Igor Ivanov takes first place in Russian roulette semifinals, one dead

Siberian Open 2014
Siberian Open 2014
The most destitute sport on Earth

SIBERIA– Igor Ivanov took first place after his only surviving opponent took his own life during the hotly anticipated Siberian Open Russian Roulette Tourney ’14. The to-be annual championship is held at the prestigious abandoned number station south of Kayerkan Кайеркан.

Event coordinators came up with the idea when desperate athletes, eager for drink and a little potato money, clamored for the opportunity to flirt with suicide in exchange for airplane fuel, which the men drink and use to get drunk and high, or “crunk” as it is understood in the Decadent West. The rise of the sport coincides with the hopeless fall of the Russian ruble, as Putin promises to track down and execute speculators.

“Man lay gun at table before me,” Ivanov, 46, recounted. “He spin revolver, put gun in mouth, squeeze eyes shut tight, squeeze trigger. I win!”

The body of 28-year-old Vsevolod Alliluyev was unceremoniously deposited into a tiger’s cage, where no one stayed to watch the thin, starving animal consume his remains.

Alliluyev, an out-of-work fisherman from Irkutsk, was no man’s friend, according to Yannick Jacobs, who organized the suicidal bloodbath.

“He drifted in from somewhere, I don’t know,” Jacobs said. “He smelled like urine but he had a few rubles – which, as you know, are just about worthless right now – so I told him as long as he used his own bullets, he could play.”

Jacobs said it just so happened Alliluyev carried his own small supply of .44 magnum bullets, should such an opportunity arise.

“They were his fortune,” Jacobs said. “He was worth more in bullets than anything else, because life is cheap in Russia. We are animals huddled against our own dead, trying to keep warm.”

Ivanov said he is happy to receive his meager winnings: a ration of airplane fuel and Alliluyev’s remaining bullets.

“I will live to see another horrifying day at the hands of this Russian mafia,” he said. “Today is good day in Russia. Praise Putin! May he reign eternally!”

Ivanov will move on to the finals Sunday where he alone will play before a crowd of at least two dozen people, using a fully loaded revolver. If he wins the next round, he will ascend to the rank of regional god-king, and take his throne next to Soviet Tsar Vladimir Putin.

“All god-kings are made this way,” Jacobs said.

Viewers using DSL internet (or faster), can click the play button below to hear the official announcement declaring Ivanov the winner.

siberian-open-large

Questions Silenced Over Russia Plane Crash

Possible plane crash over the Urals Friday.

Russian authorities are calling it a “meteorite” dismissing eyewitness reports that described seeing a large fighter plane leave twin chemtrails before exploding in the Chelyabinsk region sky.

To make matters worse, authorities then proceeded to shut off public cell phone service – harkening back to bitter days of a Soviet Socialist Republic.

Russian Authorities Silence Questions Around Plane Crash
Russian Authorities Suggest The Plane Crash Was Possible “Meteor Strike”

The explosions heard in the above video are pieces of debris crashing into buildings.

Eyewitness reports cited seeing a plane headed toward the sparsely populated Chelyabinsk region. Some witnesses report one flash of light, and others saw multiple flashes of light – reportedly brighter than the daytime sun.

Damaged Zinc Factory in Chelyabinsk
Damaged Zinc Factory in Chelyabinsk. More than 100 people were hospitalized with injuries following the impact whose shockwave broke windows and triggered car alarms in the area.

Russia gets Libyan oil as half-assed NATO led attempt for democracy fails

Mergelov trying not to vomit the morning whore piss
Mikhail Margelov may or may not have Downs Syndrome.

Moscow–“Syria is political chess, not American football,” said Mikhail Margelov, Presidential envoy to Africa, and Russian Premiere to Libya, implying Sunday America has no role in the country, so they should get out.

Margelov spoke on conditions of Anonymity during talks with Soviet journal RT. Over the course of their discussion, he indicated democratic efforts in Libya have failed.

Margelov said, “Some people happy to openly drink moonshine and others unhappy about that because they’re in favor of Sharia laws all over the country.”

“Some people are thinking about purity and Islamic identity,” Margelov boasted. “Some talk about necessity of establishing Sharia law all over the country, Islamic world, all over the Arab world.” At this, Margelov’s eyes flashed, then rolled back into his head as he foamed at the mouth.

“Chances of New Libyan Government and judicial system sharing values of human rights and democracy expected to be minimal,” Margelov explained through gritted teeth.

Related news [ Libya ]

  1. Russian oil companies have already started operations in Libya
  2. Russian railroads “ready to get back.”
  3. New Libyan Government welcomes Russian companies! Margelov: “So why not?”
Mikhail Mergelov needs oil like pretty bad apparently

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Modern Warfare 2: "If this is war, I wanna be there!"

Full Metal Jacket: Modern Warfare 2Some time has passed since the release of Infinity Ward’s newest installment in the reluctantly-named Call of Duty series. This is why the Elf Wax Times has gone untouched for one week, with the exception of the new Lightning Ticker which adorns our beloved header. The Lightning Ticker is based on the Elf Waxian concept of the “Lightning Study,” currently in production at Lebal Drocer Laboratories, involving only a glance at raw facts and data as a means for writing an informed report. You’re welcome.

