axisflip

X-37B Spaceplane met with cold distrust after 780-day mission away from actual responsibilities

WASHINGTON — The Air Force quickly put out a joint Sunday, after the Boeing X-37B spaceplane made an unexpected return in the middle of the night, to the Kennedy Space Center in Florida. The predawn landing woke the family dog, set off a smoke alarm, and confused two small children belonging to the spaceplane and Secretary of the Air Force Barbara Barrett.

Unlike the International Space Station, the unmanned X-37B spaceplane is not dependent on people for success or survival. It is a cold, scientific, rambling plane.
Unlike the International Space Station, the unmanned X-37B spaceplane is not dependent on people for success or survival. It is a cold, scientific, rambling plane.

The warm reception, if brief, was colored by revelry the likes of which only 780 days apart can elicit. Following a loving embrace, Barrett noticed the unmistakable stench of alcohol on the breath of the unmanned science vessel.

Barrett said she pulled back instinctively, noticing that the plane was burned, tinted and charred, as if it had been involved in secret space meetings, perhaps in some smoky space bar with mustachioed aliens. Her imagination was running wild.

Barrett’s heart burned with hot jealousy, as her imagination ran wild over unspeakable possibilities.

“With a successful landing today, the X-37B completed its longest flight to date and successfully completed all mission objectives, assuming those objectives were to worry me, tarnish my trust, and lead our children to believe their spaceplane abandoned us,” Barrett said. “This mission successfully hosted Air Force Research Laboratory experiments, among global spying, as well as providing what I assume was a ride for a few small satellites, which the X-37B assures me were strictly professional.”

Barrett confided in her peers, probing for answers to her most pressing concerns. The spaceplane, she told Air Force Commander John Majors, seems distant and withdrawn, somehow different from how it left.

“What was it doing up there for 780 days?” asked Air Force commander John Majors. “It didn’t call. It didn’t text. Two years went by. Now it’s back? I am not saying anything one way or the other. I’d just want to know where it’s been.”

The mysterious and exotic real doctor Angstrom H. Troubadour, involved in secret projects around government black sites like Area 51 S4, at Papoose Lake, covered for the spaceplane, which he said was merely dropping off those hot little satellites with the tight asses, for business purposes only.

dr troubadour
Real Doctor

“The X-37B spaceplane was on a top secret mission away from his wife, where he dropped off hot, upcoming satellites that hang behind foreign communications satellite, hoovering up every packet of data transmitted between Earth and the miserable scum on the surface below.”

–Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, researcher and wingman

BREAKING: SPACEPLANE DATA LEAKED

“I’ve been on a 780-day mission, conducting top secret science experiments that literally can’t be done on Earth, and I gotta come home to this? It doesn’t make sense, I’ve been busting my ass.” said the Boeing X-37B. “You know, it is weird, though. Because now that I think about it, I thought I saw some receipts from Lockheed-Martin in our trashcan by the dresser.”

This message is brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer, Inc. We'll never hurt you.
This message is brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer, Inc. We’ll never hurt you or go behind your backs, again.

President Trump shoots “Human Scum” Mitt Romney DEAD on fifth avenue

President Donald Trump graced Fifth Avenue Thursday for the greatly anticipated shooting of “Human Scum” Mitt Romney. In a glamorous gold lamais suit encrusted with diamonds and holstering a beautiful damascened Confederate revolver once owned by Robert E. Lee, the president stoked the bloodthirsty crowd for the world’s first televised duel, “They’re worse than Dems, these Never Trumpers! You know what we used to do, what we’re going to do today?” The masses erupted in screams, like beatlemania.

Senator Romney arrived to the duel unarmed, handcuffed and somber, as his entire family watched on, shamed by the meaningless and honorless death at the hands of the Great and Wise Genius Donald Trump.

Post-duel polls showed that former Never-Trumpers were powerfully moved by the display of noble violence to near unanimous support for the President, finally eliminating the threat of “Dems” and their phony attempt to exercise their Fake Constitutional powers of impeachment.

After the fantastic duel, Trump pointed at the cameras, calling out Rap God Eminem, “You’re Next, Eminem. I heard what you said about My Ivanka, and MY police will bring you to Fifth Avenue next week, for another episode of Duels with the President.”

Television Critics hailed this shooting as the greatest moment on television. Neil Breitbart said, “Never before has a President dealt so handily with Human Scum!” Television ratings scales were readjusted to handle the massive numbers raked in by the premiere of Duels with the President, and Fox executives are in talks with Trump for a trillion dollar deal for next season, which may be filmed at Mar-A-Lago at taxpayer expense.

Fans speculate that in the ten-episode season this fall Trump will execute Chuck Schumer and other political enemies, leading up to a public lynching of Hillary Clinton or possibly Bernie Sanders.

Lebal Drocer, Inc. defends autonomous riot control robots: “Our killbots were just following orders.”

UNPAID MESSAGE from LEBAL DROCER, INC.

It has come to our attention the Automatic Crowd Dispersal Computers [ACDC Gen. 2] by Lebal Drocer, deployed throughout sensitive regions around the world, have malfunctioned, resulting in the unfortunate loss of privilege-enhanced human life.

Our killbots were designed within very specific parameters, and were designed not to kill people who matter. Our top of the line killbots, using racial recognition technology, were designed to eliminate undesirables based on factors pulled from a database, like income, status, and social media behaviors. These are not your deadbeat daddy’s fucking killbots. (Click OK to proceed.) These are state of the art killing machines, and they’re coming for you.

“They’re going to find you!” That’s the Lebal Drocer Guarantee, but we are still working out the bugs. This is a beta test. You agreed to the terms of service. This is what it is.

Lebal Drocer, Incorporated hereby absolves themselves of all guilt, releasing responsibility for the attacks, and excusing themselves from this conversation.

Oh, I’m sorry, did our killbots kill someone you love? Maybe try loving better people, and don’t get mixed up with people programmed for execution by killbot.