In Heaven, the people we love end up hurting us the most.
Because God loves you!
Heaven, once believed to be a land of endless smiles and permanent happiness, could be the final nightmarish conclusion to a life lived in clean Christian purity, according to a new study published by Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, who is a lead researcher at the Lebal Drocer Institute of Theology at Harvard University.
“You probably think of Heaven as a place where you get to chill out for all eternity with the people you love. That’s what we, at the school, thought too,” Troubadour said. “As it turns out, the people we love are flawed sinners who break the commandments, which – as you know – is punishable by eternity in Hell, where they are tortured, humiliated, and burned forever. And while I know that sounds badass, in reality it is intensely, emotionally painful for people in Heaven, separated from their loved ones.”
The absence of cherished sinners creates a ‘sterile’ Heaven devoid of pets, unbaptized babies, and cool uncles. According to Troubadour’s research, the whiplash from expectation to reality shocks the souls of even the bravest soldiers of God, as they enter the Pearly Gates only to discover the unrepentant sinners they love will not, in fact, walk beside them in the Kingdom of Heaven.
“If you go to Heaven and you’re looking for your son, but you can’t find him, he is probably paying for his sins for all eternity,” Troubadour said. “Angels are rubbing your shoulders, telling you how good you look, and driving you back and forth from the spa to church. Meanwhile, Timmy is getting molested by the Devil in Hell. Knowing this makes enjoying Heaven very difficult.”
Troubadour’s research into the afterlife uncovered gruesome details about Hell more Hellish than previously imagined, which is why Troubadour recommends baptizing babies as early as possible by giving water birth into a baptistery. He suggests either redefining your allegiances and forgetting about all the sinful loved ones whose indiscretions hurt snowflake Lord Jesus, or wallow in grief – in Heaven – because you still love your family.
“Alternatively,” Troubadour explained, “You could choose not to baptize your child, and when you get to Heaven, rest easy knowing your sinful, ugly, blasphemous baby is one of billions suffering as they deserve in the deepest, most hateful, unrelenting bowels of Hell as waves of fire wash over them, burning their tiny, helpless bodies, and stinging them with an undertow of dirty heroin needles and poisonous box jellyfish.”
Troubadour said because of population growth, Hell has been forced to expand torture operations to “an industrial scale.” Now, traincars carrying babies through Hell stop for one of only two reasons: either to add more unbaptized babies, or dump all the sinful babies into hot, hungry furnaces of fire and brimstone, which burn hotter, and brighter, and more intensely with every abortion, stillbirth, and incident of SIDS. Hot damn!
“Heaven sucks because of the sinners in Hell. Think about that before deciding to go to Heaven.” –Dr. Troubadour