How ugly sinners are ruining Heaven for Good Christian People

In Heaven, the people we love end up hurting us the most.

Because God loves you!

Saint Peter has cast more babies into the yawning mouths of Satan than he can remember, so he uses a ledger.
Saint Peter has cast more babies into the yawning mouths of Satan than he can remember, so he uses a ledger.

Heaven, once believed to be a land of endless smiles and permanent happiness, could be the final nightmarish conclusion to a life lived in clean Christian purity, according to a new study published by Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, who is a lead researcher at the Lebal Drocer Institute of Theology at Harvard University.

“You probably think of Heaven as a place where you get to chill out for all eternity with the people you love. That’s what we, at the school, thought too,” Troubadour said. “As it turns out, the people we love are flawed sinners who break the commandments, which – as you know – is punishable by eternity in Hell, where they are tortured, humiliated, and burned forever. And while I know that sounds badass, in reality it is intensely, emotionally painful for people in Heaven, separated from their loved ones.”

The absence of cherished sinners creates a ‘sterile’ Heaven devoid of pets, unbaptized babies, and cool uncles. According to Troubadour’s research, the whiplash from expectation to reality shocks the souls of even the bravest soldiers of God, as they enter the Pearly Gates only to discover the unrepentant sinners they love will not, in fact, walk beside them in the Kingdom of Heaven.

“If you go to Heaven and you’re looking for your son, but you can’t find him, he is probably paying for his sins for all eternity,” Troubadour said. “Angels are rubbing your shoulders, telling you how good you look, and driving you back and forth from the spa to church. Meanwhile, Timmy is getting molested by the Devil in Hell. Knowing this makes enjoying Heaven very difficult.”

Troubadour’s research into the afterlife uncovered gruesome details about Hell more Hellish than previously imagined, which is why Troubadour recommends baptizing babies as early as possible by giving water birth into a baptistery. He suggests either redefining your allegiances and forgetting about all the sinful loved ones whose indiscretions hurt snowflake Lord Jesus, or wallow in grief – in Heaven – because you still love your family.

“Alternatively,” Troubadour explained, “You could choose not to baptize your child, and when you get to Heaven, rest easy knowing your sinful, ugly, blasphemous baby is one of billions suffering as they deserve in the deepest, most hateful, unrelenting bowels of Hell as waves of fire wash over them, burning their tiny, helpless bodies, and stinging them with an undertow of dirty heroin needles and poisonous box jellyfish.”

Troubadour said because of population growth, Hell has been forced to expand torture operations to “an industrial scale.” Now, traincars carrying babies through Hell stop for one of only two reasons: either to add more unbaptized babies, or dump all the sinful babies into hot, hungry furnaces of fire and brimstone, which burn hotter, and brighter, and more intensely with every abortion, stillbirth, and incident of SIDS. Hot damn!

“Heaven sucks because of the sinners in Hell. Think about that before deciding to go to Heaven.” –Dr. Troubadour

YouTube Rust Star Vice Dead at 21

Helk is impressed by Poob’s megazerg

INTERNET — Rust YouTuber ‘Vice’ was found by his landlord Friday evening, deceased from apparent drowning in his bathtub. Authorities have ruled out foul play, but the coroner’s office has not officially declared a cause of death.

This tragic death comes on the heels of Vice’s release of what some gaming critics are calling “the most painful fail since Leeroy Jenkins,” ending with a massive official servers ban for hundreds of his YouTube fans.

Hoping to prove his skill at Rust, Vice took his YouTube building exploits to the legendary US EAST Facepunch 2 server to see if these tricks could help him hang with the “big boys” of Rust fame, such as BChillz and Lifestomper. Vice formed the “Chad” clan on Rust, and suggested the Chads were the largest clan ever assembled.

However, their claims are in dispute from Poob, CEO of Poob’s Pipe n’ Poob Tavern, whose practically unraidable bases have withstood an astounding amount of all-out hacker assaults over the course of many, many wipes on East 2. Poob told reporters, “thay just hate us cause they anus.”

Noted on the developer’s blog, and once visited and congratulated by Rust God Helk for his great compound, Poob has also created his own Rust-based cryptocoin, ‘poobcoin’. Poob’s is not even the only megazerg to go hard for a whole wipe on East 2. The wipe before Vice’s fake megazerg flopped, “The Village” walled in the entire Junkyard, gaining uncontested chinook drops until the end of wipe.

