CHRONICLE.SU UNDER INVESTIGATION FOR HUMAN RIGHTS ABUSES

A newsroom-turned-mind-control-cult raises questions about the ethics of satirical news journalism

At just 13 years old, Dylan writes jokes for 18 hours each day, and sends that money back home to his wife and children
At just 13 years old, Dylan writes jokes for 18 hours each day, and sends that money back home to his wife and children

Authorities are on us like ants at a picnic, and we aren’t coming out. We didn’t know torture cages were not up to code. If we had known about it, of course we would have done more to hide it.

The people accusing Internet Chronicle of employee abuse have organized against the news outlet, and you may field all questions to their lawyer, Dr. Euclid Armstrong.

“The Internet Chronicle is a hate-filled vortex of below-the-belt insults from shattered minds.”

He is a man of fortitude, grace and dignity. Despite his egregious lawsuits against chronicle.su, there  are no hard feelings between us.

We did not take anyone’s passports. They volunteered them to us for perks and bonuses.

Internet Chronicle staff, known for their office hi-jinx and pot parties, refused to comment, citing a nondisclosure agreement between themselves and this important website. One writer did, however, indicate he was publishing articles in a hostile work environment, from inside a newsroom he calls a “hate-filled vortex of below-the-belt insults from shattered minds.”

It’s not just the employee abuse, the writer’s union lawyer explained. It’s also about a pattern of drug abuse that runs rampant through the hallowed hall of the Internet Chronicle’s home office trailer in Cuthbert, Georgia.

Ivania, staff homemaker at Internet Chronicle, said it has been six weeks since she reported dangerous illegal activity she seen happening here at our place.

“I went through their dressing room the other night, and saw them crushing pills into white powder, and snorting it off the top of a mini-fridge,” she said. “They saw me staring and said, ‘Well, at least we ain’t shootin’ it.’ And they was right. They’re not shooting it yet, so right now everything’s fine.”

A plea of Intentional Guilt will be made on the chronicle.su’s behalf, in order to bypass a lengthy trial and save taxpayers money, as well as an embarrassing loss in court against Lebal Drocer, Inc.

[Editor’s note: We still don’t know what happened to Tom. No one has seen him or heard from him.]

Bannon: Trump “just a front to fuck with the sheeple”

As confederate monuments fall around the nation in a revolutionary cultural victory and the president’s tepid crypto-racism airs to shock and disgrace across the world, the Internet Chronicle’s Charlottesville office received a strange call we first thought was a depraved prank. Upon later voice histogram analysis, this recording proved to be none other than Steve Bannon, Chief White House strategist.

Bannon phoned our offices and talked viciously at our secretary in this terrible and offensive fast paced panting, which she captured on an audio recording as a reaction to the intimidating and threatening nature of the voice.

“Trump is just a front to fuck with the sheeple. Me, I’m sending a fake real message, and you of all people know what the fuck I mean. I’m hinting at how they’re going to be enslaved, but then I’m saying they’ll be enslaved by China or worse in their grandchildren’s generation if we don’t do something. Of course that’s all a load of shit. The status of America as the world’s only Superpower is all propaganda and a fantasy with no strategic importance. China will win the economic war and any serious boots on the fucking ground world war three type situation as well. It’s a foregone conclusion, if you just look at the logistical analysis. We cannot sustain warfare for as long or as intensely as they can. Also they’re just too damn good at hacking and their technology is surpassing ours on many fronts. No deal is going to stop these dynamics and any idiot should know that. But there’s where it gets juicy for us, and why I’ve got my man Donald stroking at the nuclear tips on the world stage, sneaking his hatred into the most tiny events. It’s the secret Nixon doctrine hidden from public sight. Mutually assured destruction becomes an option for wiping out the Chinese that only gets more enticing as they begin to outcompete us and further make us enslave our people and decrease their quality of life to get to endgame. But at the last moment, one side, probably us, chooses between defeat or mutual defeat. And we want mutual defeat, total nuclear annihilation. It’s just a matter of when.”

At this point in the tape Bannon could be heard choking and shifting gears while dogging the aircooled engine on a rattling Volkswagen dune buggy .

