Elf Wax Times: Demographic Research

PLEASE IGNORE THIS MESSAGE FROM OUR SPONSOR:

Afkin
My only regret is that I did not hold CTRL+V any longer

okay that’s more like it.

this fucking thing doesn’t work but every so often when it wants to. okay, folks the elf wax times software is breaking down, like our minds. Would you like a new layout? There’s shit we can’t tell you about this site – horrible vulnerabilities that would bottom this piece of shit out if only you knew how to exploit them. But you don’t because you’re a n00b!

It’s becoming harder to manage, and easier to fuck up. Some of the links have stopped working for reasons we don’t care to fix. I don’t care, do you care? Nobody cares. That’s because you’re the kind of fans who would rather jerk your wrinked-up little cocks to Miley Montana than post a comment. And that’s cool.

But what I’m really disturbed to see is that fewer of you are finding The Elf Wax Times by way of “Miley fucks her father” through our good friends at google, better known as the world’s most efficient child pornography torrent finder dot com.

So for the last time (lol jk), we have offered you a beacon of sex googling where the real joke is on your own erection. So be it. You laughed, didn’t you?

Waynesville, N.C.–Good God, what have we created? Readers discover the humor found in this site the same way I discovered adult humor myself, as a small child.

I was a five year old boy, hanging out in the garage, “working” on cars with my Papaw. More like eating caramels in front of a heater on an old ripped-up carseat, but you get what I’m saying. Anyway, he was busy working on something and I got tired of drawing Model Ts and Model As (if ya know what I mean) so I started digging around through some boxes that turned out to belong to my uncle Randy. Man. I hope one day I get to write a book about THAT guy. He’s really something.

Anyway, I find these old porno mags, you know Playboy and whatever else, but there was also Hustler – where the bitches are laid out all spread-eagle spreading their pink so you can practice being a gynecologist in the privacy of your own bathroom. “Holy shit!” I thought. “This is what they have been hiding from me all these years.” I ran with the books to my bedroom, then into my bathroom and touched my weiner to the pages, thinking this is what sex was (it was not as satisfying as I’d hoped), as I took note of a woman able to lick her own genitalia. After numerous failed attempts to do the same, I just sort of continued to rub my weiner all over the pages, because that felt best out of anything. WHAT? I mean, I didn’t know how to jerk off, what was I supposed to do?

In my quest to discover which page felt best rubbed against my weiner, I was fascinated to discover a comic, drawn inside a circle like that failure of a comic you might mistakenly hope to be entertaining and read every couple of years called “The Family Circus.” And what a family this was! It was a girl sucking what the caption would have me believe was her brother’s dick on the front porch while their father stood in the open doorway, pointing her like a dog toward the back of the trailer and yelling a vowel that looked like “eggs.”

“This is what girls are for,” I thought, and stopped rubbing my junk all over the pages. I took immediate comfort in knowing I had used the magazine incorrectly, and that my uncle probably hadn’t pressed his junk against this magazine at all. But in this moment a new realization hits me. What DID hit the pages?

So, I want to know, is that how you guys feel after reading The Elf Wax Times?

Yes, we can acknowledge The Elf Wax Times is just a dick joke you didn’t hope to find while searching for the glory hole nearest you.

actual elf wax related searches include:

1. sexting
2. carl sagan weed
3. sexting pics
4. elf wax

Yes, elf wax is fourth.

5. lesbians

rofl

6-10 are variants on elf wax times, and many others are either not so funny or repetitive..

15. blowojob party
16. butt hole
19. daughter fucks dad
20. elf fuck
21. elf rape
22. glory holes in virginia
25. miley cyrus sexting
26. my daughters a whore
27. nc blowjob law

which, interestingly enough, can be found on elf wax times

28. nick jonas sexting

(he is rumored to have sexted w/ miley cyrus which means it really happened and must exist on the internet somewhere, google)

30. roanoke va whores

and so on. there are hundreds upon hundreds of these, so here are some of our favorites:

Miley Cyrus Upskirts For All.

Billy Rape Cyrus joins callgirl daughter for on-stage duet about the dangers of sexting.

