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From Life to Death: Larry Tesler cut and pasted

You ever want to take shit from over here, to over there?

So did Larry Tesler. Because computers are faster at editing than sharp tools, the ability to cut and paste pages worth of material was a godsend to writers, and a natural transformation of computer technology so critical to life today, that it’s hard to believe one magical man, up in the sky, could have possibly delivered it to us. Seems like we would have come up with that on our own, eventually. Thanks anyway, Larry.

No, but seriously

Stenographers hate him!

Larry Tesler became King of the Keyboard with one simple trick.

Fans mourn Larry, acclaimed inventor of Copy and Paste.exe for Windows ME Year 2000 Edition and up. They said it couldn’t be done. He copied and pasted their bleating doubts:

It can’t be done!

–The ignorant flock who doubted Larry Tesla

So he gets credit for copy and paste from way back in the day. He might not have even enforced a patent on it. We don’t pay royalties. Do you?

The Internet Chronicle is raising money for Tarry’s surviving family members. Find the email on here and send us a link to whatever you got. Some kids are missing their daddy right now as he’s wallowing in the Satanic mire of celestial damnation, and by Gum, we’re gonna collect on it.

Because only God has the power to create in one hand while destroying with the other. In this sense, Larry Tesler was God.

Or so he believed

God threw Larry in Hell for leading people away from Him. Tesler was a good man, but this mortal life got away with him. He moved on from copying and pasting lines of code, to cutting and pasting to directories and fro. His experiments grew.

Cut and Paste, Larry that’s real cute, as you burn in Hell for all eternity, after playing God.

Eventually, his incessant copying and pasting of humanity itself bloomed like algae to consume all the world around him, transforming his once happy existence, which he shared on a countryside with a dog, and the dog’s loving family, into a nightmarish paradox realm where creation and destruction behave as one.

It goes without saying, God got mad. The townsfolk were upset. Even Mayor Bloomberg threw a little money down.

Larry Tesla felt the sting of Satan’s pitchforks jabbing into him — the Devil’s opening salvo — to mark the occasion of Tesla’s permanent damnation, and banishment to the eternal pit of lost souls.

Larry Tesla, who now only hears the moaning wails of tortured nonbelievers, worked for Apple from 1980 to 1997, growing the company to a lovable, artist-oriented development suite before leaving. Larry would not see the company become a phone-based, product as a subscription-based whatever the fuck.

Otherwise, Larry lived a good life. He was “a pretty good ol’ boy.”

Rock solid. Made to last. Bitch I ain’t no trick.

I’m finna cut that ass, and paste it on my dick.

–Larry “Fuck the Police” Tesla (1999 dubtrack)

“Gun Girl” Kaitlin Bennett dead from alcohol poisoning

INTERNET — Fans mourn the death of “Gun Girl” Kaitlin Bennet Marieox, who passed away at the age of 24. Akron Ohio’s Coroner ruled the death an accidental alcohol poisoning. “Gun Girl” famously posed at the scene of the tragic massacre at Kent State University, wielding her Assault Rifle in an implicit threat to any who would challenge her glamorous liberty.

“She’s a heavy drinker,” said husband Joel Marieox, who found her deceased Saturday afternoon, following a long night of partying. “I never thought it could come to this. She was just so young and full of life.”

Fans and haters have have taken to social media, discussing details of her death. “I saw all those pictures where she passed out drunk and soiled herself, so I’m not surprised,” said one comment on twitter. “She’s really annoying. Like she just got up in people’s faces and tried to bother them. I’m not even a liberal and I still hate her.”

However, some supporters are disputing her ignominious death. “This didn’t happen by accident as the fake news media claims. She was so dangerous that the Antifa Dems took her out, shamed her like this,” tweeted PatriotForGod. “She stood up for our gun rights and you know what? They got to her. I’m sure of it.”

Akron police spokesperson Gerald McCarthy announced the department was conducting a routine investigatiion, but at the moment there are no signs of foul play.

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador: “Elon Musk’s Mars Colony is a Hoax.” Future of Space is inside terraformed asteroid!

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador gave a lecture at the Kootenai Casino, telling visitors Elon Musk was jumping into a rat trap with his plans for Mars. “The electric car is a great idea, but Mars? Mars is a shit hole. No one wants to go to a barren desert because there’s a little moist salt to lick up. It’s too big to terraform, and it’s just another costly gravity well that will impede logistics. It’s just like another desert on earth. What’s the point? There’s nothing on Mars that can’t be taken from Earth. There is only a scientific interest in travel to Mars, at least during our lifetime. Now, I say go for it. But that’s not a business thing, it’s no good for Elon Musk. That’s for NASA.”

“But we have other plans, big plans. Big Boy Space Plans. That’s why we’re calling our business Checkmate, Universe Inc. Tomorrow we will launch our first Vaporator and begin the process of settling space. Computer controlled digging robots, only an inch in diameter, will bore into a suitably shielded asteroid leaving behind a shapely network of structural weaknesses. A nuclear reactor installed on the surface lander will vaporize asteroid elements into specially designed pressure chambers deep within the asteroid. With portions of the tunnel now blown out, the Vaporator will fill the palatial interior chambers of the asteroid with an earth-like mixture of air just before the first settlers arrive with their Noah’s Ark of plant and animal life. Then, over the next decade, as the asteroid begins to slowly rotate under the Vaporator’s endless, well-aimed stream of gas, our settlers will feel the artificial gravity set in. And ironically, it will all be thanks to Elon Musk’s rocket we bought. Stealing the prize right out from under his nose.”

“This asteroid has been selected for its heavy metal content, and great care has been taken to seal and clean the living environment. It’s safe inside a lead ore deposit, and quite close to the great mass of uranium that some say could sustain the asteroid for a billion years. Like a cynical Asimov Foundation, this massive claim of Uranium will, in the not too distant future, hand asteroid people the solar system. They will supply Earth and Mars both with processed nuclear fuel at such a margin that production on earth will become limited to the costly manufacture of weapons. As a de facto nuclear superpower lacking a significant gravity well, the military advantages of the asteroid dwellers will be extreme.”

“In many ways, life among the asteroids will be far superior. An enclosed, controlled environment with a careful balance to life lacking many of the disasters that earth-dwellers take as a given. No earthquakes, volcanoes, hailstorms, or infectious plagues. Asteroid dwellers and earthlings will diverge as a culture, and finally as a species. So, to invest now in Checkmate, Universe and gain a seat on a ship to the future kingdom of heaven please send all the bitcoins you have to 18zJouAQAMzX5sJygZ4M2QV7yb8FzxSbdq.”