The Internet Chronicle brings you the hard truths that cowardly mainstream media can’t report on. Our offices are in desperate need of Faraday shielding, and our writers have been dropping off from mysterious radiation poisoning. Kevlar undergarments to protect us from polonium pellets are expensive and we have web hosting to pay.
Our “advertising agency” ran scripts which injected our office computers with ransomware and the cost to remove it is tremendous, but although we expose their malware-ridden ads to over 2 million visitors a year, we can no longer expect the minimum of $50 a month it requires to keep us online, leaving us playing desperate banjo music in the streets to gather enough change to buy a Cheesy Western.
We are offering premium advertising space at incredibly low monthly rates. Our audience consists of some of the hippest and most forward thinking minds in technology as well as some of the stupidest people to have ever touched a computer — our ads are perfect for any business looking to build their brand into a monopolistic behemoth.
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$25 — At this price bracket, the ad will balloon to a tremendous 300 x 300, a proud and unmistakable imprint on the minds of gullible millions.
$50 — Any bold sponsor who covers our entire monthly hosting fee is entitled to a banner ad that will sprawl across the glorious Internet Chronicle, injecting a form of near total control over global mass consciousness.
$250,000,000 — A one time payment of a quarter of a billion dollars will enslave our souls to your agenda for all time. When you funnel your bad joke ideas to us, we’ll laugh as if they’re funny and then force them upon the world until everyone else is laughing too. We will no longer publish any of our own story ideas, and in fact our output will dwindle to a mere trickle of propaganda to suit your business interests.
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Bitcoin payments and donations are handled by your one-stop shop for global consciousness influence: The Internet Chronicle Bitcoin Exchange. Send payments here:
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