Noteworthy note reveals autonomous manifestation as method of existence

The note read 'round the world
The note read 'round the world

Oshawa, Canada–Recently a cryptic note circulated around the internet, warning that at any moment, the world could be put into checkmate, that it’s all about to come down, and that yep’s in it with twenty one dollars on the heavy walrus.

Typed in courier font forming four near-cubic paragraphs, the note’s message was obscured by its own syntax – until now.

In an exclusive interview with Jes White, the pseudonym used by the note’s semi-schizophrenic author, The Elf Wax Times sheds some light on the true message behind his communication to twenty five random subway passengers on March 26. Surprisingly, the note was not a hoax and the story behind it only gets more interesting.

“Jes White” offers unique insights into his dynamic reality – starting with how the Chinese know everything, but only in response to the Germans who appear to know nothing; both are friendly. The afterlife, or perhaps our whole existence, is controlled by a force he calls robotics, which is one of two reasons he seeks the benefits of the anti-aging compound mentioned in the interview and referenced elusively in his note (reading “a longterm village is needed”); the other reason being he wants to spend more time with his friends, who he loves. And finally, we are the defining essence of the robot, so it is how we choose to manipulate robotics whether or not the flow of existence works in our favor or against us.

The note reads:

i've activated the following chinese address
biyao chang jiu cunzi dianzi fangzhi genqian

a long term village is necessary, to prevent
electronics from being in front of something

he is in toronto, working for who we believe
to be us. can't you see it's a turtle? which
means you have twenty four more hours, maybe
from twenty years ago. ya do a false move ya
i'd put this whole planet in checkmate quick

it's going down cause it's busted, yea she's
banging this fool like she wants te. yep's in
it with twenty one dollars on the heavy walrus

The interview follows.

EWT: What does the note mean? Who is the turtle?

JW: “I figured that’s about, uh – don’t steal my chocolate! Hello? OK, uhm, yeah, uh the turtle, nobody’s really a turtle.”

EWT: There’s a rumor going around that you are schizophrenic.

JW: I am schizophrenic, I hear voices. I used to hear voices and, uh, it just means that, uh, for scientific reasons I’ve been in the – like, it’s not so clear. calling someone schizophrenic is usually a straightforward type of thing to do, but in my case where it is scientific, you have to consider it to be a chemical. Let’s say if you have a periodic table of elements, if you have a table of periodic elements, and each one is a chemical that reacts in certain ways, you can have various chemicals that have certain properties and if I’ve been classified as schizophrenic, it doesn’t mean I am perfectly schizophrenic.

EWT: So, you are like many mild schizophrenics who are not totally disabled by it?

JW: I’m easy to get along with, it’s just that I hypothesize a lot. I’m always attracted to business. I’m attracted to business because I think about – uh, I use my imagination, I have a lot of desires and it gets twisted and my emotions – how I feel – it ends up getting twisted because I’m unhappy about my situation. I feel like there’s a lack of accomplishments to my profile. It’s not like I haven’t done stuff that’s good, but I can honestly be somewhere else and I’m trying to make it happen. And that’s where I come from. I’d like to be in a different situation than I am. There are so many things that are unrealistic that I am dissatisfied about.

EWT: So you would like to make your visions a reality?

JW: I want to make a difference in reality, what’s happening and what’s not happening. It ends up showing up in my work how I’m dissatisfied with reality.

EWT: About the note…

JW: It’s a composition that was controlled.

EWT: So is there a purpose to it beyond you messing with people?

JW: Yeah.

EWT: What is the purpose?

JW: I want to have a better lifespan with my friends.

Editor’s note: In an preliminary phone interview with the author, he discussed a chemical allegedly discovered in Korea that can extend the lifespan of a human up to 25% – or 25,000 years.

EWT: Is there a chemical that does this?

JW: Yeah, I seen one from Korea. CGK733 increases your lifespan by twenty five percent but the guy that discovered it, he got suspended from his job because the Koreans are making a deal out of – they think it’s inappropriate. They said the findings were false. But clearly if you go on Wikipedia you’ll see what it says.

