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LITTLE ROCK — Arkansas Governor Sarah Huckabee Sanders signed the Minors Advancing in Prosperity (MAP) bill today, with media reports focusing on many shocking aspects of the 100,000 page legislation. Included along with the easing of child labor laws was the revision of several criminal punishments for minor-related sex crimes. New wording removed jail terms for most felonies and focused in on correcting pedophilic acts with rehabilitation at state-funded religious centers.

“It’s like an addiction!” said Jerry Fowler. “Basically its like we’re ending the drug war.”

In addition to his membership on the U.S. Holocaust Memorial Museum Committee, Fowler is a youth minister who specializes in counseling recovering addicts of all kinds.

New Miracle baby dust pills by Lebal Drocer IncHe recently advocated for a controversial form of conversion therapy to help pedophiles and child abusers like Sarah Sanders recover.

“They don’t call it jailbait for nothing,” Fowler said. “We throw them in with the fatties who are addicted to sugar, the needle freaks, and the porno pyros. They’re all just addicted, addicted to sin. It’s a medical thing, nothing more.”

Fowler, who spoke with his hands in his pockets, nodded to a long gray building with bars on the windows. Its paint is peeled from years of neglect, revealing layers of color history, grays, greens, olive drab, turquoise, red and black.

“Then we BREAK them down and rebuild them,” Fowler continued. “Like the military does. But we can handle this ourselves. We need big government out of medicine so we can move this society along, move the economy along, to get that engine burning you have to burn through a few thousand souls. As you can see, we have the facilities to support that.”

Fowler’s ministry has been certified and funded under the bill, which reclassifies his megachurch as a Class-A medical facility that is licensed to rehabilitate hundreds of thousands of criminals a year, at Fowler’s sole discretion.

Every smiling face tells its story.

Governor Huckabee Sanders said the Fowler ministries helped her get over her sadosexual mental illnesses, but that she still wants to open up all manner of child labor, stressing something about the economy maybe.

“Overall, that was President Obama’s idea. I guess it’s good for the economy or whatever. We put in all this gross stuff.”

Republicans enjoy full control of all legislative bodies of the Arkansas state government, and now the bodies of Arkansas children as well.


“We want Child Trafficking networks to be legal and safe,” Governor Huckabee said, “So many children disappear and their parents lose track of them as they are traded around without paperwork. Making it legal will make child trafficking safe again, helping slaves stay in touch with their loved ones, and maybe, one day, giving parents a legal route to buy them back.”

While other journalists have been living with a healthy work-life balance, Internet Chronicle writers doubled down, in an absolute frenzy, and speed-read the bill, racing against always-on AI reporters who ingest facts and information thousands of times per second.


In a postmodern cyberpunk version of John Henry’s race against the steam hammer, Internet Chronicle reporters were just barely able to outperform the machine, but only at a dire cost to their health and well-being.

The shocking content that has been rolled into the new freedom-based algorithms have dealt thousands of traumatic blows to their fragile male psyches. The only thing that has kept them reporting is the ever more potent forms of terrormax under development at Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals by Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador.

Dr. Troubador is currently suffering from content creator burnout and mental health, and requires financial support from readers like you. The Arkansas Child Rape Files are a series of investigative pieces that delve into the hate and lies fueling the Republican party’s decline towards fascism and loosening of child rape laws.

With your contributions Dr. Troubadour can continue his habitual efforts to bring truth to justice, and exploring every weird nook and cranny of the seedy underbelly where he knows a guy.

“I have an itch for new medicine, I’m constantly developing, changing, evolving,” Troubadour says with a wink and a smile. “Wherever my research takes me, I always follow my nose.”

[Editor’s note: Please revise. Include the word ‘consent’ somewhere in this story. Resubmit prior to publication.]

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Christian group sues to tear down “transexual” Statue of Liberty

A photo posted by the Christian group that is suing to have Lady Liberty torn down.

NEW YORK — “He is an abomination to our country,” Melissa Jawfreys posted to Facebook, misgendering Lady Liberty as a sign of hate and disrespect towards all trans people everywhere.

