Final Shuttle Launch Signifies Total Apathy Toward Human Progress

Two young girls disregard the final space shuttle launch at Cape Canaveral, Fla.CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla.–The United States of America celebrated her total commitment to all-out, Earth-only war Friday following the final launch of the NASA Space Shuttle.

The launch, regarded as “obligatory, ceremonial hoo-ha” by U.S. Army General and designate Director of the CIA General Patreus, went off without a hitch.

Over 1 million spectators uninterestedly watched the final launch of America’s space shuttle program.

“Finally, I can stop pretending to give a shit about space,” said Gunther Reed, 43, who witnessed the final lift-off a few hundred yards away. Reed rolled his eyes as he casually threw up his hands when his children screamed maniacally during lift-off.

Analysts predict Americans will soon be forced to disregard entirely new facets of reality, lest they appear over-informed, and thus, un-American.

“I think now that space is out of the picture, I can safely stop caring about more pressing matters such as global economics,” said Dean Shelton, 48, a plant worker in one of America’s last operating factories, located in Canton, N.C.

Thousands of workers will be laid off after the shuttle returns to earth, and will not return to work because an American space program is “just pointless,” as American President Barack Obama had this to say:

“What are we going to do in space, anyway? Discover new worlds – ancient planets with more fossil fuels and rare-earth minerals than we know what to do with? Possibly make contact with multi-celled organisms in nearby star-systems? This, I feel, is no longer America’s role. That’s China’s problem now. A new more glorious dawn awaits. Not a sunrise, like a nuclear blast, but a galaxy-rise. A morning filled with 400 billion guns – the rising of enlisted gays. Iran, we’re comin’ for you. We gon’ find you. We gon’ find you.”

As the President’s speech descended into an auto-tuned mockery of tree-hugging Nature lovers, astronomy enthusiasts and Iranian nationalists, he referenced YouTube cat videos he favorited in the past, as well as the Rebecca Black cover-up – and even prank-called Sabu, supposed leader of LulzSec, connecting him to a three-way conference call with incumbent Leader and Guide of the Revolution of Libya Muammar Gaddafi.

Obama reportedly facilitated the purchase of five Farmhouse Bread sandwiches from the mysterious hacker and arranged an exchange in the order of millions of bitcoins for rare access to Interpol’s collection of bomb recipes and child pornography to Gaddafi in a move political analysts described as “gut-wrenching, tactless and having absolutely nothing at all to do with the space launch.”

A man waits impatiently for the space shuttle to launch
Gunther Reed, 43, waits impatiently for the final space shuttle to launch so he can get back to his buddy's place and smoke pot.

The Associated Press reported it will be at least three years – possibly five or more – before astronauts are launched again from U.S. soil. But only on the technicality that NASA’s funding is to be concentrated on turning people into projectile explosives which can be fired inconspicuously as fleshy missiles, undetectable by radar with the potential to inflict unprecedented destruction on important military targets in mainland China.

Former NASA Administrator Michael Griffin lamented the loss of America’s leadership in space. “For us to abandon that in favor of nothing is a mistake of strategic proportions,” he said.

But war is more important, which is why it has become USA’s number one export – because what impetus for space travel is there when we haven’t even poisoned Earth yet with global thermonuclear war?

“Space is for the elite,” said President Obama. “The American elite. And one fine day, we’ll take off again. The richest and the wealthiest people on Earth will someday board a glorious Generation Ship to Proxima Centauri, soon after we destroy this beautifully marbled rarity perched in the vast dark ocean of infinity. And we’ll leave your asses in the dust, conquering and destroying new worlds while you rot here, in this Hell we are creating for you each and every day, one war at a time.”

“I’m a little bit sad about it and a little bit wistful,” said Jennifer Cardwell, 38, who came with her husband, John, and two young sons from Fairhope, Ala. “I’ve grown up ignoring the space program, and now I have to find something new to stop giving a fuck about.”

The outlook is bleak, but with only war, low wages and receding global influence to think about, a random survey of Americans indicates citizens may feel obligated to double up on their reality TV shows and high fructose corn syrup products to remain as apathetic as they once were before the decline of NASA’s space shuttle program.

The next five years will see an influx of orange people with gelled hair and inferiority complexes, as well as phenomenons in the 24-hour news cycle in which viewership will become inversely proportional to the usefulness of CNN, Headline News and MSNBC.

