axisflip.com

Categories
News

Aerosolized Vaccine to be distributed to Americans via “chemtrailing”

“INTERNET — Wednesday, the Biden administration rolled out plans to spray aerosolized mRNA COVID-19 vaccine over rural areas with low vaccination rates. The aerosolized vaccine, developed by pharmaceutical giant J&J, is “safe and effective” when administered by aircraft.

President Biden told reporters, “We can’t have these podunk towns incubating dangerous new strains of a deadly virus just because they think that’s going to make them more free. That’s the kind of malarkey that is getting thousands of Americans killed.”

“Today, I signed an order allowing for the wholesale spraying of the safe and effective aerosolized Corona vaccine, in several areas with shockingly low vaccination rates,” President Biden told reporters.

Opponents of the vaccine have suggested taking precautions appropriate for imminent chemical warfare, and some rural towns have reported a surge in sales of duct tape, plastic sheeting, and air purifiers. However, Biden’s announcement comes nearly a month after the military began secretly administering the vaccine.

Gerald Helmsworth of LaPlace, Indiana, hailed this announcement as “doomsday” and has been posting to facebook from inside of his fallout shelter. “This is the big one, folks, the final and ultimate push for patriot genocide. He’s sprayin’ us down with that poison since we wouldn’t inject it ourselves.”

Bug-eyed and shaking, Helmsworth told his facebook fans, “On the one hand, you have to give it to him. I didn’t think he had it in him. On the other hand, I’m prepared. This bunker is hermetically sealed, with ten air scrubbers lined up just for this occasion. I honestly feel bad for you if you think that duct tape on your windows will do anything at all.”

axisflip.com

Categories
News

Twitch streamer ‘Niki’ excommunicated by Catholic Church

Archbishop Cardinal Fairchild was enraged, Wednesday, as he condemned a twitch streamer giving mock confessionals.

INTERNET — Archbishop Cardinal Scotty Fairchild held a press conference Wednesday at The Holy Name of Mary Cathedral in Austin, Texas, denouncing and ultimately excommunicating Twitch streamer ‘Niki’, after a ‘confessional’ call-in segment went viral on the video sharing app TikTok.

Sweating and disheveled, The Archbishop clenched his fists in anger and ranted, “Nuns have never been permitted to give confessions, for exactly all the reasons I saw on her sick videos,” Fairchild told reporters. “Even worse, in broadcasting these confessionals, she violated it’s sacred confidentiality.”

“It’s not a usual step, I’ll admit,” the Archbishop said, “But I’m banning all members of the church in Texas from watching Niki’s streams. It’s vile, bestial pornography. Satan, the great deceiver, is speaking through her lips. It is as if she is as bad as Eve, eating the fruit of sin all over again!”

Several of Niki’s fans were spotted protesting at The Holy Name of Mary Cathedral after Wednesday’s announcement. Longtime fan Jeff Turnbuckle, of Oklahoma City, drove six hours to participate in the protest and told reporters, “Now I’m not a religious man, but Niki’s growth as a streamer over the past year is nothing short of a miracle. She gives me faith, I don’t know in what exactly, but she does.”

axisflip.com

Categories
News

Kyle Rittenhouse launches private security company

INTERNET — Kyle Rittenhouse is cashing in on the media frenzy surrounding his murder trial, using the free publicity as a springboard to launch his own private security company.

The newly created company, Rittenhouse Security, is based around the idea of using legal loopholes to leverage lethal force on political enemies. In a brazen ad campaign, Rittenhouse Security promised “Dead libs or your money back.”

Hire Rittenhouse Security next time the libs come to town! By skimping on standard riot gear, we put our lives in danger, thus allowing us to use lethal force under Wisconsin state Facebook law. Don’t just protect your property, use it as bait to exterminate the libs! They’ve failed in life, have criminal backgrounds, and so do not deserve life. Take it away from them by calling us now. Dead libs or your money back.

By hiring untrained minors at minimum wage, equipped only with bargain-build AR-15s, Rittenhouse security hopes to undercut all other security business models. Professionals in the security industry registered mixed opinions, after the announcement on Saturday.

“This could be the big paradigm shift, the disruption that the security industry needs to move into the 21st century. Who says all that less-lethal gear and training is a good thing?” said Pat Barber, security guard at the Oklahoma City parking garage. “Hell, I’d take a pay cut if it meant I got to carry a gun like that. Sure, I’d work for Rittenhouse.”

Other industry professionals are more skeptical. Larry Garfield, riot control officer for Portland, Oregon said, “If we started working security along those lines, it wouldn’t last. They’ll wind up paying out the ass for legal expenses with all the murder trials, health insurance for all the PTSD. I just don’t think it will work out, financially.”