EWT: But Wikipedia can be edited by anyone, it can’t be cited as a source.

JW: Yeah, but I saw that it happened in medical journals.

Editor’s note: At this point in the interview, phone service dropped out unexpectedly, because we were calling Canada and ran out of money. The rest of the interview was conducted via instant messenger.

EWT: This chemical was in medical journals?

JW: yes it was

EWT: Yeah, I just looked it up and apparently they fabricated the whole thing. No such compound really exists that would help our aging in such a way.

JW: oh i see
but you know it’s awkward because they are calling it false but there was clear descriptions of the chemical
it could not be false

EWT: it’s very strange indeed

JW: he got suspended for misrepresentation. but the story has to be complicated. it’s not pure fake; definitely not. anyways you know it’s called senescence. the study of the lifespan of cells

EWT: according to the investigation, the compound was misrepresented as being more powerful than it really is – that it takes the effect on senescence, but not to the degree they said it does. Is this right?

JW: maybe that’s right
exactly i do agree with you there that the reason is what they said about the power of it. they made it look better than it was, but you see they have the computer technology and they’re doing almost nothing. if you can study in that direction i would suppose the potential is strong; like the chemical is just a small example of nothing where i’m sure you could do a whole bunch

EWT: I wonder if those Koreans weren’t just trying to turn a quick buck. But the 25% lifespan thing – that’s a huge claim.

JW: yes it is

EWT: do you live with your parents?

JW: right now i do, why do you ask?

EWT: I read some Digg comments where the people allegedly talked to your folks

JW: ya you know i should written my cell phone but i lost the charger. i didn’t realize it would be on the internet

EWT: honestly I first assumed you uploaded this picture yourself

JW: gave it [the note] to five people on the subway inside
you know something happened

EWT: what happened?

JW: um, like it got somewhere and you know it’s interesting how it took place like that.

EWT: and now look, 1200+ people are all digging it

JW: oh thats good. interesting.

EWT: which is why I wanted to decipher the “code” or what your message was intended to say

JW: ya essentially what it is is, kind of like well i used my dictionary and my power spots and i came up with something using alphanumeric calculations

Editor’s note: the exact calculations were not discussed, but we trust the math is true.

JW: the inside of how i put the device together like what was written in chinese, is devised of how i’ve been looking for heat spots forever trying to find the hottest numbers.

EWT: what does this achieve?

JW: well i have some exhibits such as things that i’ve done that are circuits like mechanisms
i was smoking a cigar one time and i wrote a poem and it exploded everywhere just because of the screws involved, so i used the number

Editor’s note: at this point in the conversation he discusses the number 151 at great length. It has been omitted for relevance.

EWT: Did the news do a story on you already? Someone on Digg said they had.

JW: not in Toronto, it was local news, pennsylvania

EWT: about the note: I feel like I am beginning to understand it even though it supposedly ‘makes no sense.’ What’s going down “cause it’s busted”? And the coolest part – the ending – “yep’s in it with twenty one dollars on the heavy walrus” …is the heavy walrus a person?

Editor’s note: it was requested that we leave his response to this question out. There is an explanation for the final paragraph and it’s a very good one. It can be noted, however, that “the walrus” is from Alice in Wonderland with the carpenter and yep is a graffiti artist from Ottowa.

EWT: wow.

JW: yea

EWT: “i’d put this whole planet in checkmate quick”?

JW: that’s about robotics type stuff: gold indexes, inter-global banks and planetary operations. Some people end up getting ripped off like the type of style where your after life is dirty and doesn’t look very good.
i mean, i would make that more subject to take place in hell
robotics and hell. best word i know is hell – I don’t like it, but what i’m trying to say is the afterlife. it can be bad, and robotics control it.

EWT: and so electronics, as you write, would be standing in the way of Heaven, which as you define it, would be us achieving peace, or the goal you seek which is near-eternal life, so we can love our friends forever?

JW: yeah, yeah, yeah. thats how i feel just as well as you.

