BROOKLYN—Kick off the layers, ladies, and I’m talking about those babies! Because “abortion showers” or “baby busters” in Korea, have taken the neighborhood of Bushwick by storm, transferring money for goods and services style.
First of all, congratulations…
Although this pregnancy may be coming to an end, you’ve still got something to spend for.
LEBAL-DROCER.COM has got what you need, and if you don’t need it, after trying it just once you’ll have to have it for the rest of your whole miserable life. Because once you taste this, you’ll understand that’s why we call it TerrorMax™.
One dark day you will realize why Lebal Drocer is right now pleased to announce the Baby Buster Sale, starting this Friday, and running all through April and May.
I’m telling you for the last time that in the same way a baby’s an illness that’s treatable, these bargains are downright unbeatable.
Champagne and cokcaine kit, with vintage style mirror like it came off an old car. You’re drinking for one, now.
Tissue box for if you regret it, which happens
America’s running concentration camps in El Salvador, okay do you really want to shit something out directly into this pit of despair.
Hi, I’m Dr. Troubadour. I was reading today story bout a scientist who got sad when his wife died. committed the rest of his life – decades to the torture of helpless baby monkeys for months on end, just to prove that they can suffer. Hey, yeah, thanks for that wealth of knowledge, Harry Harlow. I’m a modern feminist Doctor for the Modern Woman, and I think you know what means. I sell books, magazines, medicine, cars. Lebal Drocer, they do some good in this world, too. That’s why we partnered to create an abortion pill that is meant to be crushed up and snorted like xanax. Make the next one a molly, because that’s in there too.
In case we haven’t made ourselves clear, this deal is a limited-time offer. Abort that shit now Margot, because next weekend you are going to Florida with five of your very best drinking buddies.
[Editor’s note: This sad news comes as iconic child pop star Justin Bieber died after years of abuse at the hands of an industry designed to exploit and destroy him, and no one tried to stop it—A senseless, terrible tragedy that could have been avoided with a Baby Buster Baby Dust Bust Shower {Party}]
HOROSCOPES
ARIES
Over breakfast on the 27th, suspicions arise from unexpected places. Nobody knows anything about you. Trust the plan. Your lucky numbers: 3:15 a.m.
LEO
The sun in your sign illuminates that dumb expression on your face in line at the supermarket. Somehow everyone at the same time is going to notice you standing there, looking all fucked up and out of place. Someone mentions it to the store manager. An announcement will be made on the 24th. Keep your phone on.
PISCES
Present your birth certificate at LEBAL-DROCER.COM and PROVE you’re a Pisces. We will kill for you.
Justin Bieber's recent appearances in public had fans worrying for good reason
INTERNET — Fans mourn the loss of Justin Bieber, who was found dead in his Beverly Park mansion Sunday afternoon. Bieber sold over a trillion records and held the world record for securing the Teen Choice Awards 18 years in a row. Bieber was 31 years old.
Los Angeles Police Chief Jeff Sable told reporters at an impromptu press conference, “Our mortician says he ain’t seen a body this pickled since Michael Jackson. We found enough Fentanyl in his fingernail to wipe out an elementary school.”
A gaggle of screaming Bieber fans wailed and gnashed their teeth upon the pavement, with over a dozen arrested for slashing their wrists open at the announcement of his death.
“Foul play is never out of the question!” Chief Sable smiled as unruly fans were carted off to prison, “And I’m sure we’ll be looking into this one for the next fifty years, a tragedy even greater than Elvis.”
Staring into the camera and entirely breaking the fourth wall, the career law enforcement man’s eyes widened, “There’s a lot more going on here than we’re ever going to know. I’ll tell you what, he looked like a porcupine when we pulled him outta that bed of heroin needles.”
Meandering off topic, Sheriff Sable put out a stark warning to the public that law enforcement was looking to pad out its prison populations. Peering over his lectern, eying the people like sheep in need of shearing, the words smacked his salivating lips, “Y’all teenagers out here today, if you think you can get away with throwin’ popcorn at the movie theaters, think again. My men are at the ready at every movie theater within fifty miles of here, and I locked up twenty of you yesterday. We will put vandals away and make money doing it.” He sighed, speaking to himself, “Our prisoners all got sent off to El Salvador and the prisons are in the red, we’re just looking for anything, any crime anywhere, just so we can keep the doors open.”
The sheriff snapped out of his dissociative murmring and brandished his sidearm, reassuring the crowd of his authority. “You ain’t got nothin’ to fear if ye just do as I say. Now get on out of here!”
INTERNET – vultures circle as “Darksyde” Phil Burnell’s recent “crash out” has engulfed long-time contemporary Tim Pool. Burnell has seen a recent downturn in his Kick stream viewership due to fierce competition from “misery merchants” and “drama farmers,” to which he attributes Pool’s recent Israel gambit.
“These streamers like Tim Pool, they have no content, so they all rely on bullying, on drama, on making fun of people. It’s the most boring bullshit you can make content on!”
Burnell and Pool are no strangers to online. They each broke new ground in the 2010s, championing distinct strains of alternative media. Burnell, a micro-celebrity in the Streetfighter community, became an early YouTube heavy weight with his irreverent critique of video game design. Pool meanwhile struck out as a significant figure in the Occupy Wall Street movement. A former skater, he used urban wisdom to provide on-the-ground coverage of Obama admin atrocities, making friends with Anonymous along the way.