“As it turns out it’s really hard to strip people of their healthcare. So we’ve concocted a never ending crisis in the most visible American leadership that will further erode confidence in democracy and build acceptance for the new dictator who will be able to carry out hard line enslavement of his own people in order to grow collective property value to a larger number than China’s. It’s that simple. We’re talking with Peter Thiel about pumping up our population with eugenic babyfarming using the best and whitest genes from the 23andMe database chopped up and reassembled with infinite life and no disease, AI parenting, and so on. It’s amazing the things you learn about being at the center of all world power. By the way I may not look healthy but listen, now that I’ve ascended to the high throne of slave whipper, this is the first year I’ve ever been able to afford proper healthcare and I feel like I’m going to live forever. The Bohemian Grove is actually a clinic for elites with secretive technology, and Alex Jones was in the telomere regeneration spa with me, telling jokes about the fake health supplies he sells to people so he can afford the real thing. That guy, man, people act like I’m some villain just for plotting world domination, a noble pursuit, but this guy, he’s some kind of vampire. He’s the king clown of the ISIS crew and they’re all revving up their car engines for revenge. A civil war that radically increases the enslavement ratios to back where they should be, ahhhh. Ahhhhh. Alex Jones, now there’s the most powerful man on earth. Our empire is crumbling right under us and we’re doing our damndest out here but we can’t deliver on anything. Not a damn thing we promised was even possible, to begin with. I said those alt-right guys were clowns, but look. I mean he was on reality tv, for god’s sake. The man is the biggest clown in history to distract you while I do the real work.”

Our secretary heard Mr. Bannon put his phone down followed by what sounded like Mr. Bannon’s strained masturbation with immense and exaggerative moaning sounds. At this point she hung up on him and rushed into my office, toppling twelve shelves of science fiction paperbacks. At no point in the conversation did Mr. Bannon say whether the conversation was on or off the record or what he was trying to get at out of making such a depraved and hideous phone call but the office presumed the man was on some sort of an endless nightmare cocaine or amphetamine binge that has been going on perpetually since the night Donald Trump promised to lock Hillary up.

hatesec dead at 30

It was just cats, everywhere: Kilgoar
hatesec was a cat on the internet

NEW YORK — Fans mourn the loss of of Raleigh T. Sakers, the satirist better known by the name ‘hatesec’ who died early Monday morning at his home in Brooklyn.

Hatesec was pronounced dead at 3:27 a.m. EST. Cause of death was listed as “Complications associated with acquired immunodeficiency syndrome,” or AIDS. He was 30.

Hatesec is survived by three serious ex-girlfriends, and six not-so-serious ex-girlfriends. He had no children ;)

Because no will was entered into the public record, hatesec’s charity for underprivileged financial institutions, The Bailout Foundation, will dissolve.

Remaining assets are to be turned over to Virginia doctors for repayment of medical debts accrued after a spontaneous pneumothorax nearly killed the Internet Chronicle editor in 2010.

Hatesec’s public image suffered in the wake of a 2009 incident filmed at the intersection of Monument and Allen Avenues in Richmond, where he was filmed simulating autofellatio under a large Confederate monument. The incident was seen by more than 500,000 people, before YouTube took down the 9-minute video, stating it violates the terms of their puritan service agreement.

When hatesec realized what was happening, he instinctively “finished,” lovingly snowballed General Lee, and left the 60-foot monument to deal with his imagined pregnancy alone, and without sympathy from passing cars.

While hatesec left no will or funeral instructions, a recent tweet offers some guidance as to what friends and family might do to help his final wishes come true, as we close the final chapter of his otherwise pointless, insignificant life:

 

Senator Bernie Sanders dead at 75

Fans mourn the loss of Independent Senator Bernie Sanders, 75, of Vermont

Fans, Voters, and Americans of all political leanings mourn Senator “Bernie” Sanders. Sanders was found dead in his home at the age of 75 after suffering a ruptured brain aneurysm in his sleep.

A video leaked from inside Sanders’ offices showed the late Senator in a distressed state Wednesday evening. Visibly red in the face and ‘raging’, Sanders said, “I don’t know how it happened. Obviously voting for Hillary was the right thing to do, but my supporters seemed more convinced by Trump’s arguments in the end. Where did I go wrong?”

Cassandra Fairbanks, former Bernie supporter and alt-right superstar, tweeted “Bernie was definitely suffering from brain damage in this clip. I hate to see him in this state. #RIPtheBern”

In the leaked footage, Bernie waved his hands in the air, as if distributing packages to the American people and screaming in a strained tone, “A little FASCISM for you, and a little FASCISM for YOU! And some WARS and some NUKES for YOU!” The video has since been removed from youtube at the request of the Sanders family.

Many have taken to tweeting on the hashtag #RIPtheBern, mourning not only for Bernie but for the American Republic. Dr. Troubador let loose a tweetstorm that has been at the center of all public discussion, tweeting “Historians will call Trump the first of the real neomonarchs. By the end of his term he will be too rich to ever lose an election. Trump will continue to buy influence and cash in on it beyond everyone’s expectations and he’s already grooming his family to inherit the American empire. We’re all realizing this just now and it’s not easy on any of us. Imagine how Bernie must’ve felt.”

