Billie Eilish dead at 19

Billie Eilish died tragically as a result of slumber party related injuries Wednesday evening.

INTERNET — Fans mourn the tragic and untimely loss of Billie Eilish Pirate Baird O’Connell, 19, who died in her apartment after suffering from tragic slumber party related injuries.

In celebration of the release of her new hit single commemorating the Civil War, Lost Cause, Eilish held a slumber party extravaganza filled with the most rich and famous personalities at her New York City Penthouse.

Finneas O’Connell, Eilish’s brother and producer said, “Things got out of hand. There was a major pillow fight, and I think everyone had a lot of pent up rage from the Rona. Next thing I knew, they were hauling Billie out on a stretcher and then later, we heard she didn’t make it. I still can’t believe it.”

Police are investigating the incident. Chief Geraldo Popper said, “There may have been drugs, some powerful new recreational biologics we’re seeing used by the very rich, but I can’t say much more than that at this time. We’re investigating every angle, but at this point we don’t suspect foul play.”


Peasants from around the world want to know: “Who protects the US from abusive cops?”

Because they are used to living in lawless expanse, peasants in developing nations around the world appear to look down on America’s cop crisis with dimwitted superiority.

[Editor’s Note: Sometimes people go online and make shit up]

In their own words, the peon masses submitted their remarks to the Internet Chronicle to pose a timely rhetorical question. We read them, and interpreted them for you here.

  • a peasant in vietnam once asked me if we had a People’s army in the US, I said no, and she was like “what do you have” and I said “you would literally die if i told you”
  • a peasant in newsbekiztan once asked if we had a People’s Army in the United States. I said no, and she was confused because she’s a fucking peasant and I answered her in English
  • a peasant in Myanmar once asked me if we had military coups in the US. I said no, and she was confused because we facilitate coups around the world
  • a piece of bark floating on the surface of an artificial lake asked if we had a People’s Army in the US. I said no, and it got confused and asked, “then who protects you from abusive cops?” bark has no concept of public policy
  • a simple, pissant, subhuman peon asked if we had a People’s Army in the US. I said no, and she was confused because I projected nobility onto her blank, ignorant expression
  • Little haji in the desert once asked if we have a People’s Army in the US. I said uhhh no? He looked confused as to why I would be so snide toward a starving child with a distended belly. He said “then who protects you from racist cops?”

Peasants might not be educated like us, but they’re so wise!


Elon Musk dead at 49: Tragic suicide follows crypto crash

INTERNET — Fans and investors mourn the loss of Elon Musk, found dead in his Austin home following a massive crypto crash Sunday morning.

Musk, the CEO and founder of SpaceX and Tesla made headlines earlier this year after investing billions of dollars into bitcoin.

Musk is survived by his wife Grimes and his son X Æ A-12. Coroners reported he hung himself from the balcony of his mansion using a USB-C cable, still connected to an external hard drive filled with billions of now worthless cryptocoins.

Mary L. Hubbard, President and CEO of the Elon Musk Fan Club was completely devastated, telling reporters between fits of uncontrollable sobbing, “Now we’re never going to Mars. We’re never going to get off fossil fuels. Without Elon the whole world is doomed.”

However, Harvard Economist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said of the crash, “No one who lived through the dotcom boom should be surprised that this happened. Tech comes and goes at a very fast pace these days and as far as the crypto stuff goes, it’s really all speculation. The only people who would use such a convoluted method of transaction are doing it because they have already invested so much into it. For the common person there are only disadvantages to using bitcoin.”