Why reddit incorrectly deleted a chronicle.su story from its frontpage (and why we’re happy to see it)

"Actually, I watch CNN, and that isn't REALLY how Ross Ulbricht was CAUGHT."
“Actually, I watch CNN, and that isn’t REALLY how Ross Ulbricht was CAUGHT.”

Today OP posted an older chronicle.su story to reddit, and about two hours ago, it was deleted. I don’t take issue with the fact it took so long for the public to pick up on this story [Editor’s Note: who’s kidding who, like I give a fuck? I take issue with nothing. Stop oppressing me, shitlords!!!!]

That’s fairly typical at every level of journalism. Information might become available instantly, but it can take ages to disseminate. This is normal, especially when so much technical jargon is involved.

But before we tear down reddit for being a POWER-LOVING SHITHOLE, I would like to point out that I also really enjoyed some reddit users’ reactions to my material, a lot of it seen for the first time by more than 30,000 people.

reddit1

But on down the page I noticed complaints, with only a few upvotes, suggesting that because chronicle.su is “satire” the story should be taken down without any respect to whether the actual content of the story was true. Nothing is ever funny, just because it’s true, right?

Now, when I wrote the story, I expected the news about DEITYBOUNCE and GODSURGE to take a while for the public to catch on, because it requires at least some familiarity with system and network security to understand, even in the simplest of terms. Also, I knew that because I delivered the story with that Internet Chronicle-brand gusto, people would never actually believe it, even though every word of it is true. But I did that on purpose, because I do this for myself, and all that matters is that I know the difference between bullshit and reality.

However, after 18 months, I finally got to see the conversation unfold that I wanted to see around the particular subject of ARKSTREAM: there were upvoted discussions around actual facts contained in the story.

If I had to add anything to this discussion, it would be that 1) certain pieces of hardware purchased online by certain people like to make pit-stops in Northern Virginia for certain unknown reasons, and 2) DEITYBOUNCE should not be on ANYONE's machine.
If I had to add anything to this discussion, it would be that 1) certain pieces of hardware purchased online by certain people like to make pit-stops in Northern Virginia for certain unknown reasons, and 2) DEITYBOUNCE should not be on ANYONE’s machine for ANY reason.

But as soon as I saw we had hit the reddit frontpage, I knew the story would be deleted not because it was untrue, but because chronicle.su is a place where even we, the writers, don’t know whether the next story is going to be Onion-oriented satire, factual news, hard-nosed political commentary, or a combination of truth and joking, seasoned for effect with convenient quotes by nonexistent people.

I was on the phone with kilgoar when I said, “You know it’s going to get deleted, right? People hate seeing us succeed.” I guess it’s because we do whatever we want to do, and we have fun, and they’re jealous equally of our dank memes, Internet pussy and unfathomable political power.

Seriously though, people hate us because they think running an Internet Hate Site is easy, like anyone could do it. And they’re right, it’s very fucking easy after you’ve done it for 8 years and know what you’re doing. [Editor’s note: Not to mention, WordPress is a fucking joke.] But they didn’t start their own websites; in fact, most everyone – including yourselves – are losers who never actually did anything with their boring-ass lives, so you have to shit on everybody else and drag everyone else down. The only way you know how to process the vibrant, beautiful world we live in is through your gray sunglasses like you have it all figured out, and all you’ve figured out is SHIT, so the whole world looks like shit to people like you. I know this because I was you. You either grow out of it or grow into an old bitter turd, stinking up the room. Reddit saw the neckbeards remark at the end of my article and instantly hated it, because only a redditing neckbeard would ever suggest a story be taken down from reddit, a content aggregation site known for its commitment to accuracy and integrity.

What a fucking loser.
What a fucking loser.

Just the facts, funny-guy

My article was a combination of straight news mixed with obvious commentary for spice. So the moderator of /r/technology really didn’t do his homework, electing instead to answer MODS MODS MODS, GET IN HERE. ‘Finally, a chance to feel useful!’ thought the reddit moderator. ‘This will validate my existence!’ And so with authority and conviction, he deleted my true, factual story from the top of the technology subreddit, because The Internet Chronicle is a satire news site. Yeah, you moderate a fucking subreddit, big deal. The Internet Chronicle doesn’t belong on reddit anyway, because reddit is a shitty website built on a shitty, exploitative premise. And let me tell you, it was a real battle of superpowers today, ladies and gentlemen. It was real barnburner.

There might be some syntactical disagreements with the order of events in which Ross Ulbricht’s activities were finally uncovered, but that doesn’t make the article wrong. In fact, when the news broke of Ulbricht’s arrest, this information was still totally unknown, and the online usergroup he contacted for tech support may well have led to his discovery, since only a handful of people were using those commands online, and Ulbricht’s commands and the way in which he requested help for them served only a very small set of specific purposes, namely the secure movement of information along two unique online databases of illegal buyers and sellers.

