President Biden dead at 81

INTERNET — President Biden was rushed from his Delaware campaign headquarters to Walter Reed Medical Center Monday evening, after what a White House spokesperson called a “medical emergency.” President Biden passed away shortly after being placed on ventilator, presumably due to respiratory failure. The American military mourns the loss of their commander-in-chief, with flags across the nation flying at half staff.

Vice President Kamala Harris has been sworn into office during an emergency flight to Washington DC aboard Air Force One.

President Harris has ordered an end to the genocide in Gaza and the war in Ukraine, and promised to de-schedule psilocybin mushrooms and ketamine so that they’ll be more available for traumatized citizens. Harris announced, “We’ve got a lot of people with PTSD due to all these wars, and we’re going to make sure they can get some real medicine that actually works.”

President Biden was diagnosed with COVID-19, Wednesday, although critical billionaire activist Elon Musk noted the convenience of his sickness and inevitable death, “You want to hide the truth from the people? Well I know better. They killed Biden in a coup! This is a hostile takeover and they’ll never let Trump win. I’ve seen their plans. They’ve got a whole binder full of mass shooters lined up to take him out, but we will resist as best we can, using our inexhaustible high tech resources. We are Anonymous. We do not forgive. We do not forget. Expect us.”


Joshua Moon melts down as rumors of an FBI investigation into Kiwi Farms heats up

INTERNET — Joshua Moon was banned from X on the D-Day anniversary after insulting veterans and the freedoms they fought to protect. Moon’s company Final Solutions LLC operates Kiwi Farms, an internet gossip site known for abandoning all responsibility in publishing. So long as the material isn’t criminal, he’ll publish it.

The loss of this X account dealt Null a mortal blow, and he’s been posting about buying the same make and model of pistol that lowtax, the former owner operator of Something Awful used to end himself. However, he’s written in a now-deleted post that he’s just angry, not depressed, and in full control over the choice between these two emotions.

In complete turmoil following his ban from Elon Musk’s free speech platform, Null’s staged a theatrical self-castration for his gaggle of half-literate teenage fans, dubbing himself the “gigavictim.” He’s emoted deeply that his self-sacrificing efforts to make a change in the internet are all in vain, and any pretense of activism or reform have left his mind. What remains of this cockless former man is only “speech terrorism.” This is, no doubt, a reference to his continued writing of crappy essays rather than any of the milquetoast edgeposting on his extreme gossip forum.

Republican representative Marjorie Taylor Green said that the Kiwi Farms website should not be allowed to exist. Donald Trump and Joe Biden have yet to comment, but the overwhelming bipartisan determination is that this website is wrong. The one lawyer in America who came out to support Kiwi Farms before a later disavowal is the now disgraced YouTuber Nick Rekieta, who was definitely smoking something at the time.

Moon rants on Kiwi Farms about how even “free speech” oriented providers will not do business with him. Laughably, the Australian Vincent Zhen, a provider for the site, was so irresponsible as to no-show for a lawsuit and lose $400,000 on the basis of simply providing services to Moon. Civil suits have been a persistent issue for Moon, and now the FBI is closing in as well. Even Google is telling him, in automated messages, that his account has been turned over as evidence. The FBI toolkit of broad-reaching criminal charges is likely to find something, anything, and finally end the stupidity. Maybe Moon’s even involved in the Daniel Larson case, a homeless man who was trolled into pulling fire alarms, n-bombing strangers, and ultimately streaming bomb threats targeting investigating FBI agents.

I hopped onto Kiwi Farms and confronted Moon, who as far as I can tell is trying his damnedest to make as much case law against a free and open internet as possible. He claims to be a warrior for the freedom of speech, and yet his actions and comments indicate that he actually hates freedom.

Taking up the pitiful cowed posture of half-defeated Palpatine, Null is ready to zap down his next unwary victim. The lawsuit against Zhen, the public pressure on network infrastructure, it is not a great direction for internet freedom. Yet these precedents are a legacy that will long outlast Kiwi Farms, and gigavictim Moon is the one to blame. While funny, the chronicles of the life of Chris-Chan will not make or break humanity, and are not worth such sacrifice. Perhaps others will be zapped like Zhen, and Moon will continue with his website. But this late in the game, it sure doesn’t look like it. In fact, it’s a wonder he’s got so far.

Alas, a trans vine of thorns wrapped itself around Moon’s esophagus and his brokeass pendulum just wouldn’t swing. I was banned from Kiwi Farms and received no response. Let the coward’s effigy hang forever as a blood payment, sweethearts: Freedom ain’t free


Whistleblower: Donald Trump’s “porn addiction” concerned Secret Service

INTERNET — Former Trump administration White House staffer, Lisa Thornby, told reporters Friday that Donald Trump has been hiding a wide-ranging and outrageous porn addiction for decades, as well as financial and creative involvement in the production of scores of lewd videos.

Trump’s recent conviction for hush money payments to Stormy Daniels merely implies an ongoing habit of hiring pornstars as prostitutes, however, the depths of his porn addiction has not been fully realized until now.

“Donald not only hired pornstars as prostitutes, but regularly commissioned videos after purchasing a stake in BangBros through the Czech shell corporation, WGCZ S.R.O. I have provided all the classified documents which prove not only his ownership, but his personal involvement in the production of pornography and the Eastern European talent agency where he purchased his third wife, Melania. While in the oval office, President Trump was recorded masturbating to pornography over fifteen times in one day,” Thornby said, in what may have been her final words to the public.

Homeland security agents stormed the press briefing and Thornby was disappeared to an offshore military blacksite, most likely Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. Reporters and other accredited media personnel were detained over the weekend in federal facilities, with all devices and cameras confiscated or destroyed.

Internet Chronicle reporters, prepared for this eventuality, took advantage of an experimental neuralink photography app and captured imagery of the leaked documents, providing the public with its only insight into the Presidential candidate’s disturbing porn addiction.

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, pornography analyst, told reporters, “It’s an astounding and historic revelation for the pornography community, of course. Trump is credited in producing thirty-four films under the industry name ‘Cock McDonald,’ a reference to his favorite restaurant. I’ve reviewed all of these films, and the central theme is the sexualization of trickle down economics, ‘findom’ in the industry, with an emphasis on piss fetish and reverse cucking supermodel wives with younger women. They are fine power fantasies, if that’s your thing, and more or less what you’d expect out of Trump. I was actually surprised by the inclusion of black lesbians, who would occasionally overpower and cuck the leading man by stealing all his women and pissing on him.”

Gerald Holfries of Hot Springs Virginia said, “I’ve always been a huge fan of Cock McDonald, and now I’m even more proud of my pornography collection than ever. I’ve taken it out of my closet and put it in my living room. My wife says, ‘what about the children?’ And I tell her what I told them, that’s our president’s work. That’s history right there. Sometimes we put it on and watch it as a family.” Holfries added, breathing heavily, “And yeah, I whacked it to Stormy Daniels both before and after I voted. But this time, it’s definitely going to be Cock McDonald flicks.”

Aria Polarm of Hemsworth, Tennessee was distraught but resolute in her support of President Trump, saying, “So now I’ve got a choice between a porno director who jacks off a dozen times a day and a man who sniffs girl hair with a crackhead son. It’s a hard choice, but Trump is our only shot at a good leader. I just worry about the example he’s setting for my boys.”