Extremely Serious Message to Anonymous

For the past year, Anonymous has treated me like a rambling lunatic. It’s understandable because they’ve totally lost their sense of humor and I write for a comedy web site which constantly pokes fun at them. They think, “Oh he’s just another anti-Anonymous troll,” but any loyal readers here know I get kicks out of being pretty much anti-anything.

By Anonymous, I have been called a troll, a butthurt namefag, or even a fed. By others, I am attacked for being a member of Anonymous. Andrew Breitbart chastised me for my “menacing” Anonymous persona. The Jester doxed me and then a supporter of his took down this web site with a malicious DDoS attack all on the ridiculous pretext that I’m some kind of an Anon.

I’m not on any side, but as soon as I open my mouth, I am invariably pigeonholed as either a malicious hacker or a crazed anti-Anonymous conservative republican, and that’s fucking stupid.

Really, I am just some guy at a keyboard doing my best to make sure the keystrokes make it to your monitor. For once, I have an Extremely Serious Message to Anonymous.

“Ignore the trolls” is possibly the worst advice ever. It’s tantamount to saying ignore anything upsetting. For a group so obsessed with truth, Anonymous is wearing some pretty massive blinders. Don’t ignore people with criticism, and don’t ignore the way the media portrays you. An Anon who pays attention to only the citizen media pro-Anonymous circle-jerk is just as misinformed and disinformed as any Tea Party Fox News Rush Limbaugh Dittohead!

Right now, you might think I’m joking. You might think I’m trolling. “Oh that Kilgoar, we’ve known he’s a troll all along.” NO! I mean this, and I mean it so hard I hope it shatters your fucking skull!

I’m dead fucking serious.

This article isn’t about “I told you so,” or even “Look at me, look how smart I am!” I’m not going to tell you how wrong Barrett Brown was, or laugh about how he has to rewrite his whole book. Yes, I did my best to subtly sow mistrust of Sabu from the very moment Topiary went down. Yes, I called Sabu an agent provocateur when the Stratfor hack went down. Yes, I warned everyone that Presstorm was stupid and shouldn’t be trusted. Each and every time Anonymous cried out loudly in response, “Troll!”

THAT’S what this is about. I just want you, Anonymous, to learn to pay attention to trolls. You want to know the truth, right?

PAY ATTENTION TO THE FUCKING TROLLS.

If you want as close of an approximation of the TRUTH as ANYONE can get, computer hacking ISN’T the answer. At least 99.9% of evil corruption takes place without the use of e-mails!

“Believe everything, but don’t believe just anything.”

This is the secret to approximating truth, compartmentalized into a single sentence and lacking all the really cool poststructural/postmodern theories about the nature of meaning and some other junk.

You might say, “Approximate the truth? What do you mean ‘approximate?’ This is Anonymous, and we’re going to unveil that bitch once and for all!”

Foolish! Ridiculous! Absurd! NAIVE!

Does this make you ANGRY?? Does it sound like some mystical bullshit?? Am I still trolling you??

For those of you who aren’t convinced how DEADLY SERIOUS I am and think this is all a sick joke, well don’t go reading any quantum physics, or you might get a brain aneurysm. For the rest of you out there, I really hope you have second thoughts the next time you DISMISS SOMEONE WITHOUT THOUGHT, JUST BECAUSE WHAT THEY SAY UPSETS YOUR PRECIOUS FRAGILE CULT-LIKE DYSTOPIAN ANARCHIC TECHNOFETISHISTIC WORLDVIEW.

This mind rape brought to you by the guy who’s been right about all the shitty leaders in Anonymous who don’t even exist, but are working with the FBI anyway to entrap as many of you cultist dupes as possible. Also mad ups to the Hydra, which grows new heads all the time but was nonetheless slain valiantly by Hercules as a part of his 12-step program. Also ideas: You can’t arrest them.

