INTERNET — CNN and NBC reports Barron Trump has been reprimanded for allegedly grabbing girls’ and women’s vaginas at his school and in the White House.
Expert analysis on these networks suggest Barron Trump will surely face criminal charges. After this scandal broke, rumors of an unthinkable pre-emptive presidential pardon have circled around Washington, blowing the bottom off of the Trump administration’s now bottomless mire of scandal and perversion.
So far there has been no official message, but the First Lady told reporters at a White House lunch, “The fake news needs to leave Barron alone. I never put him in time out and he never grabbed any women. And to the people on social media tweeting at him, they need to be banned for threatening a child like this.”
Barron Trump deactivated his twitter account after social media users criticized him for the alleged attacks. Roseanne Barr tweeted, “This little Nazi is a #PussyGrabber rapist just like his dad, Hitler!” Twitter responded to The First Lady’s demands, banning all users who sent Barron rape and murder threats.
Many Trump supporters also took to twitter, celebrating Barron’s pubescent masculinity. Thousands of teenage girls and grown women including Laura Loomer tweeted lewd and possibly illegal messages of adoration on the “#PussyGrabMe” hashtag. Several of these accounts including Loomer’s have been temporarily suspended.
Internet Chronicle White House correspondents say Barron Trump has been taking it easy, enjoying long bubble baths and ordering pizza, ‘self-caring’ to heal away the trauma inflicted by social media attacks. Currently he is working on Pokemon Moon. Off the record, Barron said, “There’s some good folks on both sides, I guess.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced he will run for the White House in 2020, replacing Sanders on the Democratic ticket. Already, Zuckerberg has been touring America – as quietly as he can – to learn all about what’s important by talking to simple, ignorant fucks like you.
Reality TV just became reality reality
Trump’s faithful following of Internet trolls and Proudbois have already taken to /pol/ registering their disdain for the presidential hopeful they’re calling “a Harvard-educated Silicon Valley fuccboi.” Zuckerberg is also the world’s first politician to rival Donald Trump’s social media presence.
Cuckerberg’s about to learn we do politics a liiiiittle bit differently here in America than maybe he’s used to with them hippies in California. RSVP to my Facebook event and we’ll show Cuckerberg what America’s really made of! – Internet Hate Person
Debbie Wasserman Schultz colluded with a Russian Facebook Troll Farm to hook up Zuckerberg with a nomination, along with this totally sickass new Trans Am.
“Establishment Republicans are conflicted over Trump, Megun Kelly said in a Friday interview. “On one hand, they really liked his Muslim ban, but on the other hand, they hate anyone who buries his face in cocaine and pussy. These are good old boys we’re talking about. Zuckerberg wears a dopey, clean face over some dirty enterprise.”
THE JIG IS UP
PRESIDENT ZUCKERBERG HAS OUR DATA: YOU AGREED TO THIS! NOW YOU CAN PAY FOR DONUTS AND COFFEE WITH CHIPS IN YOUR NIPPLES.
Internet Chronicle has long been compromised by the insidious, paranoiac, tentacle-eye of Zuckerberg’s specialized and pervasive Facebook cookies. It was only until now that we felt safe from him, out of reach, outside his sphere of influence. [PUBLISHER’S REMARK: Because we are the martyrs who put ourselves in the middle of this. We will one day puppet Zuckerberg OURSELVES — RTS].
Other sites tried to warn you, but only CHRONICLE.SU covered it up. While certain sites make you click OK to acknowledge the cookie, WE have been feeding you cookies by mixing them in with the TRUTH. [PUBLISHER’S NOTE: Why, at this very moment, we are TURNING INSIDE OUT and our veins and our MUSCLES are melting off our eviscerated bodies, and dripping into scorched earth. Our existence is stripped away in the third consecutive blast of the nuclear holocaust in progress as we write this – RTS].
Zuckerberg will use all our data to blackmail and revenge porn ANYONE who opposes him. The deal is: Vote for Zuckerberg, or enjoy having your search history published at the world’s most popular website, chronicle.su
It’s for your own GOOD, you miserable dogs!