If you’re curious, that was really him on the website, and the other users only realized it well after he was arrested. I know this for a fact because I participate in online discussion. In other words, lurk moar, faggots. An actual, useful moderator on the tech forum later confirmed the request was made by a single-use Tor user. If I wanted to make something up for laughs, I would not have been so dry as to point to an unknown website to make a remark about an unknown line of dev code. You fucking unknown tryhards.

But I’m sure you’d rather buy the FBI’s explanation, anyway, since you’re the kind of person who gets his news from reddit comments.

Now, how did we appear at the top of the Technology frontpage? Well, it turns out OP is a faggot pretty cool guy, who proves … basically the entire point of this website.

reddit-OP

And the point is you’re a bunch of gullible, mouth-breathing idiots, who are willing to suck any powercock that comes within inches of your open lips. Whether it’s wiki-power, Snowden-power, military-power, police-power, upvoting-power, Chronicle-power, or just plain old power-power, you’ll still suck the end of that dick and swallow the seed that makes you sick, because all you want is a taste. A tiny little taste of that power.

Well, here it is, so drink it down, MOTHERFUCKER. Go fuck yourself, reddit.

Go fuck yourself, Internet.

This is The Internet Chronicle, and you’re reading chronicle.su.

We hate you.

num, num, num. Oh, give it back, Daddy, let me suck the powercock. I almost tasted it. I can smell your powercock, Daddy, just let me have a little taste. Give me a little tiny taste of powercum, Daddy. I want to taste it.

The Internet Chronicle is a Powercock Publication, brought to you Proudly by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
We are behind every iteration of the world superpowers.

John Oliver forces ground level narrative, reducing American privacy crisis to concern around ‘dick pics’

MOSCOW – In a sweaty interview with the infamous cyberterrorist Edward Snowden, darling satirist John Oliver refused to let Snowden iterate his basic technological explanation of how domestic spy programs, such as PRISM, violate the US Constitution. Instead, Oliver continuously interrupted Snowden, denying Americans’ ability to interpret the dialog for themselves, and said the interview MUST focus on “dick pics” in order to maintain public interest.

Oliver felt the already limited segment would not infantilize the popular mind enough, so at various points in the interview, Oliver pulls out his slick new Macbook Pro with retina display, puts it in his lap, and points it toward Snowden, directing him – like a child – to watch a selection of clips of Americans who do not know who he is.

The transition from Snowden's linear explanation of the PRISM domestic spying program was executed about as awkwardly as Nguyễn Ngọc Loan.
The transition from Snowden’s linear explanation of the PRISM domestic spying program was executed about as awkwardly as Nguyễn Ngọc Loan.

With each attempt to carry out the 18-month old, ongoing conversation about the offensive and intrusive nature of domestic spying – a feature of totalitarianism that exceeds even the worst Orwellian nightmare scenario, and has colossal implications on global markets and trade, as well as negatively affecting every tier of government from global to town-level – Oliver said, “No, no. We are talking about dick pics because that is all my dipshit audience cares about: Their sweaty, hairy schlongs.” He diverted the conversation from the Snowden cult of personality only to bring it all back to dick pics, before ending the interview with the centuries-old jokes, “Now I’m on some kind of list,” to which Snowden calmly – and after forced laughter – replied, “You’re associated.”

In Brooklyn, a group of artists who understand art but nothing of subtlety, put up a Snowden statue. A day later, when one of them said, “Look what I did, everyone!” the statue is now hilarironicallously covered by a blue tarp.

This is what you get for bragging about your stupid art, you stupid fucks.
This is what you get for bragging about your stupid art, you stupid fucks.

BRB: exercising my civil rights to photograph dick pics and transfer ownership to Mark Zuckerberg, as per Facebook Terms of Service.

This message is brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer, Inc. If you are reading this message, we own your eyes.

Fracking to blame for recent volcanic activity, says Snowden

Snowden came forward with documents which showed a military fracking program is attempting to relieve the Yellowstone supervolcano at the expense of volcanic eruptions in other part of the globe.
Snowden came forward with documents which showed a military fracking program is attempting to relieve the Yellowstone supervolcano at the expense of volcanic eruptions in other part of the globe.

NORTH DAKOTA — NSA leaker and hacker Edward Snowden came forward with new documents outlining a military fracking program designed to disrupt the Earth’s crust in order to relieve an impending eruption at Yellowstone National Park, home to the world’s largest supervolcano.

“These documents show that the military has been tampering with the crust in a way the government believes would lead to more volcanic eruptions in other parts of the globe,” Snowden told reporters.

Glenn Greenwald, Snowden-leak spokesman, told Twitter followers the eruptions are a tactic used by the government in an NSA-facilitated assassination plot.

