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Edward Snowden Dead at 38

INTERNET — Fans mourn the loss of Edward Snowden, the NSA whistleblower who fled his post in Hawaii after revealing the facts of pervasive surveillance of American Citizens.

Snowden was found dead from a cardiac arrest in his apartment outside of Kursk. He is survived by his wife, Lindsay, and his son Vladimir. Snowden had no previous history of heart disease.

Snowden attorney Ben Wisner said, “Team Snowden is investigating the possibility of assassination, but even the basic fact of whether this heinous presumed killing was organized by Russia, China, the United States, or some joint task force remains to be seen. We’re checking all possibilities.”

Among Snowden’s most famous revelations included details of the radio array known as HAARP, which is employed for stealth assassinations of enemies of the United States, including Michael Hastings. Snowden also notably disclosed documents revealing the threat of hostile UAPs, years before this story was featured on Joe Rogan’s podcast, as well as Monsanto’s use of chemtrailing to destroy competing crop genomes.

Expert in international cybersecurity, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador of the institute of Global HATE, said, “Team Snowden are a bunch of paranoid LARPers. I’m pretty sure, just shootin’ from the hip here, that Dog the Bounty Hunter finally got to him, after all these years. They say you can’t get away from The Dog.”

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The police are your friends, put here to do wonderful things to you

WHAMBAM, T.Y. Maam–A woman was treated with the utmost care and respect the other day, when law-abiding officers of the law grabbed a hold of her for yelling too loud near a strip mall.

Another woman had already come by and given her a cigarette, and was standing nearby when two officers approached.

“The Dollar General called and they said you’ve been out here hooting, and hollering and carrying on,” WBPD Deputy S. Lampig explained. “You been doing any drugs today?”

According to the only witness on the scene, the woman who gave her a cigarette, she said Mike “Big Boy” Traylor grabbed the unnamed woman, an older broad in her 60s, and was absolutely manhandling her.

“He jerked her up off the pavement by the arm, and he was shaking her around,” she said, now smoking the woman’s cigarette. “He was cussing her out, too. He said, ‘You get your effin ass in that car before I bust your gd brains out.’ I said you ought not treat that old woman like that. I said, ‘What if that was your mom?'”

He said, “Well, she’s not,” slammed his door, and drove away.

I threw my mom into the back of a police car. Witnesses complained, so then i publicly denied she was my mom. she said “my own son, a law officer, denying his own mother, and carting her off in a squad car.”

 

i looked at her in the rearview, and i said “your not my mom”

Garbled nonsense feeds into Officer Traylor's earpiece
Garbled nonsense is fed into Officer Traylor’s earpiece, who is just a great guy serving his community

Big Boy wrote a statement for the media big dogs at Internet Chronicle, printed it out, and sent it by mail like it’s still 1957. Get the fire hoses!

This message is brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer, Inc. Creators of the Thin Blue Line Accessory Pack, on sale now at participating Harbor Freights, Tractor Supply and Walmart.

Get some liberty, and justice for all.

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Meet twitch streamer FeedJared, the world’s fattest man

INTERNET — They say the camera can add ten pounds, but Twitch Partner FeedJared has given new meaning to the old adage. The wide angle lens in FeedJared’s cam, necessary for capturing his ever-expanding body shrinks his hands and feet, lending the streamer a worm-like screen presence similar to Jabba the Hutt. He laughs often, smiling at a cascading chat flush with food emojis and eggplants of encouragement.
FeedJared accepts tips only in food deliveries, and consequently has arranged bookshelves to each side of his bed to contain it all within easy reach. These shelves are stocked with food by Amazon employees, who are seen constantly filing in and out of the room as the daily stream goes on, sometimes for up to 16 hours.
The unofficial FeedJared subreddit says Jared has reinvested his income into a cloud of surveillance drones, each equipped with powerful spotlights and cameras, to capture every crevice of his record-breaking growth in stunning 4K.
By 1,500 lbs, FeedJared became the heaviest man to have ever lived. Now at one ton, he has become a historical anomaly.
“I could not have done it alone,” FeedJared slurred, as a stagehand plugged a twinkie into his open mouth. Damage to his arteries and blood vessels in the brain have rendered him weak, and paralyzed on one side. “I could not have gothn here without my friendth in chat in their generothity.”
The novelty Twitter account TwitchFeedsJared, organizes fans to coordinate Jareds diet for maximum weight gain, and is largely responsible for the rapid gain of the latest 500 pounds through a strategic program of sweet cakes, beef ribeyes, and whole sticks of butter.
FeederJT, owner of TwitchFeedsJared, said, “We’re a community of people who are held together by our common love for feeding Jared. We just want him to be happy, and it is just a bonus for us when he thanks us by name as he eats the various food items that we select for him. We’re part of something really special, here.”
At a recent hospital visit, Jared broke the Guinness World Record for largest bowel movement for a human, and the picture of a nurse carrying the massive 38 lb fece went viral on social media, which brought him an equally huge influx of support, tipping his overall weight to over one ton.
During his glow-up announcement on TikTok, a nurse wearing tan scrubs is seen in the background, hurtling soiled towels into a laundry cart to the tune of Rod Stewart’s “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy?” She sees the camera, and quickly moves out of frame.
Jared beckons at her, his hand gripping a turkey thigh, grease flicking off of the deep fried bird.
“I would like to thank my nurth,” Jared blurted out, after swallowing a fistful of peanut butter. “She keepin’ my blood sugar low, my spirits high, oh — and she cleans my butt.”
“Darlita, pleathe come show yourthelf on thtream.”
To which Darlita is heard replying from the background, “No, senor, mi familia esta muy enferma de COVID-19.”
FeedJared turns back to the camera.
“Women!” he exclaims. “Can’t live with ’em. Can’t live without ’em.”
Doctors for FeedJared have given him weeks to live, but fans are confident he will continue to smash records.
“I think it’s just the beginning for Jared,” FeederJT writes, “With support like this he can hit two tons, maybe three tons. Nothing like this has ever happened before in all of history. We have the technology to do anything.”