Los Angeles, Calif.–Billy Ray said sexting between family members is not considered incest and proposed the idea of legalizing child porn. He said it would “aid in the promotion” of his daughter’s newly famous crotch shots that got that guy in a lot of trouble.
Miley Cyrus gave the go ahead on sales of the photo when she realized she could no longer get by on her jailbait status alone.
Stay tuned for more details on the rapid decline of the Cyrus family country music sex dynasty as November 23 approaches.

miley cyrus upskirt gives hope to whores
miley cyrus goes on the record to demonstrate the awesome dangers of sexting, and of growing up with a pimp for a daddy, who himself is a whore
billy-ray-cyrus-hate
HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE

FUCK YOU

Fuck you is the name of this document.

If a solar flare hit the earth right now, scorching everything and everyone instantly – if I had the time, I would look to the sky and thank God for smoking this human virus.

It is directed at YOU.

You will not control my fucking thoughts any longer. You will not touch me. You will not know me.

I just sat in PISS. And I don’t give a fuck! Actually sitting in piss right now beats the hell out of what I have been doing for the last two and a half years.

so the reason we live is the reason we die and the reason we die is because there’s no better answer.

and the reason you cry is the reason you lie and you’re a socialite egomaniacal emotional cancer.

and the reasons for the sky is blue and all that you knew that grew and spew forth like volcanic disease

is to please your man, please him so well that you knew nothing more than his love you abused on his knees.

oh yeah you’re a worthless whore that knew nothing more than the blasted motherfucker who took you away

from your own inner pain for a short term gain of about a thousand micrometers of your soul’s dilution, per se.

Motherfucker can’t you see what you’re doing to me can’t you be what you claimed as natural as the grass and the trees.

The problem with having sex with strangers is that you don’t give a shit about their kids.

“Oh, you have kids? Fuck your kids.” Unlike normal kids, you learn to HATE the kids who belong to your pussy.

I fucked this broad who had kids and I was so god damn wasted that I thought, ‘FUCK THE CHILDREN’ – I was fucking wasted, but instead of tripping over her childrens’ toys in the dark, what did I do? I KICKED THAT SHIT OUT OF MY WAY because I’m better than your fucking accidents!

The President of the United States of America

I know this guy was fucking some broad with kids and the kid came in and slapped him on the ass while they were fucking. Kid didn’t know any better. My guy didn’t care. Nobody gave a fuck! That’s how inconsequential a kid really is. Kids are useless. So stop having them.

I am better than you, your mom, your worthless coke-sucking daddy and your child support checks from McDonald’s whose worth I shit into a toilet every day and wipe my ass with!

“What’s this child support all over my asshole? I better wipe more.”

Fuck is the best word ever. It’s better than your children’s father, it’s better than you, it’s better than Christmas.

Do you want to fuck?

Are you fucking kidding me?

Well some fucking body’s gotta fuck you, who’s the fuck?

Fuck that guy!

Retarded people is who I’m talking about. Retarded people are better than you, better than you wasting your fucking time, wasting mine, wasting our money and efforts. Do you know what alcohol even does to you? Motherfucker, you’re going to get cancer and die, just like all of us. We’re all gonna die! DONT’ YOU FUCKING GET THAT!? WE ARE ALL GOIGN TO DIE~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SO FUCK IT! GET FUCKED, FUCK EACH OTHER, TAKE SOME PILLS – EAT SOME FUCKING ACID, GET YOUR MIND OPEN – TEAR IT THE FUCK OPEN!!!!! YOU ARE NOT WORTH A BOTTLE OF SHIT, JUST EAT A HIT OF ANGELDUST, KILL A POLICE OFFICER AND FUCKING ROT IN PRISON FOR YEARS, AND PRAY THAT YOU SOON HAVE THE STRENGTH TO KILL YOURSELF, AND THEN FUCKING DIE IN PRISON! WRITE BOOKS ABOUT HATE AND FEAR AND RAGE AND PAIN IF THAT’S WHAT YOU WANT, BUT THEN YOU HAVE TO FUCKING KILL YOUR FUCKING SELF BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT WORTH THE WEIGHT OF THE ROPE THAT HANGS YOU. SO GO AHEAD AND USE YOUR BELT.

