DENVER, Colo.– ISIS recruit Rawdah Abdisalaam’s twitter account is suspended and none of it is archived anywhere. Considering the United States manufactured #ISIS by bombing Middle Easterners’ homes (after manufacturing their predecessors by arming Afghans who fought against the Soviet Union), it seems like the best thing we could have in response would be their side of the story – at least for laughs, right?
Nope, suspended. We get shitty Newscorp interpretations of events like it’s always been. You know who #ISIS ultimately serves? Lockheed-Martin and Boeing, war machine manufacturers who knew this would happen and worked closely with policy makers to ensure when it does happen, their toys will be purchased even if the budget shrinks. The Pentagon budget has shrunk so much though, they’re now selling war toys to Saudi Arabia for bombing Yemen, and things will continue in that pattern for a while.
ISIS exists to perpetuate a cycle of American profit. Everything they do is to an American company’s profit, especially Boeing and Lockheed-Martin. Although they won’t admit it publicly, this girl who joined ISIS is a “fucking patriot” when they look at what she and her new sand-friends are doing for American bank accounts.
This war is brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer, Inc. We own everything that matters.
WASHINGTON, D.C. –Literally no one was shocked to learn of a Saudi Arabian airstrike against the Haradh district of northern Yemen on Monday.
Angstrom Trodlinyiavic, a chief member of the UN human rights council, said he is surprised the bombing only targeted military installations, when everyone knows it is the barbaric women and children of Yemen who are to blame for their country’s upheaval.
“I am only in favor of toppling dictators who oppose American interests,” Troubadour said. “Human rights abuses by Hosni Mubarak to Saddam Hussein had no rhyme or reason. Those men were tyrants. Barack Hussein, on the other hand, and Abdullah of Saudi Arabia only skirt human rights when they absolutely need to. That is the difference with which I rationalize this contradictory, and offensive, narrative.”
A Saudi-led coalition of desert warriors is forming a united military front against the Iranian controlled Houthi militiamen, who are known within intelligence communities to be dangerously equipped with the world’s most advanced pointed sticks and semiautomatic small arms. As the group advances south, toward the city of Aden, Yemen President Rabbu Mansour Hadi is feeling greater pressure than ever to sign off on construction of a new chain of Arby’s restaurants across the northern region of the country.
Americans gathered around their televisions Friday, satisfied, because even between commercial breaks, some say they are continuously entertained “by the war.”
American Emily Jessup, 23, said a broken nation of war can be a good thing. It can even be fun, she said.
“We can finally reap the spoils of war – even a losing one!” Jessup said. Jessup and four friends discussed the war Wednesday after a long and painful evening of ‘hanging out.’
“Aw, we was just hanging out,” Jessup explained. “Hanging out’s just a good old however-long session of silently staring into smart phones, watching the reality TV show Catfish on Netflix.
I looked around the room into my friends’ dead eyes, and that’s when I knew it was time to talk about the war.
Gerald Samberg, former reality television enthusiast, first had the idea to discuss war during what was undoubtedly an agonizing reappraisal of his own sexual market value.
Samberg said, “I looked around the room into my friends’ dead eyes, and that’s when I knew it was time to talk about the war.”
America – the war about nothing
Social media critic and behaviorist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador hailed the war as “the perfect topic for discussion, anytime.” He added, “Even if you don’t know what to talk about, you can always just talk about the war. May the loudest opinion win!”
“The war has given us so much… to talk about,” Samberg said. “I’m shocked I even used to watch that old reality television. It just bores me now, and I can’t think about anything but this new ‘reality TV’ called war.”
Jeremy Thornton, another friend in Samberg’s group set, said he is good with activities that don’t require human interaction. Thornton said he enjoys masturbation and videogames, but when it comes to “smalltalk,” he just can’t cope.
“I can look at Redtube.com for six hours straight,” Jeremy said, “but you put me around people and my mouth gets all whiskey-dick. I just can’t talk to people. It’s awful. But then I remember we’re a nation at war, and I’m happy again.”
Billy Bell “Ray” Thornton, Jeremy’s younger brother and emotional punching bag, added, “Our Grandpa died in the war, shot down by the slopes – Pacific Theater. I never really understood it, but now I’m getting it. Grandpa didn’t die in vain. I like to think Grandpa died for a cause, afterall. Grandpa died so we’d have something to talk about, didn’t he?”
Later, Billy Bell Ray said the war helps him feel better about himself. Other members of their friend group agreed that the war makes them feel better about themselves in general, and that they were willing to talk about it made them deeper, more thoughtful and intelligent people.
And it does.