Murderous Syrian Leader Just Wants Citizens To See Things His Way

Bashar al-Assad wishes people could afford shoes in order to know what it's like to walk a mile in his.Syria–President Bashar al-Assad told reporters Friday he feels that in spite of the crushing oppression of his dictatorial regime, the Syrian people are just not as empathetic as he would like them to be during this tumultuous time.

“I just wish those peasants could see what it’s like to be me before I order them to be mercilessly slaughtered at the hands of my death squads,” President al-Assad said.

Thousands of people have jumped on the Bashar al-Assad Hatewagon and now flow through the city streets like enraged water. “That is why it is so important that I must kill them all,” the leader said.

“How many rounds must I fire into vocalized women and dissenting children before they learn I am their best, if not only, option?” asked al-Assad.

How many rounds must I fire into vocalized women and dissenting children before they learn I am their best, if not only, option?”

-Bashar al-Assad

The troubled Syrian President said he is starting to think his people believe he has grown weak because he sends other people to do his dirty work for him.

“I even ordered my troops to shoot the troops who protested the shooting of the protesters. Is this not a sign of strength? Do I need to shoot them myself?”

Syrian state spokesperson Ahmed al-Kahardi said a new commercial paid for by The Al-Assad Campaign For Unending Control will broadcast amid damning footage of unsympathetic Syrian protesters being gunned down on the Al Jazeera news network.

The commercial is said to feature footage of the Syrian President killing dissenters with his own two gloved hands so as not to appear spineless. Assad is also reportedly seen choking a young man and crushing his windpipe on camera before he can even squeak out “Death to tyranny!”

Such strength.

What's on Bashar's playlist?

Al-Assad said he hopes to kill enough protesters to “flip the ratio of haters,” until there are so few people left in his mean, dispirited state that all who remain in existence will represent none other than a majority of pure Syrian nationalists – good-natured folks who are willing to gladly accept all the abuses and indignity his oppressive regime has to offer, and who are so sympathetic to their ruler’s cause they are willing to starve to death and pay with their lives so their non-dissenting children may eat another day.

“If only they knew what I have to go through,” said al-Assad. The leader reported back pains that develop in the sixth hour of his sometimes day-long rape sessions upon women picked up by Syrian security forces.

“Sometimes I just want to lay down after that, but I can’t,” al-Assad complained. Occasionally the beleaguered President is even required to pick up the phone to order hot meals or tell reporters and UN diplomats to “fuck off” while he continues to ravage his unforgiving, unsympathetic nation.

Stay tuned as more details unfold around the President’s delicate emotional condition.

HEY GUESS WHAT? MORE WAR!

Here’s the shit CNN won’t report

It’s not Kim Kardashian. It’s not Casey Anthony’s dead little baby. It’s not even Weiner’s dick. Nope. It’s another fucking WAR!

In April, the lying United States President Barack Obama said there are “no boots on the ground” in Libya but we reported there certainly are “shoes on the ground.” And boots. America continues its oil campaign through the desert as Obama prepares to declare war on Libya, who is currently already at war with itself.

Obama wants in on dat

Obama submitted a 34-page document to House Speaker John Boehner in support of all-out war on Libya. Lawsuits are being prepared against the administration which is currently engaged in illegal acts of war inside the oil-controlled nation of Libya, and Obama was required to justify his weird acts of war.

Many Americans will not even ask the question “Why not Syria?” where cold-blooded slayings of innocent, unarmed protesters take place as you read this – because Americans smart enough to ask that question are smart enough to know America’s role is not to spread Democracy, but to keep its own oil prices low.

The rest of the American public allow warmongering to continue because 98% of them are kept ignorant by corporate media and their own lazy, noninquisitive lifestyles; they probably just assume it’s all good in the ‘hood as long as their reality TV shows don’t exhibit signs of political polarization.

The U.S. State Department is considering lifting its ban on women in combat roles. This is likely less in the interest of women’s rights, and more because they don’t have enough meat in the field to sustain four simultaneous wars. Libya can expect a flood of women’s rights, where women will soon be found legally behind the gun pointed at your terrorist sand-nigger children.

Germany couldn’t warmonger on half the fronts we do but we’ll pull it off, because America’s number 1.