Cult-leader ‘kilgoar’ BANNED from Rust: “Ye fiyed”

FILE PHOTO: Old Brutus assaulted fellow employees as they tried to restrain him. Witnesses say he bit, kicked and scratched Executive Editor Kilgoar Trout. Brutus later threatened suicide.

I’m cucksec and you’re reading the Future of News ‘Net Chronicle.su

After a juvenile, embarrassing and misdirected rant posted to internet hate site CHRONICLE.SU – creators of the videogame Rust banned a player named “kilgoar” who wrote the “BLOG post” seen by millions. A ‘blog is short for web-log which – unlike this news site – is not credible and can be written by anyone.

In his fake news ramblings, “kilgoar” calls Rust a SHITTY GAME that is a WASTE of time, because he sucks at Rust, which sucks now too, he says. He did not say that but we are saying that.

kilgoar’s actions are REPREHENSIBLE and WILL NOT BE TOLERATED ON THIS SITE. He has been FIRED, cucked from his place of power by game designers, which means the game is currently being designed with kilgoar’s absence in mind.

‘The cuck rule,’ designers call it, only applies to kilgoar, because he doesn’t understand Rust – having sunk a paltry <400 hours into the anarchy simulator – currently in “Beta” and characterized not by the game’s current development stage, but the people who play it.

A ‘Nightmare Cult’

People close to kilgoar, including followers of his illegal text and audio backchannel, warned me kilgoar’s decisions and movements have become twitchy and possessive.

“He orders us into the asbestos mines like his slaves,” said Ham Sterman, who himself admits to succumbing to kilgoar’s cult of brutalizing tribal aggression. “He asks if we’re cold, but not because he’s concerned for our health. He just likes knowing we’re cold.”

Cuck of week Kilgora the Explora

kilgoar, dressed to the nines, leads exodus to Flavortown, Mass.

 

Rust is broken

I hate Rust

Rust is a broken game and I hate it. In fact I’m quitting. I have three thousand hours so I should know better than you. You just started this month. No one plays Rust anymore despite the fact that it’s more popular than ever. You’re not a real player. FUCKING AUTIST! KILL YOURSELF!

I sold my base for $10 this week, go ahead and raid it because you can’t. I don’t even care, I’m already done. It’ll take 24 rockets and 72 crossbow bolts, and I can get in and out of my cave in exactly six seconds. It’s the most perfect base ever constructed, and I didn’t use the autistic quarries to build it, I just hit nodes because it’s so much faster. Actually even though the devs want to encourage people to use quarries, they’re horrible because you can just twig in past the high walls and steal everything. It’s not like setting them out in the open and creating a pvp situation has even half the thrill of mindlessly hitting rocks for several hours, you fucking autist, Fuck you and kill yourself for mentioning Quarries. I’m a fucking god of Rust and you just started. How fucking dare you like the game at all, or any of the exciting new content. FUCK Rust. It’s been in alpha for three and a half years, motherfucker. With every change I want to kill myself a little bit more. Fucking kill yourself.

Why the fuck would you ever put anything into fucking lockers? They’re gay and too hard to use, I can’t even figure them out. I remember when they made them and they were bad. Plus you can fit so much shit into a smaller space, and make it more secure as well using the same pattern of building as everybody else. Also shotgun traps don’t do anything at all in a raid situation but I have 16 in my base so fucking try me. Didn’t you know 94% of bases are offline raided? Literally there is no point to them. Traps are worthless.

I can’t fucking believe they’re adding NPCs. Don’t you fucking KNOW the difference between NPCs and APCs? Jesus Fucking Christ go kill yourself. I’m done. I’m really done here. I’m quitting Rust. All the pro youtubers are quitting Rust because the devs are so fucking dumb. They have no idea what they’re doing and they aren’t even listening to the community. Everyone knows Rust was perfect and complete in 2016 and it’s just horrible now. Everybody knows it. You though. YOU don’t even exist. Fucking fake roleplayer. Fuck you for having fun. Fuck you for enjoying a game. This isn’t a game, this is where I am a powerful, powerful man. A huge man. I hate the words you use and the way you say them, motherfucker. You’re so fucking dumb and I’m a god damn genius. Fucking kill yourself. I’m done.

By the way try out my NSFW discord channel, the porn stream of three second moneyshot clips will make you stop watching all other TV and movies. Really hard to get people in a discord. Also join my clan. It’s just impossible to get a clan together these days because people will just betray you. What? You’re watching fucking Blue Velvet? You fucking AUTIST. It is 2017 for fuck’s sake! Who watches anything aside from porn? I’m thinking of saving up $10,000 for a suicide sex party with a few hookers so I can at least die happy as a certified non-virgin. I mean, it is a horrible world after all and there’s no point to living anymore.

