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Blizzard Entertainment shoots Hong Kong protester at point-blank range

From the churning maw of Lebal Drocer, comes

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The following portion of this article is brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer, Inc., the first multinational corporation to be granted personhood, and the only company that capitulated to China, before it was cool.

Gamer-Gator News:

[insert image of woman-hating alligator]

Blizzard Entertainment shoots Hong Kong protester at point-blank range

Hearthstone “too boring” but “not shitty” enough for Chinese markets, critics warn.

HONG KONG–Scenes of violence played out across Hong Kong Tuesday as anti-government protesters fought for independence from China on the country’s 70th anniversary. Hong Kong has been under a condition of civil unrest for more than four months, after China announced dibs on the unique city, which spent much of its history living in a more civilized manner while under British colonial rule. Blizzard joins the ranks of Google and Facebook as the NBA sweethearts of the People’s Republic of China.

Blitzchung, an 18-year-old protester, was killed execution-style with a snubnose .38 revolver discharged by a top executive at the California-based videogame company Blizzard Entertainment, while exchanges of tear gas and moo-shu cocktails took place around the city’s 13 districts. Blizzard entertainment is the video game giant behind StarCraft, World of Warcraft, and Hearthstone.

During Blizzard’s official broadcast of the Asia-Pacific Grandmasters competition, the now-executed Blitzchung appeared in a post-match interview wearing a gas mask. As the broadcast ended, Blitzchung shouted “Liberate Hong Kong, revolution of our age,” as the hapless and irresponsible Blizzard newscasters ineffectually hid from Blitzchung’s message behind their hollow desk. They were subsequently stripped of all clothing and fired into space as an integral component in the latest testing of China’s Long March 11.

Broadcasters tried, fruitlessly, to hide from the Broverlord.

Blizzard Entertainment is now at the center of controversy after the public learned of its pivotal role in the violent and murderous suppression of dissent from Hong Kong protestors. Blizzard’s retribution to critics has been swift and merciless including toxic gas, sonic assault beacons, and privatized robot police squads to patrol Hong Kong, as well as a billion dollar tax-deductible write-off to the CIA front, non-profit Video Games Free Asia.

Now that freedom and democracy threaten Blizzard’s standing with the People’s Republic of China, Blizzard CEO Michael Morhaime told reporters over a hot, smoking revolver, “This time, the bullshit is done”.

Morhaime threatened to crush opposition to the People’s Republic of China, and swore a solemn oath to protect both born and unborn video game consumers at a solemn ritual in the South China Sea. This historic ultimatum was heralded by a deep, honeyed foghorn and the detonation of a distant tactical nuke, which pierced through the smog of China’s forbidden media market, a final beacon of lost hope and freedom.

“If you think Blitzchung was bad, you ain’t seen nothing yet,” Morhaime said. “We have just executed the first of many protesters we intend to shoot who would dare defy the mechanical purity of Hearthstone. Why, when I’m finished with Hong Kong, they’ll be calling me Michael Moreharm!”

Raleigh Sakers abuses his caregiver.
Raleigh Sakers abuses his caregivers, even while they are helping him.

But Michael “Moreharm,” as he’s now known on Chinese Social Media Weibo, isn’t the only billionaire trying to horn in on the trillions of potential Chinese consumers. Eccentric thrillionaire and Lebal Drocer CEO Raleigh T. Sakers said millions of Chinese have knelt at his feet, licking the boots of pig officers and chewing on still-smoking rubber bullets.

“But that’s alright by me,” Raleigh says. “I like my boots clean. Now lay down and chew that toy, dog.”

“They’re people just like you and me,” Raleigh said. “Me? I name my people. This one’s a Chinaman, but–you guessed it–I call him José. José why don’t you come here, son, let me tuck your shirt in for you.”

Come here, son, let me tuck your shirt in for you.

Raleigh T. Sakers, Lebal Drocer, Inc.