Chronicle.SU reporter Old Brutus called the CNN tipline to let them know Obama submitted to Congress what he said is a “legal basis for war” on Libya. Brutus assumed they had not yet learned of the development since they were broadcasting stories about Angelina Jolie and people having a hard time playing golf.

Old Brutus called the New York City CNN tip-line to make them aware of the news but could only speak to a machine. He left the following message:

[audio:http://chronicle.su/wp-content/uploads/message-from-old-brutus-to-cnn1.mp3|titles=Old Brutus’ message to CNN]

Then, dissatisfied and wishing to speak with a human being, Old Brutus called the Atlanta, Ga. headquarters where computers have not yet assumed oppressive control over the flow of information. In Ga. it recently became legal for women to work, so a girl answered the phone.

She said she was not aware of the President’s justification for war on Libya to Congress, and forwarded him to the same tip-line he called to reach her. While holding, Brutus quickly plugged his voice recorder back into his hyper-encrypted landline handset and recorded the following conversation:

[audio:http://chronicle.su/wp-content/uploads/tip-line1.mp3|titles=Old Brutus submits a news tip to CNN]

Elf Wax Media Ethics Analyst Billiam Falshe, who is glued constantly to CNN and supports their every move, was available for comment. Shortly before increasing the volume on his television, Falshe had this to say:

We like pretty dead babys with pretty mothers. We don’t like ugly sand-niggers blown to pieces by our political hate machine.

In the news today:

  • Someone injured during an angelina jolie visit to bumfuck nowhere
  • John Boehner plays golf “under pressure” [editor’s note: Boehner is scheduled to play golf with the President, who Boehner asked to submit a proposal for his thus-far-illegal war on Libya. *Gasp!* I wonder what they will they talk about?]
  • A new battlefront! [oh, between republicans and democrats]
  • For at least 30 minutes, Casey Anthony’s trial dominated BOTH CNN channels
  • Sarah Palin, for some reason

The Only True Conspiracy Theory

America now sees what the businessmen who financed the Tea Party intended: Dressed in powdered wigs and wearing red makeup that is actually gore, the Tea Party is shoveling babies into the ocean with pitchforks. Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton is gagging Lady Liberty with her gigantic strap-on while trying to save face by praising Al-Jazeera and Internet Freedom. Not only that, but the orchestra masters behind all this have invented some wacky ideas about 9/11 just to throw you off their trail. Why else would 9/11 theories be aired constantly on the “History” channel?

The Fascist plot for dominating America is now quite clear. The super rich have found the most extreme elements of the Republican Party and have created an Ultra-Nationalist cult promising Utopia. Their colluding counterparts on the Left have made a move to destroy the freedom of the press. They are in the midst of creating an information crisis that will be used to destroy all that is good about the internet. An overarching conspiracy by mega-rich Oligarchs who pull the strings is not just apparent, but glaringly and painfully obvious.

The Tea Party cult worships our founding fathers, mythical men who heroically wasted tea while badly costumed as Indians. They’ve been convinced by conniving liars that one day if they all work hard enough, America will still be the richest nation in the world and all the Mexicans will be gone. Well, to be fair, even the original Tea Party was a bunch of racists.

The Tea Party, these cult members, have been bused all over America to protest everything Barack Hussein Obama has done to hurt big business. The television airs the people waving signs, screaming out the trigger phrases, sending weak minds into conniptions of fear and hate followed by selfish pride and contempt. Off camera, among themselves, they foam at the mouth with racial epithets and theories about where Hussein was really born and the missing time when he secretly took his pilgrimage to Mecca.

Using this protest-propaganda hybrid, the ultra rich have planted puppets in many State Governments and are now doing loss management to help keep corporate profits increasing. The puppet Governors have created a false budget crisis. They repeat the bald lie that increasing taxes on corporations and the mega rich could only exacerbate economic problems. Such a lie is so base and ultimately pernicious that Tea Party government is in breach of its social contract. According to our founding fathers, this requires revolutionary action.

Wisconsin has denied collective bargaining rights to teachers and the Governor of Michigan has granted himself Hitler-like emergency powers to do whatever the fuck he wants. Hitler will fire elected officials and disband unions. Similar things are happening everywhere that the Tea Party has taken hold. Even the NFL is in the grips of this anti-union conspiracy.