You’ll understand when you’re older. In the meantime…
ALL HAIL ZUCKERBERG
“I have got to get me one of these!” – Dr. Armstrong, quoting Independence Day
Internet Chronicle Sports Medicine Expert, Doctor H.A. Armstrong, said Zuckerberg has an exciting new plan to purge nonsupporters with a proprietary algorithm that makes your EVERY secret known. With one swipe of a smartwatch sewn into his skin, Zuckerberg can identify and target political opponents at will, making him a shoe-in for the 2020 nomination.
NEOLIBERAL TWITTER TROLLS have co-opted the women’s solidarity hashtag #MeToo and twisted it into a grotesque gesture.
“It was in the terms of service you agreed to in 2004,” Armstrong said. “Marko’s coming up on the ripe old age of 35 and still he ain’t had a chance yet to waller in true power. This is what you wanted.”
Zuckerberg promised to end the healthcare debate once and for all, by prescribing mandatory Xanax to the Demoratic People’s Republic of New Facebook, America’s 51st state and the only state to exist entirely online.
Welcome to the states, Internet boys! Get ya bitcoins, because we are GOING ONLINE TONIGHT. I’m talking Silk Road 3.0 (The fastest Silk Road ever!)
This fine literature is provided to you graciously, and free of charge, by Lebal Drocer, Inc. Owners of all that which matters.
BOSTON – Police responded to a grisly crime scene at the home of paranoid, isolated Lebal Drocer founding executive Raleigh Theodore Sakers, Internet Chronicle learned early Wednesday morning. This comes after Chronicle learned of a dangerous plot designed by Sakers to drive away readership in a grotesque act of self-sabotage.
Wikileaks founder Julian Assange “leaked” an intercepted affiliate email from Sakers, the aging and senile publisher-in-hiding of the Internet shock site Internet Chronicle. In the unsent letter, Sakers transcribed wretched and evil thoughts as they rang throughout his head like gunshots in the night:
FUCK YOU. YOU ARE NOTHING. FUCK YOU. WHY ARE YOU READING THIS WEBSITE. GET OUT OF HERE. LEAVE. GOOGLE: FUCKING LEAVE. TWITTER. YOUTUBE. ALL OF YOU ARE FUCKING OUT. I AM THE DEVIL, AND I’M FUCKING IN.
Hey, take your 280 on the way out. and while we’re at it, I don’t need your 140 either. SNIVELING RAT BASTARDS! Why, if you worked in my office right now, I wouldn’t even abuse my power to sexually COERCE YOU.
Alright now, that’s it. Get the fuck out. Get the absolute fuck out of my office, right now. You’re fired. I quit. This whole thing is over.
DO YOU HEAR ME I’M FUCKING FINISHED. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME??? IT’S OVER. GO THE FUCK HOME. YOU ARE NOT SAFE IN YOUR BEDS. YOU ARE NOT SAFE IN YOUR HOUSES. EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU IS WALLOWING IN THE MIRE AT GROUND ZERO, AND YOU’LL NEVER SEE IT COMING. DO YOU GET ME?
THIS WHOLE FUCKING SITE IS A SCAM. A BLEAK CHARADE! YOU’RE BEING LIED TO! YOU’RE DOGS, YOU’RE PIGS, AND YOU’RE SHEEP! YOU’RE FUCKIN ANIMALS!
THEY BATTLED FOR NET NEUTRALITY …. what, you think that’s about you and me? IT WASN’T FOR YOU AND ME – THEY FOUGHT FOR THE POWER TO CONTROL YOU AND ME FIRST. THEY WANTED IT FIRST! NO GOVERNMENT, NOR UTILITY, SHALL CONTROL THE SHIT WE LIKE SHARE AND SEE — OH THEY WANTED TO — BUT NO, BECAUSE GOOGLE WANTED IT FIRST AND GOOGLE HAS DESIGNS AGAINST YOU AND ME, AND THIS HERE WEBSITE YOU’RE READING. NOW GET OUT, THEY KNOW YOU’RE READING IT! GET OUT. THEY KNOW. THE JIG IS UP. IT’S OVER. I said get the fuck out.
