FOIA documents: “President Trump has not defecated in three years” – requires daily surgery!

Dr. Troubador unveiled a new solution for shit-free living, which was developed using public funding to solve President Trump’s incontinence

INTERNET — Sunday, the White House responded to a FOIA request initiated by investigative journalist Mike Cernovich, revealing proof for one of the strangest rumors about President Trump’s health. These documents showed beyond any doubt that Donald Trump has not defecated for three years, but rather has had his feces removed in a bizarre surgical procedure each morning.

The Internet Chronicle reached resident White House Proctologist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, who performs the President’s daily surgery. “Donny was very self-conscious about wearing diapers, he wanted to be more presidential. It turns out we both had the same fixer, Michael Cohen, and he asked me if I could solve Donny’s little ‘poopoo’ problem. It turns out he truly hates taking a shit, and would hold it in for days or even weeks sometimes. But now that he’s begun to lose control, it was ruining his attitude and threatening to spoil or delay important state meetings. Well, I did a little thinking and came up with a quick and dirty solution, daily ass surgery. I don’t like doing it, but the money’s alright, and I owed Michael Cohen more than a few favors.”

Dr. Troubador spoke at length, often filling in details that Internet Chronicle interviewers could not possibly have imagined. “Donny said he just wanted me to sew his rectum shut, but I had to tell him that wouldn’t work. I talked him out of colostomy bags, but I can’t say too much more. The procedure that I developed allows an incredibly wealthy person to totally transcend shitting, and it might make me a billionaire myself if I play my cards right. Soon I’ll find a solution for pissing, too. That’s not far off.”

When pressed about the extravagant expense entailed in the daily fecal extractions, Dr. Troubador confirmed it was certainly funded by taxpayers through a top secret all-cash black budget, “Well of course I’m getting paid with public money, three hundred grand in cash each morning at 6am. Mr. President doesn’t want to take a shit, and so he won’t. I wouldn’t have revealed this at all but I’m just so sick of the job. I’ve done a lot of nasty things for some quick money but yesterday was so bad I’m out. Never again. Plus I think these surgeries are really taking their toll on his decrepit old system, in spite of the future potential for the super wealthy. The day after that ‘10,000 hanberder’ picnic of his, I swore I was out. Maybe Homeland will have something to say to me about national security, but fuck it, it ain’t worth the money anymore. But thanks to all the public funding, I’m very close to finishing a piss-free and shit-free lifestyle solution for the super wealthy! People in the future will look at toilets as a disgusting relic of ancient filth. In fact, this is the biggest invention since toilet paper and hand washing! Just imagine the infinite possibilities!”

Oxford research team: Satoshi Nakamoto is “most likely Alien”

Did aliens create bitcoins? This report from Oxford has every military on earth on HIGH ALERT.

INTERNET — Friday, an Oxford Computer Science research team led by Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador declared that Satoshi Nakamoto, the founder of Bitcoin, is most likely a pseudonym used by a hostile alien species, perhaps from another planet.

Dr. Troubador’s team originally set out to research new internet filters that could weed out spammers who are employing increasingly sophisticated artificial intelligence when their filter hit on Nakamoto’s white paper for Bitcoin technology. “At first we laughed at this, but then we took a second look. The paper was most definitely synthesized.” Troubador told reporters in an exclusive interview, “We have a Sigma five certainty that the original bitcoin paper was artificially generated by a computer program beyond any known capabilities, which was remarkable enough to derail our entire research project. We’ve explored many possibilities, but by far the most likely answers are all earth-shattering in their implications. One idea is that an alien species has deployed an interstellar micro-probe to earth that has been interacting with our communications systems and gathering billions of dollars in financial assets, perhaps for decades now. Another belief is that possibly there is an intelligent mystery species that has remained hidden within the crust or underneath the oceans.”

While this announcement has left some critics laughing, military brass around the world have taken this as evidence of a grave threat to their security. Armed forces from all major powers snapped into high alert and are disconnecting as many of their systems as possible from the internet in sweeping security measures meant to secure nuclear and tactical assets.

Dr. Troubador warned reporters that it may be too late, “After the news first broke, our spam filter started going wild. We believe there is a new campaign of synthesized propaganda framing our work as a ‘communist’ plot meant to give the government control over the economy. The frightening thing is that this belief is gaining a foothold on social media. We fear that any attempts to seize the alien’s assets could result in widespread violence from right wing paramilitary elements under the hypnotic spell of the alien AI.”

Hank Desiderata of New Mexico’s Freedom Border Patrol said, “That’s just the price of freedom. Even if they are aliens, which is ludicrous, we start tearing down the free market just to get rid of their domination and it’s a slippery slope, next thing they’re taking guns from you and me. Anyway you fake news creeps can take the bitcoins from my cold dead hands!”

FUXNET DOXED by Raging White Supremacist

DETROIT– In a stunning blow to his manhood, the adorable baby biscuit of FuxNet himself, Drew Basko was arrested after a no-knock raid on his thrillion dollar home in the Detroit suburbs.

Fuxnet trash rat Drew Basko (left) and his pibble (also left) were featured in a tweet by Dox Holliday…and then something terrible happened.

Police say they were responding to reports from a trusted source – a real good old boy, they said, trusted reports – of an underground slavery network, but not the good, Harriet Tubman kind of underground, also associated with slavery. This one, police said, was very, very bad, and they were surprised no one self-investigated it yet.

“As is protocol, we did not understand the nature of the dispatch,” said Chief Steven Branton. “I only half heard the call. You know how women just like to talk. I hung up and hadn’t caught a word of it. So I figured, ‘fuck it.’ We just knew we were going in hot.”

With guns drawn, federal agents threw Basko to the ground, demanding access to his basement dungeon, where children were reportedly kept as property.

“Help! I’ve been swatted!” Basko cried out, pointing at a dark navy clad figure standing in the front door. “I was doxed! There’s the white supremacist who doxed me!”

Cyle sports a rare pepe familiar in a breathtaking desert photo. When he’s not making dank memes, Cyle Cannarsa enjoys punishing the sub-human migrant kids who come through his concentration camps.

Standing tall over Basko was Special Officer Big Dickington, a.k.a. Cyle Cannarsa, a real good ol’ boy with a three-headed hard-on for liberty, women, and white people.

FILE PHOTO: Cyle Cannarsa entered “blind rage mode” after a fellow patriot was doxed.

“He hurt one of ours, and I just seen red,” Cannarsa recounted. “I ain’t been that mad…in a long time. Not since this six year old illegal boy Alejandro looked up at me from the floor of a Freedom Camp, and complained his steak-umms were too frozen. The ingrate!”

Following the arrest, Cannarsa took a knee like his celebrity crush, Colin Kaepernick, used to do. He whispered to Basko, who lay crumpled on the ground under an officer’s tender knee. As he hissed, Cannarsa diddled Basko’s ear with his tongue.

“You’re damn right I doxed you. You know better, boy, than to give cops all that credit. I’ll see you in the refugee camps.”

Basko admits he was doxed in retaliation to attacking True Patriots nocankickn and good ol’ boy Cyle Cannarsa.

Back to the dark, roach!

“I guess I’m just like those kids in a lot of ways. Yes, I’m going to the camps now, and yes I had it coming to me. Cyle Cannarsa was right. I’m just like them. We are all the same.”

Now Basko is threatening to sue the Detroit police officers who entered his home, selfishly draining what little bit is left of the last remaining tax dollars from his own community, and potentially depriving even more children of food.

Truly Undoxable?

Despite mountains of research and articles, no one knows how to pronounce Cyle. Some say “Hero.”

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