But do not forget that this is not a conspiracy by a single party. Both the Republican and Democratic sides are being used by the mega rich Oligarchs to destroy American Liberty. Hillary Clinton uses her forked tongue to criminalize investigative journalism while praising the benefits of Internet Freedom. WikiLeaks and the script kiddies of Anonymous have been demonized by traditional left leaning media. These investigative journalists and activists of cyberspace have become too powerful too soon. The Hegemony is working on manufacturing a large enough crisis so that they can crack down and do as much damage to free speech as possible.

Obama should be the most ashamed man on the face of the Earth. Right now he is sitting in his testicle shaped office gently stroking his hard-won Nobel Peace Prize and trying to forget about all the death he owns in Afghanistan. He reminisces on when he authorized the torture of Bradley Manning in Quantico but doesn’t recall any promise to shut down Gitmo. The golden relief of Alfred Nobel stares back indifferently. By now, the world knows who made sure Obama won the prize. It’s a “nuke the world with impunity” badge. Obama is licensed to genocide.

The safeguards provided by the Constitution for the right to protest and the right to free press have been trampled upon by both the Right and the Left. They will crack down in Wisconsin and the protests will only grow exponentially. America will respond to its people like Libya did. The United States government has failed to preempt the effect of the internet and are now forced into a reactionary stance that is bound to fail.The Tea Party will be buried under the throngs of true protesters demanding liberty instead of politics. They will elect no more tyrants. Information will outlive Bradley Manning and Julian Assange.

America will renew its social contract with government by force if necessary!

Koyaanisqatsi


This is a movie I have just finished watching. I suggest you do too. Well, with a title as it is given, meaning ‘life out of balance’. I don’t think the images of technology and especially war and industry are meant to be positive aspects of our present time frame. You can read all kinds of things all over the place but in the end it is you and the choices you make that give meaning and make the difference. With that being said

I say this project clearly shows the destructive and disruptive effects of our present technological and cultural relation to our environment. We have gotten to the point where we are building OURSELVES around technology, rather than the purpose of technology, to be built around OUR needs. Another point I think is that war has evolved. It isn’t just hack and slash, it isn’t shoot a few canon balls to weaken, and control our enemies. We just want all of them DEAD. We build warhead, atom bombs, etc to incinerate everything pertaining to our enemy. In this process of ‘Total Destruction’ War we find we are not just killing our enemies, but the world.

To build these weapons, and carry out these wars we drain every available resource for weapons and transport, not just oil. Tungsten, Uranium, and Iron are only a few resources being drained at a rapid rate. What happens when they DO run out. The whole war scene goes into total chaos, like a Henry Rollins concert. You think the Iraqi war is bad, because of the minuscule amounts of oil we are trying to obtain? What if Oil is completely gone? Any strong, stable country will target weaker countries with oil reserves to fuel their other conquests. The governments will do ANYTHING to obtain what they need. You think the Jewish genocide was bad in WWII? This will be the biggest Genocide of all time. It will be HUMAN genocide. BILLIONS would be killed in the conquests, with little to no fight. What happens after the weak countries are gone? The strong ones fight each other. This is the where the REAL nuclear war begins. The remaining humans will fight one another for these resources. It will be utter chaos!

THAT may just be the conspiracy theorist in me talking, but lets talk about a MUCH more real danger.

The Destruction of Technology.

I know there will be an asshole out there to be Captain obvious saying, “Technology is any advancement”. Yes I know. In this instance I am referring to modern technology.

We use the new technology for everything, checking the weather to helping in self erotic satisfaction. But it has become one with humans. It controls the banking system, communication, airplane charting. What if all of it just… Disappeared? What would happen to the human race. This is a hard thought it fathom. What COULD we do? The world would go back to the days of the late 1800’s. We’d lose telephones, computers, television, and if this is due to lack of resources, automobiles. The world would go into a state of Anarchy. It would allow easy murder, theft, rape, and since none of us are aware of HOW to solve these problems without technology it would ALL go unchecked. I’m not saying HOW this destruction of Tech would happen, because I don’t know how it could. It’s a possibility though. Energy rations, recurring black outs, Damage in the (Already decaying) power grid. All it needs is a push off the edge. Increased solar flare activity, for example.