And when you are standing there, with the belt around your neck, hanging from the rafters – prison cells shouldn’t have rafters, but this one does – and you’re thinking about all the reasons you’re about to end your life, even though “there’s no reason to end a life,” and you happen to think about this sentence of torn logic, between necessity, fate, self-loathing, regret, self-destruction, shitting your pants when you die, and all the good you can do for humanity, even after you’ve raped, killed a cop, smoked pure PCP to the dome on top of a head full of liquored-up acid, then turned around and taught inner-city kids how to read because you’re a god damn superhero; just remember – Elf Wax Times don’t give a fuck about you, your ambitions, your dreams, or your inner peace or your god damn adventurous spirit, the fact you ran down old people in your car, married a whore, and now you’re single and got nothing, nobody to turn to, a family that hates you and friends who don’t know you – just remember – this one thing, before you hang yourself like the scum-sucking worm that you are. remember this: you are nothing.

FUCK YOU. Hang yourself. Do it, you miserable piece of shit. Nobody wants you.

Nobody needs you.

The world is better off without you. In fact, if there’s a quicker way to die than hanging yourself, DO IT. Got a gun? Excellent. Use it, pussy bitch. Point that motherfucker straight into your temple and pull the trigger – or don’t you have a pair of balls worth fuckign with? Don’t you have shit but a gun? Then pretend like that gun is a dick and SUCK A BULLET THROUGH IT. PULL THE FUCKING TRIGGER ‘CAUSE NOBODY WANTS YOU. NOBODY NEEDS YOU. SPEND A BULLET, SAVE A DOLLAR, AND SAVE THE FUCKING WORLD. YOU ARE A VIRUS.

——-===========———

This has been brought to you by our sponsor: FUCK YOU, BITCH.

=======another hit later===========

(12:43:41 AM) fellinlovewithtwilight: What?
(12:43:44 AM) judasaddiction: Yeah
(12:43:45 AM) judasaddiction: I know
(12:44:50 AM) fellinlovewithtwilight: What are you talking about
(12:46:53 AM) fellinlovewithtwilight: ??
(12:47:06 AM) judasaddiction: I am talking about murdering somebody. You want to help me?
(12:48:24 AM) fellinlovewithtwilight: Hm I think I’ll pass
(12:49:44 AM) fellinlovewithtwilight: Who you gonna murder?
(12:50:02 AM) judasaddiction: I am murdering the general publis
(12:50:02 AM) judasaddiction: c]
(12:50:03 AM) judasaddiction: fa
(12:50:03 AM) judasaddiction: sf
(12:50:03 AM) judasaddiction: asdjf
(12:50:03 AM) judasaddiction: adsfads
(12:50:04 AM) judasaddiction: f’hiukjhkfyuck
(12:51:03 AM) fellinlovewithtwilight: Hm ok
(12:52:00 AM) fellinlovewithtwilight: Your scarring me
(12:51:53 AM) judasaddiction: good.
(12:51:58 AM) judasaddiction: you should be scared
(12:52:01 AM) judasaddiction: because I’m an evil motherfucker
(12:53:06 AM) fellinlovewithtwilight: Ok hm I think
(12:53:11 AM) fellinlovewithtwilight: I should go bye
(12:53:03 AM) judasaddiction: I think you should, too. Because you’re a wuss
(12:53:08 AM) judasaddiction: Get fucked and die
(12:53:58 AM) fellinlovewithtwilight: Yea bye
(12:53:52 AM) judasaddiction: crylight
(12:54:37 AM) fellinlovewithtwilight: Fuck off

=-=–=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

fuck that bitch.

-=-=-==–=-=-==–=

The world is a god damn lie. Existence is a fabrication. You are worthless. Your town, its artifacts, its people – all meaningless.

This Earth was created neither for you nor me nor God. We are all equally shit. We are all God. God is shit.

You are not going to win. There is no losing, but somehow you’ve found a way to come out on the bottom. You are scum. You believe in God’s miracle. You are a Christian, a Muslim, a fucking animal that simply can’t evolve to save its own dick.

=–=-=-=-==-=-=-

YOU WILL BE EVOLVED OUT. Because like religion, you are no longer relevant.

