INTERNET — Doctors report that popular podcaster Joe Rogan is now “permanently and totally infertile,” due to his use of Ivermectin to treat COVID-19.
“I won’t prescribe Ivermectin because the risk to male fertility is too high,” Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said. “It’s not very good for covid, either. Better to have been vaccinated ahead of time, and less risky, too. Or, if it’s too late, we’ve got that fetal stem cell therapy that saved Donald Trump’s life. It’s very powerful, although illegal in Texas.”
Rogan’s wife, Jessica, is heartbroken. “We’re devestated by this. We wanted to have so many more babies. Joe’s doing everything he can. Ice cubes, oysters, but they’re just not working. I just want everyone out there who thinks they can just log onto the internet and think they’re doctors, think again. The risk of Ivermectin is too high.”
INTERNET — Fans mourn the loss of Christine Weston Chandler AKA “Chris-Chan,” after she was found dead in a Henrico County jail cell from an apparent suicide. Chris Chan was misgendered and placed in the male section of the jail by the prison staff.
Chris-Chan rose to fame after creating Sonichu, a character which is a combination of video game icons Pikachu and Sonic.
Fans held a vigil outside of Chris-Chan’s residence in “CWCville.”
Frederika Dumont told reporters, “I am one hundred percent on this: They Epstein’d CPU Blueheart Sonichu [Chris-Chan] to prevent the dimensional merge. It was almost here but now the herald has been assassinated. We mourn not only for CPU Blueheart, but for the failure of the dimensional merger. Chris-Chan will live on, on the other side, inside of Sonichu’s immortal body.”
Followers of Chris-Chan considered the former body of Chris-Chan to be inhabited by a feminine manifestation of “Sonichu” known as CPU Blueheart. The arrival of CPU Blueheart was only the first setp in the merger of fiction and reality which will purge all evil out of this world.
“Sonichu just doesn’t understand this reality… She’s gone mad with power after entering into the body of such a famous person, and what happened with Barb, it was a misunderstanding,” Dumont said. “You try living inside of this dimension, and following its norms, after you’ve spent a millennia as the icon of a wish-fulfillment fantasy world!”
INTERNET — Thursday, the Anonymous hacker known only by the alias ‘Asshurt’ revealed damning documents that prove the popular so-called “Anonymous” twitter account YourAnonCentral is owned and operated by the Central Intelligence Agency.
“Even in their earliest internal e-mails you can see, they are laughing about calling themselves Your Anon Central, in reference to the Central Intelligence Agency,” Asshurt told reporters at the Internet Chronicle.
Work to release the documents through the same extremely careful redaction process followed by Edward Snowden is already underway at The Intercept. Asshurt has granted an exclusive interview to the Internet Chronicle.
Connecting with reporters over the most highly encrypted channel, Asshurt ripped a vape and cursed, “Fuck, I’ve always believed something was up with that account. All it does is tweet propaganda against United States adversaries and other filler content that has no relation to hacking or hactivism whatsoever. I’m just trying to protect the name of Anonymous.”
“I’m just trying to protect the name of Anonymous” – Asshurt
Details of the manifest for Operation Crucible, code name for CIA activities to utilize the Anonymous brand for propaganda furthering United States foreign policy, outlines a three-pronged approach. “Co-opt, Destabilize, and Command. The first stage, Co-opt, will appropriate the Anonymous imagery, create social media accounts and web sites trafficked by a majority of Anonymous fans. Once this is achieved, destabilize will cast doubt on non-CIA sources of Anonymous branded information. The final and important stage, command, will, in conjunction with the State Department, propagate materials and information beneficial to United States foreign policy.”
Psychological Operational Analyst Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador told the Internet Chronicle, “Operation Crucible, by all metrics, has been a wild success. Anons are more likely to hate China, Myanmar, Russia, and other competitors to United States hegemony, while simultaneously considering themselves to be revolutionary and radical thinkers. Yet as you can see, they’re only mere puppets of propaganda.”
SpartaZC, the alleged owner and operator of YourAnonCentral has not responded to inquiry.