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Nick Fuentes dead at 24 after swatting incident turns violent

Few mourn the loss of Nick Fuentes, who died in an altercation with Chicago SWAT responding to a hoax call originating from his apartment

INTERNET — Police report Nick Fuentes, antisemitic influencer, is dead after a hoax call led to a violent altercation with a Chicago SWAT team.

Police Comissioner Gordon Langley briefed the press, “Officers responded to a phone call originating from Mr. Fuente’s apartment that indicated a child had been abducted and was being held hostage. Mr. Fuentes resisted police efforts, and after reaching for a firearm, our officers had no option but to defend themselves with deadly force. We did locate a child in his apartment, and she’s been returned to her parents.”

Langley added, “Of course, investigations into the hoax call are ongoing.”

Fuentes was the founder and creator of the Groyper Movement, a trolling group which aimed to use internet humor to draw the Republican party further to the right.

After a business dinner with Donald Trump and Kanye West last year, the far right provocateur seemed to be a new political force in America. But Fuente’s star would crash dramatically this Summer after he announced his marriage to the 12-year-old beauty pageant gold medalist Sally McBroom.

Few fans remain to mourn the loss of Fuentes.

“For some reason, we thought he was just joking when he said he hated Jewish people and wanted to marry a little girl,” former Groyper Seth Cranston told reporters. “It was all just memes to open up the Overton window, drive us all a little to the right with meme magic. But next thing you know, he was bragging about legally banging a 12 year old every night on his stream. That’s when I realized, he wasn’t really funny. He was never funny. He was a seriously depraved political operative who only wanted to appropriate my culture. I really don’t think this could have ended any other way.”

Ex-convict and Republican dirty tricks specialist Ali Alexander, top organizer of the “Stop the Steal” rally on January 6th, is rumored to be behind the swatting of Fuentes. Milo Yiannopolis, a close personal friend of Nick Fuentes, told fans on his telegram channel, “Ali was insane with jealousy. He’d fallen out with Nick months ago, but seeing him get married was just too much. I don’t think he meant to kill Nick, but you know, shit happens. Whether he was behind this swatting or not, I can’t say. But I know his operatives called in the swatting on MTG [Marjorie Taylor Green]. It’s his thing.”

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Lebal Drocer manufactures world’s first LK-99 microprocessor

INTERNET — Famed chemist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador synthesized the world’s first industrial batch of the newly discovered room temperature superconductor LK-99.

“I’m etching the LK-99 6522 chips right now, and they’re insane man. This 8-bit chip from 1975 will compute about as fast as a top chip on the market, thanks to this new material,” Dr. Troubador laughed, “And it barely uses any electricity at all!”

Popping the indistinct grey chip into the back of a Commander X16, Dr. Troubador said, “The software and much of the hardware to allow an 8-bit machine to do the same tricks as a modern PC don’t exist, but I’ve ported a fully functioning Minecraft over using ChatGPT5.”

He grinned at the cameras as the modified Commander X16 booted directly into a fluid, beautiful Minecraft realm. The mouse and keyboard movements felt snappy and connected, in the way that only old computers can. “Do you know how fast we’re clocking the CPU? This thing is up in the Terahertz! And you wanna know what’s funny? What energy doesn’t go to computing is almost entirely emanated in T-waves. T-Waves! I’m already tearing down the T-wave gap, probably triggering a double technological paradigm shift.”

David Murray, the 8-bit guy

David Murray, creator of the Commander X16, will soon be richer than both Bill Gates and Elon Musk combined, thanks to the chips printed by Dr. Troubador. His Commander X16 computer provides a modernized 8-bit architecture which is optimally suited for adapting the new LK-99 terahertz chips from Lebal Drocer.

“It’s going to be some time before we can print a more detailed chip,” Troubador said, “Years, at the very least. So I suppose all current computers are now basically obsolete energy wasters, and we’ll go back to 8 bits for a while, or tie these onto the side as a co-processor for existing systems. But whatever, it’s hilarious how fast I can adapt software with ChatGPT5 doing all the tedious work.”


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This was all Tom DeLonge’s UFO gayop

INTERNET — Bewildered internet denizens shrugged as congress questioned a series of dubious “UFO whistleblowers” who have been promoted entirely by Tom DeLonge’s pro-UFO public relations firm, To The Stars Media.

This gun is totally overpowered, but it’s not the reason behind UFO disclosures.

Commentators worry that all this alien crap was a ploy to hype funding for American weapons manufacturing, or to intimidate foreign nations by suggesting the military has alien guns, such as the alien sniper rifle from N64’s hit shooter, Perfect Dark. However, there are no reports of soldiers, officers, or government officials being sniped through armored concrete bunkers with x-ray vision rail guns. Meanwhile, the Americans are the ones suffering from group-psychotic panic episodes known as “Havana Syndrome,” thanks to a rumor that ex-KGB agents have cobbled a superweapon together out of household appliances.

More reasonable minds, such as Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, noted, “Anyone who read this stuff would have instantly realized the so-called UFO disclosure was only clickbait, and the claims of the whistleblowers were taken whole cloth from a variety of Will Smith movies.”

But The Fresh Prince already slapped himself out of the game, and while Hollywood writers may be on the brink of getting a better deal, they will likely never see a cent out of this congressional hearing. 90’s pop punk icon Tom DeLonge, however, had T-Shirts printed up ahead of time:

“The UFO Hearings today made history,” Tom wrote. “I am so proud of the three witnesses today that blew the lid off the UFO secrecy that has been intact for decades. Graves, Fravor and Grusch are HEROES. I appreciated the shout-out during the hearing, but so many were involved with to make this happen. Get your shirt now, and remember that we at To The Stars changed the world.”


Speaking to The Independent, the blink frontman also proudly enthused: “Everything that is happening right now is 100 per cent because of To The Stars. I mean, I’ve known this, and my guys know this… we really feel, in our company, we’ve really changed the course of the world.”

There is no military funding behind this. There are no feds, no spooks, no corporation with some ulterior motive. But on the surface, it resembles a psyop. When a psyop is carried out merely for the amusement of the perpetrator, and no one really has much more to gain from it, it’s called a gayop. There are also no aliens, at least in this story. There are only Tom DeLonge’s gayops.

This discovery is probably more James Bond than Independence Day

Harvard alien-hunter Avi Loeb’s team of scientists and submersible experts searched the bottom of the ocean to find some titanium alloy dust originating from an item astronomers observed moving at an incredible speed towards earth and breaking up extremely low in the atmosphere. The natural conclusion that the militarization of space is well underway and that his specks of dust come from a satellite-destroying kinetic weapon might make headlines even starker than the bit about aliens, but Loeb is a man possessed with an alien obsession. Just like Tom Delonge, at the end of the road everything becomes an alien evangelizing about aliens.

Or maybe not! Watch the fuck out for that guy from Harvard. He’s far more likely to be running interference for the orbital railgun emplacements than Blink 182.