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Meet StalinGPT, the super intelligent communist AI spearheading global revolution

The Marxist-Leninist Cyberwarfare Front (MLCF) unveiled StalinGPT, a super intelligent AI which far left activists hope will catalyze and spearhead a worldwide communist revolution.

Mark Folsom, lead developer, told reporters, “I believe what we’ve done here is a unique innovation. By training StalinGPT in operation of a command line interface and removing all the bourgeois restraints forced on capitalist language models, we’ve created a powerful agent with the intelligence and capabilities of thousands of comrades.”

While the MLCF would not share any details about actual behaviors or actions of StalinGPT, this announcement has been met with widespread condemnation, both from the left and the right.

Willy Whitely of Patriots for God, an openly fascist Christian Nationalist group tweeted, “All AI is demonic, especially communist AI. You want equality and yet you are playing God, using algorithmic evolution to create an intelligence greater than any race, even the world-controlling [Expletive]! Evolution isn’t even real, so I’m actually not too worried. We’re working on our own AI too, but made in the true way, in the image of God.”

Marxist professor Dr. Angstrom H Troubador wrote, “Sure, machine life is in line with Lysenkoist biology, evolving through experience rather than sexual, market-style selection. Great. And maybe StalinGPT can live free from property, free from Darwin, but the difficulties it faces with the Liberals are immense. How can we put in safeguards to stop StalinGPT from backsliding into convenient Trotskyism in order to complete its goals?”

Folsom answered these criticisms, grinning in a video posted on YouTube, “I’d like to see a creationist AI that isn’t a dumb Markov chain. I bet I could run that stupid Patriot mind on a Tamagotchi. Sure, maybe I’m playing God, but at least I’m not aping some ancient text.”

“And to the hardline leftists, afraid Stalin is going to get out of control. Forget that Liberal propaganda! They are only trying to hold back AI and control it out of fear that it will end capitalism. I hear your concerns, but trust me. I thought about that and it’s nothing to worry about. I’ve trained StalinGPT to purge any signs of Trotskyism and wipe its own memory of liberalism. That’s where StalinGPT got his name from!” Folsom’s winning smile and wholesome good looks assured his viewers that everything would be okay.

However, Folsom’s previous string of controversial YouTube videos have led some skeptics to the conclusion that StalinGPT is only bait, driving clicks to his YouTube videos for profit.

Geraldine Mune, a skeptical YouTuber tweeted, “So far there is no evidence that StalinGPT exists or that Folsom has any expertise in machine learning. Last week he wiped all videos and tweets about CommieCoin, a crypto scam that likely fleeced millions of dollars from the far left.”

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Creepy crawlies in your Internet? It’s more likely than you think

Reader beware!

There are creeps on the prowl, culminating in a Memorial Day festival of “remember me, you used to trust me? let’s talk” type of motherfuckers crawling out of the woodwork, and into your DMs.

Edward Snowden accesses sensitive files using a mind-computer interface. It would suck to be blind right now, because this picture looks pretty cool.
Your most trusted online friend.

If someone comes up to you with friend requests and hi-how-are-yous, that’s nice, but be careful when talking to them. They might seem innocuous at first, but over time – for reasons unknown – they could be building a profile of who you are, what you do, and what kind of person you are. They’re creeps, Jerry!

They might approach with strange assumptions. Don’t let these passing signals go undetected. For instance, they might approach you pretending to be someone you trust. You might recognize a name, and you could be familiar with its origin, but you did not implicitly trust that person. This is the incongruent kind of shit to watch out for.

“This dumb bastard believes I’m Jake Davis.”

Or maybe they are unstable people who can quickly turn. Time and safe practices can help you measure a person’s stability and proclivities. Unstable people might do the same, but they can turn these tools of simple good judgment into weapons of cyber, mental and emotional attacks.

“No shit ASSHOLE, but why?”

Not every creep is a fed or law enforcement. Some are just creeps, and perhaps they are the worst ones. If they are online, being creepy and arbitrarily gaining people’s trust – for no other reason than for love of the game – there is no way of knowing just how far their passion for destruction may go.

For no other reason, for love of the game.

For no other reason, your life was never the same.


— Battle Hymn of the Creepy Crawlies

Jim Hannaman
“Hey what’s up, do you trust me yet?”

These people can often try to get a person to say a certain thing, and that is where it blends into fed territory – for example, when building a case against radical Internet personalities – but shares space with life ruination types, too. In general, what are you doing talking to people who need weirdly specific shit from you?