“I’ve felt small earthquakes under my feet, targeting me out for weeks now. So has Snowden, Jeremy Scahill, and Laura Poitras.”

“This supervolcano, if it blew, could destroy the entire continental united states, sinking them beneath the sea like the lost city of Atlantis. We may relieve pressure on Yellowstone and cause other volcanoes to erupt, as we’ve seen in the past week,” said military geologist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador.

Clear evidence to support Troubadour’s claims were witnessed by millions in violent eruptions at both Ecuador’s Tungurahua Volcano and Mount Sinabung in Indonesia this weekend.

CIA Director David Patreus said fracking keeps America out of harm’s way.

“Strategic fracking disrupts the local ecologies of neighboring third-world countries. What’s called ‘ecological terror-fracking’ is turning out to be an indespensible tool of Al-Qaida terrorists. We’re just doing it better and more efficiently.”

“The reason we want to police fracking anywhere else in the world, even as we practice it ourselves,” Patreus added,”Well, it’s a national security concern.”

By preserving Yellowstone National Park, Patreus said America can hold off selling the preserve to Nabisco for “at least another seven or eight years.”

One Direction performed a relief concert for the victims of Edward Snowden outside Taminy Hall, in a show of solidarity with the brave men and women behind worldwide US fracking.

Other anti-Snowden protests are scheduled to occur in major cities around the world Saturday, including NYC, Kiev and Moscow.

NSA Today – the story of how the NSA is not that bad, except it really is, but that's OK too

NSA Today
Thoughtcrimes … Crimes, Before You Think Them!

INTERNET — Nobody seems to mind that there is a war on personal freedom taking place at their fingertips right now. Nobody cares about the police state. And while I admit I’m perfectly comfortable here in my hate hole, the proles are doing just fine under the watchful eye of the all-seeing NSA Octopus. And that is fucking weird.

The NSA wants to be the next FBI – hit men and everything. Think I’m wrong? Well, there’s a secret court called FISA who will back me up.

For decades, the NSA has been the silent, creepy uncle of US defense agencies. Since the Snowden leaks, however, that is all changing.

The NSA Today® has taken on a demeanor of brazen, Sabu-style recklessness. Official sources represent pre-determined attitudes of sheer spitefulness about their activity. Barack Hussein Obama only just yesterday responded to corporate shareholders’ complaints with a decision to allow tech conglomerates to make broad, generalized statements regarding the existence of NSA probing – but nothing specific about who is being watched, how much, or for how long or for what reason.

There is no proof NSA surveillance has successfully stopped a terrorist attack, and even if it did – would we really want it?

Political Scientist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour weighed in. Troubadour said one terrorist attack every 20 years is worse than being spied on.

“For the whole time perverted Uncle NSA has been browsing through your SMS dick pics,” Troubadour explained, “Al Qaeda has been on the run, afraid of the possibility their own dick pics could wind up in the hands of US Generals. The NSA is absolutely necessary if the United States is to continue existing tomorrow.”

Congressman Anthony Weiner said he is a testament to the discrediting power of dick pics, but dick pics themselves are not terrorism.

“That’s right,” Weiner said. “Not even uncircumcised ones are grounds to declare war.”

Dr. Troubadour said the NSA spies on the world because it loves you, and this is how adults show love.

“The NSA, even as a touchy, molesty sort of uncle figure, is good for America,” he said. “But just remember, this is our little secret, okay?”

Dr. Troubadour privately added that if you go tell on the NSA, nobody will believe you, and your parents will never, ever love you again.

Prior to Leak, Snowden Played Whistleblowing Videogame

Whistleblow Auto V
Whistleblow Auto V hit stores late Sept.

INTERNET – In 1994, critics led by Tipper Gore called for the rare Adults Only ESRB rating of a controversial videogame that encouraged gamers to hack fictional government mainframes and turn over data for points.

Gore’s fears were not misplaced. New evidence suggests Snowden grew up playing certain games against all caution, such as Dissent, for Playstation 1, and Bureau Kombat.

With technological advances vastly exceeding the predictions of Murphy’s Law, gaming has evolved. Whistleblow Auto V gives players realtime access to actual top-tier government agencies using Antisocial Club, the in-game hacker interface connecting gamers to stocks, politicians’ emails and realtime Skype conversations to destroy political enemies before they can react.

As a result of exposure to the influence of violently helpful videogames, Snowden later downloaded what he could en masse, and hand picked the journalists he wanted disseminating it. He chose Laura Poitras because of her hyper-violent access to the mainstream press.

Poitras profited heavily from the Snowden leaks he stole while working as a contractor for the CIA. And as far as Poitras goes, the US Government doesn’t know whether to prosecute her for publishing leaks, or to turn her into the poster child for American capitalism.

As long as The Truth sells, people will buy it. What would we do without access to absolute reality the mainstream press is selling? What would you do without an imagined baseline of morality? What would we do with the truth?

