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Uncontrollable Patriotism

Trump Tells Nation: “Forget 9/11!”

Trump mandate “forgets 9/11”

Trump signed his landmark “Forget 9/11” mandate during a mid-May trip to Saudi Arabia.
WASHINGTON, D.C.—While en route to Saudi Arabia on Monday, President Trump issued an executive order denying radar access to air traffic controllers across the nation, endangering the lives of tens of thousands of airline passengers.
During his speech President Trump did an impression of Falling Man, a Patriot Saint of what was once a national holiday, now forgotten.

President Trump addressed fans via exclusive, subscriber-only Starlink stream on Truth Social, “9/11 was a terrible, terrible time for New York, for America. But we can’t keep up with all this radar, it’s too much radar of the wrong kind frankly and we don’t need anymore radar. We might have to think about punishment for these people who can’t forget about 9/11.”

Friday morning, air traffic controllers directing planes into the Newark, New Jersey, airport briefly had their radar jammed by military jets. The administration says this marks the second time in two weeks an air traffic controller got mixed up and brought their gaydar to work, highlighting the important and sophisticated methods being used to sniff out and remove the different ones.
White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt was filled with hate, telling concerned reporters that remembering 9/11 was “DEI bullshit that interferes directly with God’s Plan. It‘s time for America to let go.”
The FAA said the radar at the facility in Philadelphia that directs planes in and out of Newark airport “went black for 90 seconds,” a fact the Trump administration cites as a pivotal structure in their oddly specific argument against inclusion in who gets to decide where planes go. Leavitt said, “Philadelphia is where Tom Hanks died slowly of AIDS, in the movie Philadelphia.”
Trump called the performance “really something else.”
“They engendered many lives today in Newark, in Philadelphia,” Trump said. “I don’t want to say what kind of lives they were, maybe they were good lives. Maybe they mattered.”
“We’re going to save millions of dollars not running the air traffic control lights and radars full time, and now, with Trum’s new order,” Leavitt said, “We can finally forget.”
“Forget about it.”
The order also includes earmarked funds charging local police with increasing national happiness metrics, which officially goes into effect June 19.
Analysts and experts are struggling with a new, more profound question: What other laws can Trump undermine? Natural law? Is it possible that Trump laws could threaten the fabric of math, science, or even reality itself, by denying funding to Universities?
Jason Mayhew, a 21-year-old graduate of the Richmond University School of Political Science, said he and his team are researching a new method of law that would – through sheer tyranny of state – enforce the legal numerical value of 1 to -1.
“If our proposal goes through,” Mayhew said, “You’d see a complete reversal of the historical record. Time would move backwards, and we would watch world history refold and funnel itself all the way back into a concentrated point of matter preceding what the woke liberal media refers to as a Big Bang. With all the work we’ve been doing, my team is excited for the very real possibility of the total annihilation of existence itself.”

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Categories
Health

“Abortion Showers” take nation by storm

BROOKLYN—Kick off the layers, ladies, and I’m talking about those babies! Because “abortion showers” or “baby busters” in Korea, have taken the neighborhood of Bushwick by storm, transferring money for goods and services style.

First of all, congratulations…

Although this pregnancy may be coming to an end, you’ve still got something to spend for.

LEBAL-DROCER.COM has got what you need, and if you don’t need it, after trying it just once you’ll have to have it for the rest of your whole miserable life. Because once you taste this, you’ll understand that’s why we call it TerrorMax.

One dark day you will realize why Lebal Drocer is right now pleased to announce the Baby Buster Sale, starting this Friday, and running all through April and May.

I’m telling you for the last time that in the same way a baby’s an illness that’s treatable, these bargains are downright unbeatable.

It’s a Steam Summer Sale for people who have sex!

WHAT’S IN THE BOX

it’s got
  • Pregnancy test, make sure it’s gone
  • Poppers and streamers
  • Baby Dust
  • Poppers
  • Champagne and cokcaine kit, with vintage style mirror like it came off an old car. You’re drinking for one, now.
  • Tissue box for if you regret it, which happens
  • America’s running concentration camps in El Salvador, okay do you really want to shit something out directly into this pit of despair.

Hi, I’m Dr. Troubadour. I was reading today story bout a scientist who got sad when his wife died. committed the rest of his life – decades to the torture of helpless baby monkeys for months on end, just to prove that they can suffer. Hey, yeah, thanks for that wealth of knowledge, Harry Harlow. I’m a modern feminist Doctor for the Modern Woman, and I think you know what means. I sell books, magazines, medicine, cars. Lebal Drocer, they do some good in this world, too. That’s why we partnered to create an abortion pill that is meant to be crushed up and snorted like xanax. Make the next one a molly, because that’s in there too.

In case we haven’t made ourselves clear, this deal is a limited-time offer. Abort that shit now Margot, because next weekend you are going to Florida with five of your very best drinking buddies.

[Editor’s note: This sad news comes as iconic child pop star Justin Bieber died after years of abuse at the hands of an industry designed to exploit and destroy him, and no one tried to stop it—A senseless, terrible tragedy that could have been avoided with a Baby Buster Baby Dust Bust Shower {Party}]

HOROSCOPES

ARIES

Over breakfast on the 27th, suspicions arise from unexpected places. Nobody knows anything about you. Trust the plan. Your lucky numbers: 3:15 a.m.

LEO

The sun in your sign illuminates that dumb expression on your face in line at the supermarket. Somehow everyone at the same time is going to notice you standing there, looking all fucked up and out of place. Someone mentions it to the store manager. An announcement will be made on the 24th. Keep your phone on.

PISCES

Present your birth certificate at LEBAL-DROCER.COM and PROVE you’re a Pisces. We will kill for you.

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Categories
News

Justin Bieber Dead at 31

INTERNET — Fans mourn the loss of Justin Bieber, who was found dead in his Beverly Park mansion Sunday afternoon. Bieber sold over a trillion records and held the world record for securing the Teen Choice Awards 18 years in a row. Bieber was 31 years old.

Los Angeles Police Chief Jeff Sable told reporters at an impromptu press conference, “Our mortician says he ain’t seen a body this pickled since Michael Jackson. We found enough Fentanyl in his fingernail to wipe out an elementary school.”

A gaggle of screaming Bieber fans wailed and gnashed their teeth upon the pavement, with over a dozen arrested for slashing their wrists open at the announcement of his death.

“Foul play is never out of the question!” Chief Sable smiled as unruly fans were carted off to prison, “And I’m sure we’ll be looking into this one for the next fifty years, a tragedy even greater than Elvis.”

Staring into the camera and entirely breaking the fourth wall, the career law enforcement man’s eyes widened, “There’s a lot more going on here than we’re ever going to know. I’ll tell you what, he looked like a porcupine when we pulled him outta that bed of heroin needles.”

Meandering off topic, Sheriff Sable put out a stark warning to the public that law enforcement was looking to pad out its prison populations. Peering over his lectern, eying the people like sheep in need of shearing, the words smacked his salivating lips, “Y’all teenagers out here today, if you think you can get away with throwin’ popcorn at the movie theaters, think again. My men are at the ready at every movie theater within fifty miles of here, and I locked up twenty of you yesterday. We will put vandals away and make money doing it.” He sighed, speaking to himself, “Our prisoners all got sent off to El Salvador and the prisons are in the red, we’re just looking for anything, any crime anywhere, just so we can keep the doors open.”

The sheriff snapped out of his dissociative murmring and brandished his sidearm, reassuring the crowd of his authority. “You ain’t got nothin’ to fear if ye just do as I say. Now get on out of here!”