We come bearing gifts!

It is one thing to know government officials are corrupt. Meeting the indecency face-to-face, however, is another story.

Mike Webert, Career Criminal
Mike Webert is a white collar criminal-in-training who paid his freshman dues to the power structure, attempting to legislate extra money and power to police forces near you.

The neoliberal hate machine known as “The Virginia Way” is far more gruesome than newspapers can tell – or are willing to tell – and this spring I was fortunate enough to learn firsthand just what a nightmare we live in. It was a good experience, but I had anxiety attacks on a near-daily basis.

What I could not articulate at the time is why I thought a “bad” experience was a good thing. Since I believe in myself and the content of my work, I was never so happy to have a story as I was disillusioned by the facts I reported. But I realized that even though I cherish the experience, I never came back from the capitol with a smile on my face, because what I saw there was truly horrific.

I never thought to myself, “That was nice,” or, “That went well.” Each day shocked or disturbed me in new ways. Politicians accept money directly from contractors, for example, to vote on initiatives that put those contractors to work rather than opening jobs up to bidding. And if the rally against Medicaid expansion wasn’t an attack on the working class, then neither was Jim Crow.

I often paced the floors wondering how to communicate basic legislation in the context of Virginia’s descent into hyperlibertarianism.

It was my job to report what I heard and saw, but many times I could not put even the most basic practices into words. The question of ‘why’ was always answered with money, but whose money? The real story felt like it was hidden beneath layers of intentionally misleading arguments, a deceptive smile, or the tone of voice rather than the empty words themselves.

As I continue to follow the money into my own arranged accident, I am still connecting evidence. But the best example of money in politics at the literal level, when dealing with public servants, is the story of a fellow CNS reporter once waited patiently outside of a delegate’s office.

He is an enthusiastic journalist willing to do whatever it takes to get an answer, so when a legislative aide told him his source might be available sometime between the morning and lunch, he decided to wait for that opportunity. With a pen and paper in his lap, he waited for hours.

Legislative aides are people in the capitol building who manage a legislator’s public image, send emails and schedule appointments. They are known to sometimes offer vague details about a politician’s whereabouts or activity. It is a game of their own, and aides control access to our elected officials.

He waited a long time. During his third hour of waiting for a chance to interview the representative, a small group of lobbyists appeared with flowers and gift baskets of fruit, cheeses and dried meats.

“We come bearing gifts!” the female announced, holding up a gift basket with a smile.

“Well, hello!” replied the aide, taking the flowers and displaying them on her desk. “Please, come on in!”

The group strode by as my reporter continued to wait. They disappeared into their mutual representative’s office and closed the door.

If ever a politician was honest, it was a notoriously hateful Manassas Tea Party Republican named Bob Marshall who said Gov. Terry McAuliffe’s executive order – to limit the amount of gifts politicians may legally receive – pushes corruption underground. They still accept blood money; they just don’t publish it on their website.

What nobody will say, however, is why publishing gifts in any amount does little more than add insult to injury upon our political system: when you can purchase a public policy vote, and list the going rate.

"Corporations have money on both sides of the ball. If you still think it's an issue of liberals vs. conservatives, then you still believe in Santa Claus." - Bill Burr
“Corporations have money on both sides of the ball. If you still think it’s an issue of liberals vs. conservatives, then you still believe in Santa Claus.” – Bill Burr

Pope Francis to star in new A&E reality TV show "Pope Primacy"

Move over Duck Dynasty! And let Pope Primacy take over. In what is being called a “masterful PR campaign,” a new reality TV show, scheduled for MSNBC’s Fall lineup, will spread the message of Pope Francis and help Catholics cope with increased levels of cognitive dissonance beyond what religious people normally feel.

To anyone over 30, recent changes to the Vatican’s public image might be disorienting, even confusing, the Vatican said over Christmas — but Catholics worldwide can rest assured it has nothing at all to do with whitewashing a century of child rape or actually returning to the teachings of Communist Jesus and his crazy ideals (the church has sold him out more than enough).

“He’s a Jesuit,” bloggers say. “They do crazy things like publicly disavowing wealth.”

Catholicism enthusiasts have come forward with original, anonymous, leaked source material to suggest Pope Francis learned to embrace his growing public image.

The "Fresh Pope of Bel-Air" smokes a doobie with adoring fans.
The “Fresh Pope of Bel-Air” smokes a doobie with adoring fans.

“[The Pope]’s been working out, yeah. He’s changing his image. He not only started a beard [which photos indicate is in fact true], but — and I know you’re not gonna believe this — but, he went out and he got himself a tattoo.”