Jawfreys, a devoted Christian, believes that the Statue of Liberty in New York Harbor should be torn down.

“That despicable wokist statue is not only an unchristian pagan idol but also a transexual bathroom-invader menacing every child in America,” she raged. “That’s why we’re suing to have this statue of wokism and sin torn down.” Thousands of facebookers liked this post, with Jawfreys gaining over 200,000 new facebook friends in just the past twelve hours.

Jawfreys is the chair of Christianity for Christians, a legal group that describes itself on its website as “. . . the number one advocate for the religious freedom of Christian Americans.”  Internet Chronicle has confirmed that Christianity for Christians has indeed filed suit against the United States Federal Government, claiming that the “pagan” statue violates separation of church and state. Christians for Christianity reported one anonymous donor has already contributed over a billion dollars to the cause.

Many Libertarian men wrote support for Jawfrey’s viral post on Facebook, citing economic concerns, “Government has no place putting out statues all over the place,” Gerald Cockburn wrote. “Think of all the money we’re wasting all the time on bells and whistles like that when in reality we should be melting down what little we have left and making the best of it.”

Dan Leegan agreed, “If we were to make some actual copper pennies out of that statue, if people could feel that weight of real pure copper in their hands, I bet that would slow down this Bidenflation real quick.”

In spite of the overwhelming positive reception to the idea, some Conservative Christians still do not agree that the project of entirely tearing down the statue is worth the money.

Benny Marcoli of Alameda Texas wrote, “The copper isn’t that valuable, and tearing it down is going to cost more money than it’s ever worth. Maybe we should just replace the copper with a more suitable and traditional looking woman, or possibly Jesus, but this time make it out of fiberglass. It will cut down big time on costs.”

Jawfrey concluded the discussion victorious, “While both sides of the controversy have made very good points, there’s one thing we all agree on. The Statue of Wokist Liberty, as it stands, must go.”

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Rust clan loses 10 boxes of AKs

INTERNET — “It’s not the AKs, it’s the mindset.” Trainwreck, the top podcaster fumed at his Rust clan. “We just take the most shortcut way to success and then fill boxes with so many AKs so quickly that what used to be fun about Rust is no longer fun anymore.”

Even though wipe day was just hours away, Trainwreck’s clan had fallen into complete burnout and disarray after they were wiped leaving oil.

The gamers began teamkilling and getting grubbed for M2s right outside base, displaying an unhinged and careless attitude, the typical signature of clan death. Some even turned on Trainwreck for bringing down the mood, accusing him of copying Hasan Piker’s act.

“You’re all addicts for the next rush of adrenaline, the next big risky play,” Trainwreck charged. “We had so many boxes of guns you couldn’t count them all and now we’re down to just a few AKs spread out all over the base.”

The agitated Trainwreck began asking for Blazed to join, both to regain the lost composure of the group as well as to share wisdom about the ongoing dilemma of clan life and death in Rust. Blazed is highly respected as the world’s top Rust guru, understanding every aspect of the game with a calm, Buddha-like insight. [Editor’s note: An Internet Chronicle writer was featured in Blazed’s most popular YouTube video, I went deep on a streamer]

Following Blazed’s suggestion, Trainwreck then meticulously analyzed the farming statistics for each team member, trying to weed out the leeches and PVP addicts who were too lazy to contribute  cloth to the base.

Blazed, calmly allowing Trainwreck to reach his own conclusions, only smiled as the team’s suggestions of reverting the recoil, increasing clan sizes to forty players, and purging casual content creators from the scene washed past him, temptations that could not begin to affect his meditative and enlightened state.

“We’re O for six on raids,” an exhausted Winnie laughed after the team powered through their sunken morale to fail on one last raid. The diminishing returns of fun dipped into the negative as a garage door enclosed the dead body containing all the boom.

As the heroic efforts of Blazed and Winnie to maintain control of the inner peekdowns were seared away in a hail of dragon’s breath shotgun blasts, the light in the clan scene of Rust itself seemed to flicker. The defenders of the raid spawned in naked and showed bad sportsmanship, sore winners, and thousands of viewers were left contemplating whether Rust was ever a reasonable choice of a game for esports to begin with.