-=-=-==–=-==

FUCK RELIGION

FUCK YOUR RELIGION
TO RELIGION: FUCK YOU

asdf

adf

asdf

asdf

you are not worth the weight of this hard-on.

Before you judge me, why don’t you take a look at your fucking self…?

The Elf Wax Times Boasts Monumental Success

The Elf Wax TimesWASHINGTON, DC, UTAH–The Elf Wax Times announced today its 1,000th reader in just one week. Executive Editor, Steve Grabowski, said The Elf Wax Times has been spammed with Google Image results almost exclusively under the keywords ‘Miley Cyrus sexting.’ An army of 4chan porn addicts, unable to get off to anything that isn’t a sext message, have been in search of “moar” Miley Cyrus “n00dz” and have found Miley’s infamous sexting image located within our scathing commentary on sexting among America’s youth.

“The Elf Wax Times spiked 500 hits last night alone due to a mix-up around nude photographs Miley sexted out to Nick Jonas,” Grabowski said.

Nick Jonas is reported to sport a so-called “purity cockring” in an image he sexted in response to Miley’s now infamous, but typical, “tease” sext. According to an employee at Verizon’s sext message monitoring headquarters, the rumors are true, but Miley Cyrus sends out these kinds of texts all the time to her family members. “Especially the father.”

“Glory holes in Roanoke, VA” is also turning up “mad results” according to a recent Google Analytics poll, and more users find themselves reading the Times than ever before, when they meant to find elven pornography or how-to guides for waxing a pussy. “People and their cats,” commented Grabowski, with a shake of the head.

It’s a well-known fact that if God intended for cats to be naked and pink, he would have birthed them that way, or burned a few with solar flares. But God works in mysterious ways, sometimes neglecting facts altogether, as one Elf Wax Times reader found out the hard way.

“I was searching for Jesus,” he said with a pause, and trailed off, unable to finish the sentence.

Miley Cyrus Sexts The World
The sext heard 'round the world

But even inadvertent Elf Wax Timers are converting to full-time readers, according to some contrived interpretation of a combination of anecdotal results. For instance, one reader who searched “whore lithium weed” happened to dig 11 pages deep into the Times. Looks like somebody found what they came for!

The entire Elf Wax staff could not be reached immediately, and the office voicemail redirected to a vacation response from Easter which connected reporters to a full mailbox in which no message could be left or returned.

Elf Wax staff writer Cold Hard Truth was not immediately available for comment, but wrote an email to the editor saying, “I once had a job installing cable for the cable company. One time I had to go in ‘their kid’s room.’ There was this big nine-foot retard standing behind me in the corner, the whole time, breathing real hard and real loud – and just staring at me, watching my every move. Just staring, and breathing, stopping only once to piss himself and scream. I imagine having a big nine-foot-retard with jaundice could come in handy at times. But not when you need cable installed. That freaked me out. Do you think hermaphrodites, like true hermaphrodites, could get themselves pregnant? And like, clone themselves?”

His email response went on like this for another two pages attached to a .avi file of Japanese piss bukkake, and was completely irrelevant to the questions reporters asked.

All attempts to reach Wayne were futile, as a Spanish-speaking woman answered his publicly-listed phone number demanding cocaine in exchange for a beheading she’d performed just moments earlier. An ape was heard howling in the background, believed by sources to be owned by Wayne himself, or traded on the black market, again, for drugs or possibly even “sexual favors” according to the woman when asked about the noise. “He do lots of thing.”

Steve Grabowski said the Elf Wax Times is growing at up to 100 percent on good days, and as low as “90 percent on a slow day.”

“Mostly,” he added, “People just plain don’t know how to search for porn, and they wind up here. But we gladly welcome you. Sick, twisted fucking perverts are the backbone of The Elf Wax Times.”

And so are you. Thanks, dear readers. Keep refreshing the Elf Wax Times for the latest news on things that happened a few days ago. Also, be the first to get to Elf Wax Times by Googling ‘marijuana’ and win a free trip to an  F.B.I. holding facility!