Our entrenched reporter, Viet Zam, has been in Modern Warfare 2 since it spawned November 10. Having received no contact from him in 72 hours, he is presumed dead.

The staff writers, the Media Mogul himself, Cold Hard Truth, billb(o), and Noah [biblical figure], have concluded that Modern Warfare 2 on Playstation 3 is the Official Game of The Elf Wax Times, and so should you. We’ve rated the game 10/10 and found that it contains nothing harmful to society or individuals unless ground into a fine dust and inhaled.

The only real problem with the game is that it keeps us from bringing you the truth. But, doesn’t that figuratively stand for truth? Shit, we’d be liars just by printing something. You don’t want to read something we didn’t want to write, and we don’t want to write shit you don’t wish to read, so we hope you’re enjoying Modern Warfare 2 as much as we are here at The Elf Wax Times office.

Being too busy playing MW2 to review, we decided to get some outside help on this one. YouTube provides a service for us all, and Viacom. Check out what our guest critic had to say about the game:

“Call of Duty 4 and 5 is okay, but fuck it…I was expectin’ it to be like Call of Duty  5 or better, better than fuckin’ better things, but shit!”

Seventeen hours straight
Seventeen hours straight

The End Times They Are A-Comin'

chemtrailsThe world bank has collapsed leaving billions broke, as the value of the dollar continues to subdivide hourly.

The United States, the most powerful nation in the world, has been purchased by China fora mere $7 octillion [editor’s note: there is not enough gold in the world to support this amount of money by yesterday’s standards, but sources indicate an apathetic overtone to trading worldwide, resulting in massive, state-coordinated suicides].

Russian bombers circle overhead. American citizens do not know whether it will be a care package or a nuclear device falling from each passing airplane. Either way, independent scientists have confirmed the bombers’ routine flight grid is patterning the continental United States with chemtrails – a swine flu vaccine comprised of 90% mercury, 5% Tamiflu, 2.5% Red Bull, and an unknown ratio of wolf piss to iodine.

Citizens are commanded not to shoot their firearms toward the Russian Angels of Death buzzing overhead, but instead to turn their guns on themselves for a quick-trigger path to what inevitably lies ahead. Sources say, “Jesus will forgive you.”

At the stroke of midnight, the power-grid to the Eastern seabord is to be disconnected to allow for the invasion and scheduled genocide of the stretch of beachhead from Florida to New Jersey. New York, sources say, has become officially “worthless” and will be “spared.”

The upside to all this? Bit torrents still work; in fact, they are attributed by analysts to be the root cause of this sudden change in socio-political landscape. Prepare for chaos.

An Eastern Approach to the Problems of Western Protest


Tbilisi, Georgia–Georgian police beat down and arrested opposition activists in the nation’s capital today. Several journalists were among those arrested.For two months, the opposition has been campaigning to force out President Mikhail Saakashvili. An AP photographer witnessed masked officers beating demonstrators who gathered near the police headquarters. Several were severely beaten into submission along with several TV journalists and camera crews whose tapes and video cameras were confiscated.

In all, 39 protesters were rounded up, according to Deputy Interior Minister Eka Zguladze, who said they had resisted police when they tried to arrest them for blocking a public street.

She apologized to journalists who were beaten and robbed, saying it was “our mistake.”

Existing on a key energy route, Georgia is the iconic front line in the growing tensions between Russia and the West.

China pirates self


In an astonishing blow to the country’s economy, China has managed to duplicate itself in the Communist state’s most recent piracy spree.

China(2), as experts are now calling it, will be placed on the country’s Desktop until room can be made in the State External Hard Drive (Taiwan). However, Taiwan is not ready to store the pirated nation until China agrees to a deal in which their service is exchanged for humanitarian respect. Because Taiwan expects something in return for their work, Chinese correspondents report that the separated nation runs a serious risk of looking like Metallica for taking such a “Lars Ulrichy” stance on piracy, declaring them, quote, “Big whiny pussies.”

Paradoxically, when China(2) was downloaded illegally off the Internet, the Chinese “Hong Kong’s-Disney Land Is-Too-Far-So-Bring-Your-Family-To-This-Amusement-Park-Instead” knockoff became an officially licensed Walt Disney World, complete with Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, as well as other public domain stories and characters for which copyrights have been hijacked and redeployed for profits.

Also, scientists say that due to the lossy compression method of the recently downloaded China(2), its lead content has nearly halved, and the new country’s methods of corruption are already effecting the integrity of the Communist State’s underlying systems of internal exchange.

“One can watch as [the document] collapses in on itself before the eyes,” said Chinese(2) correspondent Jack Danielson. “In a vacuum, China(2) can not stand up to its own self-annihilation. The isolated economy of China(2) seems to have backwashed on itself and the citizens appear to be resorting to Capitalism as a means of survival. It is unprecedented.”

China is available for download on Apple’s iTunes for US $.99 and a nominal sign-up fee. The paid, legal copy comes fully stocked with connections to North Korea and Russia, and unlike its pirated counterpart, poisons babies with formula replaced by authentic Chinese cleaning powders.