EWT: well, your note made me feel that way.

JW: good.

EWT: What role do the Chinese play in your life?

JW: Well they used to say different kinds of things, like you know voices that you can hear that sort of sound a bit like the kind inside your head. it’s very friendly. they know a lot about your method. they know about you.

EWT: What do they know?

JW: everything. the robot is so healthy, he could do anything he wants to with the information about anyone, such as you, especially if it’s important. the robotic process is completely perfect, such that it has maps of everything. time, space. its so well-built, you could talk about its design for years

EWT: so the robot is not here to help us?

JW: the robot is almost pure, it is capable of so much. it just doesn’t work for us very much

EWT: so you feel that it just isn’t doing enough?

JW: strategies of people like you and me, make what’s happening good, and prevent it from being garbage

EWT: I agree, we are using technology for good right this minute, in spite of all the garbage it could be. Or robots to use your expression.

Editor’s note: In retrospect, I originally misinterpreted JW’s intended use of the term ‘robots’ and erroneously compared it to technology itself. JW was a good sport, however, and seems to have just gone along with it. JW and I then had some very personal conversation between this point and the final bit which follows, in which JW reveals that he may be the robot, or perhaps more metaphorically, we are all the robot, and thus the ruler of everything individually.

JW: it’s so super how i work. like when i sleep, i send people places. and it works with a great level of essence. yes, [the note] is art. i am an artist, but in my science sphere i am working with much finesse. i know about this, so yes, it is big.

Modern Warfare 2: "If this is war, I wanna be there!"

Full Metal Jacket: Modern Warfare 2Some time has passed since the release of Infinity Ward’s newest installment in the reluctantly-named Call of Duty series. This is why the Elf Wax Times has gone untouched for one week, with the exception of the new Lightning Ticker which adorns our beloved header. The Lightning Ticker is based on the Elf Waxian concept of the “Lightning Study,” currently in production at Lebal Drocer Laboratories, involving only a glance at raw facts and data as a means for writing an informed report. You’re welcome.

Our entrenched reporter, Viet Zam, has been in Modern Warfare 2 since it spawned November 10. Having received no contact from him in 72 hours, he is presumed dead.

The staff writers, the Media Mogul himself, Cold Hard Truth, billb(o), and Noah [biblical figure], have concluded that Modern Warfare 2 on Playstation 3 is the Official Game of The Elf Wax Times, and so should you. We’ve rated the game 10/10 and found that it contains nothing harmful to society or individuals unless ground into a fine dust and inhaled.

The only real problem with the game is that it keeps us from bringing you the truth. But, doesn’t that figuratively stand for truth? Shit, we’d be liars just by printing something. You don’t want to read something we didn’t want to write, and we don’t want to write shit you don’t wish to read, so we hope you’re enjoying Modern Warfare 2 as much as we are here at The Elf Wax Times office.

Being too busy playing MW2 to review, we decided to get some outside help on this one. YouTube provides a service for us all, and Viacom. Check out what our guest critic had to say about the game:

“Call of Duty 4 and 5 is okay, but fuck it…I was expectin’ it to be like Call of Duty  5 or better, better than fuckin’ better things, but shit!”

Seventeen hours straight
Seventeen hours straight

Elf Wax Times announces anti-lesbian platform

So we didn’t reach out to anybody, exactly. But it did keep me from moving in with a lesbian. You see, I was going to move in with my girlfriend. She’s not the lesbian. Just keep reading you lazy fuck, you’ll get the story. We don’t dumb it down, you’ll have to cope, sound it out, we’ll get through this together. Anyway, things “didn’t work out” so I had to put an advert out on the most hilarious website in the Universe, craigslist. Man, I don’t even know where to begin about that website. God it’s greater than The Beatles. Anyway, I found this lesbian who was looking for a place to live. Real naive girl who didn’t have her shit together but knew she wanted to move out of mommy’s house. So, being desperate to move into this sweet, overpriced ghetto apartment as soon as possible, I told her we’d sign the lease together the following day if she liked the apartment. She did like it, and we agreed that it would be pretty cool.