Sakers makes sport of his Chinese workers, flipping their noses, forcing them to play fetch, fucking their wives–he says it keeps him young.

Videogame expert and Kotaku journalist Heather Marsh, who wrote her own Wikipedia article, said, “Blizzard might have an Ace up its sleeve now that Hearthstone is doomed to dessication and the permanent taint of murderous dictatorship. They are about to unleash a Chinese-only mobile augmented reality environment based around gamifying crypto-microtransactions with artificial rarity in micro-economies. It’s like Pokemon Go, only more costly and addictive.”

Dr. Troubadour, trusted researcher and Chinese futurist, said it could be just what the company needs to parlay the global backlash into huge dividends.

“Even the true die-hard fans will eagerly pre-order Blizzard’s upcoming release, Dissent Crush Saga. And considering Trump’s plan to weaken the dollar, every investment in China is worth ten times an investment in the West.”

Raleigh says that’s just great. Moreharm says watch out, fuckbois: Blizzard gon’ keep your prize winnings, and take what China give ’em, too! Dr. Troubadour, as you’ll recall, gave you cheetahs.

Cheetah Mogul is a proud beast of elegant efficiency, and he courses within your veins like a ghost in the shell, designing the world not as it “really is” but as YOU perceive it.

“Yeah, we thought you’d like that.”

Cheetah Mogul is brought to you intelligently by the Internet Chronicle: Where your dreams become reality.

CHRONICLE.SU IS A LEBAL DROCER PRODUCTION. ANY ATTEMPT TO REPRODUCE THESE MATERIALS BY CREATING COPY, SIMULATION, OR MENTION IN YOUR MIND WILL BE INTERPRETED AS AN ACT OF AGGRESSION, TAKING PLACE WITH OR WITHOUT DR. TROUBADOUR’S PATENTED CHEETAH BLOOD ENHANCEMENT, LEAVING YOU OPEN TO CIVIL SUIT, INJURY, OR DEATH.

“I am the one who controls the sun.”

–The Lebal Drocer Promise (Hussein 14:27 Beautiful Babies, verse 9)*

*[Full text: Sed ut perspiciatis unde omnis iste natus error sit voluptatem accusantium doloremque laudantium, totam rem aperiam, eaque ipsa quae ab illo inventore veritatis et quasi architecto beatae vitae dicta sunt explicabo.]

In other news

President Trump accused the FBI of falling behind in high-profile civil rights assassinations

Mark Zuckerberg comes forward with new information on Hunter Biden

Secret Court: Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, Syphillis infections hit new highs in one man’s pants

California becomes first state to allow intentional HIV infections

Group of teen girls kidnapped after setting trap for California pedophile

More than 340 elves will be out of work before Christmas

Louis CK convicted of harassing Parkland victims’ families

China state TV heralds Internet Chronicle: ‘it is a bastion of prosperity’

A dog saved his owner from a devastating housefire by continuously nagging him to change the batteries in a smoke detector

Jerry Falwell Jr. suspected of “raping angels”

Vape Crisis: more than 100 people are under supervision after looking like severe douchebags

Works Cited

Anti-Leader’s Handbook

Cheetah Mogul Methodology and Research Manual, Vol. II (Lebal Drocer Press)

Lebal Drocer BOOK OF PROVERBS (TM)

chronicle.su

President Trump: “Hillary Server” was used to hide communications with Epstein

Donald Trump tried to get Epstein off the hook in exchange for help in evading the Mueller Report

INTERNET — In an exclusive tip, Internet Chronicle reporters learned that the Anonymous whistleblower at the heart of the President Trump’s latest scandal is none other than “QAnonymous,” an intelligence agent with the highest levels of security clearance. The Anonymous tipster, who claimed to be a personal friend of ‘Q’, also told Internet Chronicle reporters an explosive detail: Trump has referred to the now infamous national security computer system as his “Hillary Server,” and used it to hide hundreds of documents from the public. Included on Trump’s “Hillary Server” are several lurid phone call transcripts between the President and Jeffrey Epstein.

