INTERNET — Fans mourn the loss of Hillary Rodham Clinton, who served as First Lady to the 42nd President and was confirmed to be dead in October, at 73 years old.
At this year’s Comet Pizza 9/11 Anniversary, attended by high ranking Elites in the Democratic Party, an already visibly-ill Hillary Clinton was struck dead after a wild, animal-like devouring of thousands of pineal glands, some harvested from “Indigo Children,” whose glands are much richer in Adrenochrome.
Following a proper military funeral, including a 21-gun salute, Mrs. Clinton’s body was dumped into the Marianas Trench from the deck of the USS Jimmy Carter, a Seawolf Class Fast-Attack Nuclear Submarine.
Although confidential sources were able to pass along news of the event, media blackout and government cover–ups continue, as Hillary is set to appear in the media for years to come through the extensive apparatus of black ops CGI, AI deepfakes, and plastic surgery impersonationists.
Hillary’s high-profile death quickly overshadowed the death of her daughter, who was “iced” by hitmen sent by Ghislane Maxwell and the estate of Jefferey Epstein.
According to a witness close to the family in the 90s, Clinton Patriarch President Bill Clinton was “well aware” of what was going on with Chelsea and Epstein. In fact he encouraged it and has expressed no regrets, going so far as to fondly recall his wife’s fanciful techniques for devouring the “soul center” of a child’s brain.
“Hillary was always the life of the party. She’d throw those pineal glands up in the air and catch ’em in her mouth, like an ol’ gator,” President Clinton told a shocked group of funeral attendees aboard the USS Jimmy Carter, composed mostly of military officials who kept close watch.
Sheriff Miles Hanks of Kingston Oklahoma, and Chairman of the 3% Oathkeepers, held a press release, issuing an ultimatum to the Federal Government, where he revealed a massive mural, filling the entirety of the Kingston County High School gym.
There he explained how the painting, entitled The Last Supper, featured the cherubic faces of all 10,000 children whose pineal glands were reportedly devoured by Hillary in her final sitting. Miles described unveiling the art as “a burden lifted” after carrying this information for so long, able only to subtly share it among passersby in town, on patrol, or shopping around yard sales.
“What was supposed to be only an ingredient,” Miles said, “became the main course in a sadistic ritual the likes of which haven’t been seen since the ‘good old days’ of Comet Pizza. She buried her face in a bowl of pineal glands – the source of a child’s soul – and had such a time, she whipped her head around back and forth, with her tongue out, in ecstasy. She motorboated them.”
In light of what he has called “heavy knowledge,” Miles said the Adrenochrome harvest in Kingston is over.
“I’ve been talking to a lot of Sheriffs on Facebook around the nation,” he said.“We’re going to take extraordinary steps to protect the children of our counties and stop this sick practice of the elites.”
Sheriff Hanks paused. He looked at the audience before him and, holding his thumb and forefinger one hair apart, he said, “We’re this close to the storm. Secession across the nation, county by county. If all the patriotic counties and sheriffs reject both the corrupt state and federal governments, there’s nothing they can do.”
Hillary’s part in the Clinton Foundation has been dissolved. Assets and liquidity are going to the restoration of a majestic temple located in the Virgin Islands (U.S.).
No further information is available at whitehouse.gov. This is the news mainstream media doesn’t want you to read.
DHAKA, Bangladesh — Atop a smelly pit, where tired women toil within dangerous textile machinery, armed foremen in mirror-visored helmets patrol a catwalk, overlooking the commotion and mire. All are contracted by the equally faceless conglomerate Lebal Drocer International.
It is a normal Wednesday on the South Asian Padma Delta, which fell under corporate control at the height of the pandemic this summer. Now, more than ever, workers are endangered as the rigid, socially conservative, and brutally enforced edicts of Lebal Drocer threaten to choke the region.
Enabled by the supremacy of corporate philosophy, physical and sexual abuse in Lebal Drocer properties runs rampant, ranging from bamboo canings in Bangladeshi clothing factories, to cutting off hands, and inappropriate goosing among executive officers.
In an about-face of policy, however, the company’s CEO and spokesman, Raleigh Sakers, said during a book-signing tour that he aims to eradicate the corporal punishment of international slaves under his control by the year 2024.