The Elf Wax Times has no relation to the ELF, an eco-terror group which has claimed responsibility for several recent terror attacks. We hate the environment.

Your daughter's a whore, and not even the good kind

Your daughter
Your daughter

You sick fucks. Stop coming here. Elf Wax Times doesn’t need you.

You dress up your daughters like little Tijuanan whores. Let them wear makeup. Tiny shorts. They’re twelve years old for god’s sake. Grow a pair and be a dad, you disgusting fuck, and stop pimping out your child. She doesn’t need to lose her virginity before she’s 13. Or did you already take it, because you’re just that fucked up?

Maybe in a way you did, because you didn’t give her any rules, any love, any direction, or any discipline or motivation to be anything besides fucked, because you yourself lack the cognisant ability to provide even a small child with the stability and love necessary to keep her from going to bed with the first guy who promises to make her a woman, because you couldn’t take care of her as a little girl.

Your little girl wants to grow up faster than she can ditch My Littlest Pony for Hannah Montana for a pregnancy test. And it’s all your fault, Dad. Instead of pissing in her panties and sniffing them at 4 AM, maybe you could have been telling her how to keep them on. Or keep her hymen, or your respect. But instead you just jerk off to internet porn and fantasize about fucking her little friends and you’re a bit too rough as you tuck her in at night. And you don’t read her one god damn story about a bitch running for president, or inventing laser technology.

You make me fucking sick. You sick fucks. I know what you’re thinking. “Who is this prick to call it like he sees it?” I’m me. And you’re worthless parent number 3271407498357.

You know the score. I shouldn’t have to be the referee, but here I am. Telling you that I see you walking right behind your slutty tween daughter when you come in to where I work every week. And each time I ask myself, who bought her the clothes? Who never slapped her to the floor and said, “Don’t be a little slut Janie!” Who never thought twice about the way the crumbs hit the table as he ate his thousandth meal in front of an awkward table of people he calls family?

Your kids are your fucking pets. So why don’t you lock them in a dark basement for 24 hours and let them know that you’re in fucking charge, that you buy their clothes, and that you think Miley Cyrus, that little slut that Billy Ray Cyrus pimps out to the cameras, is a whore who sucks off Mickey Mouse and sells sex to minors with lipstick, blush, and a show that is neither funny nor intelligent?

Oh, I will tell you why. Because your wife knows you actually think about fucking your daughter when you’re huffing away on top of her, stinking of cigarettes and panting your rotten booze-breath down her resistant nostrils, just trying to close your eyes and pretend you aren’t really fucking a fat-ass soccer man. Because she knows you didn’t get that promotion. Because your boss knows you’re a creep. Because your boss has seen your daughter and also secretly jerks it while thinking about fucking her, too, because you dress her up like a little Disnified Harlot servicing the Magic Kingdom. “Rent the ‘Tiniest Princess,’ honey. We love that one, don’t we?” But mainly because you are a crummy parent, and you’ve failed your child, if not yourself.

The only time you spend with your warped daughter she doesn’t even know about, because it all takes place in your delusional mind via rationalization for your shortcomings as a pseudo-parent.

You’re a sick fuck who lets her dress the way all the boys want her to dress, and you would rather believe she’s going to a sleepover at little Suzy’s and staying there instead of actually facing the reality in the back of your mind in which she’s at the park losing her virginity to a nineteen-year-old with a motorcycle on the swingset you never pushed her on.

Get your shit straight, American Dads. Or The Elf Wax Times will start phoning your homes. We have your information – your phone numbers, addresses, social security numbers. Driver’s licenses, credit cards. We have the means, we have the motive. We have the sense of self-righteousness that sets us apart from regular human beings, that makes us better than you. And we aren’t afraid to use it. Now close your fucking browser, delete your cookies, erase your history, and forget you read this. We don’t want you reading another page of this shit because you aren’t fucking good enough, motherfucker. Eat shit and die. I hate you. We hate you. We hate your family. We hate your friends. We hate the house you live in and the Mercedes you drive – you fucking Nazi. We hate the valley you poison. We hate the tradition you spread, of ignorance and television, and of slutty daughters and of forged integrity and false systems of values and morals and definitions of what is right and wrong. We hate you.