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Jim Watkins, Founder of QAnon, Dead at 58

INTERNET — Fans mourn the loss of QAnon Founder Jim Watkins who was found dead in his Manila apartment Monday after an apparent overdose of Fentanyl. This comes just weeks after investigators found Watkins’ “digital footprint” on the latest Q Drop, proving beyond all doubt that Jim Watkins was controlling QAnon’s official narrative.

Watkins is survived by his son, Ron, who posted a Tik-Tok video  saying, “Dad was a guiding light of chan communities. He started a whole culture with 2chan and took it to its final, most free form with 8chan. Today is truly a tragic moment for my family, but also for Liberty.”

Ron drew a katana from his back and flashed it for viewers, “I will avenge my father with this blade, which was passed to me from my grandfather, and to him from his grandfather, for 18 generations. I will carry the flame of 2chan and 8chan onwards and one day, I might fill his shoes.”

Authorities investigating the death are open to the idea of homicide,  but not committed to anything yet. “Fentanyl is the most poisonous substance known to man, capable of killing a full grown adult like Mr. Watkins, even if he just brushed up against it, and considering the news about Q, we are definitely investigating this as a homicide,” said Chief O’Brien Sallisaw, “And trust me, there is going to be sex trafficking, child abuse, SWATtings, doxings, blackmail, and everything you’ve come to expect from these shitty chan web sites.”

QAnon supporter and former colleague of the deceased, Joshua Moon, told reporters, “Well I just believed no comms off the boards always meant Q could be trusted, but it turns out Jim just wanted to control the narrative.”

Moon stressed that the movement still wasn’t over, now that its voice was so thoroughly and completely discredited, saying with absolute  conviction, “What we built was real, we’ve learned a great lesson, and Q will go on in a newer, better form. Trump is the only true savior, forget about Q. The storm is still coming, one day.”


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Donald Trump’s death ruled accidental blunt force trauma

INTERNET — Fans mourn the loss of former President Donald Trump, who was found dead at the bottom of a staircase at his imperial suite in Mar-A-Lago, Florida. President Trump is warmly remembered for hundreds of firings as the host of the reality television show The Apprentice, his brand of top quality Angus beef steaks, and his appearance in Home Alone 2: Lost in New York.

Coroner Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador told reporters, “He wasn’t too healthy to begin with, and we found him at the bottom of the stairs with bruises all over his body after he suffered a cardiac arrest.”

When asked about any indications of foul play, Dr. Troubador told reporters, “If there was any foul play involved here, it was the criminal amounts of sodium and fat in the fast food diet that Trump was living on for so many decades.”

Fans and haters across the nation gathered for vigils and protests which erupted into confrontations, violence, and the desecration of sacred memorials.

QAnon founder Jim Watkins was arrested with his son Ron Watkins at the Arlington National Cemetery moments after a failed attempt to extinguish the eternal flame at the grave of President John F. Kennedy.

Witnesses said the elder Watkins stretched his arms to the sky and screamed, “The storm is upon us!” as lighting blasted across the Washington DC skyline. Watkins fell to his knees where he began shuddering and mumbling, “JFK! Q++! 4, 10, 20, CLOWNS! Pres is not dead, I repeat, Q+ is not dead!”

The younger Watkins’ eyes grew wide with surprise as he announced to onlookers, “He has channeled the voice of Q, the authentic voice of Q! Glory, Glory! Trump lives!”


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Kilgoar missing from site after Elon Musk purchases Internet Chronicle

Known genius “kilgoar” has been missing for a short time, and is assumed dead.

INTERNET—After more than three days, authorities have called off the manhunt for kilgoar, as he is assumed dead.

#ForgetKilgoar is trending on Twitter by adherents to Musk brand of nihilism as militia group Muskrats calls for his head on a stake.

Friends and family insist the Internet Chronicle journalist “kilgoar” is still alive, and authorities have hope his remains can be

Kilgoar is gone. Elon Musk bought Chronicle. He is bouncing me on his knee.

Who is kilgoar, anyway?