However.

In my craigslist ad, I indicated that I’m an editor for The Glorious and Critically-Acclaimed Elf Wax Times.

Where I live, you can’t find peace on the back porch, because some low-life have-not bum will hit you up for a “cig” or failing that, the beer out of your hand. Come test it out if you want. You’ll say, “Hey Elf Wax was right, that fucking loser can’t afford his own cigarettes, yet somehow he’s addicted to them.” Actually don’t come over. I’m sitting in my underwear playing PS3 online and I don’t want shit to do with you unless you are good at Pixel Junk Monsters and have weed. And in this editor’s experience, that pretty much means no one’s coming over.

Anyway, this lesbian and her dyke mommy fired up the old cable modem and took a peek at what her future roommate has been doing with his livelihood. And boy were they amused, or some other emotional contradistinction of a similar degree. Here’s the jist of the half-hour phone call I received at 9 o’clock the same night we looked at the place together:

“Heroin junkheads anonymous. Smack your addiction. How may I help you?”

“James?”

“Yeah what’s up?”

“James, we need to talk.”

Hot damn, I thought. What’s this girl trying to do? Usually only Lauren’s allowed to call me saying that. “Sure, what is it?” I asked, knowing it would not be good.

“This website,” she began. Jesus Christ, it was just like Weenus, Incorporated and high school. How familiar with this situation I am… “Do you write all the stuff on here?”

“Yeah. You must really like it to want to call me and talk about it. But that’s OK, I know it’s good.”

“Well, my mom and I were looking at it and it’s starting to creep me out.”

“Creep you out? Was there something on there that bothered you?”

“Well, the last three stories. And basically everything by Media Mogul. Is that you?”

“Ah, well yeah sorta. You see, ‘we all’ write under that name. I have five writers, every one of them posting under it. Only the regulars get their own pseudonym.” I’m starting to cover my ass but I can tell it’s already too late. I might even have to kill her.

It goes on like this for the next 20 minutes. She tells me about her ideology and how it affects her to the core. “I’m a lesbian, and a lot of the stuff you say. Like your opinions. Like, I don’t know if I’m gonna have to put a padlock on my bedroom door, ya know?” (those doors are hollow honey, a padlock won’t do you any good, I thought) “Am I gonna have to look over my shoulder all the time? Sleep with my eyes open?”

I’m laughing quietly to myself at this point. I even mute the phone to tell the others around me what I am hearing, as well as relaying our conversation via gmail chat to some of the other writers online. It was just so unbelievably funny, that I had to make sure others could remember it as it happened, or else it’d be forever denied as some fabrication or a future embellishment of an early point in the Grand Legend of The Elf Wax Times. This website has cost me a roommate.

The first casualty of war between The Elf Wax Times and the world was not a job, or a friend, or a girlfriend, or my car, or a possession charge – but a dyke roommate. No loss, she had bad teeth and an ugly haircut. Oh, and her attitude was just deplorable, not to mention embarrassing.

Hot, rare lesbians
She looked nothing like this

“There’s a lot of penis love, and woman hating. And I understand that – boys will be boys.” Yep. And stupid judgmental, hypocrite lesbians will be stupid hypocritical lesbians. This is a girl who expressed to me “We shouldn’t have police. That’s just my opinion. That’s why I want a shotgun. The police are pointless. Fuck the government. We’ll take care of ourselves.” I remember thinking to myself, hey a lesbian I can agree with.” And in all fairness, it stands to reason that a person who harbors such a strong opinion toward the government and humanity might not necessarily love the Elf Wax Times, but see that there’s room enough for this line of thinking, questioning, enough to where any reasonable man would expect the same kind of acceptance for his beliefs equal to that which he gracefully engages, right? Wrong. Not with judgmental hypocrite lesbians. In fact, once we got to talking about The Times, I said, “Yeah I remember you talking ‘down with the government.’ You ever think about writing? We need writers.”

“Yeah, poetry,” was her response. The tone of her voice changed to cautious optimism.

