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Top streamer xQc dead at 27

INTERNET — Fans mourn the loss of Félix Lengyel, better known as xQc. Mr. Lengyel was found dead in his apartment after friends became worried when he failed to go live for almost half a day.

Lengyel’s vast fortune has been disbursed to Blizzard Entertainment, Kick Streaming, and Twitch TV, as per his contracts.

xQc fan Herman Kilroy, a ninth grade student from Seattle, told reporters, “I was still going to watch but I was afraid to talk about him like we usually do at lunch. He was just so cringe, you know? But now that he’s dead, that’s kind of sad.”

Friends first became worried after xQC lost a debate with another content creator this weekend.

“After that debate, Félix was shaken. He came to hang out with me for a couple of hours and drink a few beers, which is very rare these days. I haven’t seen a lot of him. He was obsessed, he wouldn’t talk about anything else. He felt like Ethan had ruined his career and that he’d made a fool out of himself,” longtime friend Connor Morenstein posted to Lengyel’s facebook. “The rumor is that he hung himself with a microphone cable. Grim.”

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, media analyst with Google, told reporters, “We’re seeing massive fluctuating numbers coming through our content systems. My friend at Twitch says it’s the same over there. I’m afraid we’ve built our content up like a house of cards, canceling every potential franchise and promoting the most faddish nonsense for short term gains. This whole place is going to go the way of MTV.”

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Nick Fuentes dead at 24 after swatting incident turns violent

Few mourn the loss of Nick Fuentes, who died in an altercation with Chicago SWAT responding to a hoax call originating from his apartment

INTERNET — Police report Nick Fuentes, antisemitic influencer, is dead after a hoax call led to a violent altercation with a Chicago SWAT team.

Police Comissioner Gordon Langley briefed the press, “Officers responded to a phone call originating from Mr. Fuente’s apartment that indicated a child had been abducted and was being held hostage. Mr. Fuentes resisted police efforts, and after reaching for a firearm, our officers had no option but to defend themselves with deadly force. We did locate a child in his apartment, and she’s been returned to her parents.”

Langley added, “Of course, investigations into the hoax call are ongoing.”

Fuentes was the founder and creator of the Groyper Movement, a trolling group which aimed to use internet humor to draw the Republican party further to the right.

After a business dinner with Donald Trump and Kanye West last year, the far right provocateur seemed to be a new political force in America. But Fuente’s star would crash dramatically this Summer after he announced his marriage to the 12-year-old beauty pageant gold medalist Sally McBroom.

Few fans remain to mourn the loss of Fuentes.

“For some reason, we thought he was just joking when he said he hated Jewish people and wanted to marry a little girl,” former Groyper Seth Cranston told reporters. “It was all just memes to open up the Overton window, drive us all a little to the right with meme magic. But next thing you know, he was bragging about legally banging a 12 year old every night on his stream. That’s when I realized, he wasn’t really funny. He was never funny. He was a seriously depraved political operative who only wanted to appropriate my culture. I really don’t think this could have ended any other way.”

Ex-convict and Republican dirty tricks specialist Ali Alexander, top organizer of the “Stop the Steal” rally on January 6th, is rumored to be behind the swatting of Fuentes. Milo Yiannopolis, a close personal friend of Nick Fuentes, told fans on his telegram channel, “Ali was insane with jealousy. He’d fallen out with Nick months ago, but seeing him get married was just too much. I don’t think he meant to kill Nick, but you know, shit happens. Whether he was behind this swatting or not, I can’t say. But I know his operatives called in the swatting on MTG [Marjorie Taylor Green]. It’s his thing.”

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Lebal Drocer manufactures world’s first LK-99 microprocessor

INTERNET — Famed chemist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador synthesized the world’s first industrial batch of the newly discovered room temperature superconductor LK-99.

“I’m etching the LK-99 6522 chips right now, and they’re insane man. This 8-bit chip from 1975 will compute about as fast as a top chip on the market, thanks to this new material,” Dr. Troubador laughed, “And it barely uses any electricity at all!”

Popping the indistinct grey chip into the back of a Commander X16, Dr. Troubador said, “The software and much of the hardware to allow an 8-bit machine to do the same tricks as a modern PC don’t exist, but I’ve ported a fully functioning Minecraft over using ChatGPT5.”

He grinned at the cameras as the modified Commander X16 booted directly into a fluid, beautiful Minecraft realm. The mouse and keyboard movements felt snappy and connected, in the way that only old computers can. “Do you know how fast we’re clocking the CPU? This thing is up in the Terahertz! And you wanna know what’s funny? What energy doesn’t go to computing is almost entirely emanated in T-waves. T-Waves! I’m already tearing down the T-wave gap, probably triggering a double technological paradigm shift.”

David Murray, the 8-bit guy

David Murray, creator of the Commander X16, will soon be richer than both Bill Gates and Elon Musk combined, thanks to the chips printed by Dr. Troubador. His Commander X16 computer provides a modernized 8-bit architecture which is optimally suited for adapting the new LK-99 terahertz chips from Lebal Drocer.

“It’s going to be some time before we can print a more detailed chip,” Troubador said, “Years, at the very least. So I suppose all current computers are now basically obsolete energy wasters, and we’ll go back to 8 bits for a while, or tie these onto the side as a co-processor for existing systems. But whatever, it’s hilarious how fast I can adapt software with ChatGPT5 doing all the tedious work.”