We come bearing gifts!

“We come bearing gifts!” the female announced, holding up a gift basket with a smile. “Well, hello!” replied the aide, taking the flowers and displaying them on her desk. “Please, come on in!” The group strode by as my reporter continued to wait. They disappeared into their mutual representative’s office and closed the door. . . .

Paul Ryan washes dishes at Ohio soup kitchen and hurries out

Paul Ryan hurriedly washes a pan while lecturing schoolchildren about the inconvenience of calluses. . . .

Rick Santorum: top 5 unorthodox views

So brave! Chronicle.SU Christian Scientists analyze the various ways in which Ricky Santorum demonstrates his Christian bravery. . . .

Peter King To Rescue Fear-Gripped Midwest From Shariah Law

The only “serious” differences in fundie types are alterations in the underlying cartoon narrative of anthropology, familial histories, flying men and talking donkeys. . . .

ELF WAX TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT

The Elf Wax Times’ team of political analysts project that the publication’s platform of drug use, videogames and name-calling will be all the evidence voters need to make the right decision in 2012. . . .