Gangnam Style Touches Every Part Of Our Lives

EARTH – Gangnam Style has finally reached the eyes and ears of every living human being.

Gangnam Style is pouring from every orifice of the Internet and daytime television. Gangnam Style permeated American culture faster than you could hook a USB stick up to it via Ellen, Shoenice, local weather guys all across morning news and YouTube user holy-fuck-let’s-not-get-carried-away-with-ourselves-oh-what-the-hell-the-faster-you-can-make-them-the-better.

Gangnam Style took the world by storm
Gangnam Style took the world by storm.

Indonesian day laborers, Thai sweatshop workers, the American homeless, people in South and Central Africa have come into close personal contact of some form with Gangnam Style. Even Eritrean refugees, once forced by the government to spend their entire lives face down on a bed of sand, are now allowed two provisions: the continuation of life in a sand prison, and enjoyment of Gangnam Style in as many different configurations of which they can think.

Played in every bar across the planet, individuals who once chose to suffocate themselves with alcohol to escape from the very reality Gangnam Style satirizes, are now caught up in the number one PSY’Sssick beats of self-awareness-pumping Gangnam Style. Get all in that decadence InFiltrator style, and pump, pump, pump it up. And blow it down.

Gangnam Style

Gangnam Style is more than a style.
Gangnam Style is more than a style.

Gangnam Style has so fractured the spiritual world, cult voids that once insulated us from the vacuum of transhuman insanity are bleeding onto the pages of human history because they’re allowing Gangnam Style in schools. For some, Gangnam Style has replaced God. More literal translations of Gangnam Proverbs differentiate Gangnam Style from PSY, its creator. Fundamentalist Gangnam Style has solidified in the brittle cracks of the fractured cult plane and begun to infect the consciousness of world leaders.

The United Kingdom Parliament, for example, has been replaced by a mathematically perfect array of beautiful young women on all fours, poking their asses toward the sky. Prime Minister David Cameron’s new role is to stand over them, fixated on the boundless sexual potential of iPhone-hungry children just starving for exploitation, and to celebrate this bounty with caricatured renditions of Gangnam Style.

No one can really say what’s next for PSY, or if the Gangnam Style worldview is versatile enough to adapt to the shifting cult plane.

Dozens of Gangnam Temples have already sprung up across the East Coast. There is even debate whether to allow a controversial Gangnam Temple to be built near Ground Zero in New York City, for fear it could spark waves of ironic self-protest against the Capitalist agenda that control-demolished Towers 1 and 2.

TL;DR Those towers were meant to fall, and Gangnam Style took them down.

Sent from my iPhone

END OF THE WORLD "CAN'T COME FAST ENOUGH"

The End of the World is just around the corner, and for the first time ever, the  predictions are not met with fear, but hopeful optimism that they are true.

“I want to die,” said 53-year-old Jacob Bremaur, “and I want everyone I know to die a fiery death. I deserve a reward for living a good, forgiving life in the footsteps of Christ, and the sinners who live among us deserve to rot painfully in eternal hellfire – especially Noam Chomsky, for saying that bad stuff about George Bush.”

With a wink of his eye, Bremaur added, “See you there, George.”

News of the Rapture falls equally on the apathetic minds of a culture in which religion and spirituality take the backseat to sexting, iPods and electronic sex organs.

Stan Rosenstein, social scientist and professor emeritus of Sexual Psychology said most people will not notice their friends’ and families’ ascent into unending blissful peace, especially those closely following Nancy Grace’s coverage of the Casey Anthony case now in full swing.

“The whole world just doesn’t give a fuck,” said Rosenstein, “because for a baby-killer, that mom is hot as shit. Though I concede that she may not have been quite as pretty while smothering her baby with chloroform in the trunk of her car. But nobody’s perfect.”

The Religious Right will keep their eyes to the skies tomorrow, where Lebal Drocer, Inc. jets are scheduled to spell out in chemtrails the hourly countdown to eternal salvation – or damnation – depending on whether or not you read the Chronicle.SU

Google Googles self, search feature 'disabled until further notice'

Executive Editor, Senior Coordinator of Staff for Lebal Drocer Incorporated, and janitor James Galloway indefinitely crippled the popular search engine Google this morning.

“I typed Google into Google and then Google turned off,” the 23-year-old transvestite explained to reporters moments ago outside his home.

Galloway, whose hobbies include dividing by zero and asking “Why?” told the press he feels no remorse for Google’s “horrible foresight,” what he alleges “got them into this mess in the first place.”

“How could they not see this coming?” James asked The Elf Wax Times. “I mean, the Googlebot Googles Google. Shouldn’t Google?”

Following James’ keen sense of observation, for which he is well-known, The Elf Wax Times dug a little bit deeper. A little bit deeper. A little bit dirtier – into the shitstorm swirling out for thousands of miles in every direction from directly over top of the Googleplex.

Elf Wax Times’ top computer scientist, Jerry Chevrolet, was called in by Google for expert analysis of the controversial dilemma. Professor Chevrolet said Google is locked into an infinite loop. “It will not stop Googling itself now until someone can unplug it,” he warned. “But there are just so many damn wires back there, we don’t know which one is which.”