What would it mean for the world if that happened? The resource War or the technology destruction would make a big impact. This is MY view, this is for YOU to decide what would happen to our world.

Peace, Love, and Black Power

-LP

New Video Game Subverts Morality

Currently, the Coke Fiend team is working on a new MMORPG that promises to make cocaine less exciting and more addictive.

Los Angeles, Calif.- Coke Fiend 3, the hotly-anticipated sequel to Coke Fiend 2, is set to hit store shelves November 12 and fans are in a drug-fueled uproar over their own inability to pace their emotions in time with the release date.

As part of a violent new trend, fans unable to wait for the release of Coke Fiend 3 have taken matters into their own shaky hands. Several video game dealers were shot or held hostage when crazed gunmen stormed Gamestops nationwide, only to find it is not yet in stock. Pre-released copies of Coke Fiend 3 are being traded on the black market for up to $500 per copy. Some offers go as high as $1,000 for “uncut” copies of the game.

An Ice World

Coke Fiend 3 is the latest installment in the Coke Fiend series and features state-of-the-art next-generation graphics and online gameplay. Players find themselves plunged into a world of glorified violence in which the only frame of success are cocaine abuse and gang violence. Your character’s tolerance and ever-increasing demand for cocaine combines the elements of an open-ended RPG with those of Grand Theft Auto.

The game’s pacing, however, is what sets Coke Fiend 3 apart from all other videogames. The player starts out with a score in the upper-right hand corner, and underneath that, his money supply and drug supply figures are tallied. He also has assets which provide a bonus to the point system, such as a boathouse and prostitution ring, previously acquired near the end of Coke Fiend 2. But as his coke habit progresses, the score is gradually obscured by the edge of the screen, and is eventually pushed out completely, becoming irrelevant. As well, your assets become inaccessible through neglect and are eventually phased out completely, and forgotten amidst a haze of cocaine abuse, which sometimes spills over into real life with “great results,” according to one anonymous gamer.

Brian Whitaker, American game reviewer for Electronic Gaming Monthly, told Soviet Chronicle the immersive feel of Coke Fiend 3 is what makes this title the “most ungodly ecstatic” game for console systems to date. He added, “It’s better than God, friends, or sex with a child prostitute, which you can now do in Coke Fiend 3.”

Coke Fiend 3
This is the first Coke Fiend to feature a secret spousal abuse mini-game.

Game designers stress the realism of the Coke Fiend series. “You can’t get totally fucked up on your own supply, or you’ll never make a profit,” explains Chris Dapriciola, executive at Coke Fiend Productions.  However, borrowing elements of the popular XBOX-exclusive Fable series, players can choose the “dark side,” which in this case, is to descend into the world of crack abuse if they make too many Coke related mistakes.

For instance, when facing what at first seems like an overwhelming number of bad guys, your player can abuse up to his entire on-hand supply of cocaine all at once, and go on Scarface-style rampages, where he will temporarily gain a bottomless pain tolerance and enjoy slowed-down, sharpened murderous rages, killing his assailants with the relative ease of a Jedi Knight – on cocaine.

Controversy

You gotta take her out
Some critics have argued that media tends to glamorize the use of drugs.

It is for this reason critics say that Coke Fiend glamorizes drug abuse, and point specifically to “Coked Out Mode” as a culprit in youth addiction. Game designers have countered that the newly-added Coke Rage feature leaves the character in a self-hating daze where no amount of cocaine will trigger super powers for “at least 30 seconds.”

Additionally, any damage taken during this time is compounded by latent methadone addiction because in Coke Fiend 3, there are no doctors. “Healing” is achieved through further drug use fostered by street dealers and the pharmaceutical industry, to whom your character is known to have seedy connections that unfold with the storyline.

Look for Coke Fiend 3 on store shelves Friday, or if you are among the impatient masses reading this because you scour the internet like a vacuum cleaner that must insufflate every last word of Coke Fiend news, then you’ve probably already gotten the cracked .exe from bit torrents and are in some kind of gamed-out stupor from which not even Coke Fiend 3 can absolve you, so your only choice now is to read about it here.

Well done.

miley-cyrus-lapdance-video

Falls Church, Va.–Miley Cyrus bares all in her latest music video “I’m Becoming Brittany Spears” known for its catchy chorus, “You’ll see it even after you close eyes.”