Misunderstood serial killer ‘indignant’ after he is mistakenly identified as a rapist

Preconceived notions of what it means to “look like a rapist” are being challenged in the Virginia State Supreme Court after admitted serial killer Victor Champ was apprehended by police in yet another case of mistaken identity, and having to go before dozens of police lineups following a rash of sexual assaults around college campuses in the Southeastern US.

It was embarrassing… humiliating… and sick.

  • Victor “Angel of Death” Champ, known serial killer

“Just because you might think I’m dressed like I want to rape somebody doesn’t doesn’t make it my fault when police stop me as I’m skulking around town,” Champ said. “What I do with my body is my choice, and I should not have to feel ashamed for wearing blood on my clothes, learning people’s habits, and sitting for hours in a van parked outside your house.”

A murderer calling himself Vince said there is no safe space where a murderer can openly be himself anymore.

Serial killer looking sad because he was mistaken for a rapist
“I just want by life back.” – Marvin Brooks, mass murderer

“We used to meet up at Pop’s Chocolate Shop on the third Tuesday of every month for ice cream sundaes,” Vince, who asked that his first name not be given, told Internet Chronicle on Thursday. “I would eat Victor’s cherries, because he couldn’t eat cherries.”

That’s when police began to notice the men. “We were just killing people in our spare time, doing our thing, having coffee together in the evenings,” Champ said. “But now it’s late at night. We’re stalking neighborhoods.”

A haggard and mangy bum whom Richmond locals call ‘Brooks’ said he knows when he is being profiled, and blames police prejudice for Champ’s recent mistreatment. Brooks says it isn’t fair how police believe all scraggly, cold-eyed men everywhere, wearing dirty clothes in cul-de-sacs are there to commit violent sex crimes.

“My god, we aren’t rapists!” Brooks said. “We were looking for murder victims. What do you think, I’m some kind of animal? No, man, I kill middle-aged businessmen who are on their way back home from the gym, and are too tired to put up a struggle, and later I mail pieces of their bodies to their family members over long periods of time. Okay, so please, spare me your judgment.”

Out of 25 police departments contacted for this story, none would respond but the Richmond Police Department, who most recently misapprehended Champ, the “Angel of Death” serial killer responsible for the murders and disappearances of more than 60 people from Alabama, Texas and Arkansas. RPD released a statement refusing to name the offending officer, adding only that the matter is being investigated internally, and they will punish anyone found fucking up or whatever, definitely. Just chill.

Donald Trump Impeached

Bill O’Reilly met with Internet Chronicle Reporters in a subarctic Canadian casino resort. “Yeah I have a timeshare,” O’Reilly said, “This place’ll be real nice in thirty years while the rest of you bake off.”

Today legislators moved forward with articles of impeachment against President Donald Trump, citing obstruction of justice in his firing of James Comey. This makes Donald Trump the only president to be impeached after Bill Clinton.

Many supporters on Facebook have been posting photos of the skies, with some feeling swindled by the persistence of the weather modifying programs known as Chemtrails. Others are growing angry that Trump has not been able to destroy ISIS yet, or repeal Obamacare. Now a group of psychiatrists are warning the world that the daily media firestorms and the “suppressive-repressive style” of their reporting has caused severe psychotic breaks among tens of thousands of people watching Fox News. The frightening dissociation incidents are known by psychiatrists as Fox Syndrome, because most affected people are found drooling and twitching by loved ones with Fox News on in the corner of the room.

In an exclusive interview attained by chance on a three hour ferry to Prince Edward Island Resort and Casino, retired sexual harasser at Fox News, Bill O’Reilly, met with Internet Chronicle Reporters to share world-shattering political revelations about what’s going on at Fox as well as Donald Trump’s removal from power, which he assured would come sooner rather than later.

O’Reilly spoke in a conversational voice only slightly less bombastic than his on-air persona, “Nixon did nothing wrong, and Donald Trump has done even less. They’ll get Trump one way or another. I’m retired so I can say this now. I think his goose is cooked. The media’s just too powerful. And the deep state, too. Trust me, I am glad to be out of things. So glad.”

O’Reilly sighed in long-deserved relief, but continued in agitation, “Fox has lost its God Damn mind. Fuck it feels great to swear! And Hannity. You know he hates it when I swear. Every day I’m watching him with a bit of a smirk because he’s torching his own career with almost every word. But a lot of people are. The truth is that these ‘fake news’ guys are winning because the Republicans can’t act decisively. Trump can’t do anything but betray everyone, and it was only a matter of time before they found out. We promised everyone ponies and now it’s one big death panel, one big firing panel like The Apprentice.”

