Trolled Into Exile: The Histrionic Death Rattles of Andrew Aurenheimer

weev hateZAGREB — Weev, the internet troll Andrew Aurenheimer, wrenches his mouth open with both hands: He’s got big things to say. Nothin’ really comes out but the smell of gluten free gut rot — his digestive system is on display: a moebius clump knotted around an impossible constipation so extreme it’s a wonder he can talk at all, for he drank his own poison.

“Wh…. White Genocide,” the words spill out, gravel-ass liquid incanting the magic cleansing violence, the echo of the prison around him. Orange eyes bug out pulsing, his head swivels, scans.

Deep in his chest something erupts and bubbles, loosening what might be shit into the dessicated assholes of the world’s most infamous hate mongers. Bitcoin brokers cum black shit from their mouths. Rapid fire wobble interludes and ,”The Internet will be Free. Information is freedom,” a beautiful, sing-song drone. Weev, once famous for hacking AT&T, pops into IRC to compulsively utter the words, “White power,” and recedes again into madness.

When his financial backers learned Weev was a swastika-tattooed’ anti-semite, they withdrew faster than your wife’s boyfriend, blowing their load instead all over the small of his back, a parting gift from the neolibertarian Bitcoin futurists, who wouldn’t be caught dead giving money to such an old-world ideological mutant. After the investments dried up, and the hate fund against which Mr. Weev hedged his bets dematerialized, he sped off to Lebanon. There, he joined ISIS and now works for them as a sleeper agent, traveling through conflict zones in eastern Europe, recruiting and plotting actual terrorism. Fans leaked a photo of his ISIS tattoo, proving him to be an actual ISIS agent.

Weev leaned over to his contact in ISIS, winking, “When I’m in the synagogue firing shots, I want Son of a Gun by KMFDM playing.” The jihadist was unimpressed.

Apt Pupil

“Yeah I taught her to troll, and it was the biggest mistake of my life. We’re losing the culture war because of it — because of her.” Weev later appeared on VH1’s behind the trolling series, where friends noted Weev’s turn from comedic Nazism to actual Nazism after an egregious court ruling forced him into years of membership in the Aryan Nation. Weev exhorted, “The original Nazis knew Arabs were a subset of the Aryan race, and the fascism at ISIS is the kind of thing I’d like to bring to Aryans in the United States. There’s just too much to learn from ISIS.”

Corrective Genetic Hegemony

“I travel through the Balkans fucking women of all races just so that my genes will proliferate more,” Andrew Aurenheimer said on the Dr. Phil television program.

“I especially like the gypsies because they think my swastika is funny.” It was his first television appearance after returning to the United States from a paranoid self-imposed exile.

Weev paced up and down the stage, stroking an imaginary dick while Dr. Phil said, “We get it, we get it. Security, get this despicable troll out of here. I don’t wanna talk to him. He’s hopeless, and he deserves to wind up in prison.”

His mother took the focus and, before a sympathetic audience, explained the heartbreak of loving an invalid. She stared into the camera with a tear in her eye.

“The truth is everyone we know already knows we have a mentally ill child. We have made no secret of Andrew,” she said. “We too are victims of Andrew. The hardest part for all of us is that he used to be normal. I think he is so crazy now that he might be convinced that martians are ruining his life, not Jews. He’s nuts.”

Dr. Phil nods and says, “play the footage.” Andrew Aurenheimer is shown ranting into his laptop. “Lebal Drocer really is motherfucking aliens. I fucking knew it god dammit.” He stands, breaking the laptop over his knee.

“See, Dr. Phil, this is what I’m talking about,” Mrs. Aurenheimer says. “Several years ago he developed a relationship with a girl with a serious drug problem. He began by using xtc regularly and eventually graduated to LSD and heroin. About three years ago he had a mental breakdown and began hearing voices and talking to himself. He vanished from our lives.”

With eyes on the woman, Dr. Phil nods his head. “That is truly heartbreaking indeed. Thank you for sharing that with me and our audience.” Phil’s eyes return to the camera. “Up next on our cybercrime special, teenage girls are impregnating themselves using semen purchased on the Silk Road. You don’t want to miss what their fathers have to say. Stay with us, we’ll be right back.”

Laying It All Bare

Weev laid nude in the streets on the fateful day of the Charleston shooting, his erection pointed at the heavens while scraping his disproportionally small purple cockhead with his fingernails and moaned, singing Neil Diamond

“White Genocide – bah bah bah, never felt so good, so good!”

He writhed in the parking lot of a black church, small fires burning the pavement as he blew his load on a confederate flag. “Heritage! HAHA! Get it? The joke is it’s NOT funny!”

