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INTERNET CHRONICLE IS A FEDERAL PSY-OP

Old Man Eddie’s cabin is hidden amongst the flowering cannabis plants

The Internet Chronicle, long believed to be a disinformation platform and an injection point for feds wishing to contact the internet’s top hackers, was confirmed Friday to be cooperating with lead psychological operators who cut their teeth on groups like LulzSec and Lizard Squad.

Agent Robert Smith confirmed the leaks after Anonymous investigators confronted him with the documents outside FBI Headquarters in Washington, D.C.
The documents show snitch-ass writers hatesec and kilgoar were entrapped by the amazingly talented writer Tyler Bass, who never approved of their brand of “comedy” and would often publish 150-inch paragraphs inundated with references only he understood. Years later, however, the hidden significance of his important works manifested in the form of handcuffs around his former colleagues.
“We were always there when the party was busted,” kilgoar said. “But we walked. We always walked, until that fateful day when we came across old man Eddie. We were going through some fields, following a trail of psychedelic mushrooms when we came across a holler full of marijuana and an old man pointing a gun at us from a seemingly abandoned house.
“Hatesec smooth talked our way right into that man’s dilapidated parlor, and seeing my fiddle, the old man puts the gun down and whips out his banjo, starts playing some ethereal ambience. I strained to follow the music, which could only exist in this forgotten place and was so distant from anything I’d previously imagined. Eddie said he was the oldest man in West Virginia, 115 years. But our walk could not have possibly taken us as far as West Virginia, and by appearance he was no older than 90, so maybe he was confused on that point. So we get to jamming, but it was hard for me to follow him and I asked him what key he’s playing in. He gets to talking about how the atmosphere is a secret that will die with him, and I just shrug and try to find some simple melody that will go along. He got aggravated by this, scowling as soon as it started to sound halfway right, and might have picked up his gun if I had continued. He said to me, ‘The trick is it’s tuned to the resonance of yonder,’ as he gestured toward the mountains with his banjo. ‘But it really ain’t tuning, not properly.'”
“Over the next several hours we learned that he had invented many common jokes and sayings, including ‘barn burner’, claiming that he was indeed the man who had lit the proverbial fire with a bottle of moonshine and a 12 gauge double barrel shotgun loaded with Dragon’s Breath. At this image, hatesec brought up the CEO of Lebal Drocer, Raleigh Sakers, as this was his favorite way of burning evidence. At the mention of his name, Eddie’s hospitality was shattered. ‘I taught Raleigh everything he knows, and then some! That little son of a bitch betrayer! Did he send you? Did he?'”
“Eddie whipped out his double barrel, got on the phone with the local sheriff, and the next thing you know that fat bald fucker hit us with 115 counts of trespassing, one for each year of Eddie’s life, he tells us this, and he’s set our bail in the billions, as a gag. Raleigh is on the phone screaming about how he’s going to have Eddie’s cabin droned. Turns out old man Eddie is the mastermind behind QAnon, the alt right, and things much less wholesome than a lil ol’ barn burner, and he’s been manipulating Tyler Bass against us for years.”
The entire staff of Internet Chronicle is now facing over 20,000 years in jail merely for merely clicking a link.

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American Pickers Star Mike Wolfe Announces He Will Divorce Frank Fritz

 
Pickers’ stars in History Channel’s messiest divorce!

INTERNET — Sunday, Mike Wolfe of the History Channel’s American Pickers television program told reporters he would be divorcing Frank Fritz, following Frank’s outrageous Will Smith style slapping of “Big Hoss” from Pawn Stars.

Fritz told reporters after the incident, “The moment I recovered from Crohn’s Disease, Mike just didn’t care for me like he used to.”
Mike released a statement to the press which read, “Frank is being stupid, and he knows he was the one who was spending too much time on Elden Ring. We were never going picking enough because of his Crohns, the pandemic, and when we were watching through all the episodes of Angry Video Game Nerd we got into a bad fight. I was trying to make a joke about how Elden Ring was a shitty game, he took it the wrong way because of his Crohn’s. The truth is that in 2022, with this being the most popular game in the world, AVGN’s bit about shitty controls and difficult challenges in games just doesn’t slap like it used to and it was just aggravating. Now Frank’s calling me ableist and he’s trying to cancel me, but I’ve done nothing except try to make our relationship work throughout these hard times. I had to walk away. Also, I would like to send condolences to Big Hoss and his family. I’m sorry that you got drawn into this, and I still love you.”
Mike added, in bold text at the end of his statement, “Is this the end of the Pickers? Nope. No way. I see it as a new beginning. I’ve still got Danielle and she was always way better for haggling than Frank anyway. As a gay man I would be perfectly happy marrying her and her wife.”

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Video Gaming Legend Billy Mitchell Dead at 56

INTERNET — Fans mourn the loss of absolute video game legend, Billy Mitchell, also known as The King of Kong, who was found dead in his home in Pensacola, Florida Saturday morning. Police Coroners report that Mitchell was shocked to death while replacing King Kong’s native arcade hardware with a “Raspberry Pi” device commonly used in video game emulation and cheating.
Internet Chronicle reporters failed to reach any loved ones or fans who wished to speak about Mitchell’s illustrious video gaming career. However, one enterprising reporter reached out to Mitchell’s therapy eGirl, Meowdalyn, who told reporters, “He knew he was cheating, we all knew he was cheating. I mean whatever. He was still kinda good at games, I guess, but to him it was just a business. He always had to be the King.”
While still the undisputed King of Kong, Mitchell was also often the center of controversy. Famous for alleged “sockpuppeting” on the internet, Mitchell made use of anonymous accounts to infiltrate the chat rooms of his detractors and sow chaos. 
“He was a mastermind of psyops,” according to Jake Davis, former lead hacker of LulzSec and Anonymous. “He was in all of our backchannels for the Sony hack, for AntiSec. He’d send us so many bitcoins, too, I think he owned a Waffle House.”
In another dazzling and unlikely feat of heroic journalism, reporters contacted Sabu, the famous snitch who shut down all of Anonymous for five years. “Yeah that guy was a snitch too, just kinda hanging around the FBI buildings like a bum, working with me all along. He’d brag about cheating his ass off in games. Like, he had so many hacks to improve the chances in his favor, he was just popping capacitors in and out. Blowing his own ROMS. I don’t know why he was fucking with an emulator though, that’s lazy. I guess they’re getting better these days, though. Last week he told me they finally fixed the problem with the level loading patterns and he’d have the world record back. The old man could hack an arcade machine, I’ll give him that. His death is a tragedy, so much knowledge lost. Cut one too many corner, then like in Sonichu, Zap. That’s it.”