Written in Olde English calligraphy arching over a holy cross, the tattoo reads, “Thou Shalt Not.”

As excitement for the show “Pope Primacy” winds up, Pope Francis’ producers have begun pushing him to do “weirder and weirder stuff.”

Archbishop Chile Pedley said he is “frankly, very uncomfortable” with what the show creators want Francis to do, but said he’s satisfied with the results.

“They kept asking him to do weirder and weirder stuff,” Pedley said. “First they had him wash a prisoner’s feet, this young offender. I mean, that’s one thing. But recently for the show, they had him hug a severely disfigured man, and I just thought, ‘You guys have gone too far,’ but no — the people loved it. They fucking eat that shit up, apparently.”

Legendary Hollywood producer Phil Spector was overheard saying, “You’re gonna have to do some miracles, here, Francis,” while talking to Francis about the next round of eliminations. “Get on the healin’ train,” he said. “…could be Sainthood for ya, huge ratings… could be Redemption Island. We’ll see how people react to the fact you drive yourself to work.”

Leaked studio footage shows Archbishop Pedley again speaking directly into the camera, telling people he knows of “a guy with a garage full of stuff that the new Pope is gonna love.” Pedley said, “He’s got relics — idols from papal past.”

Thou Shalt Not.

Blogs and YouTube reviewers familiar with reality TV have already come forward to voice concerns they say are rooted in another oversized-cross-wearing icon. Xxfuckedup-247xX said “It’s only a matter of time before we start to recognize the Pope as an empty husk of his former self, who ambles around the house – rambling incoherently – but wisely.”

AUTISTIC DAILYMAIL WRITER HACKS PHONE RECORDS OF SHETLAND TEEN HACKER

Chris Greenwood is seen here in his natural emotive state
Chris Greenwood is seen here in his natural emotive state

Chris Greenwood of the DailyFail published a story on Sunday describing Topiary, the voice of LulzSec, as an autistic and friendless child who was often bullied. Our phone-hackers have informed us Greenwood obtained this information illegally from phone hacking.

It is against international law and accepted human decency to obtain any information in this manner, much less publish it. Such actions have landed incarcerations for cyber-terrorists Julian Assange and Topiary.

Worse yet, the information Greenwood obtained from the phone records is not entirely accurate. For instance, in one conversation the grandfather was overheard stating that Jake was a lazy faggot, but no reference to autism was made concerning Jake Davis. Topiary might be small and nerdy, but he is not autistic.

Highly-skilled and genetically enhanced Chronicle.SU technician Kilgore Trout sensed the coming of this moment, and spent the past few days hacking the the cell phone of the cold-hearted “monster” that is Chris Greenwood. This is how Chronicle.SU came to learn that Chris Greenwood is, in fact, severely brain damaged.

“It was pretty bad,” states analysis conducted by Media Mogul. “Dude can barely spell. But there’s more. The headline and lead used the word ‘autistic’ but it appears nowhere in the article’s body. What kind of journalist is this guy? An overpaid one.”

Records obtained from phone hacking point to the fact that Jake, Ryan and Chris all met biweekly to lick the confection-tasting windows of the local bakery and talk at length on their recent exploits and pokémon acquisitions. Gotta catch ’em all, Cleary said, mocking the FBI.

It is not yet clear whether Topiary is actually autistic, but inside sources agree he is funny, calculating and “innernet-savvy,” according to his mommy.

“However, everyone is in agreement that Sabu is totally fucking retarded,” said LulzSec sock-puppet th3j35t3r, “And Topiary was set up.”

Rupert Murdoch is responsible for the hacking of 9/11 victims

Remember all those shocking final goodbyes to to friends and family which were played by Fox News in the aftermath of 9/11? You might want to sit down.

“The time has certainly come for Rupert Murdoch’s resignation.” -Sarah Palin

Fox hired hackers to acquire the audio, carelessly invading the privacy of American families and victims of terrorism. Rupert Murdoch personally approved of this tactic in a desperate bid to increase ratings. Back in 2001, Fox was not such a dominant force in the media. By hacking the phones of 9/11 victims, Fox News was able to gain a foothold.

Rupert Murdoch should resign now

Jesus would be ashamed of Rupert Murdoch. In fact, if Rupert Murdoch doesn’t repent soon, he will definitely go to hell. Phone hacking became like an addiction to Rupert Murdoch. He went after celebrity’s voicemail accounts, dead children’s cell phones, and pretty much hacked anything that moved.

The time has come for Rupert Murdoch to step down. Like Anthony Weiner, he has made a terrible mistake and no longer deserves his place of power. America deserves better. We are a Good Christian Nation, and Fox News has betrayed both our trust and the Freedom of Press.