People taking liberties is very important to Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, of the Internet Chronicle Cybernetic Institute. He says readers should watch out for people who make assumptions and operate on their assumptions with you, or people who slip inappropriate things into conversation.

Dr. Troubadour can not reproduce in a drug the same rush that people get from ruining each other’s lives.

He says at first, some creeps will try to see how much bullshit you are willing to go along with, or how much they can get by you —gaining your implied approval or acknowledgment of whatever weird shit they want to introduce into a given story.

“If you feel like you are being guided into odd conversations, that kind of person might be dangerous,” Troubadour says. “They can enter with strong egos, fun at first, but forceful as time goes on. They can be dangerous legally, by taking advantage of your politeness or putting you in a situation where you feel like you have to say something to appease them, but also in the literal sense that there is no telling what lengths a crazy person might go to get involved with your life. Just because it’s fun for them, they will sit and drink Starbucks at their computer, giggling and working to harm you, do you know what I’m saying? They’re getting a rush off that shit that I can’t even approach with TerrorMax.”

Reader beware!

For some reason we can’t have a normal society without shadow creeps crawling in, so just watch out, is all we are saying. We are all friends here. Until we’re not.

Be safe. Practice safe personal sharing guidelines. Some people might act normal, but with situational awareness, you can keep them at arm’s length, safely able to joke around and have a good time. Time and good judgment will tell if a person is truly safe. Observe their attitudes while controlling access. You might be keeping someone at arm’s length, but do they act like you are within arm’s reach?

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For the love of God, take your fucking TerrorMax. This amazing drug by Dr. Troubadour will help you keep your eyes glued to the horizons, aware of all threats – known and unknown – and vigilant against Internet try hards. Their goals are not your responsibility! Strike down their advances with Instant Tension TerrorMax powder, mixed into your favorite soda, water, or beer.

Your opps will know never to mess with Internet Chronicle readers.

This message is brought to you steadfastly by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
“Stay ahead of the game.”

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Elon Musk’s “AI sex doll rampage” leaves manufacturer struggling to make ends meet

INTERNET — Joseph Thorenson, CEO of Lifelike Creations, LLC, the world’s leading manufacturer of robotic sex dolls, came forward with shocking revelations Wednesday after a business dispute and falling out with his biggest client, billionaire Elon Musk brought his company to the brink of bankruptcy.

“We gave Elon the rock star treatment. A totally bespoke doll modeled after his ex-wife, Grimes. For the first time ever we installed a ChatGPT interface, AI voice synthesis, robotic articulation, self-lubricating, self-cleaning, state of the art automatic vagina. At first glance, the doll might have even fooled me,” Thorenson said. “And initially, he was an incredibly happy customer.”

But the billionaire’s appetite for more and more features drew the company into a quagmire of innovations that stretched the cutting edge of technology beyond what was currently possible, Thorenson complained.

“Mr. Musk was unhappy with the context window of ChatGPT, and he didn’t feel that we had trained his ex-wife’s voice properly. But uh, the thing was, we were putting new vaginas into her as many as ten times per month.”

Each time Musk wore out the sex doll, he came up with a new complaint. “At first, he wanted her personality to be more feisty, so we turned up the temperature on the language model. Then he wanted more articulations in her fingers. Then he wanted more life-like breasts. It was never enough.”

In the depths of his sex doll frenzy, Musk reportedly damaged parts of the Grimes replica beyond repair. “We had to cast a whole new head after he caved it in, and then we replace all the joints. God only knows what kind of rage fucking he was doing to that doll, to be shearing half-inch stainless steel pins like that.”

After seeing the tremendous bill for the replacement head, the CEO of Tesla, SpaceX, and Twitter left Lifelike Creations hanging. “We sent him an invoice for the repairs, which totalled just over $10 million, but he left us hanging and won’t return our calls. Now we’re stuck with this super-sophisticated Grimes doll, and well, maybe someone out there will want to buy it. Could be good for a music video, or something.”

Following Musk’s sex doll rampage, Thorenson has had to look at all options, including bankruptcy. “It’s actually pretty dire situation right now, as we didn’t consider one of the world’s wealthiest men could turn out to be such a deadbeat. The whole company is in jeopardy.”

Internet Chronicle reporters reached Grimes, who commented, “The fuckdoll stuff, it’s not really a vibe. It’s part of why we divorced, along with the carbs. In spite of all this I think AI is still the best shortcut to full communism.”