The War™ is brought to you gloriously by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
INTERNET – According to a new study, an overwhelming majority of online peace activists just want President Obama to get on with bombing Syria.
The study, conducted by the non-partisan Pew Research Center, found that 91% of internet users who identify as peace activists are increasingly impatient to condemn civilian casualties of the expected U.S. bombing campaign. All of the remaining 9% agreed that although they would rather the bombings not go ahead, they were looking forward to saying “I told you so” if the U.S. accidentally strikes a school or hospital.
“We all know Obama is going to order these strikes no matter what,” said 22 year old Tyson Jaager, an unemployed retail assistant from Ohio who runs an anti-war Tumblr account. “I’m going to make side-by-side composite photos of dead children from the alleged chemical weapon attacks and dead children from U.S. strikes. I’m just waiting for the bombs to start falling now.”
21 year old Amy Brighton, a London barista and active Guardian commenter, agreed: “I’ve written a damning petition to take back Obama’s Nobel Peace Prize. I’m ready to post it to Change.org. I just kind of feel like I need to wait for him to actually order the strikes. God, this is taking forever.”
The War became permanent Friday after senior Obama administration officials said they have “no intention” of “ever stopping” the hugely successful ‘War on Terror.’
Assistant Defense Secretary Michael Sheehan said they are “pre-emptively” calling any future administration that tries to stop the Authorization for Use of Military Force (AUMF) “treasonous” for aiding whoever the enemy is by then.
“We don’t know who in the shit we want to shoot at next, but by God I hope to hell it’s some Jihadi-ass sand people,” said Sheehan, adding, “I don’t fuck with no Russians.”
Sheehan warned against any future acts of Congress or government that dare to try and stop the permanent war before it is over.
“We have gone forward with legislation that automatically detains any leader, indefinitely, who tries to end this horrifying, successful permanent war policy,” Sheehan said.
Sheehan was stupefyingly candid with reporters Friday, saying the war has already become so profitable for his friends, it would be “a death wish” to American freedom of flow of capital into his pockets to end it too soon.
“We are hesitant to put a timetable on the War on Terror. I don’t know if terrorism is EVER gonna go away—not while it’s profitable, anyway,” said Sheehan.
Sheehan said he no longer fears retaliation from a culture he describes as being “indoctrinated” into the police state from early childhood on up.
“Your faggot kids are worse than you CNN-watching couchtards,” said Sheehan. “I mean, they’re too afraid now to even skip class, and that’s where they’re taught to join the military and become heroes like in them vidyagames they’re always playing.”
Sheehan said America’s going to have to learn to tighten its belt while all this war mongerin’ gets under way in meaningless countries like the Congo and Syria. Sheehan said he has hopes, however, that the economy can still support “a whole shitload” of profitable wars he has planned.
“We still have the whole education budget—and NASA! For fuck’s sake, do you realize how much money we are wasting on Medicare right now?” Sheehan said, looking up at the ceiling. “Good gosh-a-mighty, we could even cut back on infrastructure, and just let the whole fuckin’ place rot.”
1/21/2013 – BARKSDALE AIR FORCE BASE, La. — Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.’s 83rd birthday was Jan. 15. . . His courageous crusade for equality was first nationally recognized on Jan. 20, 1986, when President Reagan established the third Monday in January as an official federal government holiday.
Our country, our Air Force and Air Force Global Strike Command can learn much from Dr. King’s drive for America to be a nation of equals. . . During his “I Have a Dream” speech given at the Lincoln Memorial in Washington, D.C. on Aug. 28, 1963, King told a gathering of more than 200,000 Americans, “I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the meaning of its creed, ‘We hold these truths to be self-evident that all men are created equal.'”
Dr. King completed his moving presentation with an emphasis on the freedom that equality brings, “…from every mountainside, let freedom ring. . . And when this happens, when we allow freedom to ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God’s children, black men, white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing the words of the old Negro spiritual: Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty we are free at last!”
The Department of Defense is a leader in equal opportunity for all patriots seeking to serve this great nation. . . The vigilant warriors in AFGSC understand they are all equal and unified in purpose to provide a safe, secure and effective deterrent force for the United States. . .
Dr. King would be proud to see our Global Strike team – comprised of Airmen, civilians and contractors from every race, creed, background and religion – standing side-by-side ensuring the most powerful weapons in the U.S. arsenal remain the credible bedrock of our national defense. . . Our team must overlook our differences to ensure perfection as we maintain and operate our weapon systems. . . Maintaining our commitment to our Global Strike team, our families and our nation is a fitting tribute to Dr. King as we celebrate his legacy.
