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Experts warn that hopes for a better year in 2024 are misplaced

dr troubadour
Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour

Folks across the nation are breathing in the clean, natural air of hopeful optimism with the COVID-19 pandemic now reduced to the status of the flu or the common cold. Herd immunity has finally kicked in, and Americans are again feeling cautiously safe and optimistic about the future.

“I’m optimistic that 2024 will be better than the past few years,” Benny Johnson told reporters. “It just has to be, right? It can’t get worse than this.”

However, most analysts strongly disagree with this new positive attitude. The consensus among trendcasters is that centuries of decline for human civilization are ahead, with no possible course correction.

“The conflict in Ukraine is continuing and even showing signs of intensifying. Meanwhile, the violent expulsion of Palestinians from Gaza by the Israeli military has widened into a conflict that has costly implications for global shipping routes,” Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador of the Future Institute told reporters. “The desperate financial optimism for computing businesses represents a dire overvaluation of an industry which is beginning to show signs of strain, with record layoffs for software companies in 2023. It’s only a matter of time before we see some major players go under. Another dotcom bust is on the bingo card for next year, and the second great depression to follow will ignite powder kegs on every continent.”

Dr. Troubador growled, like an animal, inspiring pangs of fear in the terrorized press corp assembled outside Lebal Drocer, Inc. “Among the most over-optimistic of all people are climate protestors who believe that there is any possible way to slow or undo changing weather patterns that are increasingly deadly to human life. The truth is that without the ever growing emissions there’s just no way to currently support the ever increasing population. By 2070, I predict there will be mosquitoes the size of pickup trucks, capable of sucking people dry through the spacesuits they’ll need to survive outdoors.” Troubador twisted the rhetorical knife with a grim half smile, adding, “Snake oil sales, however, are through the roof. Remember folks, TerrorMax is the one and only FDA-free drug manufactured, packaged, and shipped by drone from international waters that also fully treats the terror of historic forces beyond your control. Take TerrorMax now. Don’t settle for that ol’ wives’ tale that booze and dope is enough when you have thousands of dial-a-yield doomsday weapons in the death grips of absolute madmen. Take matters into your own hands.”

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YouTube Minecraft legend Dream dead at 24

ORLANDO — Fans mourn the loss of Clayton Huff, better known as the Minecraft YouTuber Dream, after friends found him dead in his apartment from an apparent overdose.

Orlando police chief Clint Saunders told reporters, “Mr. Huff died suddenly and tragically. Our investigation revealed a toxic concentration of fentanyl in his bloodstream and we have not yet ruled out foul play. However, we are also investigating Mr. Huff over sexual complaints from many young women and girls in the area.”

Dream’s death was immediately sullied by fellow content creators, looking to cash in on the millions of potential views in rushing to be the first to deliver the grim news.

“Dream still had his mask on, slouched over his keyboard with several instances of Minecraft running. He passes out like this all the time, but when he didn’t move for a while I tried to help him and he was colder than a crisp, energizing bottle of G-Fuel,” Sapnap told his fans, taking a long swig of the cool drink just moments before calling in the YouTuber’s death to emergency services.

Police are looking into the possibility of foul play, after a fury of questions raised by fans who were suspicious of the live-streamed death announcement.

“I mean I get it, anything can be content. When Dream cheated a little bit in Minecraft, well at least he was making money. But starting up a stream before calling the cops? It’s either suspicious or depraved, I’m not sure which,” said Nancy Howard, mother of little Jeremy Howard, who only calms down when she puts on YouTube. “I don’t like the example they’re setting for my boy.”

Sapnap further angered friends and family of Dream by reading out an alleged suicide note, directed at haters. This video went viral when xQc, known for his famous worm-like reactions, live streamed himself crawling around on the carpet of his apartment and moaning triumphantly as Sapnap read out the suicide note, “Soon, everyone on Earth will know who I am and my death will be BURNED into their memories. Finally my album will get the radio play it deserves, and none of the trolls can send me to prison with their false accusations. I WIN. THE END.”

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YouTuber Shad M. Brooks dead at 37

Fans mourn the loss of Shad M. Brooks, fantasy writer and host of the Shadiversity LARPing channel on YouTube.

Brooks died tragically, Saturday evening, during the filming of one of his many off-the-wall medieval weaponry videos. While testing a barbed steel spike mounted to the end of a bullwhip, the weapon struck Brooks’ chest, piercing a gap in his armor and creating a superficial, but terrifying wound. Doctors say the shock at the wound, as well as the inability to remove the barbed tip, caused Brooks to panic, triggering cardiac arrest. Paramedics had difficulty safely removing his armor to apply sufficient aid, and the YouTuber was pronounced dead on arrival to hospital.

“It’s just like Steve Irwin all over again, a tremendous loss striking right at the heart of Australia,” said Gerald Johnson, longtime fan and admin of The Shadiverse, Brooks’ official Discord. “Who else can tell the world what is realistic or not, simply by using reason, logic, and a keen sense of psychology? Only through the use of such fair debate can we arrive at the truth of medieval warfare. There was no one like him and I’m afraid only snobs like the woke Matt Easton will be left on YouTube, relying on flawed Archaeology and History to make their conclusions and cancel the enemies of their ideology.”

Matt Easton of the Scholagladiatoria YouTube channel refused comment on the death of Brooks but said, “It’s very true he judged evidence very much on the same basis as a medieval scholar, and in that sense he was quite true to the period. How intentional any of it all is, I can’t say.”

Brooks’ fortune has been disbursed equally to his twelve surviving male children according to medieval Salic law that forbids his wife or daughters from possessing land.

Shad’s bestseller, Shadow of the Conqueror, was panned by critics for celebrating a “Fantasy Hitler” protagonist with a penchant for raping thirteen year old girls. Fans, however, loved the book for its high levels of realism. Phillip Lichtenstein, moderator at the Shadiverse Discord server defended the book, saying, “That’s what a medieval king does, is it not? Would you rather have some Black king going around asking for consent from his [expletive] eunuchs like some [expletive] Disney movie?” Lichtenstein continued to berate our reporters who were promptly banned from the chat room for “Spreading the woke mind virus,” having expressed no opinions whatsoever.