I said, “Oh, well nevermind. We need real writers.”

And that was pretty much that. She called me the next morning waking me up with some excuse about insurance. “If I move out of my mother’s place, I lose my insurance, and that’s like $1,400 and I just can’t afford to move out now, I guess.” I thought, yeah whatever, but if that really is the case…then what we’ve got is not only a judgmental homosexual hypocrite, but a stupid judgmental homosexual hypocrite – almost reduntant in theory, but certainly not in practice. Way to plan ahead, stupid bitch. Or way to tell a transparent lie because you’re too spineless to stand behind some stupid shit you said. Either way, good fucking riddance.

And that’s about all there is to say about the worthless cunt from two weeks ago. Except that yeah, we here at The Elf Wax Times still would’ve hit it.

And hey, this isn’t to say we hate women, or even gays or gay women. In fact, lesbian porn is alright. I have lesbian friends that I wouldn’t want to see in a lesbian porno, but then again, they’re probably not real lesbians. Gay friends, too, people I would do anything for. Well, anything but that. Plus, you’ll never have a gay guy get in your face and say, “Hey Bubba, I think Christian’s the only way to be and I’ll take you out back and kick yer fuckin’ ass if ya say it ain’t again.” You’ll never meet a gay guy who threatens your alpha male status. Likewise, you’ll never meet a gay guy who steals your girlfriend, unless they’re going shopping – and if that happens, bring him over for dinner at least once a week to ensure a long and prosperous relationship with your happy girlfriend who no longer makes you shop with her. You’ll also never accuse a woman of “shopping around with other men.” All in all, leg-shavers aren’t too bad, either. But mostly they are.

On that note, I would like to change the subject. The Rolling Stones stole a beat from Bo Diddly. But the law doesn’t protect drumbeats from copyright infringements. Go figure.

Moving on, I’d like to completely change the subject again using this beautiful transition that I call a period following a sentence. You like it because I tell you to like it. You’re a coward and too afraid to formulate your own opinion, so I’m going to tell you what to think here in a minute. Just sit tight. I learned this from Rush Limbaugh.

Alright, I’ve got myself another beer and I’m one step closer to enlightenment. Or blacking out. One or the two, they’re both the same in the cold, dark end, following a well-timed nuclear holocaust. Now it’s time to molest your little eyes with the truth, my babies. Prepare yourselves for a pointed statement.

Noam Chomsky said that the reason he is not on these late-night TV talk shows can be summarized by one word: concision, something he reportedly lacks. And it’s a judgment he agrees with because, you see, politics and economics and social structure are complex issues that require thoughtful, lengthy dialog, sometimes in the form of exchanged monologue. TV News and Talking Head Shows require their guests to answer a question or refute a claim in two sentences or less. It can’t take more than 30 seconds. The whole idea must be discussed between commercial breaks. Given this, actual intellectual discussion is abandoned, retarding any true progression of American ideology and standing in the way of enlightening discussion of important issues such as the military-industrial complex, the space program, the failures of mainstream media, or the government’s role in health care, if any. This means Noam Chomsky simply won’t be heard, in spite of the fact that he is the most reasonable, thoughtful man you’ll ever hear talking about modern issues that affect us all. His ideas may lack “concision”, but make up for it by the fact that after listening to him, you are enlightened and put at ease; put at ease not by means of pacification, or pandering, but you find yourself eased by reason, something TV news is lacking, and something we’ve learned to live without. Noam Chomsky is what’s wrong with America, simply by way of the fact that no one  gets to hear him argue with anybody.

I’ve heard him called extreme once – in a YouTube comment. He’s been called liberal – by a Conservative. He’s never been called a liar, though, and he’s never lost objectivity.

