“We come bearing gifts!” the female announced, holding up a gift basket with a smile. “Well, hello!” replied the aide, taking the flowers and displaying them on her desk. “Please, come on in!” The group strode by as my reporter continued to wait. They disappeared into their mutual representative’s office and closed the door. . . .
What happens when politicians visit apolitical rallies such as Occupy Roanoke? . . .
A man does cocaine and throws up his cocaine all over the cocaine. . . .
This is the closest thing you’re ever going to get to a commercial on The Elf Wax Times. Fuck advertising, fuck the media, and fuck your blind faith in the government. . . .
Mayor Dwight C. Jones allegedly took part in an illegal child-fighting ring that Elf Wax speculates has connections to football God Michael Vick. . . .
Roanoke, Va.–This girl I liked when we were in ninth grade was really cute and had pretty green eyes. I told her one day as we were walking to the buses and she said ‘thank you.’ I never thought another thing of it because chasing tail, I decided, wasn’t . . .
Springfield, U.S.–Dignity found a face when local cracker factory worker Kirk Van Houten attempted to draw it during a game of Pictionary Saturday night, twelve years ago. Ordained with failure after his wife, Luann, could not guess the image, he challenged her to draw a better one in front of the party. What resulted was . . .
This evening, a black hole instantly spawned inside our solar system. The event occurred so suddenly that scientists have not been able to determine its preconditions, but more presently, they are concerned with how humanity will go about tackling this catastrophic phenomenon of rapidly-impending doom. Two brave Elf Waxtronauts
Commented . . .
More on this story as it develops.
ROANOKE, VA–As a result of the recent findings of pharmaceutical drugs in tap water across the U.S., a local study in Roanoke, Virginia has found traces of lysergic acid diethylamide(LSD) in the community’s water supply. Experts say the water supply could’ve been “spiked” many years ago. . . .