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Male feminists ‘transition’ to Black Lives Matter allies

New York — Just when you thought there was nothing worse than a “male feminist,” some ineffectual men – who failed to score any pussy that way – are now taking up arms across every social media platform, becoming “allies” to the Black Lives Matter movement.

Traditionally, male feminists were easy to spot by their shirts, smart glasses, and stupid haircuts, meticulously styled with planned messiness.

Now indistinguishable from Greenpoint baristas, they are wearing all black and showing up to protest police brutality, in the national fight for justice and equality. A referee, consulting the rulebook, announces there’s nothing in here that says a man can’t serve his community by serving himself.

Terry McMillan, a 35-year-old bartender in Williamsburg, said it is high time he stepped in and used his white privilege to “throw the blacks a bone.”

“I hate racism, you know? I’m not racist, so I need to get out there and show it,” McMillan said. “I’ve been stuck inside my house for three months, and there are underserved people in my community who need my white validation now, more than ever. If I stay inside through this, I’m not helping anybody see me.”

White male feminist, and BLM ally Matt Charles recently transitioned to full black justice, and has been reading literature distributed by the New Black Panther Party, which he finds “very interesting.”

“These Hank Moody blacks are more than just a fashion statement,” said Charles, from McCarren Park in Brooklyn. “This dark Izod button-down is my uniform. My identity.”

Charles appeared near the back of the crowd on a bike path, with former feminist-ally-turned-antifa Melissa Stanley, where they were shooting on a Canon Rebel EOS T6i.

“I made sure to get lots of stunning angles of Melissa resting against her bike in various revolutionary poses,” he said. “Just seeing her grinning face at a protest for equality is going to make one hell of an impact on her Instagram followers.”

Stanley, who calls herself a news junky, held up her iPhone 11 Pro, pointing to the CNN app. She said she does not condone violence, offensive language, or the destruction of property or monuments. She looked fantastic in a smart V-neck and canvas pants.

“I just want our black brothers and sisters, when they see me, to know I’m one of the good ones. I’m an ally!”

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Selling racial recognition technology to the police since before they were asking for it. Be sure to check out Melissa’s onlyfans.

Pentagon declassifies footage of UFOs getting the hell away from Earth

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Pentagon has declassified breathtaking video footage that clearly shows UFOs getting the absolute fuck away from the Earth as fast as scientifically possible.

In this previously leaked footage, Navy Cmdr. David Fravor and his massive unit were sent to check out strange, unidentified objects descending from 80,000 to 20,000 feet, and then disappearing. After several failures, the crew excitedly gets a lock on one of the targets, a rotating “tic tac” shaped UFO, allowing the camera to follow the otherworldly visitor until it left the Earth in its dust, man.

Fravor said he had not seen a vessel moving away from an object at that speed since Prince Andrew’s final departure from the Buckingham Palace.

The Duke, seen here leaving Buckingham Palace, makes the ‘now everyone knows I rape kids’ face.

“I can tell you, I think it was not from this world,” Fravor told Internet Chronicle. “I’m not crazy, haven’t been drinking. After 18 years of flying, I’ve seen pretty much about everything that I can see in that realm, and this was nothing close. Not to mention, they did not seem at all impressed with Earth, and left in the fastest hurry I have ever seen.”

Video footage shows UFOs getting the hell out of Dodge.

What were they running away from?

For some reason the aliens want nothing to do with us, Dr. Angstrom Troubadour mansplained from the Lebal Drocer Planetarium in Tour D’ivoire.

Maybe they find our alien atmosphere unsuitable, Troubadour hypothesized. Maybe we are just too far from the nearest neighboring star.

Maybe they hate our freedom, and couldn’t hack it here.

We have no idea what it could possibly be.

“Whatever. They’ll be back.”

— Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, Lebal Drocer

KIM JONG UN DOWNED

PYONGYANG — Kim Jong Un was “downed” Saturday, with medics from China rushing to get him back up. Internet Chronicle reporters gained exclusive access to Kim’s private quarters, where he lay in a state of uncertainty.

“He’s somewhere in between alive and dead,” Dr. Troubador, our in-house medical doctor said. “He could pop right back into action at any time, just like Terry Schiavo. With China coming in, I wouldn’t write that possibility off just yet.”

Kim currently looks like this, only on his back now, with eyes closed.
Kim currently looks like this, only on his back now, with eyes closed.

“He might just be doing this whole ‘I’m dead’ thing for the attention,” said one Anonymous Juche party insider, who asked not to be named due to great personal risk to himself, his entire extended family, and their pets. “He’s been hate watching the daily Trump briefings and nearly blew his lid with the comment about sunlight in the body, injecting disinfectant. Kim demanded we shoot him full of ‘Rona that minute.”

Number Stations which were previously dormant for decades are now alive with cryptic messages, often delivered in an original, alert, and hasty fashion not seen since Kim Jong Il died of a heart attack almost 9 years ago.

A team of ten thousand American intelligence agents are intensely monitoring these energetic and upbeat “number stations” embedded in Kim’s palace, including “steamy” emissions from a smart TV and Alexa device “air-gapped” by the Space Force.

According to a Pentagon official close to the Chronicle: “They did it, they pumped the Corona into his blood. It seems like they hit a vein heading for his head, causing what many doctors in North Korea believe might be brain death, and the first known case to medical science of a COVID-19 infection starting in the brain.”

COVID-19, named after the year of its discovery, 2019, is a comparatively ancient disease to inflict on a modern, forward-thinking Supreme Leader like Kim Jong Un, Troubadour noted. “It’s so ironic, when you think about it.”

Will North Korea let Kim rule his country from a permanent vegetative state, or is it time to pull the plug?

It could be the case that Kim can still hear the outpouring of praise and thanks from Juche Party officials around his bedside, according to Anonymous.

During our man-on-the-street interviews in Cuthbert, Ga. a young Korean boy named Min-Jun approached one of our reporters with his hands where we could see them.

“How heartbreaking would it be if it was you in that bed, listening to your sister making plans to test nukes and neutralize “threats” — but they were your old drinking buddies?” asked the boy with an unusually mature perspective. “You probably wouldn’t get it.”

Gerard Boucher of Georgia – where coronavirus does not affect us – told the Chronicle, “It is too soon to tell. I don’t think you oughta pull the plug if there’s a chance Kim’s alive in there. He’s good friends with the president, you know. Great friends. Sad!”

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