THIS IS FINISHED, DO YOU HEAR ME!
Assange holds a copy of the letter in his hands for cameras, which are pointed at all times into his embassy balcony nest, and a teardrop hits the page. He looks up to see the cameras are not on. They’re not even there. He needed a leak and he needed it fast.
Assange called Internet Chronicle at 3:27 a.m. That’s when we learned the wealthy Mr. Sakers was holed up in his office with a revolver to his head, threatening to destroy the world.
Somebody yelled out, “Raleigh, no!”
Dr. Troubadour, who is a real doctor, was at the scene but because he was on LSD, he wasn’t working in any official capacity at that time, so he was just taking bong hits while Assange put on his pony show for invisible demons rampaging outside.
“He was being such a drag,” Troubadour said. “It was bumming me out, and it was fucking with everybody else at Chronicle, too. Why would our creator destroy us? We ought to seize the means and fire HIM. Also Assange looked pathetic.”
Troubadour said the whole scene was pretty fucked up in the end, but he said whatever happens, happens. He is cool either way. At least he showed up. He even brought a bunch of other people with him.
INTERNET — A torrent of hate fell upon reporter David Auerbach as Buzzfeed’s bottom grade journalism reported an obvious fabrication in its bombshell reporting on a leak revealing the interior workings of Breitbart’s propaganda creation process.
The Buzzfeed article showed Milo Yiannopolous recruited neonazis and white nationalists, editing and controlling their expressions to maintain an aura of deniability that is the trademark “Taco Salad” routine in neofascist politik.
Auerbach is a longtime hater of Yiannopolis and one of the most well-spoken and effective enemies of gamergate, but the Buzzfeed report contained a catastrophically defamatory allegation that Auerbach denies, in which he passed a pro-gamergate lead to Milo.
So what the fuck actually is going on? The Buzzfeed story may be written by the typical on-brand gullible imbeciles, but its narrative does show something true in the decline of Milo’s career. He is a man who has become more alienated from Bannon, is dying to get back to Breitbart, failed to organize a free speech event and even failed the easy task of playing victim and framing it as a censorship. What better motive to leak his own dirty laundry, and oh, why not slip in a little mischief for Auerbach on the side?
In leaking his own email correspondences and drawing eyeballs, building up his character as a deceptive and crafty propagandist, Milo is both appealing to and emulating Steve Bannon, who famously contacted Robert Kuttner to leak secrets from within the White House after he was fired in the wake of the Charlottesville massacre, presumably responsible for the “both sides” scandal.
Will Milo get his job back? Is he satisfied with the irony of instrumentalizing anti-gamergate Buzzfeed for revenge, or will he continue to disrobe himself in order to extend his flagging career? Tune in next week as Steve Bannon’s meth house revs up production and Laurie Penny stops by just for the fun.
Fans mourn the loss of Internet Chronicle, the satire site best known for its award-winning coverage of the Arab Spring, for which the site assumes all credit.
chronicle.su was pronounced dead at 4:45 a.m. EST. Cause of death was listed as “Complications associated with acquired immunodeficiency syndrome,” or AIDS. Editors recently celebrated the site’s 10-year anniversary by performing a seance to conjure the hate of Andrew Breitbart, who simply wanted the 99% to stop raping everyone, before dying unexpectedly. He was mourned by fans, too.
The Internet Chronicle is survived by its publisher, Lebal Drocer, Inc. as well as kilgoar and hatesec, the writers who created it.
“We don’t know what to tell you,” kilgoar said. “We thought people were reading it. We didn’t realize all our pageviews were ironic.”
“I’m just torn to pieces over it,” said hatesec, who was getting loaded on the evil side of town. “I can’t get out of bed. I wasn’t going to anyway, but now it’s like I can’t.”
