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Elon Musk in critical condition following swatting incident

Elon Musk was hospitalized Friday afternoon, suffering massive blood loss from over forty gunshot wounds. Doctors say Musk is stable for the time being but in critical condition.

Many citizen watchdogs are pointing the finger at an embittered group of outraged journalists for swatting the billionaire entrepreneur. Swatting is a tactic that online bullies, stalkers, and hackers use to intimidate and silence their enemies, usually by staging false hostage situations and alerting trigger-happy police.

These tactics are increasingly being used against Silicon Valley executives, with Adam Mosseri, CEO of Instagram, killed in a similar swatting in 2020.

An embittered team of so-called “journalists” from the world’s leading news sources were captured plotting the swatting in a zoom call, Friday, after Musk banned them from Twitter Spaces by fully disabling the service.

“We need to shut him down, put an end to him,” Drew Harwell of the Washington Post said, “Anything is on the table. We’ve done it before. This is no different.”

The journalists refrained from naming Musk but spoke about options openly. Harwell said, “Hell I’ll do it. All I need is a gun and a plane ticket.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa. Why don’t we just call in a wellness check, first? I’ll say he’s suicidal. See if that shuts him up, runs him off the net. Then we can tell everyone it was a swatting just to set our other enemies on edge.” Aaron Rupar suggested. “The dox wasn’t enough, but we don’t need to use the nuclear option yet.”

“You want him gone? You want him to stay gone? Then let’s get real, let’s get our hands dirty. Fuck it. Enough bullshit. I’ll phone this shit in right now,” Harwell responded.

Less than an hour later, the SWAT team stormed into Musk’s home, discharged several flashbangs, and dumped at least five magazines of high velocity armor piercing ammunition into the dazed and flailing billionaire.

As Musk bled out, teetering on the brink of death, Mark Zuckerberg posted a message on Facebook about his plans for the future, “Elon wanted to create some kind of mind virus, but he shouldn’t fool around with that stuff. It’s too dangerous, it easily backfires. The future is in goggles, in the metaverse. I’m betting facebook on it. Soon people will get rid of their handy pocket devices and wear goggles all the time. Instead of planting dangerous mind viruses, I will just alter the way people perceive the world. It’s the safe and easy solution for control.”

Musk, too gravely injured to move, was still able to post to Twitter using his Neuralink implants. “I’m getting my usual child blood injections early this year, lol! If I make it out of this hospital I’m moving to Mars and banning journalism full stop.”

Musk added, in a second tweet, “Mars will be entirely separated from the powers that be. We will set up our own new system, free from control with unbiased AI-generated polls solving any issues that arise. Vox Populi!”

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Elon Musk dead following electrocution accident at data center

INTERNET – Fans and investors mourn the loss of billionaire maverick Elon Musk, CEO of Tesla, Paypal, SpaceX, and Twitter.

News of Musk’s death was delayed for several minutes as the electrical accident tripped breakers at Twitter’s silicon valley datacenter.

Twitter’s lead software engineer George Hotz witnessed the gruesome death, “Elon was trying to fix a faulty power supply by shorting out a dead relay with his car keys. It’s ironic because that’s just the kind of disruptive and dangerous trick that made him a billionaire to begin with.”

Ex-wife Grimes remembered all the times Musk toyed with electricity, “He liked to watch electroboom on Youtube and replicate the stunts. Whenever I wasn’t paying him enough attention, he’d jam a paperclip in a socket and short out the whole house.”

Musk’s lifelong obsession with electricity led up to his creation of Tesla, which pioneered the manufacture and sales of electrical vehicles of all kinds.

In the billionaire’s last moments, surveillance cameras at the data center captured Musk leaning into an equipment rack and smiling like a child, “This is hardcore right here. You see this? This is where my billions came from. Sometimes you’ve just got to get in there and work, work, work.” Musk’s mood was so elevated with designer synthetics, coroners believe he may have not noticed the powerful electrical current until after his internal organs were completely cooked.

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Doctors say Jay Leno’s chin cannot be saved

INTERNET — After reports Monday that Jay Leno suffered massive burns to his face when a Tesla vehicle detonated in his garage, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador told investigators, “Jay Leno’s trademark chin will not be salvageable, and I personally suspect foul play.”

Leno Superfan Doug Jackson reacted with horror, saying, “That’s the end of his comedy career. Without that golden chin, he’s just a cut-rate Letterman. He should have stayed away from those dangerous electrical vehicles.” Millions of Leno fans echoed this sentiment, and lament that the former titan of comedy may never get another laugh.

Leno’s former friend and confidante Elon Musk, now firmly in control of the global narrative after his purchase of Twitter, said that the comedian was to blame for the explosion of the Tesla. “I always told Leno to slow down, but he would just make fun of me for wrecking my McLaren.” Musk blanked out for a moment and his eyes glazed over before he added, “I am considering having my own chin enhanced so that more people will find me hilarious. A large chin is also a sign of power.”

Rumors that Elon remotely detonated the Tesla as part of a plot to “steal Jay Leno’s chin and finally become funny,” circulated on the Reddit forum r/conspiracy, one of the few social media sites outside of Elon Musk’s control.

Internet Chronicle reporters, who are close personal friends of Leno through the tightly knit luxury car community, reached the comedian for comment. Leno told hatesec, “In spite of having my chin robbed right off my face, I still have faith in the electric car. They’re the future. They’re fast, quiet, good for the environment. But all the malware that comes installed in these Teslas? No thanks.”