INTERNET — Josh Moon, controversial owner of the infamous KiwiFarms stalking and trolling website, was found dead in his Florida apartment, Wednesday, after facing years of backlash from Anonymous, the LGBTQ community, and Keffals.
Moon’s assets were released to Jim Watkins, dear friend and former employer, who promised to continue fighting the losing battle to keep the KiwiFarms community going. Watkins is the owner of the notable conspiracy hate site, 8kun.
Police Coroner Whitey MacGuffin said, “Man, I never seen a cadaver like that. He strangled himself with a LAN cable and had carved Keffal’s twitch URL all over his body, ‘http’ and everything. They were all bruised up too, like he’d been clicking on himself relentlessly, thousands and thousands of times.”
In spite of the unusually gruesome and specific police statements, fans of the hate site spun up numerous conspiracies to retell the death of Moon to better suit their political agenda.
“I think that he was poisoned to death by Keffal’s homemade hormone cocktails. They slipped it into his water supply, into his food. That’s why he bitched out at the end, acting so gay,” said Dynastia, former KiwiFarms admin. “I still can’t believe he let the Internet have power over him like that, like he was a lolcow.”
INTERNET — Wednesday, Internet Chronicle Editor-In-Chief Raleigh Theodore Sakers received a distressed phone call from Matthew Prince, CEO of CloudFlare, telling all about his lifelong passion for internet trolling.
[Disclosure: The Internet Chronicle is hosted on CloudFlare, and Internet Chronicle writer Jaime Cochran was also a paid troll and hacker for CloudFlare]
Matthew Prince, his distorted voice issuing out of a speakerphone, revealed to the stunned Internet Chronicle newsroom that he loves to troll people on the internet, “It’s shock humor, guys. You get me, right? Chaos! I’m always posting on KiwiFarms because that’s where the Internet’s elite trolls are always hanging out. It is real hotbed for new memes and the latest jokes, which later spread over to Reddit, and then Facebook. Shoutout to Catgod!”
Prince confessed that his connections with trolling culture run deep, “Yeah I love to troll, that’s why I hired Asshurt and got weev the hookup for his Daily Stormer crap. It’s happening all over again.”
Prince rambled on for hours, telling tall tales about his time as the president of the GNAA, a famous trolling group. Once back to the topic of KiwiFarms, Prince sighed, “Josh is causing me a lot of trouble right now and I’m trying to get him to chill out and start pruning some of the more hateful threads. He doesn’t think he can draw the line anywhere, but he can. He can. This is just business, man. Big business, with real money involved. We’re talking millions, even billions.”
Prince nodded sagely, “Lolcows are the future of entertainment, people who are ‘milked’ by trolls. We might call them up, talk to them in a chat, wind them up, and post the recordings and screenshots, the ‘milk’, to my favorite web site, KiwiFarms! This is not harassment or stalking, it’s just information, man! I call these the three principles of free speech: speech, information, and discussion. They talk, we record the information, and then we discuss it. That’s our freedom.”
Several KiwiFarms victims in the Internet Chronicle offices scoffed loudly at Prince’s proposal for a reformed forum. One of the thousands of transexuals whose “information” has been “documented” by the forums remarked, “What are they going to do, create another Oh Internet, but this time with dickgirls and femboys? These drama sites are cringe, man. Cringe af. We gotta do somethin’ about them. Maybe write a death hoax or somethin’.”
“Fuck yeah,” Dr. Troubador said, snapping his finger with a hot new idea. “That would be wild, man! Breaking: Josh Moon dead at 28. Fans and haters mourn the loss of a titan in the silicon valley industry, a man who reinvented the social network from the inside out and changed the world for the better, by spreading the freedom not just of speech, but even better, the freedom to legally silence others. Wow! You getting this, guys?”
Kilgoar and Hatesec immediately began typing this obituary out in their private, secure Lebal Drocer installation of etherpad, the free and open-source alternative to Google Docs. In the distance, Matthew Prince could be heard reminiscing on the speakerphone about his many incredible prank phone calls, in which he spent whole days berating “lolcows” until they slipped up and said something funny. “I talked to Chris Chan for over a month and posted everything to KiwiFarms. Meanwhile, Cloudflare was making me billions. That’s just my life. So hey, when you print this just make me cool, like McAfee. I’m thinking of running for president.”
The Hater is a noble profession, making a mockery of some aspect of society that is so collectively embarrassing and destructive for us all it must be revealed, sometimes even with deception, trickery, and subversion. The noble Hater is not to be confused with highly prolific, repetitive goblins who rely on their numbers to create a public nuisance. Of course, I could only be speaking of the sad, braindead mobs emanating from KiwiFarms, and their emotionally-handicapped spin doctor, Joshua Moon.
In the last cruel moments of his pale and ultimately pointless existence, site owner Josh Moon has opened a final thread for KiwiFarmers to post the kinds of important speech that he has sacrificed his life and freedom to protect. There is not a breath of record, knowledge, satire, subversion, opinion, or journalism in this last agonized gasp of so-called “freedom,” but only a list of slurs that will get users banned from most websites, classrooms, or dinner parties. There is no humor involved, no comedy bit like George Carlin’s seven dirty words.
Moon’s far reaching, heroic rhetoric in these final moments stress a politics advocating for absolutist free speech without mentioning why it is so important to him or his site. The classic arguments for protected speech underline the many goods that journalism, satire, academic research, and religious expression can do for a society that does not censor minority opinions. For anyone who has paid attention to recent events, these classic examples of protected speech are deeply and openly hated by Moon and many KiwiFarmers, who are all too happy to orchestrate brutal campaigns intended to silence journalists, comedians, academics, and pundits like Keffals who represent certain minority opinions. Agree with them or not, it is blindingly obvious that a website like KiwiFarms, in facilitating this mob behavior, is actively destroying freedom of speech.
That is, of course, not to say that a sprawling, heavily trafficked forum like KiwiFarms is a monolithic abuse site with a singular agenda. However often KiwiFarmers want to point this out, it still does not change the obvious fact that the forum is easily the largest platform where mobs organize for silencing protected speech, because this activity is promoted and orchestrated by site administrators.
According to Moon, who seems to be on the verge of a schizophrenic break, there is a power mad conspiracy involving the ADL, the US government, various news outlets, and others who are completely focused on destroying his humble, simple operation. He notes that the success of KiwiFarms could be replicated by any young person who wanted to fill his shoes. Never mind the bloody trail of rival wannabe KiwiFarms websites which have suspiciously disappeared after coming into competition with Moon, or the absolute expense and personal sacrifice Moon has put himself through in his lifelong quest to destroy protected speech. “They” are power mad tyrants, who will stop at nothing to destroy “freedom.”
Moon’s projecting, ridiculous ideas read much like the suicide note of a madman who is reaching for immortality through martyrdom. But like most of the vast reaches at humor on KiwiFarms, it is only a pretext, a poor attempt to convince himself of the rightness in something that is so obviously wrong. Josh Moon, the hero for free speech, is another absurd stretch that will soon be forgotten. If he is remembered, it will not be for this shallow, pseudo-intellectual drivel, but for the truth that he was a cruel piece of shit, obviously consumed by guilt and shame at the joy he took in silencing people, and too much of a moaning, self-absorbed, attention-seeking, pretend intellectual bitch to off himself, his one and only shot in life at doing something to protect freedom of expression.