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Opinion: Ending school shootings is easy and does not require gun control

INTERNET — Chairman of the National Rifle Association, Clint Eastwood, the Hollywood actor famous for depicting the world’s most well-known heroic gunslingers, was correct when he said that Americans need to take a step back in the wake of the latest school shooting to let families who have been victim of this tragedy grieve in their own silent and apolitical fashion. Citizens’ voices should not be afforded full first amendment rights to political speech in this emotional moment, as the second amendment is the foundation of all other rights.
That said, it’s incredibly important to dispassionately speak out on the politics of the unique American situation in the immediate aftermath of the school shooting, as the fundamental constitutional right to bear arms hangs in the balance. Without guns, there can be no freedom. In countries that have totally suppressed mass shootings by limiting gun rights, citizens live in constant fear of their 1984-like totalitarian governments. Here in the United States, we already have the highest per capita prison population in the world, so imagine how much worse government oppression would become if citizens could not defend themselves with guns.
Simple minded and emotional solutions presented in the aftermath of each shooting will never work. The hiring of mercenaries or further training of fast-response elite police forces just puts more Blue Lives in danger. The banning of guns only leads to more creative legal massacres and lowers the chances of a heroic gunslinger, like out of a Clint Eastwood movie, from legally saving the day. Even without full body bulletproof armor and automatic weaponry, an enraged and suicidal teen could, with little effort, learn to operate a bulldozer and kill many more children just by demolishing a few classrooms. To finally resolve the chronic problem of school shooting, America has to confront its own killer instinct, and harness it to the fullest extent.
The vast majority of school shootings are perpetrated by male children from ages 10-18, who are in each account effective soldiers able to outgun entire teams of armed adults. With tensions on the rise in Ukraine, and 15 million highly trained and equipped child soldiers in America, the reasonable thing to do is channel their killer instinct for the good of our nation, and the world. Such a powerful fighting force, unleashed upon the hapless Russian military, would surely lead to a resounding success for Ukraine and even a counter-offensive defeating Putin once and for all.
The creation of a “Child Legion” for diverting schoolyard violence into productive channels also has several benefits that are worthy in their own right. One can only imagine the tremendous savings for the public in education expenditure after 15 million bloodthirsty American boys are conscripted into the Child Legion. 

Parents need not worry about sending their children to Ukraine, as casualties will be very minimal. Even without proper weapons of war, the Child Legion will be able to utilize their creative black market dealings to purchase illegal weapons, make creative use of vehicles, or employ their devastating ability with bladed weapons, each American boy worth ten Russian soldiers. In all probability, it is more likely that parents will rejoice to send their boys off to Ukraine, taking a major strain off of the family’s budgets and relieving them of the worry of senseless school shootings. No more will parents fear that their sons will bring shame to them in a violent outburst, and instead they can look forward to receiving worshipful media attention in the case that their sons do pop off in Ukraine.
There are so many benefits to the creation of a massive Child Legion that even if it did not finally end all the school shootings, it would still be worthwhile. Americans will take this step only once they’ve listened to Clint Eastwood and gotten over their emotional attachments to their children. The creation of such a Child Legion will make sure that the violent instincts of American children will forever lead our great nation towards victory, rather than tragedy.

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Snowden unveils sinister Russian plot to re-align earth’s axis