Remaining assets are to be turned over to the EFF General Fund for Attacking Internet Liberty. Like whatever, just do what you’re going to do. We don’t give a fuck. We’re dead, get it?
BOSTON – The stories you’ve been reading about the rare deployments of a so-called free speech enforcement team are not true. They are fictionalized events that never happened, unless you read it here, in which case it happened, in which case you did, meaning we are all puppets of lore. Like, Barrett Brown, for example, whose meteoric rise to infamy is owed exclusively to the wonderful work he is doing over there at the Pursuance Project. They say it’s like working for Google!
During an emergency meeting at Internet Chronicle headquarters, the Internet paper of record declared itself the official spokesman of the leaderless Pursuance Project, and the spinoff group Pursuance+. The team agreed it is a successful enterprise, and jerked each other off under the table without warning. One guy watched. Didn’t they say it’s like working for Google! Remember last paragraph!
Government forces deployed free speech squads ahead of a Pursuance Party and Party+ planning event and have encircled the building where Barrett Brown is rumored to be looking into someone else’s kids as you read this. The situation is tense as a familiar calm settles over the Pursuant Himself. And for a moment he feels peace. Peace. At last. Before thinking, ‘Wait, this feels familiar.’
“The Pursuance Project is just like working for Google.” – Dr. Angstrom Troubadour, Ph.Dizzle in the house, fo rizzle, motherfuckers betta recognize.
This message is brought to you carefully by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
INTERNET — Attorney General Jeff Sessions ordered increased enforcement of free speech, Tuesday, triggering what the fake news media has dubbed a “wave of protest against liberal political correctness.”
Citizen journalists report militarized police units are being deployed in every major city marching through streets and pointing loaded weapons at houses and announcing free speech assemblies using LRAD audio weapons capable of penetrating twenty story apartment buildings. Those who do not assemble are being threatened, their homes invaded and parallel charges cooked up in highly unconstitutional hatred, most especially in neighborhoods with people of color. Blue Lives Matters cops loot televisions and large quantities of drugs without filing charges. And at the free speech assemblies the participants are shot if they do not say at least three racial slurs and make at least three politically incorrect jokes. The laughter is forced, the speech is freed. Who will kneel first?
Now with Donald Trump dispensing actual, politically incorrect truths from the highest office of military power on the planet, many secrets have come to light about the deep state and its true aims at imperialist domination of the entire world. Even with the ongoing investigations of Russian meddling at the highest levels of US government, the Russian Propagandists are able to manipulate the minds of enough people to make voters believe Donald Trump did nothing wrong. This technology and the resources devoted to it have become so powerful as to sway major voting blocs and opinions in every corner of the world that has accepted the gift of cell phones. The implications of this have triggered upheaval unlike anything in all of history, creating an opportunity for someone to seize power. And why not? Look at who has power and their unequaled evils in comparison to all of history.
Do not forget a near century of globalsystematic CIA, USA torture, blood on two hands visible only to Unamericans — Hiroshima, Nagasaki — now the the world tipping into into a full scale quivering capitalism orgasm with the prophesied plebian suffering in Diamond Age, a weaponized, racialized, classified hipsterist Jackpot.
Trump’s glowing invisible made visible hand as The Apprentice’s Sorceror Grabs and ruins the Football Business, Women’s Business, Black People’s Business, Muslim’s Business, Mexican’s Business. And the White people of America quiver in fear of everything but also that their ignominious TV star President might hurt their businesses should they speak out against him or perhaps find themselves named in a stray typo of the drunken cokehead’s back pocket tweet.
At the heart of all this Global Carnage and torturing of democratic and communist movements, installing of anarcho-capitalist strongman regimes like Putin’s, the Internet is growing in this fertile death heap to become the most tremendous deep state weapon and battleground, as designed first by the US military’s budget for mass mind control, now for any of the 1%.