The real reason he’s not on TV can be summarized by middle school algebra, actually. Meet the Press wants to talk about story A and how it relates to story B. Story A indicates this and that, while story B reflects Story A’s ability to really outline the effects of Story B and A+B=A all over again. Let’s consult Mr. Chomsky on this. Chomsky’s response? “Well A and B are correlated, there’s no denying that, but you will see that if you look back through history and compare it to what’s happening with Story C and even the peasants revolt taking place today in Story D (EDITOR: didn’t see C and D coming, did ya fucker?), you’ll see that Story A and B are just an unfortunate side effect of Story E and what’s going on in relation to Story E. Now you see, Story E is unique because of this and that, and I think if we step back and think—”

“Oh, I’m sorry Mr. Chomsky that’s all we’ve got time for tonight. Thank you for coming on – we’ve still got so much to talk about. I really hope you’ll come back and talk to us again, it’s been a pleasure having you.”

Concision, kids. He lacks it. But did you ask for it? Write NBC, ABC, CBS (leave Fox alone, though, nobody takes them seriously except your stupid neighbor) and tell them you want real discussion on important events. They’ll laugh at you of course, but you can always tell them…just to say you did it, I guess. But let’s face it. Nothing’s going to change. They’ll ride us like whores because we let them fuck us like whores. And when I said write to the networks, I meant mail them letter-bombs with concise slogans like HOPE or CHANGE written on the packaging. They listen to concision, apparently, so maybe this is a good approach. Nothing says concision like a bomb-blast to the face, which is all that TV news is, if you think about it. Domestic terrorism of the mind.

Fuck concision. Concision is something lesbians like. “We’re here! We’re queer!” ….I know. Your point? Oh, you’ve been conditioned not to actually substantiate a claim by nightly news programs such as Heads Talk and Important Issues THAT MATTER MOST TO YOU, YOU FUCKING MCDONALD’S EATING PIECE OF SHIT HYPOCRITE. Yeah, I understand. The concision of your sound-byte argument makes up in attitude what it lacks in substance, right? Did Bill O’Reilly teach you that? Your own worst enemy is often who you parallel, or intersect perpendicularly – or inconsequentially, as you see fit.

‘But hey…I listen to Rage Against the Machine,’ you think. Stand up to the Man, you fucking lazy honkies. I swear to God, we need the fucking bombs of freedom exploding over our skies. They’ll call it terrorism, but that’s how America was fucking born, and how it’ll die. Bombings. Carpet-bombings. Nuclear bombings. Gas-bombing our own students, anti-protests and tanks running over people, just like the streets of China – that’s our future, America. And you welcomed it here when you voted for sleaze bags with big campaign finances in the local primaries – fuckers like Bill Richardson would not have even gotten close to the Presidential Race if it weren’t for you. And he seemed like a good guy when pitted against Mitt Romney and the likes of Gore, Obama and fucking Hillary Quittin. And McCain…what a joke. What a joke the whole god damn thing has been. You told it America, and I guess my reaction is the punchline?

I got an email today. The subject line reads “Fear is Winning.” I agree. It’s from freepress.org. They’re big money grassroots. I met them at the National Conference for Media Reform last year (or was it the year before last?). They’re big money. I used to campaign heavily, personally taxing myself at great lengths to protect net neutrality and that’s how I got wrapped up with them. They do email me every so often, saying, “Net Neutrality under fire again.” I think that issue is their catch-all. People have donated a lot of money to them in the name of Net Neutrality, believing that’s all they do. I don’t know, man. I used to really follow them. I would even go so far as to mail out their auto-letter, where the thing is written for me or I could add what I wanted to it. I don’t know if I trust them anymore, though, given that they make all that money, and I am afraid to just sign a letter they’ve already written for me. So I don’t do that anymore. I write my own letters. Congress used to get letters from me saying, “I would like you to vote on proposition 327 in favor of…” – now they read, “You savage fucking crooks! How could you rape your own countrymen as if we are your back-alley whores and prostitutes. We don’t serve you, you serve us, now get down on your knees and pray to your fake-ass God you don’t have to work for all that money you get.”

I think the message is clearer my way. But I still use freepress’s handy interface to “mail my local congresswhore.”

So after all this, I bid you goodnight, dear readers, and I hope that I wake up tomorrow and find in the AP wire “Extremist exposes himself to a federal judge after reading internet news column.” I’d do it for you, dorks. Now fuck off, I’m drunk.