President Obama contracts swine flu

Washington, D.C.–Due to coming into close physical contact with government pigs in Washington, U.S. President Barack Hussein Obama has been diagnosed with the H1N1 virus, popularly known as swine flu, following a doctor visit Friday.

Noticeable symptoms include tiredness of the eyes, a glazed “thousand-yard-stare” and the onset of a delirium so intense that President Obama has accidentally given all the taxpayers’ money to AIG, which was consequently sent to Europe and China. The president has also begun weighing unseen, possibly imagined factors that incidentally, are found to have greater impact in the ongoing financial crisis than the broad lexicon of “facts” and trends made publicly available by the powers that be.

President Hussein, consulting Jihadists on foreign policy

“This newfound insight gained from the President’s crippling delusional attacks has opened a window through which the public can now see what really affects world politics,” Professor of Political Science at Berkeley, California and tweed jacket enthusiast, David Brunauer said earlier this morning.

“He keeps talking about this little smokey room that he’s forced into on a weekly basis and made to watch pro-Deion Sanders propaganda,” Brunauer intimated. And then panic flashed through his eyes, as he rhetorically asked, “Is that guy even relevant to football anymore?”

The room is allegedly decorated with Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana flair so concentrated it can transform any man’s ordinary sexual conviction into raging pedophilia.

“Hanging from the ceilings are hooks, chains and leather straps,” Brunauer described. “I’d like to see this room,” he said skeptically, “And I’d sure like to experience it.”

Indeed, the journalism community is swarming with ant-like fervor around these new details, as signals of a New World Order are coming to light – small rooms where the world’s fate is decided by brainwashing techniques centered around a post-pubescent-but-not-quite-legal collage of Disney’s top-earning star. The president and forced sodomy. His relationship to Saddam Hussein Obama [deceased]. His recent affection for Hugh Laurie and his award-winning portrayal of the pseudo-doctor, Gregory House.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said of Obama, “He’s been holed up in the White House bedroom for close to two weeks now. I peeked in on him earlier today and he was sprawled out across the top comforter of the king-size presidential bed on his stomach, watching House on his laptop, complaining of Hulu.com’s interjecting advertisements, and kicking his legs around in the air behind him like he didn’t have a care in the world. Iran is building nukes, God damn it!” Clinton’s face then melted, revealing the menacing facade of a cinder-eyed cyborg, gnashing its silvery teeth for Elf Wax reporters. This is part of her regular self-destruct sequence, however, and aides reassured the press that it is no cause for alarm.

Hillary Clinton braces for meltdown

As swine flu rips through the White House, out of its bursting seams come the tides of change, but not the change Americans voted for back in November. Some analysts are saying swine flu is just what the country needed. Others warn of an impending apocalypse as the President’s mental breakdown points to a takeover by the Chinese Mafia. “A bloodless coup is pretty much impossible at this point,” warns chief military adviser Harry Branch, “as Russia and China have dedicated themselves to rebuilding their arsenals, akin to a modern-day Cold War arms race.”

President Obama reports that in the coming war, he will have the computer banks of his Central Command Center hooked up to Blizzard’s real-time strategy game Starcraft, so that he “may better command his forces in a way that he is most familiar with.”

Ridiculously, Obama believes the computer game will simulate the real-life forces and effects of the U.S. Army, in spite of the fact that neither Russia nor China will respond with “a predictable Zerg rush,” as his new, hallucinated cabinet has forecast.

The president says it will be a long, drawn out single-player campaign, during which nobody will have the opportunity to use his home computer for any purpose, even to briefly check their gmail accounts. Not even porn will be allowed, Obama said. He explained, “What is not widely known about Starcraft is that pressing alt+tab will minimize the game so that other programs may be used. That’s great, but when you bring Starcraft back to full screen, the colors are all messed up, requiring a restart, and that is a threat to the country I can not in good conscience permit.”

An SCV rush, or what Obama calls “The Peoples’ Revolt”

Due to multiplying health concerns, many Americans have come forward asking Obama to be the first black man to step down as president. “Sensing weakness in your pathetic hearts,” he replied, “I will not step down as president, but I will step up my game, and step on anybody who tries to get in my way, including you, your family, your lives and this country. But I will not walk on China, to whom I have just surrendered the last of our physical currency.” Obama then said, “Good game,” and went back into the oval office, where Maury could be overheard declaring someone to be the father of yet another unwanted child. The move was dubbed an ‘allied victory’ so Americans can still say they’ve “never lost a war.”

As of now, the country is in turmoil and things are just getting worse thanks to the critically-flawed strategies of the Obama administration. The Chinese drug lords have officially breached the ground floor of Elf Wax Times Western Hemisphere North American Headquarters, Cuthbert, Georgia, declaring martial law.

This just in: S.O.S. we are being held against our wills and are being told via translator that death camps await the Elf Wax staff for severe penalties against the Central Chinese government relating to a video released last month of actors pretending to be Chinese guardsmen protecting the values of China in Tibet. Several of us have been killed for attempted escape. The rest will follow. May God have mercy on our souls.