“A lot of people have the idea that the Democrats are just mentally ill, stupid, and you wanna know what? That’s marketing. We’re making Republicans feel smart so we can swindle them. It’s a big racket, like a TV church. That’s the Trump presidency. He’ll be healing people with his touch before the rich boys in control of the government shell out another cent of healthcare. And we pushed it way too far, obviously. It’s making people sick, it’s making them stupid. What we did was wretched and you wouldn’t believe the scientific precision we put into manipulating people. Now they’re going to die.”

Roanoke Valley “not happy” about Fidget Spinners

“I’m gonna shank ya’!” Nemelka told reporters. “And I’ll shank beanie babies, I’ll shank Pogs, I’ll shank Babymetal. I just don’t like ANYTHING new anymore.”

INTERNET — The recent toy craze sweeping the nation, Fidget Spinners, are making waves across the nation as children and adults happily spin away. However, there’s big trouble in Roanoke’s Fidget Spinner Scene. After a wave of fidget gang stabbing incidents, local schools banned fidget spinners altogether.

Scowling at the mere mention of a fidget spinner, Joseph S. Nemelka of Roanoke, Virginia, told reporters, “I hate ’em. Just so dumb,” as he flipped his butterfly knife out for the cameras, brandishing it threateningly at one reporter.

“Now here’s a real toy. Or how about a yoyo? I ain’t gonna cut someone with a yoyo. Takes a little bit of skill. But if I see one more fidget spinner –” Mr. Nemelka broke off his speech as he recoiled in abject disgust, accidentally slicing his hand as he clenched what turned out to be an illegal double edged bali-song.

Wielding his fidgey — as the youth have taken to calling their new toys — Gem L. Fetch of Roanoke smiled and winked for cameras. Rolling the toy around his hand in an incomprehensible sleight of hand that took no effort, Fetch conducted his interview like a perfect gentleman. When asked about the crazed butterfly knife gangs stabbing his friends, Fetch said he wasn’t afraid. “They’re always so worked up about nothin’ and cuttin’ themself up like that. They only get us on accident. If you ask me they’re just fidgey heads.”

Joseph S. Nemelka was arrested on the scene for disturbing the peace, possession of a restricted weapon, and attempted assault. Nemelka’s lawyer Hyrum L. Robertson was reached for comment and e-mailed reporters at the Internet Chronicle a single line, “The Fake News Media will pay for its lies, one day!”

BARRON TRUMP ASSASSINATED BY KATHY GRIFFIN

A japanese Zero targets Fukushima Nuclear Plant as the Imperial Japanese Army of WW2 seeks dominion over spacetime

Rosie’s rivets held together as Amelia Earhart jammed the controls forward, tipping her Electra into an evasive dive as the Japanese Zero ripped through a hole in spacetime, firing its 20mm cannon projectile which tumbled on the edge of the cockpit and evaporated Fred Noonan.

The wreckage of the Electra would be combed over by Japanese engineers who faithfully reproduced its light economy in designing the devestating Zero fighter. A little-known and barely published scientist, the late Dr. Yoshiko Irakawa, had at the turn of the century designed a powerful spacetime zipper through which future technologies would be repeatedly stolen over the course of seven centuries, enabling the global dominion of future Japanese people over the entire planet.

“That’s smart,” said Barron Trump Jr., Energy Czar of the Japanese Mineral Concern of North America. “Grab Amelia by the Pussy! …And to the Fake Vandals, painting images of Rosie the Riveter…” The music on the 1984 machine controlled your mind, “You’re Fired!”

All the women in North America, even Ivanka and Melania Junior, were then sent to a horrible concentration camp and forced to wear the full Islamic veil, just as the Liberals always wanted. Then they were repeatedly inseminated and forced to abort in an attempt to harvest the rape hormones for sale as a masturbation aid for the remaining men. Shower chemicals melted away everything but the sex organs, which were then marketed on Babymaker, an app hailed as the Uber of Men Goin’ Their Own Way, ushering in a world composed of a single gender — yet totally nohomo.

Barron Trump Junior fell in the ground in paroxysms, triggered, as hackers forced his computer to display Kathy Griffin holding the beheaded Trump I, patriarch and maker of the Dank New World. How did she murder Daddy? The Irakawa Zipped open and Kathy Griffin sliced off Barron Trump Jr.’s head and poured gasoline all over the oval office. Before the time zipper closed, Kathy Griffin kissed her bicep and winked for an audience that wasn’t there.