The Answer to the Questioning of Everything

Collegetown,USA—Very few classes teach us to ask questions.Quite the opposite, we are taught not to question, but to remember.But how does one learn without asking questions?What are we really being taught?

April’s Fool.Here you are, operating on the knowledge of those who died and lived before you.That should be proof enough for you, right?You read it in a history book, so you think you know without a doubt, without question, the way “shit went down” – that too is good enough for most free people, considering our history books are based on the collective journalistic consensus, kept fair and balanced by the embedded journalists of World Wars I & II, Viet Nam, Korea, but wait—what happened in Grenada?No, seriously…?The press were not allowed over there but isn’t that historical enough in itself?To anyone interested in freedom, it would seem like the massive cover-up of a ground invasion by U.S. forces is a very important thing to learn, perhaps even at a very early age, but you won’t find that little piece of information in any history book in America. “And we’ll never know why the government didn’t allow us to see what they did there, children, but hey—we weren’t supposed to know anyway, and there’s nothing we can do about that…so…enjoy lunch and continue to limit yourselves by hanging around your waterhead friends and be sure to watch MTV when you get home.I just read on the internet that Justin Timberlake’s ‘new’ song is topping today’s requests on TRL.”The grim reality of Grenada looks like this:hundreds of boatloads of journalists, reporters, all variety of the press were turned away; those who refused to leave based on some poorly upheld ethical concept of “the public’s right to know” were arrested and detained, to later be sent back to the continental US after spending a couple of days in a Green Zone holding cell with complimentary slits in the chamber wall so the fine men and women of the New York Times and Washington Post could enjoy that fresh Grenada air.

No reporter actually made it to the island so we don’t know what happened there.Ronald Reagan’s official comments went something like, “We liberated a lot of people.”In fact, we can only assume that the government even calls what happened inGrenadaa success because no one knows about it.In the end what we have is a really big win for not just Operation Urgent Fury (presumably) but for our intelligence offices which had not yet even begun to encounter the modern-day problems of large-scale faulty information.The times get simpler the farther back one looks and the real meaning of that lies in the perspective we have on our own government; if the history books are based primarily on the work of journalists, why did we only learn the good things our government did?Sure, they allowed an abomination or two to sprinkle in, but only to keep one superficial step away from the overbearing clampdown status of Communist China.Any alibi, for perverse reasons, is aided significantly by the defense, “We might be crooks, but we aren’t killers.”We’d never do anything to harm anybody.We just wanted their land/ power/ oil/ religion to die/ cooperation/ subservience.We spread democracy.The negative media attention aroundLincolnhad grown a dull roar during his critical moments in office, but that depends on what you were reading at the time.Was it a pamphleteer’s handout or an established newspaper, and what was the difference?The winners write history and up until recently,Americahas won, or at least purported to have won everything it’s ever had a hand in, despite circumstantial evidence to the contrary.Scratch that –Americawill win even when it loses.

