Editorial Hate

Haters of King Cobra plummet to new low point

All my homies love Cobra. We tell Goth Dangerfield jokes to each other around the office while drinking coffee. I take my lunch break and strap his latest streams into the video editor and throw together a few mashup episodes of Star Trek, so what about it? 
Then we all go back to our journalism. We’re writing the first draft of history and lording our power over you sick freaks. You can all get fucked. I’m done with you and all of your communities and glad the subreddits are dead and dying.
Your community will not be missed. You know what we’re  doing on my channel? Not stealing from Cobra. Not jacking to Jessica. I’m Not rebroadcasting the entirety of their streams, while they’re live on the air, and acting like it’s our intellectual property to recast in full, just because I can crack wise on a face cam. No sir, we make original content around here – plug and play is strictly forbidden.
I could simply remove dead air, add some spare sound effects, and highlight a few of Cobra’s comments and call it transformative. Not enough? How about some unattractive color correction. “That’s actually my trademark,” these dudes would say to defend themselves during the lawsuit. Well there’s two people stupider than Cobra. Bitesize Cobra can eat shit. Boglim Chronicles? They haven’t produced a gram of original content in years. Fuck ’em all. Pieces of shit. They couldn’t edit their way out of a soggy paper bag. Yet you get down on the knees, paypigging to these absolute hacks, leeches, BOTTOM FEEDERS who put in literal minutes of work. And you’re sending them money, for what? To satisfy some sick spite that you have for a man who has a mental handicap?
“Fuck sickos” ~ King Cobra
When cornered, facing down this uncomfortable yet undeniable truth, you freaks will say “But it’s not like Josh or Jessica could sue. They can’t afford a lawyer, and not to mention…” but I won’t repeat the insults, the punching down. I hope they do sue, and that they get twice what was stolen. At the very least, show some fucking minimal basic respect for what you yourself are, you decaying boglim species on the decline. You are the rot upon society. There is more hope for humanity in Cobra’s pinky finger than all of you sad, unoriginal fucks combined. Do us all a favor! Log off the internet and stay off of it.
Stealing and condoning stealing from a creator because you believe they can’t defend themselves is some of the most morally and ethically depraved reasoning I’ve ever seen, yet collectively and without reflection, this is what you’ve all become. Fuck you, you fucking sickos. King Cobra will continue to become more famous in spite of the patently false and smug consensus on his decline, and every day the clock is ticking until an advocacy lawyer sees a profitable and righteous cause in your utter financial destruction.
Maybe I’ll make some calls to some of my connections, ask around the office. We’ll set Cobra up, this one should be easy money.
“Clocktower Dreamhouse comin’ in nicely, toobz” ~ King Cobra
Oh, how I would love to see you creeps walk a mile in Jessica’s shoes, Jessica especially. It is beautiful what a soul can endure even in this world. What the love of Cobra and Jessica can endure. I hope they get married and live a beautiful life together and everyone except the sickos find a Jessica of their own.
Long Live Ozzy,
and Fuck The Trolls

Clown World is here – But it’s not what you think it is!

INTERNET — Wednesday, economists noticed that all of the world’s debt is held by a group of less than one hundred people who all hate each other and are bickering with each other like some despicable and dysfunctional high school class. Kim Jong Un leads the Eurasian faction, while Elon Musk is by far the most popular of all posters.

Tuesday, Anonymous hackers leaked telegram chats unveiling the painfully boring beefs of the most wealthy people on earth. Petty, pointless antagonisms. “I own the global discourse,” Elon Musk is seen saying, on the encrypted communications, “And thus I control the future.” Muhammed Bin Salman was seen writing, “I did Khashoggi over Counterstrike. I don’t care what he wrote, it was the auto that did it.”

“This is where I have to finally sit back and say, it’s true, here we are in clown world. This is some fucking dumb ass anime stuff. It has to be fake, but look at the numbers,” Dr. Troubador sighed, “It used to be foolish to think a few people controlled everything, but the money doesn’t lie, does it? What more proof do we need? They’re just rubbing it in our faces now. As if they don’t also control Anonymous.”