I can’t find shit on Google Trends. What people Google is so uninteresting to me. It’s football scores – oh, and Miley Cyrus CAUGHT ON CAMERA DIGGING DISNEY PANTIES FROM ITCHY, DIRTY BUTTHOLE.

It demonstrates there isn’t much on people’s minds, at least not all at the same time. Regardless, the internet has the potential to both undo and multiply the advances of mankind, but for now, people are still using it to masturbate with. What a weird event it would be if all at once, Google was spammed with massive amounts of messages from humanity’s own collective unconscious!

HOT TRENDS INCLUDE:

  1. jailbait videos of my inner child
  2. 1
  3. 0
  4. “did you feel that?”
  5. yes this is really happening

HOT TOPICS:

  1. all time irrelevant, miley cyrus pronounced “child forever”
  2. nothing is real, except this message
  3. mainstream media not so mainstream once contrasted with galactic plane
  4. america finally satisfies its problems with war
  5. carl sagan auto tuned

Glorified beastly disaster upstairs, in the kitchen. I think it was a pot of chili but flames engulfed the stove and eventually the curtains. Nobody cares.

Pollution crept in through the floorboards this morning and we celebrated its hallucinogenic properties over a game of chess, followed by extensive blackouts.

All this, over Roseanne playing in the other room. The show was better during the original time, when the Brauny paper towel commercials ran, and at a normal volume too. We agreed that we are officially insane and conceded to lunacy, only to realize we were still in control enough to shoot guns, so we went outside. What happened next is anybody’s guess, and we lost the clip.

Later I ran outside and threw apples at a cow. It stood lazily, apples bouncing off its hollow-sounding noggin, its fat ass so content to eat them. At this, I laughed so hard I could barely stand to throw apples, which incited yet more laughter. I thought, “This must be how Hindus feel.”

And science shows that is in fact how they feel, thanks to a newly patended device by the Russian government that alters the weather patterns over Siberia as well as picking up the quantum vibrations of subtle human intent. Emotion-monitors are set to be installed on all new Segways to prevent their owner and designer from riding one over a cliff, however sources indicate there may be no way to tell if the devices will actually work, given that the Segway owner has already driven off a cliff and died on his Segway.

Tomorrow, the dawn of the nuclear apocalypse is rising and Americans have not even begun to dig any 1950s throwback bomb shelter graves, according to satellite surveillance photographs of their yards; while others appear to pray for death on an hourly basis.

Lebal Drocer Executive Jim Gray, PhD[izzle] converted his truck to a bio-diesel economy car, and later into a carbomb, inviting employees to a company picnic to have their own vehicles turned into bombs. He said the picnic bomb derby provides an opportunity for parents to engage their children.

He noted father-son activity research centers would likely see a healthy spike before sharply declining following a staunch lack of fathers and sons.

“Son, now I know your mother doesn’t want you playing with suicide devices until you’re older, but…be a man.”

Terrorism is to America what Miley Cyrus is to the adult world. A fading threat, and more of a reason to pull out than stay in at this point. One month and eleven days from now, Miley Cyrus turns 18. Until then, combat troops are still stationed in Afghanistan, South Korea, operating in Pakistan, and in some cases Sub-Saharan Africa, and the former Soviet Union.

Oh shit, I’m tripping hard. Read over this again, and take notes on why you’re wrong.

VOTING DOES NOT MATTER

A vote for the president is a vote wastedI don’t understand why people still vote.

Who honestly believes the president will do what he says and as a result goes in to punch his ticket?

Based on their track record of failing to keep promises, you would think logic dictates that, “If a presidential candidate says he will pull our troops out of [insert ongoing foreign war here], but extends their tours of duty once in office, then shouldn’t I vote for the guy who says he wants war forever, because that is what I don’t want, and it’s what he is promising?”

Shit. I think I just figured out how I’m going to vote in 2012. That is, if I vote, which I won’t, because voting is for tools.

YOU HEARD IT AT ELF WAX: VOTING IS FOR TOOLS.

Because when you vote, you become a tool of the state, not of Democracy; and not a strong, useful tool but something more like a bullshit-absorbent sponge that when squeezed, produces a vote for whatever filth you retain. When they teach you that “the system works” by showing how when the majority votes on a candidate, or an issue, laws and policies change, it matches superficial cause-and-effect logic, but the side effects are neither seen nor tested. The system works, sure, but not for you, me, or the American people, or the people of the world. The system you legitimize through the practice of voting (or not) serves only the rich and privileged who ensure the elite maintain power.