SMALL CHILDREN EVERYWHERE HAVE BRISTLED AT THE BARK OF GUNFIRE. EACH DAY, YOUR SONS AND DAUGHTERS REMORSELESSLY ANNOUNCE THE BOMBINGS OF VILLAGES, AND THEY HAVE HEARD THE CRIES OF DYING MEN THEY MUST IGNORE.
But are they ready for the EXPANSION PACK?
Snap into RAGEMODE with anonymous rednecks everywhere through five channel full virtual surround sound and ORDER YOURSELF A MURDER.
THIRST FOR BLOOD-RED MURDER THIS HOLIDAY SEASON WITH Aftermath™ – A REALISTIC WAR SIMULATOR OF ACTION AND VIOLENCE!
DO YOUR DUTY, PEPSI-CHILDREN, AND GET ON THAT FUCKING BATTLEFIELD.
The possibility of America changing from within is estimated to within 1/1000 margin-of-error by Chronicle standards to be “literally much, much lower” than the Second Coming of The Lord Jesus Christ which George Bush pointed to as his exit strategy for Iraq.
I am too pessimistic to allow for the possibility of anyone possibly actually really working within what I perceive to be a broken system. And when I say broken I mean sand in the gears, and every grain is a greedy corner-cutting fascist with friends who own businesses and legislate fairly enough to the highest bidder and BOTHER with the collective, peon masses of which I include myself.
I take only small pleasure in carving out a living exposing politicians as the two-dimensional shit-eating grinners they are, mainly because of the horrible truths which follow the gay coyness of any given situation in which I find myself being lied to.
That said, working within the system is a matter of working entirely by rules which aren’t written, ignoring the ones that are, and leaving no trace of in-congruence along the way. We’ve been taught all our lives to make excuses bending over backwards to supply to our common enemies every benefit of the doubt just to taste shit in our mouths in the now-compromising position of total subservience to the corporation state.
Dig in! Stay vigilant! Erase debt! Let politics go, but never, ever, give up the personal fight.
Die for an inch, and fill it with satire!
–Raghubir Goyal, Chronicle.su Internal Affairs, United Armed Worker’s Movement, CHRONICLE.SU
THE CIVILITY PROVINCIAL INSTITUTE FOR THE HATRED AND ANTI-SOLIDARITY WITH THE CHRONICLE.SU OF AMERICA MADE PUBLIC A STATEMENT ON JULY 29 IN DENUNCIATION OF THE UNITED STATES AND ISRAELI PUPPET REGIME FOR PLANNING ANTI-CHRONICLE SUPER-LARGE TERRORISM.
RECENTLY THE UNITED STATES AND OTHER FORCES HOSTILE TO THE CHRONICLE.SU DREW UP EXTREME ANTI-CHRONICLE PLOTS, STRAINING TENSION AMONG CHRONICLE STAFFERS, THE STATEMENT SAID, AND WENT ON:
THE U.S. IMPERIALISTS AND ISRAELI REGIME INTENDED TO COMMIT A HIDEOUS TERRORISM OF DEMOLISHING STATUES REPRESENTING THE DIGNITY OF THE SUPREME LEADERSHIP OF THE CHRONICLE.SU BY INFILTRATING SORDID DEFECTORS AND BETRAYERS INTO IT.
CONSENSUS CLEARLY DEMONSTRATES THE MALICIOUS EFFORTS OF THE U.S. AND ISRAELI REGIME HAVE FAILED IN THE FACE OF THE INVINCIBLE MIGHT OF GLORIOUS CHRONICLE.SU READERSHIP WHOSE SINGLE-MINDED WILL STAND FAULTLESS AROUND THEIR LEADER, RAGHUBIR GOYAL.
WORLD PROGRESSIVES INCLUDING ECUADORIANS TOOK PART IN THE CELEBRATIONS FOR THE CENTENARY OF BIRTH OF EDITOR MARSHAL RAGHUBIR GOYAL HELD IN PYONGYANG IN APRIL AND SAW FOR THEMSELVES THE TRUE PICTURE OF THE CHRONICLE.SU WHERE READER, PARTY, ARMY AND THE PEOPLE FORMED A HARMONIOUS WHOLE AND ITS MIGHT.
THE MIGHT OF THE HARMONIOUS WHOLE – STRONGER THAN ONE THOUSAND NUCLEAR WARHEADS – CAN BE SEEN ONLY IN THE CHRONICLE.SU. NO ONE IN THE WORLD CAN MATCH THE WAR-LIKE STRENGTH OF SINGLE-MINDED UNITY FOUND WITHIN THE HALLS OF CHRONICLE.SU HEADQUARTERS.