These are all questions Whistleblow Auto V purports to address under the guise of “entertainment.”

Looking forward

New fears of youth organizing have arisen of EA’s proposal to develop Sim Militia, which EA said will be released in a painful series of full-priced DLC that slowly opens new territory and an innovative hate tree similar to the tech trees of Starcraft and Civilization.

Syrian Electronic Army Intel Leaked by Snowden

Syrian Electronic Army Logo
Syrian Electronic Army Logo

MOSCOW, Russia – In an unexpected turn of events on Wednesday, NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden outed a supposedly rag-tag group of Syrian rebel hackers as a sophisticated persona management project. Little has been known about the Syrian Electronic Army (SEA) since inception, but most believe them to be residing in Damascus, Syria. Aside from a few shoddily written VICE interviews and an excellent write-up from Brian Krebs, there hasn’t been much information about the inner-workings of the crew.

Today, Internet Chronicle correspondents had a chance to catch up with Snowden for a few rounds of Moscow Mules while we discussed how the Syrian Electronic Army may be, in fact, more illusory than we could have possibly imagined.

The Internet Chronicle: Did you know about the Syrian Electronic Avenue before they became mainstream?

Edward Snowden: I did. The intel passed through my data center numerous times, months before they even began to make waves with their arbitrarily chosen attacks that were, of course, dignified ex post facto.

IC: Fascinating. Do you know if they are truly Syrian freedom fighters or something else entirely?

ES: OK, from what I saw, it’s hard to tell either way. As the United States’ hands are dipped in all sorts of fucking gunk, there’s no telling what’s really going on. However, I got to see plenty of internal memorandums referencing SEA as a group of roughly six people. The company Infragard was mentioned quite a bit in the slides that I saw.

IC: Infragard? You mean the private government cybersecurity contracting firm?

ES: Correct. They came up quite a bit in our paperwork, as they tend to work closely with pretty much every government agency involved in covert operations. As do Lockheed Martin, Halliburton, and of course Booz Allen Hamilton.

IC: So what you’re saying is SEA is a creation of a private security firm contracted out by the U.S. government?

Edward Snowden
Snowden is widely regarded as a hero.

ES: From the information that I saw, that didn’t seem important at the time, but in retrospect, yes, that’s exactly what I’m saying. It’s plain to see that if you analyze the language they use, you can tell they have been trained to type in broken English, which is a common tactic deployed by the CIA, later adopted into persona management projects spearheaded by HBGary Federal in their Romas/COIN program that was uncovered by the now incarcerated journalist, the Hunter S. Thompson of our era, Barrett Brown. It really makes you think.

People don’t realize that these private contractors are truly the enemies. They’ve even forced Obama’s hand into nuking Syria and killing 5 million people, all because of the cyberwarfare via anti-rhetoric perpetuated by the SEA. Obama’s just the puppet for the masterminds at the Infragard splinter-cell persona management project. We’ve been trained to see this group as simple hacktivist merry-pranksters fighting a war against Twitter accounts and whois information. Yet, they are something far more insidious.

IC: The popular theme being thrown around these days is “the next war will be fought online.” Could this be the beginning?

ES: Absolutely. In fact, I would go so far as saying it has been going on for far longer than we even realize. Nation-state actors have been deployed via persona management firms for years now, ever since Tom Ryan Blog, aka th3j35t3r, tricked people into believing he was a porn star and got a heaps of classified information from unsuspecting troglodytes on Facebook. These types of spurious entities are really only the beginning. Imagine villages, even entire cities completely fabricated by military contractors! Think about the hacking power they would have and the ability to steer public interest. Scary shit, man.

Snowden Dead of ‘Apparent Suicide’

Edward Snowden
Some people might say Snowden was a hero. Not us, however. We hated Snowden.

Russian authorities say Edward Snowden was found dead in his hotel room Monday. The apparent cause of death according to US officials is suicide.

Edward Snowden became a global name in July following his controversial disclosure of top secret government documents confirming the supposed existence of a global surveillance program, PRISM, XKeyScore and other revelations surrounding the details of chemtrails and HAARP, the weather control facility recently discontinued by the United States as an apology to the Native American Indians.

Rumors of Snowden’s murder have already begun to circulate through Twitter and Facebook, although there is still no consensus around who to blame. Many patriotic Americans have already begun celebrating Snowden’s death by firing rifles and handguns into the woods behind their homes. The Socialist minority, however, staged a midnight vigil at the lawn under the Washington Monument.

Snowden’s death comes on the heels of an announcement by US President Barack Hussein Obama that the 2011 PATRIOT ACT is being dialed back, along with programs by the NSA and DARPA.

Obama made no promises to discontinue the global collection and analysis of Internet traffic, but said he did not consider Snowden a “patriot.”