“If you have any debt at all, it goes to one of these golden hundred. If you buy anything, anywhere, 90% of the profits go to them. Economically speaking,” Troubador seethed, “this is of course retarded. Money basically means nothing anymore, and you just throw it around like a joke. Also, somehow, no one can afford the basics of anything. What has the world come to?”

Thousands of scientists have officially declared Clown World to be accurate, based on their readings. Computer Science professor Crungus H. Foreman believes things could return to normal only if these people are all suddenly taxed according to an ever adapting algorithm of his design. “I’ve based it off of Google’s new visibility. Basically, you get your time in the sun but after a few years it just nerfs you back to nothing, all while balancing the overall economy perfectly, ending boom and bust cycles forever.”

However, Dr. Troubador believes it is far too late. “The numbers were bad enough, but now that I’ve read this shit from Anonymous? On the inside, they’re just nuke baiting all the time, it’s the bread and butter of their squabbling. We may be lucky to live to see the completely unpredictable consequences of all that carbon dioxide in the atmosphere.”

Internet Chronicle officially denounces the idea of Clown World


Hackers broadcast satanic YouTube cult leader on Las Vegas Dome

LAS VEGAS — Citizens were shocked and alarmed at the sight of YouTuber KingCobraJFS eating pizza-like food on the Las Vegas Dome, Sunday afternoon, in what many thought at first to be an ill-advised Little Caesar’s ad campaign.
Sphere Entertainment confirmed that the footage was unauthorized and an internal cybersecurity investigation is ongoing in cooperation with local and federal authorities.
Little Caesar’s issued an official statement to the press saying, “Little Caesar’s condemns the actions of any satanic hackers who may have breached the secure systems. Little Caesar’s pizza is not a sponsor or an affiliate of the KingCobraJFS YouTube channel and can be equally enjoyed by members of all faiths.”
Hacking Group SpitterSec took to twitter, claiming credit for the breach. “King Cobra for President,” the group tweeted, adding, “Long Live Ozzy, f-ck the trolls!
Video footage care of r/kingcobrajfs

Which one of you did this?
byu/kiltrout inkingcobrajfs

This claim was substantiated by cybersecurity expert Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, “Attribution is always a dicey business but I checked their pastebin and it looked pretty legit. Great ASCII art, too.”
Internet Chronicle reporters were unable to contact Joshua Fay Saunders, the mastermind behind the King Cobra character and leader of the Cobra Cult.
Las Vegas police chief Danny Larsen told reporters, “There is no indication at this time that Mr. Saunders had anything to do with the attack, and we are already aware of those involved due to similar previous pranks in several local casinos.”
King Cobra is the center of an extremist Satanic cult known as the Cobra Cult, an up-and-coming faith that preaches excessive drinking, smoking, and the occasional use of inhalants as part of a mystical journey towards “belief in oneself.” Members of the transphobic cult are taught, even from a young age, to create unholy “food hacks” and other cooking abominations.
Former Cobra Cult member Benny Johnson reached out to the Internet Chronicle, giving a dire warning that the cult is far more sinister than its fun-loving appearance on YouTube, “I was desperate for anything, anything at all to take away the pain of my involuntary celibacy. One day I was browsing YouTube and it was like Cobes was talking to me, personally, and he understood all the suffering I’d been through. I bought the pheromone soap and started dressing just like Cobra. And you know what? It worked perfectly. I was getting laid ten, sometimes twenty times a week. I realized his channel had turned me into a sicko, a sex junkie, and I got out. Some weren’t so lucky, and they’re in jail now, or they will be soon. To anyone who is still in the Cobra Cult or thinking about joining, I just want you to know, there are better ways. It’s never too late to leave. And if you do decide to stay, take it easy on the duster.”