Raleigh T. Sakers
A face for the faceless
“I guess it was white boy summer, after all.”
“We like to create a culture that keeps people healthy and safe,” Sakers said, “so managers often work in uncomfortably close quarters with their slaves.”
Sakers says the poor are there to be used and, if needed, abused in the pursuit of his own murky ambitions.
“I still think of them as peons, even today,” Sakers said, “because they’re the people I pee on. Pretty easy to remember.”
Meanwhile, in America
It’s no quadruple venti latte back home, either. Workers are forced to wear diapers to keep up with robots, the robots are setting drinks on our nice hardwood furniture, and podcasts do not last an entire work day.
Although emerging political leaders like Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez support unionizing as a solution to corporate tyranny, and left-wing publications like Jacobin promote it, the abundance of material effort required to unionize has been placed on the backs of the tired, underpaid, and presently consumed laborers currently “employed” by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
Bhaskar Sunkara is the founding editor and publisher of Jacobin. While avoiding eye contact with Internet Chronicle in the otherwise empty office overlooking Dumbo, Sunkara said the left works hard, but maybe not hard enough to preserve their right to work.
“They were at work when we came up with the idea,” Sunkara said, “but we thought it would be great if they stood up to their tyrannical bosses and unionized.”
Dismissing several iPhone notifications, Sunkara looked up for a moment.
“Hey…could you tell them for me?”
There has been no word yet as to how Lebal Drocer plans to implement anti-whipping measures in overseas factories, but sources inside the company say they have issued new guidelines restricting the misuse of the cat-o-nine-tails, washing mouths out with soap, and the word tarnation.
You wanna cook a Michelin Star meal? Get with the program, numbnuts, and get Dr. Troubador’s Clickbait Recipe Book: The bullshit that gaurantees your plates will be trending in minutes.
Here’s a simple menu you may try out, one night, when you’re wanting to burn through some cash in order to draw in some clicks.
For a starter, try Troubador’s Michelin Star Sous Vide Wagyu Smashburger sliders, doused with Japanese Hentai Sauce and topped with specially homemade $2,000 American Style Cheese, using only the finest imported Parmiagiano Reggiano.
No slider is complete without Michelin Star Chopped Onions. You just chop them up small as fuck. Chop those fuckers so small you might as well use a food processor. Just wait until your fans see them melting away to nothing inside of the pan. That’s Michelin Star winning small onions, right there.
Tease your guests, and your followers, with Bacon-wrapped Wagyu Chicken Poppers served with Ghost Pepper Ranch dipping sauce. It’s the Wagyu of Chicken, with bacon. And it’s so spicy, it’ll leave them begging for more. Anything more.
For a hip and refreshing deconstruction of postmodern haute dining trends see if you can slurp down some Fermented Lucky Charms Pasta served in a Wagyu Sausage Sauce made by a reduction of our special brew. First, a primary beer is made with 20 year aged Smack-Em’s Cereal, then doubled brewed with a peat-roasted Count Chocula mash, and finally dry-hopped with $10,000 worth of a Sativa-Indica Hybrid that was rated so well by High Times magazine, they couldn’t even remember the strain’s name. This dish is Chef Troubador’s favorite, and it will get you High as Fuck while you’re imagining that you’re eating the food of Gods.
There’s almost no way to follow up an entree such as that, unless you’re Chef Troubador. By using one secret and hilarious trick, you might fix up Michelin Star Fried Browned Butter, itself fried in clarified butter, and glazed in a Manuka honey butter sauce. It’s also known as the Triple James Beard Award Winning Butter Blast, and it goes great a la mode.
“Vegemite Ice Cream doesn’t sound good,” the haters in the comments will say, as you own them by creating something they couldn’t even imagine. This recipe cuts through the salt and flavor with a heaping portion of liquor. Using a $2000 jug of original Popcorn Sutton moonshine, a jar of vegemite, raw milk, and fermented “1,000 year old eggs” you will be shocked to see a thick and appealing custard set instantly, and then freeze into a smooth and edible ice cream in seconds with the magic of molecular gastronomy and liquid oxygen. Science youtubers and millions of slobs gawking at their phones will at once stand at attention, saluting the power of your Flaming Michelin Star Vegemite Ice Cream as it burns and freezes at the same time.