Fortunately, the eye of the “Googlestorm” as scientists have dubbed it, is as calm as a Buddhist whorehouse. Still, workers on site are hesitant to pull any plugs until they know what they are.

“We’re trying to avoid having to reset the timer on the VCR,” explained one on-scene technician in the most non-metaphorical way possible.

The Googlestorm has reportedly ruined what little bit of fun was left from Silly-Tie Tuesday for offices around the area and could bleed into Casual Friday, pending the outcome of the unexplainable swirling storm of computer shit in the sky overhead.

Elf Wax Human Rights Watchdogs report the incident has “changed nothing” for Africans, adding if more money were sent to the continent for those little green computers and wi-fi access, then they could join in the world’s frustration at the loss of Google.

Africans still have nothing
Africans still have nothing

Google CEO Johnny Cocaine said, “They’re a strong people. If anybody can take it, they can. I hear Africans, like most humans, can be forced into things. So we want to force them to love Google, that way they still feel the loss even though they never knew what it was.”

Google is calling this branch of AdSense AdPsyche, because it develops a psychological “proto-love” synthesized out of the hardcore manipulation of pure human emotion, playing on people’s fears they may have killed God and any remaining knowledge of Him.

Churches are filling at a record pace, many overflowing into the streets and parking lots as people turn to their primitive roots seeking answers because Ask.com still sucks.

“It used to be Google had all the answers. Now, we come here for answers. I get on my knees and pray to God, “how to google without google,” and I can’t hear the Lord’s search results, ’cause all these other sons of bitches are out-praying me, and that’s fucked up.”

-Concerned citizen

Many citizens have begun petitioning the Lord with prayer for Prayer Neutrality, arguing no prayer should have priority over any other prayer, and prayer traffic should move in the order it is received, and never discriminated against based on where it comes from. Unfortunately, these people do not have enough money or political power to talk to the Lord so they are largely ignored.

Are you praying correctly?
Are you praying correctly?

You never know when your time is gonna come,” said Peter Sullivan, a 43-year-old carpet-cleaner, adding “I just hope and pray my time comes soon, because I am in Hell already.” He then brandished a gun, pointing it at reporters before turning it on himself and asked everyone to clear the home while he “does some cleansing.”

Some people go insane gradually, others snap all at once, killing thirty to forty people in extreme cases. Incidents of suicide are a terse forewarning of the ever-nearing apocalypse of information.

More as this develops for the first time ever without Google’s oversight.

Jesus resurrected for Nazi Zombies 2

Zombie Jesus
Zombie Jesus

Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, has returned from the dead, making a cameo appearance in the Nazi Zombies update.

The Second Coming, sponsored by Sony and Red Bull, will feature strobe lights and the surviving members of Lynyrd Skynyrd attempting to cover songs off Slayer’s hit album Christ Illusion. Some analysts expect “mediocre” renditions of Supremist, “at best.”

Long-time fans of the Nazi Zombies mini-game featured in Call of Duty: World at War “can’t wait to shoot Jesus.”

Said little Jimmy Tinsley, “I’m gonna bury that cock-a-roach!” in a Cuban accent.

Videogame experts say Nazi Zombies is “the only feature that makes the game worth buying,” because “the actual game sucks.” Videogame experts are not paid for their work, however, and their opinions are invalid – since no one cares about what oily people living under their parents’ bedroom think.

It’s been a long-standing rumor that Jesus Saves, and XBOX and PlayStation 3 owners will be pleased to discover that killing Jesus will unlock a very useful achievement trophy: the ability to state-save Nazi Zombies – an ability that won’t actually affect the random-item box, but saves asses nonetheless.

Theologian Hunter T. Stockton said putting Jesus in a videogame, in which he resurrects, “The Second Coming,” only to stuff a shotgun in his mouth is horrifying to Christians and likely to result in petitions, protests and possible banning of all Treyarch games worldwide.

Treyarch, who are dedicated to making shitty, broken versions of once-great titles such as Call of Duty 4, said Christians could “stuff it” and ignorantly suggested they “go back to Christania.” What Treyarch’s spokesperson failed to realize is that Christians actually originate from a land of fantastic superstition known as Christland – where all prayers are answered within 24-48 hours, regardless of their effect on the natural progression of life as we know it.

Fans can find Jesus down their sights starting Monday, August 10th, 2009.

MILEY CYRUS – TRIBULATION

When Miley Cyrus broke the sound barrier, we thought we’d seen everything. However, after punching through the Earth’s exosphere, the Disney Star approached escape velocity at 7 miles per second, then exploded brilliantly into a stream of atoms.

-Eyewitness report

Miley Cyrus, moments before reaching
critical mass over the Pacific Ocean

Astronomers worldwide confirmed Miley’s ascension into the cold, radioactive vacuum of space following the shockwave elicited by her sonic boom, visible from almost every clear sky in the Northern Hemisphere.