That’s why the Internet Chronicle is announcing the creation of Pursuance+, the ultimate in “Pursuant Technologies” designed to tip the scales back in our favor, back to the 99%. This ain’t some fly-by-night vaporware project done up by a heroin junkie who did federal time for carding and guilted a bunch of volunteers into supporting him. No! This is a serious operation run by none other than the legendary hacker Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador who once DDoS’d Steven Seagal personally. Pursuance+ has a secured and encrypted closed source kit providing everything that its idiotic and unsafe open source competitors have as well as tons of quality of life improvements that make it fun to share photos and memes with your fellow revolutionary vanguard.
As a Glorious Gold user of Pursuance+ you’ll receive 10,000 valuable Pursuant Coins immediately and be mainlined one-time-pad encrypted tasks after randomized internet strangers pass off decryption codes, meeting you at specified locations and times in real life for optimal safety. How you achieve each Pursuance is up to you, and we take no legal responsibility. Through this uncrackable trick we can escape the clutches of even natural law itself, since our deeds will remain scrambled until the heat death of the universe — all thanks to the magic of encryption.
Ironically, this powerful technology developed by the US government is how we are going to overthrow and remove the very idea of a nation state, replacing it with a new crest in human civilizational development known as the era of Pursuance+. Pursuance+ Systems sister gaming company Lebal Drocer Games Incorporated has already launched a pirated mod of Civilization VI featuring the Pursuance+ age and outlining the various advances that will come about. For example, a new unit of badly equipped militias can be built in enemy cities with a monument known as Troll City, an entire city of people who through use of Pursuance+ expansive management schemes can come together on the internet to incite revolts at a whim. Critics have agreed this is a welcome and realistic return to the diplomat and spy mechanics of Civilization 2.
Lebal Drocer and Pursuance+ is incredibly proud to announce evolving the human race into a new and amazing superorganism far, far beyond what even Nazi historian Spengler could imagine. Now that we’ve seen all of history spread before us as we stand upon our mountain of modern wisdom, let us, for the betterment of Mankind, accept Pursuance+ into our very souls and log on each day, obtaining as many Pursuance Coins as possible.
Giving a dedication speech at a ceremony dedicated to Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador’s future grave and unveiling a fantastic bronze statue in his own likeness and honor, Barrett Brown smiled for local news cameras. His speech was eloquent and mesmerizing, awing all the people present, “We analyzed the entire situation of the world from within the most classified backchannels at the very core of the Pursuance Project’s alpha test. I beg to differ with Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, who has been stalking me online! You’ve got to understand, the American Dream is a series of these classic, 18th century liberal self-destroying enterprises, from Raleigh Theodore Sakers Company to Myspace and on now the unimaginable cyber shores beyond the depravity of Crash and the mind-programming Silicon Valley lifestyle-franchising mafiosos seizing power with weaponized teen pussy in Snowcrash, Mason & Dixon, multiverse computer games, and Jesus Christ himself reborn once again as Advanced Human, former Voice of Anonymous, and only man with the cell phone that can text God himself, Christopher “The Voice” Nemelka. Whereupon you find yourself at the mercy of a pussy grabbing game show host who’s been barking fake news about Obama’s Nigerian Daddy for years and now he’s telling you, ‘you’re fired.’ That’s the American Dream.”
“Wow that made profound sense and had something to do with the world of politics and it increases my value to read all those inside jokes. As an erudite and attentive reader of incredible literature this is what I enjoy most. But that couldn’t have been Barrett Brown,” Dr. Troubador tugged at his beard once, and stroked it harder and harder as he came to a logical conclusion. “Firstly, he loves classic liberalism. To him it is the same thing as anarchism in that they’re both an extreme form of naturalism, both the same as his original Randian objectivism. This is very well documented. And besides, he would have said something about Pursuance Software Systems.”
“Pursuance Software Systems? What’s that?” Randy said as he walked in. “Yun’s havin’ a pot party?”
“I’m fuckin’ glad you asked,” yelped Barrett. “You motherfuckers just log on to purusanceproject.com and type in all your social media site passwords and then you’ll automatically tweet and faceboook me and my friends posts. When you post dank shit of your own that follows the idea of destroying governments everywhere you’re issued points that will allow you back into the chatrooms ultimately of elite people like myself who will task you further with more intense retweeting, comment writing, and other posting schemes that may even land you in control of more power in the future anti-government. It’s a whole universe going to emerge out of this incredible new web site. It’s Anonymous 2.0! It’s a superorganism.”
