Author: Kilgoar

INTERNET — Professor Avi Loeb of Harvard University believes that the world’s financial markets are at extreme risk of extraterrestrial control.

Loeb put on a fiery TED talk, dazzling audiences with his bombastic claims. Screaming and shouting while marching across the stage, Loeb’s presence resembled Elvis, “It’s estimated this entity, Satoshi Nakamoto, is worth $70 billion. We don’t know who it is, and we can’t even rule out it’s an extraterrestrial. We just don’t know what Satoshi is!”

Loeb pounded at the podium, leering at the scientists around him. Their amusement at his wild speculation revealed a lack of curiosity, driving him deep into frothing rage.

“Our world’s computers are laughably insecure. Look at what happened with CrowdStrike. Even our distributed and encrypted systems, for example bitcoin, what protection does that give against the computational power of potential aliens? That is where I begin to get suspicious.”

Loeb grimaced at his disinterested colleagues, emphasizing each word with increasing hate.

“Suddenly we have a secure system, and it still hasn’t been cracked after ten years. That is exceptional, but imagine that it’s not cracked for another hundred years, two hundred years. All the while, the aliens who secreted this technology under a pseudonym are building their assets. One day we’ll wake up and realize they fully scammed our planet out from under us.”

Loeb toppled the podium, “Oumuamua deposited hardware in our system and it is now somehow hooked into our computer networks. This analysis fully proves that these extraterrestrials are influencing everything from the stock markets to sports events. Everything is rigged, rigged, rigged.”

INTERNET — President Biden was rushed from his Delaware campaign headquarters to Walter Reed Medical Center Monday evening, after what a White House spokesperson called a “medical emergency.” President Biden passed away shortly after being placed on ventilator, presumably due to respiratory failure. The American military mourns the loss of their commander-in-chief, with flags across the nation flying at half staff.

Vice President Kamala Harris has been sworn into office during an emergency flight to Washington DC aboard Air Force One.

President Harris has ordered an end to the genocide in Gaza and the war in Ukraine, and promised to de-schedule psilocybin mushrooms and ketamine so that they’ll be more available for traumatized citizens. Harris announced, “We’ve got a lot of people with PTSD due to all these wars, and we’re going to make sure they can get some real medicine that actually works.”

President Biden was diagnosed with COVID-19, Wednesday, although critical billionaire activist Elon Musk noted the convenience of his sickness and inevitable death, “You want to hide the truth from the people? Well I know better. They killed Biden in a coup! This is a hostile takeover and they’ll never let Trump win. I’ve seen their plans. They’ve got a whole binder full of mass shooters lined up to take him out, but we will resist as best we can, using our inexhaustible high tech resources. We are Anonymous. We do not forgive. We do not forget. Expect us.”

INTERNET — Joshua Moon was banned from X on the D-Day anniversary after insulting veterans and the freedoms they fought to protect. Moon’s company Final Solutions LLC operates Kiwi Farms, an internet gossip site known for abandoning all responsibility in publishing. So long as the material isn’t criminal, he’ll publish it.

The loss of this X account dealt Null a mortal blow, and he’s been posting about buying the same make and model of pistol that lowtax, the former owner operator of Something Awful used to end himself. However, he’s written in a now-deleted post that he’s just angry, not depressed, and in full control over the choice between these two emotions.

In complete turmoil following his ban from Elon Musk’s free speech platform, Null’s staged a theatrical self-castration for his gaggle of half-literate teenage fans, dubbing himself the “gigavictim.” He’s emoted deeply that his self-sacrificing efforts to make a change in the internet are all in vain, and any pretense of activism or reform have left his mind. What remains of this cockless former man is only “speech terrorism.” This is, no doubt, a reference to his continued writing of crappy essays rather than any of the milquetoast edgeposting on his extreme gossip forum.

Republican representative Marjorie Taylor Green said that the Kiwi Farms website should not be allowed to exist. Donald Trump and Joe Biden have yet to comment, but the overwhelming bipartisan determination is that this website is wrong. The one lawyer in America who came out to support Kiwi Farms before a later disavowal is the now disgraced YouTuber Nick Rekieta, who was definitely smoking something at the time.

Moon rants on Kiwi Farms about how even “free speech” oriented providers will not do business with him. Laughably, the Australian Vincent Zhen, a provider for the site, was so irresponsible as to no-show for a lawsuit and lose $400,000 on the basis of simply providing services to Moon. Civil suits have been a persistent issue for Moon, and now the FBI is closing in as well. Even Google is telling him, in automated messages, that his account has been turned over as evidence. The FBI toolkit of broad-reaching criminal charges is likely to find something, anything, and finally end the stupidity. Maybe Moon’s even involved in the Daniel Larson case, a homeless man who was trolled into pulling fire alarms, n-bombing strangers, and ultimately streaming bomb threats targeting investigating FBI agents.

I hopped onto Kiwi Farms and confronted Moon, who as far as I can tell is trying his damnedest to make as much case law against a free and open internet as possible. He claims to be a warrior for the freedom of speech, and yet his actions and comments indicate that he actually hates freedom.

Taking up the pitiful cowed posture of half-defeated Palpatine, Null is ready to zap down his next unwary victim. The lawsuit against Zhen, the public pressure on network infrastructure, it is not a great direction for internet freedom. Yet these precedents are a legacy that will long outlast Kiwi Farms, and gigavictim Moon is the one to blame. While funny, the chronicles of the life of Chris-Chan will not make or break humanity, and are not worth such sacrifice. Perhaps others will be zapped like Zhen, and Moon will continue with his website. But this late in the game, it sure doesn’t look like it. In fact, it’s a wonder he’s got so far.

Alas, a trans vine of thorns wrapped itself around Moon’s esophagus and his brokeass pendulum just wouldn’t swing. I was banned from Kiwi Farms and received no response. Let the coward’s effigy hang forever as a blood payment, sweethearts: Freedom ain’t free