In the infamous video documenting “The Rise and Fall of the 100 Man Clan,” [that never rose] Vice can be seen aiming at heli using a silenced custom and not even leading, as well as doing a 10 man offline eoka raid on an empty 2×2 and a wood door with no room behind it. His team is entirely mowed down by a few attackers many times, but they are always saved at the last second when his hacker picks up a gun and goes spinbot.  Lead developer Errrrn told Vice he was a bad boy who broke the rules, and won’t be getting any special treatment even with his ever-expanding ego. Some have suggested that Vice being spurned by Errrrn may have contributed to or even wholly constituted his final, tragic meltdown.

While many fans, obviously shaken by grief, have tried to excuse Vice of this miserable video and say that the game or its makers have made it impossible to live the dream of a gigantic clan on Rust, many are insisting that Vice was a fraud who was just terrible at Rust and couldn’t handle it.

Video game suicide expert Dr. Troubador told reporters, “His fantasy was brutally, brutally crushed, so he transferred this energy into the rehabilitation of an old abandoned idea, the Rusty Pirates custom map server. Moments before his death, Vice could be seen mangling his way through a new Rustedit map like an abject noob, making a river that defies all known laws of hydrodynamics just to fit a senseless whim. It was just sad to watch.”

Building expert and East 2 veteran Kilgoar, who has wiped many megazergs using “insane” trap bases said, “His bases are okay, but it’s all flash and too focused on some imaginary transcendental perfection rather than the needs of the moment. Like if Petrarch was a gamer. A guy in my clan, FrostyFlamez, that motherfucker assembled an equally big clan on his first wipe just by making friends with people. Their crazy YouTube base didn’t last long but at least they didn’t get insided by my homeboys. Anyway, I’ve seen dogs that are better gamers than Vice. As a builder it disgusts me to see that crap constantly upheld as a good example to follow. Every moment of that video was painful, and the fact that he wanted to start his own server on account of his own incompetence and because he got all these people banned for cheating is just not facing the facts. Well, it didn’t have to end like this. RIP in pieces, Vice. And thanks for the LOOT!”

Dr. Troubador added, “I’ve seen it before, but never on a YouTuber level. The desperation, the cut-throat attitude with nothing to back it up. He thinks he’s amazing at a game because he can make a great video and figure out a few exploits. He’s not. This kind of cheating is the worst display I’ve ever seen in any game, anywhere. His shame must have been bottomless, that’s why he outed himself in the video, he’s trying to overcome insecurity. Many of his most loyal fans were banned from the most hallowed server because of his ill judgment. Sad! Some of the slaves ought to get off the hook for getting mesmerized by a YouTube star. Obviously his bases were metaphors for his psychic shell and all his hangups. Well, in the end he got the ultimate banhammer that he psychologically needed, but he needn’t have acted it out except in ritual or in symbol. A base that was turned outwards and played fair, rather than one that transgressed inwards. Start at the start rather than the finish. The true tragedy is that all this could have been a great coming of age moment, but it was WASTED!

FDA approves powerful new opioid for jazz musicians

Immediately following the government reopening, the FDA reportedly gave “emergency approval” to a powerful new opioid for jazz musicians whose deep souls are in deeper pain.

The profound words on this page will have you crumbin’ for Dr. Troubadour’s new medicine for the soul, Miles fuckin Gravis, a totally bomb-ass way for you and your boys to

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Take the 27 Challenge!

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An opiate-wary audience is considered out of reach to marketing pedagogues, so Purdue has teamed up with Lebal Drocer Inc to run a cheap little sweepstakes, called the 27 Challenge.

The first 10,000 musicians to die with Miles Gravis still in their systems will be entered into a contest to be immortalized in the 27 Club  as the posterchild and lead tragedy for Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals (runner-ups play sideman!)

”I’m Phil Buckman, and opioids have ravaged the town I grew up in, killed my friends and family, and robbed a generation of stability. It will work for YOU, too!”

The Internet Chronicle is wholly, totally complicit in their scheme and shamelessly promoting it here. And what are you gonna do about it?

I’m Raleigh T. Sakers, and I triple-dog dare you to ask me to stop — Hate Radio, 2019

We’re all getting older, and we’re gonna damn die someday.

Pour a little Miles Gravis on that misery and watch in painless amazement as the newest drug from Lebal Drocer creates the smoothest, trippiest, psychedelic jazz you NEVER heard.

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