Are you sick of the birds?
Are you tired of hearing those damn stupid crickets?
You did not just tell a bad joke.
It is the crickets who should die.
Your voices have been heard, President Biden said during a Labor Day speech on Monday.
“Who among us has not been affected by this?” he asked a room of confused reporters in the West Wing. “Do you not hear the cicadas right now? Listen, folks.”
Biden is readying the US for an unprecedented confrontation with Nature itself.
State and county leaders are asking constituents to “catch up with progress.”
Some municipalities have done nothing to prepare, while others have put sonic offensive weapons on order, that will drive critters out using frequencies undetectable by the human ear.
The country is responding to a bill moving through congress that would instate a blanket, midnight curfew for all wildlife across the continental United States, ordering the creatures to be quiet, and stay home.
An amendment could extend the legislation to Alaska and Hawaii, where there are fucking loud, continuous ocean noises.
Hawaii state attorney Stan K. Ridgedon said he would be satisfied if he never heard a wave crashing upon the beach again.
“It is powerful legislation, with full bipartisan support,” Ridgedon said. “From the heights of the Rockies to the valleys of ancient Appalachia, they’ve heard enough, and they’re putting a stop to it. We deserve the same rights. Now I’m going to have to call you back, I’m sorry, I can’t hear anything over these fucking seagulls.”
According to the bill, any bugs or animals heard chirping, squeaking, or singing, or is found out after midnight, is to be killed on site, by anyone, by any means necessary.
“We’re going to quieten everything down,” Biden said. “It’s gotten very loud.”
Jeane Paddy, 54, owns a soybean farm and recently bought a fully automatic assault rifle from Walmart. Ralph, a helpful employee, assisted her in fitting a customized holographic scope to the weapon, efficient for killing varmints.
“I’m getting fitted for my bandolier next Tuesday,” Paddy said. “If this is what it’s going to take so I don’t have to hear those songbirds chirping every day then, sweetheart, you can call me Patriot Paddy. We got a war to win.”
The owls over Paddy’s barn, she said, will hoot no more.
The Internet Chronicle was invited out to Paddy’s ranch in Vermont to hear what a difference this bill could make. Sitting across from the staff were Paddy’s children Biff, 12, and Judy, 7. Their faces lit up with hope when the newsmen came to see.
Paddy had them demonstrate lines from Hamlet, in which Biff is starring for a fall production.
After a late dinner, the kids ran around laughing and playing in the yard. Paddy squinted into the sunset, concentrating hard not to hear the birds.
The sun started down, and the mourning doves sang their final tune.
The kids were sent inside to have a snack before bedtime. Paddy, standing by the front door, loaded an extended magazine into her rifle, slung across one shoulder and decorated with Hello Kitty stickers.
With no formality, Paddy quickly went outside. Over the next few minutes, the children finished their cookies and milk in the dining room, and were talking about school, when the conversation was suddenly interrupted by gunfire.
With hands folded on the large oak table in front of them, the light left their eyes for a moment, as the first shot rang out. Judy flinched. Biff stared forward.
The gaze on the children’s faces fell to the table.
Over the next half hour, more than 40 shots were fired as they got themselves ready for bed. Not a word was spoken in the household, as day turned to night.
Another 30 minutes later, and Paddy returned, the hair dancing on her red cheeks in the entrance. She was shaking leaves out of a hat as she closed the door behind her.
“Hear that?” she said with a grin. “All quiet!”
A mass burn event is scheduled for Friday, September 9 at county fairgrounds in various states.
Locals are invited to haul out your kills and chuck ’em on a pile of what is sure to be a lot of dead animal carcasses. Drive on through, or stay and enjoy the burn.
Check your local courthouse for details. Bring the family, but be quiet.