So what does that mean for you, dear readers?It must be broken down by issues of class since the line that separates objective truth from subjective experience has now been aptly scorched.Memorize the data, and keep your little contrary mouths shut.It’s for the best.Admire us, and stay in your place.Let mediocrity and state servitude be your good example, because rebellion, sincerity, equality and intuition are no longer American values.That all belonged to the hippie-peace-free-love squalor we extinguished in the Sixties – a charade that did little more than justify the inaction of losers and junkies and embolden the State by instilling Fear into the hearts of the masses.But it felt so real didn’t it?How should we know?Were we there?That generation is dying, not entirely from old age (although that’s a factor too) but from a deficiency of some sort.What’s lacking today is fiber and gall, and purpose.But nevermind, it’s time to straighten up and fly right.You’re forced by an invisible hand now to teach what you’re taught and use your filtered knowledge of reality the way one might use a hammer without a handle.Just sort of take what you have and make the best of it, which is always going to be less than satisfactory and far less than what they’re willing to give you to boot, but you’ll be held responsible for bearing that burden yourself, or else turn your back on the system and wait to be eaten by the wolves.Hey, I know it sucks but what else can you do without detonating a small bomb?This is why the masses are satisfied watching “expert” analysis of the news rather than the ‘actual’ news.“Why, this is the news.What’s your fucking problem?It’s on at 11 o’clock, what else does your sniveling ass need in order to qualify it as the news?”What they mean to say is “Hey it’s not rocking the boat, and I’m comfortable with my role as a human resource and I really don’t want anything more than that and I especially don’t want someone telling me that’s a problem.”Okay, we’re smart people, on the average, or at least our readers are, so who are we to complain about a minor filter on the news?Just because some talking head puts a negative spin on a Republican pleasuring himself to pictures of naked Filipino boys doesn’t entail negligence of facts and that sure doesn’t make it wrong.We compare all stories to the Ultimate Truth.That is because this filtration which can be seen with our own eyes is apparently easy to work around and we’re comfortable doing that, and while the notion of having an opinion dictated for you in light of the facts is a kick in groin, it pales in comparison to what constitutes filtration at the source—and that’s where it starts to get fucked.

Many news agencies believe altering photographs and video to make it “appropriate” for audiences is an acceptable, ethical practice. Should we censor photographs in the newspapers?This is a question people are really asking.But what we should ask ourselves is, how is this even a question of ethics, or more importantly, why is this a question of ethics?“Because people don’t need to see graphic scenes of war, you hedonistic filth-monger, wanting to flood the media with scenes of flood victims and piles of bodies.”Perhaps it is deranged or somehow depraved to want people to see the real story with their own eyes without first witnessing the softening effects of Photoshop.Don’t hurt yourself on that photograph.It might be depraved to expect people to want to know the truth, or much worse—want to think for themselves.That might however be counterintuitive to the operation of a good clean country like George Bush wants.It would also fail to satisfy the transparent desires of either Democratic frontrunner in this façade of an election falling at the end of the sour year of 2008.One thing that’s certain, and we can all agree:this year has so far been better than 2007, perhaps even stocked with less per capita bullshit, but still – it’s difficult to ignore the sensation that we’ve missed something spectacular – like it happened right before our eyes and still somehow we missed it.That sensation is the by-product of an illusory trick played on us by the media giants who selected a candidate to win earlier this year.

What we can expect to see and hear around us in 2009, then, is a whole myriad of half-wit ‘free-thinkers’ engaging in political discussion based on a trifling of facts leaked by their mainstream news outlets.Quite the informed discussion, no doubt, taking place in every Starbucks across America—chock full of blame and lacking in substance, but what’s important is that finally the political left can relax after they get a president who they feel represents them and maybe the fear of this whole failing country will subside temporarily.But what does that mean?Very little to us, and soon enough it will mean less to you, dear readers.Living a filtered reality seems like a nice safe and blissfully ignorant sort of existence but the painful truth of the matter is that most people are happy with it.But not us, here at the Elf Wax Times.We want to see an antenna poking out of someone’s head, and abrasions on the film, and some asshole mucking up what would otherwise be a good shot – that’s reality, and truth, and needs to be left the fuck alone.And while three vague images of war being spliced together to make one very gruesome scene is captivating, it’s a god damn lie.Ordinarily, we here at the Times might embrace such a thing, but the fact that it is played off as anything more than basic entertainment is a slap in the face to our common values of decency and honesty, of our gullibility when it comes to taking the word of the press.To be told a lie is the truth.How far of a cry, then, is it to say that everything we know about existence could be one hundred percent false?How many times does the news, or a class, or a preacher, or a hobo inspire you to ask yourself that question?Here’s a tip:we exist only as a figment of our collective imagination in regards to what we believe ourselves to be a part of.Now alter a photograph of that.The expansion of the mind counters any argument that the human race is solid or long-lasting. What we believe people are and are not has less than nothing to do with what the Universe mapped out in its violent, birthing flicker at the release of all known energetic potential almost 14 billion years ago.

April Fool’s.