Many readers liked weev until they learned his anti-semitism and racism were real, after incorrectly attributing his behavior to the raw, satirical baselessness long recognized as a central feature of 4chan culture: offensiveness for offensiveness’ sake.

“The reason you don’t like it now,” weev explains, “is because you identified with my hate, and my philosophy tricked you to reflect on how you also hate niggers, and the Jews.”

Weev backed into his glass construction of hate, down on all fours like a cornered animal, his ears folded back, ready to strike out at any minute. Very threatening. He hissed:

“Arabs have many countries of their own with no white people in them. Same with niggers. No white women to rape or white men to steal from.” Weev scraped the gunk from his ballsack and took a long whiff of his fingertip before jamming it deeply into his nose. He fisted his asshole and screamed. “Demographic declines, miscegnation, GENOCIDE! MY RACE CANNOT ENDURE GENOCIDE AND SLAVERY! GET IT???? AHAHAHHA.”

His Ironic Legacy

Weev’s followers hacked the infrastructure of the US government and usurped all controls, declaring Weev CyberKing of America.

By merely denying services to localities he negotiates changes in the policy of the US government. “My first order as CyberKing is to perpetrate a Cyber 9/11 on the Jews of New York City!” And the electricity in New York City went out for a week. Twenty thousand died from the heat while Weev poked at his laptop and poked at his harem of seventeen Syrian pre-pubescent wives captured by his friends at ISIS.

“Even if there are many false stories told of Weev it is true that he is working with both the terrorist group Da3sh, The Aryan Nation, as well as the Russian kleptocracy. Weev funds his lifestyle as an exile through private contracting in social media propaganda strategy.”

Fifty-thousand feet above a smart bomb detached from a Chronicle.su Global Hawk drone and began tracking Weev’s laptop. Edvard Munch Biella Coleman has her hands on her face, situated in a pastel scene depicting the moment of impact, the nexus of terrorism, internet freedom movements, and the USA. A diesel slick that was formerly Barrett Brown spreads across the water. Weev is Anonymous. We are all Anonymous.

Trolled Into Exile: The Histrionic Death Rattles of Andrew Aurenheimer is part 3 in a multi-part series of biopics called Project Persona Management.

Barrett Brown expresses support for Weev fundraising effort

Barrett Brown called the chronicle.su to express his enthusiasm for Weev's fundraising campaign.
Barrett Brown called the chronicle.su to express his enthusiasm for Weev’s fundraising campaign.

With limited access to Internet, Barrett Brown still gets the news, albeit a little slowly.

“I think what Weev is working toward is really good,” Brown said from his mobile prison cell, an advanced diesel therapy treatment facility. “I saw him on my delayed TV report and I have to say I am proud of him. He’s doing important work and I hope his financial backers fulfill the hedge fund he’s setting up for himself, so he can take care of us all.”

Brown, a pretty good old boy himself, has written hilarious storie for The Onion we have never seen, and boring tirades everyone has seen for Vanity Fair and Vice.

Brown, a passionate blogger at The Internet Chronicle, left the following statement to supporters in his mother’s dishwasher:

Hello, I’m Texas reporter Barrett Brown, and I prefer TerrorMax to AnataBloc any day. It helps me think and raises my awareness. We should look into [TerrorMax].

Barrett “Barry” Brown, Project Persona MGMT

Brown said Weev’s tireless efforts, as well as the consistent and quality work put out by Rachel Haywire, are critical to his personal success and the success and profitability of his entire organization, entitled Project PM.

Brown’s continuing relevance rests squarely on the shoulders of heroes like chronicle.su journalists kilgoar, hatesec, asshurtmacfags and Presstorm alumni.

“Your basic summernazis are part of the socialist threat of the Obama administration and his bottomless thirst for white souls,” Barry passionately dictated from his mobile prison cell. “I have faith in Weev’s ability to contain this threat and use his new money to show people we’re not just a bunch of nazis looking for a keyhole to inject hate into the information security narrative. Like I said, I get my news about 9 months later than everyone else but I really think this is going to pan out. I think Rand Paul has a chance.”

John Stoltenberg: “Andrew ‘@rabite’ Auernheimer Only Kidding; No Racist, Sexist”

John StoltenbergMuch ado has been made persecuting compassionate and considerate member of the online family Andrew Auernheimer, a playful jokester who has brought delight to the faces of millions of Internet users. Monocultural chauvinists in federal law enforcement have run wild with accusations of “computer fraud,” while confused fellow “leftists” like Raw Story Editor Emeritus Ron Brynaert have smeared Andrew with vile accusations of sexism and near-genocidal racism. All of these accusations are the exact opposite of all of Andrew Auernheimer’s opinions.