Before evidence against Epstein’s pedophile ring reached the general public — thanks to the diligent efforts of ‘Q’ and his online army of supporters, President Trump was meeting in secret with Epstein and his personal lawyer, Alan Dershowitz, discussing an arrangement by which Trump could pull strings to get the billionaire pedophile a “sweetheart deal” in exchange for help dodging the Mueller Investigation. At that time, even ‘Q’ wasn’t aware of Trump’s “Hillary Server,” and dismissed connections between Epstein and Trump like most intelligent people. However, after ‘Q’ gained knowledge of and access to the “Hillary Server,” a crisis of conscience caused him to file the whistleblower complaint.

Using a voice-changer to hide his identity, Q’s personal friend told Internet Chronicle, “Now I know as well as anyone that there’s no comms outside the boards, but ‘Q’ said this was The Storm. And I mean that, The Storm. I am not talking for him, and you’ll hopefully hear more from him on this soon, but this was just too important, too earth-shaking for me to keep to myself. ‘Q’ was practically doxed by the New York Times, and I fear for his life. I can assure you, The Storm is Here. Right Now. This is IT!

Adding to the explosive claims, the tipster said, “It took three years for the elite globalist pedophile cabal to compromise Trump, but it looks like they finally got to him. Saw something on the Hillary Server about a deepfake piss tape, they held his ass over a barrel and had no choice. As for me and ‘Q’ you don’t have to worry. Give me Liberty or give me Death!”

Zelenskiy: Ukraine Thankful for Javelin Missiles, but War on Biden requires Bunker Busters

The President of Ukraine is certain that Javelin Missiles are not needed, but welcome in the hunt for Joe Biden

President fans, cowering in their refugee-like encampment at Mar-A-Lago, celebrated as Trump announced there will be no Hamberders today, not even a cup of Covfefe. His tired vocal strains echoed through the Florida heat, “The dems have served over 1,000 nothingberders, so that’s what Patriots will eat today.” The cheers from fans lacked all enthusiasm, tired from years of strain. “We need to look into Barack Obama’s fake birth certificate, Hillary’s e-mails, and Joe Biden. I hereby announce that Nancy Pelosi is no longer Speaker of the House.”

“What did Joe Biden do again? Who’s the new speaker?” one President fan asked another. Rudy Giuliani’s spine snapped like a whip, and he barked at the confused man, “Shut up! SHUT UP! I’ll SUE you for LIBEL.”

Meanwhile on Capitol Hill, Democrat Representatives milled around their lobbies in anxiety, wringing their wrinkled greedy hands and asking themselves, “Is this impeachment stuff really going to please the paymasters?” Nancy Pelosi was seen crying in the halls, “But I wanted to be Speaker of the House! This isn’t FAIR.”

Meanwhile, under extreme duress and possibly drugged with some powerful barbiturate by President Trump’s goons, Ukraine’s President Zelenskiy announced that the hunt for Joe Biden is making headway, after confusion about the tit-for-tat agreement with Donald Trump. “We thought we had to kill Biden in exchange for the Javelin missile systems, but it turns out that was a mistake. Now we’re just killing him out of our own goodwill, and the Javelin missile systems are pretty great too.”

The Javelin missile system, which uses an advanced homing device, rockets high into the sky before screaming towards the earth at targets, such as battle tanks, whose armor are only designed to withstand projectiles launched on a horizontal trajectory. According to weaponry expert Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, “None of the Bidens can withstand a direct or indirect hit from the Javelin Missile System, nor can they escape it once it’s been launched, so their best bet is to hide underground in a guerilla tunnel network much like Tora-Bora.” However, talks are already underway as Ukraine seeks to procure Bunker Buster bombs to win the War on Biden.