axisflip cryptofinancial


“Sad and horrific”: Starving Internet Chronicle writer’s intestines were blocked by garbage

Roanoke, Va.—Roanoke wildlife officers had to euthanize a sick staff writer after receiving multiple calls from concerned residents in the Southwest region of the county.

During an autopsy, wildlife officers came across a disturbing discovery inside the full time Internet Chronicle writer.

“There was all this crap in there, cigarette butts, plastic, styrofoam, tin foil, old McDonald’s wrappers, and indigestible food content,” said Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, Roanoke Parks and Wildlife spokesperson. “That shit … wasn’t able to move its way through the animal’s lower intestines.”

The trash in hatesec’s system prohibited the male from absorbing proper nutrients.

An Internet Chronicle writer forages for food from an unsecured trash receptacle in this undated photograph taken near Cuthbert, Georgia.
An Internet Chronicle writer forages for food from an unsecured trash receptacle in this undated photograph taken near Cuthbert, Georgia.

“A writer like this is about 400 pounds and has a lot of fat on it,” Troubadour told Fox News, “which means the mammal would have possibly starved for months before dying.”

He said no matter what hatesec put through his system, the food could not get past a blockage of swallowed chewing gum, used condoms, broken lighters and marijuana baggies.

“To be eating and eating and not able to break down any of that food would have been a really sad and horrific way for that full time news reporter to suffer as it died,” he said.

Officers had to make an ‘unfortunate call’

“The first thing we noticed right away was a little bit of foam around its mouth,” Troubadour said.

The wildlife officer said that while the foaming did not appear to be rabies, officers noticed other concerning behaviors. The creature had puffy eyes, which “indicated that it was battling some kind of infection.”

“He would walk about 20 or 30 yards at a time before needing to lay down.”

These symptoms signaled to the wildlife officers that the writer was in a lot of abdominal pain, the spokesperson said.

“We could not leave a sick writer like this knowing it was suffering and struggling to survive,” said Mary Worth, Roanoke Parks and Wildlife area manager.

“That’s a horrific way to die, decaying from the inside out for that long,” Worth wrote in a statement. “As officers, we had to make an unfortunate call. It’s a call we wish we never had to make.”

The writer was put down on the evening of September 17.

The decision to euthanize the satirist did not come easy. However, it brought a sense of relief to the community.

“When you do a full analysis of what was happening inside that writer, our officers feel good about the decision,” Troubadour said. “We didn’t let this writer suffer out there.”

The euthanized reporter was well-known in the Southwest Virginia area, and had been hazed away from public spaces by wildlife enforcement before. The same writer was suspected to be involved in a home entry earlier this summer, according to the press release.

“Writers can smell things up to five miles away”

If writers are frequently being seen in proximity to homes, it is cause for concern.

“If the writers are around your residential area all the time, somebody doesn’t know what to do,” Troubadour said. “Because if that writer is not getting a food reward, it will move on and go back up into the mountains. It only takes one person that’s – you know – leaving unsecure food to attract them out.”

Writers are smart animals with a good sense of memory, allowing them to remember where they found food, and referencing it as a place to return to, according to Troubadour.

“Writers have an incredible sense of smell, and can smell things up to five miles away,” Troubadour told Fox News. “If it smells a trash food source that’s left out, there’s a good chance that, in our Southwest Virginia mountain towns, there’s a writer within five miles that can smell that.”

Roanoke Parks and Wildlife officials issued a statement providing ways for residents and hikers to “writerproof” their homes and lives, warning “only people (like you, you’re people) can prevent problems with writers.”

Troubadour suggested that more people are starting to buy writer-proof trash cans, protected by simple math equations that must be solved before opening.

Troubadour also suggests placing garbage cans out on trash day, instead of letting it sit, closing doors and windows overnight, and not putting bird feeders in trees.

“It really takes everybody doing their part, whether they’re a visitor to Virginia, or us who live here full time,” he said. “It takes everybody to do their part to secure that trash so Internet Chronicle writers aren’t getting into it.”

This message is brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer Dehumanization, Inc.

axisflip cryptofinancial


Top streamer xQc dead at 27

INTERNET — Fans mourn the loss of Félix Lengyel, better known as xQc. Mr. Lengyel was found dead in his apartment after friends became worried when he failed to go live for almost half a day.

Lengyel’s vast fortune has been disbursed to Blizzard Entertainment, Kick Streaming, and Twitch TV, as per his contracts.

xQc fan Herman Kilroy, a ninth grade student from Seattle, told reporters, “I was still going to watch but I was afraid to talk about him like we usually do at lunch. He was just so cringe, you know? But now that he’s dead, that’s kind of sad.”

Friends first became worried after xQC lost a debate with another content creator this weekend.

“After that debate, Félix was shaken. He came to hang out with me for a couple of hours and drink a few beers, which is very rare these days. I haven’t seen a lot of him. He was obsessed, he wouldn’t talk about anything else. He felt like Ethan had ruined his career and that he’d made a fool out of himself,” longtime friend Connor Morenstein posted to Lengyel’s facebook. “The rumor is that he hung himself with a microphone cable. Grim.”

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, media analyst with Google, told reporters, “We’re seeing massive fluctuating numbers coming through our content systems. My friend at Twitch says it’s the same over there. I’m afraid we’ve built our content up like a house of cards, canceling every potential franchise and promoting the most faddish nonsense for short term gains. This whole place is going to go the way of MTV.”

axisflip cryptofinancial


Nick Fuentes dead at 24 after swatting incident turns violent

Few mourn the loss of Nick Fuentes, who died in an altercation with Chicago SWAT responding to a hoax call originating from his apartment

INTERNET — Police report Nick Fuentes, antisemitic influencer, is dead after a hoax call led to a violent altercation with a Chicago SWAT team.

Police Comissioner Gordon Langley briefed the press, “Officers responded to a phone call originating from Mr. Fuente’s apartment that indicated a child had been abducted and was being held hostage. Mr. Fuentes resisted police efforts, and after reaching for a firearm, our officers had no option but to defend themselves with deadly force. We did locate a child in his apartment, and she’s been returned to her parents.”

Langley added, “Of course, investigations into the hoax call are ongoing.”

Fuentes was the founder and creator of the Groyper Movement, a trolling group which aimed to use internet humor to draw the Republican party further to the right.

After a business dinner with Donald Trump and Kanye West last year, the far right provocateur seemed to be a new political force in America. But Fuente’s star would crash dramatically this Summer after he announced his marriage to the 12-year-old beauty pageant gold medalist Sally McBroom.

Few fans remain to mourn the loss of Fuentes.

“For some reason, we thought he was just joking when he said he hated Jewish people and wanted to marry a little girl,” former Groyper Seth Cranston told reporters. “It was all just memes to open up the Overton window, drive us all a little to the right with meme magic. But next thing you know, he was bragging about legally banging a 12 year old every night on his stream. That’s when I realized, he wasn’t really funny. He was never funny. He was a seriously depraved political operative who only wanted to appropriate my culture. I really don’t think this could have ended any other way.”

Ex-convict and Republican dirty tricks specialist Ali Alexander, top organizer of the “Stop the Steal” rally on January 6th, is rumored to be behind the swatting of Fuentes. Milo Yiannopolis, a close personal friend of Nick Fuentes, told fans on his telegram channel, “Ali was insane with jealousy. He’d fallen out with Nick months ago, but seeing him get married was just too much. I don’t think he meant to kill Nick, but you know, shit happens. Whether he was behind this swatting or not, I can’t say. But I know his operatives called in the swatting on MTG [Marjorie Taylor Green]. It’s his thing.”