I have worked throughout my life not only for the cause of LGBTQIA rights (or QLIBTGA — there need not be any order!) but for the welfare of individuals on barest public subsistence. To me, the Stonewall Riots seem like they were only yesterday, even though my parents birthed me right as the New Deal gave hope for the first time to masses of retired individuals. I can tell you with complete certainty that the loveable Mr. Auernheimer has no predilections against people of color, against sex workers, or anyone in the greater Semitic family. By citing with pseudo-pride his European heritage, Andrew is only ironically referring us to that continent’s relatively generous and effective social safety nets.

With a wink and a smile, Andrew’s latest blog post is letting us all know that he is with us in the Great Fight against Ignorance, and that by pretending to be some sort of brown-eyed, ginger Nazi he is with us on the picket lines for the long haul. He starts off with his usual tongue-in-cheek smirk:

Several people asked if I’d go see “The Hobbit” with them. I declined in a rather cruel fashion.

See? There he goes again, letting us know explicitly that his tone is cruel. While normally I’d decline to agree with the heartless, hard-nosed associates of Forbes magazine, their take on Andrew’s humor as being intentional and sarcastic in its offensiveness is right on.

Calm down, Time’s Philip Elmer-DeWitt. Old Andrew knows the score. He’ll be with us — next to our engineer sisters with signs — the next time former Harvard President Lawrence Summers tries to tell women they’re stupid, obsequious domestic playthings.

Andrew has done as much to promote multiculturalism as Auburn University’s own Alan Gribben, when the latter published the Adventures of Huckleberry Finn NewSouth Edition, effectively cleansing the book of its pro-white, pro-death code words.

Before taking us into his snarky, actually anti-Nazi diatribe against Hollywood’s latest money-grubbing snatch into theatergoers’ pockets, Andrew claims to be for some sort of unrealistically self-sufficient Nordic life ethic. Then — and this is the really brilliant part — the satirist comes out against barest government provision for working families. To this end, he cites the original end to J. R. R. Tolkien’s The Return of the King.

In Tolkien’s version, the hobbits of the fellowship return to the Shire only to see it taken over by a snide old wizard controlling a horde of half-orcs. The hobbits do the only sensible thing that one would do when finding ones hometown infested by section 8 housing full of parasitic thugs, rapists and murderers: start a pogrom.

Did you see that? By playing on pop culture stereotypes of African-Americans as mindless killing, force-copulating machines, Andrew has held the Stormfront set slime up to the disinfectant of sunshine. Usually those Christian Identity losers are just able to keep to reinforcing each other somewhere in flyover country, or via their teledildonic message board activity.

Let me give you another example: The Tortoise and the Hare. I’m sure you were read it as a child. It always seemed to me to be an idiotic story to encourage people to slave away endlessly for a statistically impossible hope that they are somehow getting ahead.

When I finally read the real story, I knew hundreds of millions of children were being robbed.

Europe rose to power with children being read the Brothers Grimm classic, “The Hare and the Hedgehog.”

If my decades-long “Mirror Has Two Faces” marriage to acclaimed fellow feminist Andrea Dworkin taught me anything, it was how to use literary analysis to determine within seconds which males of white, Protestant descent were bigots. Through his brilliant satire — daresay his innumerable contributions to the computing community, for which he has been endlessly persecuted by our government — blessed Andrew is his generation’s Bayard Rustin, Harvey Milk and Larry Kramer, all rolled into one!

The Tortoise and the Hare actually outdates the 19th century Grimm brothers tale by thousands of years. The former tale’s place in the foundation of Old Europe, which And-and calls “the most precious thing that I hold within me,” is actually far deeper. Andrew knows well that the Tortoise story’s Greek origins place it at the crossroads of democracy’s very founding. While the Grimm tale is meant to encourage young men to put women in “their place” and to marry women who look as much like them as possible, modern anthropological biologists and Andrew understand that intelligence quotients tend to be higher in the offspring of interracial couplings. This neo-Puck has extended his hand across from the hilltops of Appalachia straight to his brothers, sisters and intersex individuals at the tippitiest-top of the ivory tower.

His wink comes when he cites the story of Prometheus, who like Aesop’s tortoise is of Greek origin. Therein Andrew’s mission to open our eyes and hearts to the plights of LGBTQIA individuals and those of color blossoms into full view. “Promethian flame is being replaced with politically corrected filth,” he writes.

So it’s with a palm to my chin, and a high-cheeked grin that I call off the misguided, if well-meaning, attack dogs at the Southern Poverty Law Center, Human Rights Campaign and Anti-Defamation League who have unfairly maligned Andrew Auernheimer. My friends, you owe him an apology. Were my lifelong friend Andrea alive, I’m sure she would wholeheartedly agree. God bless.