Fans of Miley say they believe the sexually exploited children’s TV star was in fact an angel in disguise. Her reasons for suddenly and inexplicably self-propelling off the face of the Earth, fans speculate, is that although they (that is, girls in the 8 to 13 years’ age range) respect her good choices and strive to emulate her in every way, these girls were not devoting enough of themselves and their disposable incomes to the Disney Corporation, Cyrus’s parent company and sole owner of her product name and fortune – and so she was removed from our unworthy planet.

Some sources blame hard times. Others believe the crisis deepens.

Elf Wax theological experts say that when good, hard-working Americans begin to establish the credibility of an organized Disney-consumer relationship, there might someday be a second coming of Miley Cyrus, but after – and only after – Billy Ray Cyrus is dead. This owes in part to the theory that the constant, photographed molestation of his daughter is part of the reason she has dematerialized in outer space.

Some fanatics have elected to crucify him or even stone him to death in a hole, but experts warn against interference of the Divine Walt Prophecy of the Magic Kingdom, a puritanical manifesto that lays out the future of little girls’ sexuality for all White, Western humanity, and Wal-Mart, to follow infallably the daytime TV Disney channel programming schedule and release dates for Up and its sequel, Down, noting that a lapse in good judgment is what caused Miley to originally disappear, and that any further failure to adhere to the strict puritanical morals set out by the religious/socioeconomic status quo could lead to dangerous levels of independent thought and a decline in second guessing of our true nature as human beings.

It’s what some experts in Washington describe to be “a dangerous concoction of emotional freedom that, if placed in the wrong hands, might galvanize what would be an otherwise unquestioning populus into free-thinking people who form their own opinions about lifestyles, choices made based solely on the individual’s ability to inform him/herself through God-given, not Disney-given, intuition and logical trains of thought.”

Pedophiles everywhere are eagerly watching the skies – and the obituaries – awaiting the return of Miley Cyrus upon the eve of Billy Ray’s demise.

Religion 101

There is nothing wrong with religion. I have no problem with religion. Religious people, on the other hand, are a different story.

Why can’t someone go to church, rejoice, pray, go home, and keep their beliefs to themselves?

Why can’t religious people simply enjoy their religion, without trying to force it on other people, or judging other people according to their religious beliefs?

Case in point; the current situation at Heritage Christian School in northwest Ohio. For those of you not familiar with this situation, I will give you a brief summary:

17 year old Tyler Frost is a senior at Heritage Christian School, and is planning on going with his girlfriend to the prom at her school, Findlay High School (a public high school). Findlay High School requires students from other schools to get a signature from the principal at their school before they can attend the Findlay High School prom. Tyler went to the Heritage Christian School principal (Tim England) to get permission to go to the Findlay High School prom with his girlfriend. Principal England signed the permission form for Tyler to attend the prom. The school committee, which is made up of church members, issued a statement informing Tyler that if he attends the Findlay High School prom, he will be suspended, and will not be allowed to graduate, and will have to re-take his senior year at another high school the following school year. Their justification for doing this was because there would be rock music at the Findlay prom, and that “rock music is part of the counterculture which seeks to implant seeds of rebellion in young people’s hearts and minds”.

Yes, you read that correctly.

Now, do these people really believe that God would want them to ruin the future of a young man for going to a prom at a public school? Apparently they do, because they are steadfast in their position, and refuse to change.

What happens to these people when they discover religion? How does going to church make them feel like they are somehow in a position of authority over other people? Why do these people feel the need to ram their beliefs down the throats of other people?

What about the muslims, who are so consumed by their religious beliefs, that they blow themselves up just to kill a few people who don’t agree with their religious beliefs?

Wow…….is all I can say to that.

I believe the problem here, is that some people are just not mentally strong enough to be exposed to religion.

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Satanic Plot Fiendishly Revealed. Humankind Doomed!


Nuclear weapons have been activated world-wide by Lucifer’s commando-demons, and the world is now on the brink of total destruction! As the weapons are aimed for their final, maximum destructive potential the whole of mankind will end sometime tonight, in a hail of nuclear explosions that will “most likely change the entire geography of earth.” There is no word yet on a post-apocalyptic race of mutated apes, the last ray of hope for humankind.

With the coming of Pat Robertson’s apparent death, witnesses report the Devil appeared and massacred more than 3,000 of the now-dead Religious icon’s congregation. He revealed that he had in fact been in control of Pat Robertson for his entire life and was the Anti-Christ. He asserted that Christ was actually celebrity pill-popper Heath Ledger and that there was no chance for Earth. Our analysts indicate that was just the devil’s dark humor, but our polls show 95% of people believe that Heath Ledger actually was Jesus Christ.

His paramilitary remained faithful and have been given the gift of permanent Demonhood in return for their service. Lucifer returned to hell triumphantly, being the final owner of all human souls. The magical winged paramilitary with infinite bullet clips have already killed all major urban centers’ entire population.

People in hiding have already begun resorting to suicide, perhaps out of fear, but most likely because their souls are forever lost and tormented by the dark master of evil. Every body of water has turned to blood, and fresh water is no longer even an option. Indeed the rapture is upon us and Satan has prevailed, but 666 really had nothing to do with it.