“Superorgasm?” Randy scratched his head. “That don’t make no sense but I guess I like the idea of it.”
Dr. Troubador laughed in the face of Barrett Brown, pulling out a butterfly knife and whipping it in the air around his face to show he didn’t give a fuck. Slashing open that flat, mechanical Roy Batty face, Dr. Troubador revealed Brown was in fact a robot body in which Ayn Rand implanted her preserved brain. However, with a quick Kaspersky analysis he determined that the Pursuance Network and by extension the control of Brown’s robot body had already been compromised by dank hackers associated with Chronicle.su as early 90’s era style credits rolled and generic tv jazz dissolved the dramas of our day.
“Wait a sec.” Dr. Troubador asked Barrett Brown. “If Ayn Rand is just powerlessly trapped inside your body and not in control of it, who is?”
“Oh, I’m simply an AI program that the Board of Directors created specifically to torture Ayn Rand. She gets a parallel feed of all my senses and I retain total control. She can’t in any way communicate, not even with me, so just forget about that.”
“Terrible.” Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said. “How can I give you some bitcoins…”
INTERNET — In an exclusive interview, Free Barrett Brown spokesman Kevin Gallagher told Internet Chronicle reporters Barrett Brown “resigned in protest” from Jeremy Scahill and Glenn Greenwald’s flagship publication The Intercept.
Brown’s row with The Intercept broke out over a story Motherboard later titled What is to be Done? and subtitled It is time to consider alternate systems of governance.
Gallagher told Internet Chronicle that Brown’s editor at The Intercept found the story “problematic,” adding “[Brown] resigned in protest and joined VICE.” The article was likely rejected as a longwinded, self-congratulating mess that takes far too long to get to a sales pitch that hardly makes sense.
Before spending a half decade in prison, Barrett Brown was the most visible man to be associated with a string of computer hacks done under the icon of ‘Anonymous’. Brown’s word was often enough to shape media narratives, and as a rule he offended many hackers associated with Anonymous.
Newly free of all parole restraints on publishing, Brown has become only more silent on internet freedom, Anonymous, and the state of the world in general. His only terse statement expressed no confidence in Anonymous as a force for good and mentioned a new thing called “Pursuants” which will replace them and eliminate the flaws that ruined their organization.
Brown is publishing less stories than when he was in prison and the latest row with The Intercept over his dirty old purusance jibberish has led Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador to conclude that his career as a writer is in trouble. “He’s writing a big ugly Mein Kampf style book and the editors cain’t control him. Things are breaking down. As a professional psychoanalyst I can tell you this right now, the pursuance fixation is just about power. That he’s shifted from a human form of persuasion to some mechanisms of computer code means he’s crossed into a psychotic territory and is very unpredictable. Possibly he will just remain in hiding, quarreling editors into dead shit or perhaps he will go full out on the Pursuantism until he’s put in prison again. Time will tell.”
Ayn Rand’s cyberacolyte has always been astray but now maybe he’s lost, too busy with Pursuants for this world. Even Brown’s spokesperson Gallagher tweeted, “… this Pursuance thing has been stewing for years and it’s now time for somethin new.”
After much thought and heavy consideration, Media Mogul of Chronicle.SU ended his long-running campaign of support for Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi, and denounced him Thursday.
“We believe he’s been kind of mean,” said Mogul.
Chronicle.SU described Gaddafi’s actions as “rude, unnecessary and uncalled for.”
“We don’t like how he treated them boys,” said Mogul. “I think those people deserve drugs and videogames more than anybody, and it’s a tragedy he ever took it away when that whole thing went down. But I guess that is why, as he died, they raped him with a broom handle.”
Coming up, after the break:Why YOU should medicate YOUR depressed children, starting from birth.