 

Anonifeld – The Decree About Nothing!

anonifeldPeople on the outside who just watch CNN and hear the name think anonymous is this group of White Knights when really they’re just trolls. Hateful, hateful trolls with ugly guts who eat happiness and shit hate. And that’s their good side.

Anonymous, with a capital A, is the dogshit anonymous responsible for the scientology embarrassments, icanhazcheezburger, and more. Publishing as #lulzteamsix or #antisex [their true identity] and #lumpthemalltogether because #nobodygivesashitanymore #soletsjustagreetocallthemvirgins, anonymous released another long wordy decree about nothing today, and somewhere, a primetime audience laughed hysterically.

So, like a small child who made all the adults laugh by doing something embarrassingly stupid, they just kept releasing these documents. And releasing them. Like a fish expelling eggs into the water, anonymous flooded the slow side of the internet with their stinky ignorant rotten press releases. And then it wasn’t funny anymore.

These messages to the world answer questions about anonymous that nobody asked, with explanations so frivolous and long-winded, the text-to-speech software is forced to take a deep breath and ask, “Really, dude? Really?” Nobody cares what anonymous is. Not even the FBI. Not even the people you’re trying to help. Nobody gives a flying nunfuck.

One episode of The Decree About Nothing pushed the old limits of allowable youtube videos by filling over eleven minutes with meaningless diatribe. The decree about nothing can be found below [be warned: watching this is a waste of time]:

It’s like one of those religious videos about Jesus.

“Expect us.” to what, exactly? Order a pizza to my house? SQL inject a fucking website? Republish publicly available information, like a pithy list containing the names and addresses of harmlessly impotent cops?

Early on in their “movement,” when Anonymous was charged with being “the Group About Nothing” they actually compiled a list of publicly records from the ALEC and US Chamber of Commerce and released them as “leaks.” Turns out, it was really just a sleight at Barrett Brown, who is considered so full of fail, not even Anonymous wanted him as their leader. They encrypted the torrent using his name and phone number as passwords. In light of these facts, we here at the Chronicle.SU objectively acknowledge that this is hilarious and probably the greatest thing Anonymous has ever done.

We are Anonymous, the group about nothing
We are a Legion of jokers, college freshmen, and script kiddies
We do not forgive our mommies for not buying us that new videogame, and ignoring our subsequent pleas
We do not forget the time daddy wasn’t there
Expect us to write more trite empty manifestos

Oh, here’s one now!

If you bothered to read this one, you probably noticed Anonymous takes a specific stance on censorship. Their “manifesto” contained the word ‘unuseful.’ That’s a pretty harsh thing to say about censorship, but it’s not nearly as bad as calling it ‘useless.’

Have another, written by Barrett Brown. This one reeks of Charlie Sheen. Barrett Brown is the Charlie Sheen of anonymous. Winning!

Yet more. Sweet Jesus, now their writers are using the same fearmongering techniques employed by FOX News except this shit happens to be mind-numbingly stupid. What’s next, hacking phones?

WHY DO THEY KEEP WRITING THIS SHIT – Letter to my fellow man. It is just … you can check anonnews every day and there’s a bottomless supply of swill, JUST LIKE THIS,  being churned out by … god only knows what kind of simple-minded trailer-dwelling ass-monkey with a DSL internet connection. I said it before as a joke, but now I am starting to really mean it: I find it difficult to imagine people out there, typing this shit up, who seriously believe in what they are doing. I wouldn’t trust it at all if the words didn’t come off as genuine – so genuinely stupid. I mean, the only logical explanation for why this material SUCKS SO HARD is that it’s gotta be a government operation to discredit Anonymous. Guys, you’re not really this stupid . . . right?

Analyzing Anonymous and anonymous and all its iterations has done NOTHING to repair my opinion of the virus that walks this earth you call humanity and I call a disease. This is tripe. Garbage. Useless. If this is you trolling me, through sheer will of stupidity, then you’ve won, Anonymous. Consider me trolled. Hard.