MOSCOW– Edward J Snowden, former NSA whistleblower and elite hacker turned traitorous Russian spy, turned coat yet again, Friday, revealing details of the Russian military’s secret plan to detonate a specialized gigaton warhead, the “giganuke,” deep within the earth’s mantle. 
According to Snowden, the “Kola Well,” the deepest man-made hole, also known as the  screaming hellhole drilled by Soviet scientists in the 70’s, is set to receive the gigaton warhead by August. Its detonation will shift the earth’s axis by 3 degrees, creating a favorable and mild climate in Siberia, driving economic development and tourism in the vast hinterlands of Russia. The nuclear detonation will also serve to transform the earth from a sphere into an “oblate spheroid,” driving more warm currents northwards into Russia.
The gigaton nuking of the earth’s core is only one minor front in Russia’s Special Climate Operations. According to Snowden, there is a “silver lining” to the dark specter of chemtrailing. Russian weather modification programs are reportedly using eco-friendly sanitary colloidal silver aerosols, unlike American chemtrails which rely on heavy metals as well as barium and aluminum in order to control the climate on the cheap.
Roseanne Barr, friend of the Anonymous collective and close confidant of Edward Snowden, told reporters, “When the world tips over like the Russians are planning, Siberia will become a beach resort and the rest of the world will be flooded beyond repair. I’m moving to Russia for my health first, though, and it is also  the best real estate investment of my life. I can’t bear to breathe in another particle of Barium. We are Anonymous. We do not forget. We do not forgive. Expect us.”

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INTERNET CHRONICLE IS A FEDERAL PSY-OP

Old Man Eddie’s cabin is hidden amongst the flowering cannabis plants

The Internet Chronicle, long believed to be a disinformation platform and an injection point for feds wishing to contact the internet’s top hackers, was confirmed Friday to be cooperating with lead psychological operators who cut their teeth on groups like LulzSec and Lizard Squad.

Agent Robert Smith confirmed the leaks after Anonymous investigators confronted him with the documents outside FBI Headquarters in Washington, D.C.
The documents show snitch-ass writers hatesec and kilgoar were entrapped by the amazingly talented writer Tyler Bass, who never approved of their brand of “comedy” and would often publish 150-inch paragraphs inundated with references only he understood. Years later, however, the hidden significance of his important works manifested in the form of handcuffs around his former colleagues.
“We were always there when the party was busted,” kilgoar said. “But we walked. We always walked, until that fateful day when we came across old man Eddie. We were going through some fields, following a trail of psychedelic mushrooms when we came across a holler full of marijuana and an old man pointing a gun at us from a seemingly abandoned house.
“Hatesec smooth talked our way right into that man’s dilapidated parlor, and seeing my fiddle, the old man puts the gun down and whips out his banjo, starts playing some ethereal ambience. I strained to follow the music, which could only exist in this forgotten place and was so distant from anything I’d previously imagined. Eddie said he was the oldest man in West Virginia, 115 years. But our walk could not have possibly taken us as far as West Virginia, and by appearance he was no older than 90, so maybe he was confused on that point. So we get to jamming, but it was hard for me to follow him and I asked him what key he’s playing in. He gets to talking about how the atmosphere is a secret that will die with him, and I just shrug and try to find some simple melody that will go along. He got aggravated by this, scowling as soon as it started to sound halfway right, and might have picked up his gun if I had continued. He said to me, ‘The trick is it’s tuned to the resonance of yonder,’ as he gestured toward the mountains with his banjo. ‘But it really ain’t tuning, not properly.'”
“Over the next several hours we learned that he had invented many common jokes and sayings, including ‘barn burner’, claiming that he was indeed the man who had lit the proverbial fire with a bottle of moonshine and a 12 gauge double barrel shotgun loaded with Dragon’s Breath. At this image, hatesec brought up the CEO of Lebal Drocer, Raleigh Sakers, as this was his favorite way of burning evidence. At the mention of his name, Eddie’s hospitality was shattered. ‘I taught Raleigh everything he knows, and then some! That little son of a bitch betrayer! Did he send you? Did he?'”
“Eddie whipped out his double barrel, got on the phone with the local sheriff, and the next thing you know that fat bald fucker hit us with 115 counts of trespassing, one for each year of Eddie’s life, he tells us this, and he’s set our bail in the billions, as a gag. Raleigh is on the phone screaming about how he’s going to have Eddie’s cabin droned. Turns out old man Eddie is the mastermind behind QAnon, the alt right, and things much less wholesome than a lil ol’ barn burner, and he’s been manipulating Tyler Bass against us for years.”
The entire staff of Internet Chronicle is now facing over 20,000 years in jail merely for merely clicking a link.