This includes statesmen, conglomerations, corporate America, and people you’ll never know exist who orchestrate conflict-of-interest nightmare deals between government agencies and massive, reality-altering corporations. The end result is a sort of reverse-socialism where our decisions are made for us not by the government as Corporate News might have you fear, but by corporate interests themselves. The government is virtually powerless when one considers the proto-oligarchy of Wal-Mart, Google, Lockheed-Martin, the pharmaceutical industry and petroleum companies whose leadership is not comprised only of Americans but extends to all countries, including America’s enemies, in a trend called globalization. They vaguely touch upon this in high schools but due to an increase in difficult questions have shaved this discussion back dramatically.

So when people vote, and the faces change around – and new portraits are slapped up on the television screen, I know nobody’s surprised that the end result is the same, but they still complain like it’s that individual’s fault. The modern President is no more a leader today than Rush Limbaugh. That’s why he goes on shows like The View and talks to women. The illusion of power comes with his presence. But the truly powerful, any thinking man knows, live and die in the shadows. And tell Bush, Clinton, Bush, Obama, Sarah Palin, and General Patreus what to do.

So why do people vote? What I thought was funny in a tragic sort of way is how massive numbers of people came out to vote in the 2008 election. It was based on hope, or perhaps to ‘shake things up’ if they voted for Obama and old-fashioned common sense if you voted for McCain – that is, until Sarah Palin miracled his penis erect long enough to coerce the Vice President slot out of him with sex. And then everybody knew better. But now Americans are probably learning the sad truth about how neither Hope nor ideology can overcome the gauntlet of constituency and special interest groups a president is faced with during his first week in office.

“You can’t change that fucking policy! And you’ll owe me billions, if you do! Also, I guess you like having Michelle and the kids alive, right? I like ya, Barack. You shoot a straight line. So don’t fuck me here. Go out and flash that toothy grin of yours and get me paid before I put your balls on the shelf next to Kennedy’s skull fragment, motherfucker.”

So…ignorance, I have concluded, is why people vote. And yet, because they vote, they consider themselves to be informed, as if it takes knowledge or a certain degree of intellectual prowess to vote. Hardest part is overcoming the distrust of a voting machine, these days. These things can be programmed to get Proxima Centaurians elected. I think dogs make just as good voters, what with their gut instincts and all that. And people’s guts probably said, “Go with Obama. At least he’s smart and seems well-intentioned.” However, no amount of good intentions can erase the cold hard fact that we are at war with our own inflationary military industrial complex, to feed the need for War, and for oil to propagate the American Way – even though we’re still shooting at the brown people. We were on our way to war on the New Pipeline and people were screaming “bring the troops home.” It’s eerily quiet and suddenly Obama announced pulling combat troops out of Iraq and leaving an infrastructural force. But, the people were told to expect our troops to come home based on an empty promise, so falling in with the narrative, he provided that. Enjoy your Kandahar Province push, American citizens. Because it’s happening. We got troops preparing to pipe oil in from places you don’t dare imagine during your drive-time commute, and you call yourselves good Americans because you vote. What are you voting to receive? The sticker on your shirt? “I voted!” Checkmark. Get fucked.

Nowadays, we vote with our dollars. Stop spending money on pharmaceutical agents and you’ll see marijuana legalized. You’ll see LSD testing start back up to truly cure the depressed and mentally sick so you don’t have to watch your loved ones lurch around like doped up zombie shells to the beat of the pilltray. Vote against war by protesting en masse at the gas station. Let ’em collapse. Nothing’s too big to fail, except the human race and the war machine will ensure that happens, on a long-enough time frame. Information is on the horizon that will destroy the need for current needs and probably your way of life. Get ready, voters. 38 liars just a month away. Another chance to feel good about yourselves. Another chance to respect these people because they’re good at putting money together and flashing a smile on TV. Another chance to destroy the human race, one action – or inaction – at a time; it makes no difference.

When Families Grieve – A Very Special PBS Special

Why is my daddy dead? And who is this man?
Why is my daddy dead? And who is this man?

