axisflip.com

Categories
News

HACKER EXPOSES “YOUR ANON CENTRAL” OPERATION RUN BY CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE AGENCY

Your Anon Central is controlled by the CIA

INTERNET — Thursday, the Anonymous hacker known only by the alias ‘Asshurt’ revealed damning documents that prove the popular so-called “Anonymous” twitter account YourAnonCentral is owned and operated by the Central Intelligence Agency.

“Even in their earliest internal e-mails you can see, they are laughing about calling themselves Your Anon Central, in reference to the Central Intelligence Agency,” Asshurt told reporters at the Internet Chronicle.

Work to release the documents through the same extremely careful redaction process followed by Edward Snowden is already underway at The Intercept. Asshurt has granted an exclusive interview to the Internet Chronicle.

Connecting with reporters over the most highly encrypted channel, Asshurt ripped a vape and cursed, “Fuck, I’ve always believed something was up with that account. All it does is tweet propaganda against United States adversaries and other filler content that has no relation to hacking or hactivism whatsoever. I’m just trying to protect the name of Anonymous.”

“I’m just trying to protect the name of Anonymous” – Asshurt

Details of the manifest for Operation Crucible, code name for CIA activities to utilize the Anonymous brand for propaganda furthering United States foreign policy, outlines a three-pronged approach. “Co-opt, Destabilize, and Command. The first stage, Co-opt, will appropriate the Anonymous imagery, create social media accounts and web sites trafficked by a majority of Anonymous fans. Once this is achieved, destabilize will cast doubt on non-CIA sources of Anonymous branded information. The final and important stage, command, will, in conjunction with the State Department, propagate materials and information beneficial to United States foreign policy.”

Psychological Operational Analyst Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador told the Internet Chronicle, “Operation Crucible, by all metrics, has been a wild success. Anons are more likely to hate China, Myanmar, Russia, and other competitors to United States hegemony, while simultaneously considering themselves to be revolutionary and radical thinkers. Yet as you can see, they’re only mere puppets of propaganda.”

SpartaZC, the alleged owner and operator of YourAnonCentral has not responded to inquiry.

axisflip.com

Categories
News

California Legalizes Parasocial Marriage

After California passed the Parasocial Marriage Bill, over 27,000 citizens filed for the new parasocial marriage licenses.

INTERNET — Monday, California Governor Gavin Newsom signed the Parasocial Marriage Bill into law, which went into effect immediately. This controversial new law allows individuals to enter into a one-way marriage with their favorite entertainers and fictional characters. Lawmakers say this new law will benefit the economy by allowing the estates of single people to be more easily disbursed to struggling content creators and corporations, while giving single people a reason to live.

Jerome Glassley of San Diego showed off his engagement ring, telling reporters, “Finally, after years of struggle and oppression, my friends and family and even the government have come around and are accepting of my Waifu, Hinata. I am planning a full, real wedding with all the trimmings and I couldn’t be more delighted.”

Twitch megastreamer, Amouranth, was parasocially wed to nearly two hundred fans just hours after the Parasocial Marriage Bill passed. According to state marriage clerk, Cindy Lawhorn, the clerks’ offices across the state are swamped with paperwork.

Amouranth told the Internet Chronicle, “It’s nice that people are so accepting and that my fans are finding a new meaning in life. I think parasocial marriage is the best thing to come to California in decades.”

Other states, including Oregon and Colorado are looking into their own parasocial marriage laws, and several delegates in West Virginia have already begun drafting their own parasocial legislation.

Parasocial Marriage Critic and psychologist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador has warned that encouraging parasocial relationships may lead to a sudden decline in birth rates and mental health, saying, “A one way relationship is not necessarily unhealthy, but my research has shown it increases suicidal impulses. The only real legal force that these marriages have is to serve as a de facto will granting your property to your so-called marriage partner after death. It’s all fun and games now, but this might begin to encourage a lot of murders and suicides as people begin to target their friends and neighbors with parasocial marriages.”

axisflip.com

Categories
News

Influencer’s trend recognized by major brand

INTERNET — Thursday, the Influencer tweeted out a new hashtagged meme which quickly went viral and became featured as an officially recognized Twitter Trend.

A major brand riffed on this trend, posting several memes of their own. The influencer’s growing audience is a reflection of his newly expanded niche.

“My inbox is full of paid requests for tweets,” the Influencer said. “Usually I get a few of these each month, but today I’ve already received fifty. I would accept them all, if I had the time.”

Fans gathered around the Influencer’s apartment, taking selfies through a small window on his door, through which a sliver of the blue glow of his display could be seen. By retweeting eachother, the fans hoped to create their own trend, but fell short.

“Not everyone can be an influencer,” the Influencer sneered as he browsed the fan discussion. “They are so entitled, think that it’s so easy. They keep posting and posting when they should be reading my tweets, faving them, retweeting them. Engagement is the true path to being noticed by me, and ultimately by the major brands. That is why I have now risen to the prominent position of a social relationship asset for a major brand and they are mere targets.”