Despite their status as titans of online, both have been rocked by costly scandal. Tenet Media, the conglomerate that owns Pool’s “Timcast” has been investigated for a “scheme” where dark money was secured to produce propaganda for the Russian Federation.
Kremlin cash subsequently blocked, Pool found himself unable to maintain the salary of his staff, his private security detail and the overhead on his West Virginia compound. DSP meanwhile got found out for spending 80 grand on a gacha game, pissing off everyone.
Both creators were reduced to hard toil. Gruelling 13 hour streaming schedules for up to six days a week, scraping together what precious little donos they could, their dream careers made into living nightmares they could not escape.
Pool’s overhead in particular saw him consistently in the red. With bankruptcy looming, and the threat of bitter antifa imminent, Pool made the bald gambit to capitalise off an altogether different nation state: Israel.
As a client state of the US, Pool chanced that his patriotic credos might rise once more if he began signalling their virtue. Moreso than that yet still, the maelstrom of drama surrounding the embattled entity would draw lucrative clicks from triggered libs and perchance even more of that public diplomacy spondulix that he likes so much.
The risk appears to have paid off and Pool sits now in the Whitehouse Pool (Press Pool) but Darksyde Phil is not happy.
Pool began his foray into Israel-based drama content in December. He has since secured an interview with Israel PM Bibi.
“What happened to honest, meaningful content?” Burnell lamented in the midst of streaming 1996 JRPG Suikoden, “Tim Pool doesn’t have original content, all he can do is make fun of others. That’s called low brow, lowest common denominator content for dumb people. I get it. All he can do is milk people for content, because he doesn’t have any.”
Fans have criticized the pattern of digressions in recent streams, with Burnell ranting on other luminaries of the drama sphere such as Keemstar, Ethan Ralph and Steven Cambian. Tim Pool however was the first target with explicit support from the reinvigorated Trump admin. Kick user “ImaginaryDeadBunnyREAL” paid $2 to make Burnell read his contribution out loud “you call this meaningful content? You’ve just been grinding random encounters in a circle for the past half an hour!”
Burnell however was quick to clap back, “I’m familiarizing myself with the map, genius. Tim Pool probably didn’t know where Israel even was on a map until a few months ago. Ha ha!”
Phil’s disparaging remarks have drawn the attention of Jewish Supremacists. Some find him funny, but many do not. Everyone agrees he looks like a douche.
The fallout from the exchange would only become apparent the day after, with Israeli Telegram channels thrumming with outrage, recalibrating their usual screeds to focus on the historic Internet Personality. One such post, translated from the Hebrew, read, “we need to wipe Darksyde Phil off the face of the planet. We must leave no trace of his existence. The pig roach[sic] must be raped and executed before his wife and kin. We need to make a clear example of the enemies of the Jewish homeland.”
Some of Burnell’s more monomaniacal critics have followed along with Pool’s newfound ideology, instigating Israeli style drama of their own.
“Darksyde Flow” took to the streets of Vancouver, accusing Free Palestine demonstrators of Hamas affiliation and uploading the bodycam footage to Telegram. Elsewhere “Snort Hogan” showed public support in the YouTube Community tab for ICE, praising recent college campus raids to deport international students speaking out against atrocities.
Whilst Pool hasn’t responded directly, he has definitely been having a lot of fun, with what cultural commentators speculate was a “subtweet” targeting Burnell. The post (on X) simply read “israel derangement syndrome” which incensed many who might not have been privy to the internet celebrity spat. Whether the post had been directed at Burnell, or if he was simply hedging his bets, the manoeuvrer has established Pool as an up and coming stalwart of Israel related drama.
Worse yet for DSP, some openly suspect his indignity of being a calculated ploy to bring in a malignant, drama-centric audience.
Life long DSP detractor, Richard Masucci, spoke on the tit for tat on a YouTube stream of his own: “Darksyde Phil is talking complete horse shit. He doesn’t know anything about politics, nevermind Israel. He’s a liar and a fraud, everyone knows by now,” Masucci had intended to discuss the feasibility of the Nintendo Switch 2, but base passion seized his will, “I don’t think Tim Pool knows anything about Israel either, but the fact that Phil would sink to this level shows he isn’t above drama at all.”
Masucci’s tattoo to depict DSP on his left buttock is scheduled for the 8th of May.
Whether Burnell had intended to centre himself at a nexus of hatred and antisemitism matters little, he has no choice now but to play the hand he’s been dealt, while rival Pool reaps the spoils.
Hi, I’m Dr. Troubadour. I was reading today story bout a scientist who got sad when his wife died. committed the rest of his life – decades to the torture of helpless baby monkeys for months on end, just to prove that they can suffer. Hey, yeah, thanks for that wealth of knowledge, Harry Harlow. I’m a modern feminist Doctor for the Modern Woman, and I think you know what means. I sell books, magazines, medicine, cars. Lebal Drocer, they do some good in this world, too. That’s why we partnered to create an abortion pill that is meant to be crushed up and snorted like xanax. Make the next one a molly, because that’s in there too.