Anytown, USA–Elmo and his muppet friends are coming on PBS tonight at 8 pm, along with Katie Couric, who is best remembered for disguising her live colonoscopy on NBC’s Today Show as investigative journalism.

In tonight’s program, Elmo and Katie Couric (also a puppet) help very young people come to grips with death by accepting it as a never-ending facet of reality. The program is sponsored by Lockheed-Martin, the world’s largest manufacturer of war machines, and industry leaders of death.

Elmo and Katie will tell stupid people how to explain government-assisted death to children, as well as coping with sadness, fear and anger – but in such a way that does not necessarily challenge the status quo. For example, one should always fear terrorists, Elmo says, but not Father dying after being sent to fight them. As well, feelings of anger should never be allowed to crystallize into rage, because this is known to lead to convictions – and, later in life – anti-government attitudes.

The adorably dangerous Elmo is seen here friendly-fire-bombing American troops to help demonstrate actual loss, and how death can strike anywhere at any time, even “unintended” targets like children at an Afghan wedding.

Elmo helps families grieve
Elmo helps families grieve

Of course, the above image is photoshopped. The burning corpse you see in Elmo’s imagination used to be a family man “in real life,” but now he is a hero. Elmo is a well-known and respected Patriot. And he helps families grieve.

BY GIVING THEM SOMETHING TO GRIEVE ABOUT.

That’s right, he really is firebombing your loved ones! This is because Sesame Street hates America and has systematically undermined her power-hungry, Emperial nature from the very beginning by propagating messages of non-violence and “understanding,” contradicting our actions overseas, and making us look weak before China and Mother Russia, outspoken violence advocates.

“At this point,” explained Admiral Mullen of the United States Army, “they may as well sabotage our new F22 Raptors, which if you’ll look behind me are– what the fuck? ELMO, NO!

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PROTEST IN D.C.

HAMAS GATHERS IN FRONT OF THE WHITE HOUSE
HAMAS GATHERS IN FRONT OF THE WHITE HOUSE
TYLER BASS of The Elf Wax Times Live Reporting Team is at the anti-war protest rally in Washington, D.C. Here we are in front of the White House, where the march began. The protesters are currently marching from LaFayette to 16th. These pictures are extremely high-resolution. They are in descending order starting at the top and going down (sorry we were in a hurry).an absurd caricature of a hippie
An absurd caricature of a hippie.
tyler bass: anti-war march on Washington, D.C. March 20, 2010
tyler bass: anti-war march on Washington, D.C. March 20, 2010

Imperial March music plays in the background. It is rumored that Hamas has infiltrated the protest group and plans to bring down Democracy from the inside out. This is why the Public Works Department is fining the ANSWER Coalition into the ground.

tyler bass: protesters en route to Halliburton
tyler bass: protesters en route to Halliburton
thousands of people march down the street
thousands of people march down the street
at the park?
A drum circle settles the angry crowds.
big sign bigger buildings
this guy with the "kill the bill" sign was a Ron Paul supporter, and a 9/11 Truther who believes the World Trade Center was rigged with explosives and fell due to a controlled explosion and not the airplanes crashing into buildings

On the WTC, our reporter asked this man, who is a Ron Paul supporter and a 9/11 Truth Movement…advocate-guy, “Ron Paul said he doesn’t believe there were bombs in the World Trade Center.”

He responded, “[He has] to say that because he’s a politician.”

To which we asked, “Why are you going to vote for someone who’s just gonna lie to get elected?”

protest march

indict bush now

2
The Islamic holocaust.

134

11
Indict the previous president for what's happening now. It's all his fault.

10

if you look closely, you can see Al Qaeda
if you look closely, you can see Al Qaeda

Roughly five or six thousand people attended the protest rally to march.

A few people were arrested or detained. Earlier in the day, a group of people belonging to Iraq Veterans Against War (IVAW) tried to put down a mud stencil on the sidewalk. The police got mad about it and cited a statute under D.C. law that you can’t put out a mud stencil. Protesters were no longer allowed near that area.

Wayne Brauer and Matthieux Chiraux were detained. Cindy Sheehan was arrested for who knows how many times in a row. She’s planning to camp somewhere, too.

Nader showed up but would not speak to reporters. At least not Elf Wax reporters.

Ramsey Clark, Saddam Hussein’s attorney was present but also would not speak to us.