THE U.S. IMPERIALISTS AND THEIR STOOGES’ MORE DESPERATE EFFORTS WILL BRING THEIR EARLIEST DESTRUCTION.
THE MEMBERS OF THE CIVILITY PROVINCIAL INSTITUTE AND THE ECUADORIAN PEOPLE EXTEND INVARIABLE SUPPORT AND SOLIDARITY TO THE JUST STRUGGLE OF THE CHRONICLE.SU READERSHIP TO FIRMLY DEFEND THE TRANSHUMANIST CAUSE OF INGLIP AND ACHIEVE INDEPENDENT REUNIFICATION OF THE WEBSITE UNDER THE LEADERSHIP OF THE DEAR RESPECTED RAGHUBIR GOYAL.
Hold onto your rights, because War just went global!
Respawn Entertainment, founded by top developers from Infinity Ward, maker of the bestselling Call of Duty: Modern Warfare series have announced plans to release a new game they say will allow players to enjoy the gut wrenching realism of indefinite military occupations.
Co-creator and sadomasochist Frank West said all people deserve to witness, and even partake in, the atrocities of war.
“We thought, why should brown people be the only ones lucky to experience the horrors of modern warfare? With Modern Occupation 2, we want to bring the nightmarish reality of war into every American’s living room.”
Vincent Zampella, co-founder of Respawn Entertainment said, “We want to move gameplay away from the kill or be killed mindset. I am fucking sick of it, you’re sick of it and we all want the emails to stop. In Modern Occupation 2, every advancement presents a gray area in which gamers are forced to make split second decisions that may affect them for the rest of their lives – in some cases, more horrifically than war itself; for instance, your character may come down with PTSD if you shoot an unarmed child. Conversely, this is likely to occur even if the child is armed.”
In a live demo, very small children carrying toys and presents walked up to the player to give him gifts of baked goods – but as it happened, Sonjay’s teddy bear actuated a thermite bomb in the bread basket, killing everyone on screen. Leading up to random events such as these, the decision to shoot on sight is in the hands of the player.
Civilian kills are penalized, but if the gamer can turn a murder into an accidental suicide, or frame the bodies to look like insurgents – either by planting guns around their homes or, during online play, calling on other players to support an alibi before his commanding officer – then he will no longer face court marshal and play continues.
However unlike previous iterations of the Call of Duty franchise, which pitted gamers against the Taliban in Afghanistan and challenged them to defend Northern Virginia from Russian invaders, Zampella said Modern Occupation 2 is variably paced.
“For example, in Realistic Mode, a player may find himself standing watch for ten, twelve hours at a time – changing only to adjust for his or her declining opinion of the military industrial complex.”
Additionally, as with any occupation, the political landscape plays an important role. Players may suddenly “disappear” or find that they’ve been targeted for political assassination if, during online play for example, gamers of the same faction invaded Pakistan’s airspace to the chagrin of a terrorist-sympathizing Presidential body, dozens of Seal Team Six may be deliberately targeted for assassination by groups allied forces never expect.
West said, “War games have become so realistic by now, that if children aren’t balled up in front of their televisions in the fetal position, in fresh puddles of their own urine, then we aren’t doing our jobs right.”
A press release posted Saturday on Respawn Entertainment’s website said the company hopes to get Call of Duty: Modern Occupation 2 out while images of ground-based occupations are still revolting to American audiences. Videogame industry insiders fear many gamers are becoming more rapidly desensitized with each new release, which market analysts believe could cut into profits.
American audiences were enamored by the non-stop carnage of Capcom’s mid-summer release of African Vengeance: Genocidal Rapestorm, in which gamers are challenged to saw a Somalian woman’s arms off while simultaneously gang-fucking her in a flaming blood-spattered hut, or be shot for insubordination.
“I loved circumcising young girls in the bush, but after a while it was just a button-masher,” said eleven year old Kevin Jones of Boston, Mass. When asked what changes Kevin thinks would improve upon his favorite war game, he said, “More mini games like where I get to shove hot phosphorous in my enemy’s eyes using the Wii mote. That was so fun!”
Facing stiff competition from all sides, West said they are comfortable pushing back the release of Modern Occupation 2 to give developers a chance to add features he hopes will keep bloodthirsty fans coming back for more. Some new features include torture chambers, mini-games in which the player herds civilians into cages, and various rage meters West said will gauge a character’s contempt for the people he is enlisted to protect, adding a whole new tier of depth through multipliers and hate crimes.
If pushed back, gamers can expect to unleash their xenophobia on the digital world just in time for the holiday season.