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California Legalizes Parasocial Marriage

After California passed the Parasocial Marriage Bill, over 27,000 citizens filed for the new parasocial marriage licenses.

INTERNET — Monday, California Governor Gavin Newsom signed the Parasocial Marriage Bill into law, which went into effect immediately. This controversial new law allows individuals to enter into a one-way marriage with their favorite entertainers and fictional characters. Lawmakers say this new law will benefit the economy by allowing the estates of single people to be more easily disbursed to struggling content creators and corporations, while giving single people a reason to live.

Jerome Glassley of San Diego showed off his engagement ring, telling reporters, “Finally, after years of struggle and oppression, my friends and family and even the government have come around and are accepting of my Waifu, Hinata. I am planning a full, real wedding with all the trimmings and I couldn’t be more delighted.”

Twitch megastreamer, Amouranth, was parasocially wed to nearly two hundred fans just hours after the Parasocial Marriage Bill passed. According to state marriage clerk, Cindy Lawhorn, the clerks’ offices across the state are swamped with paperwork.

Amouranth told the Internet Chronicle, “It’s nice that people are so accepting and that my fans are finding a new meaning in life. I think parasocial marriage is the best thing to come to California in decades.”

Other states, including Oregon and Colorado are looking into their own parasocial marriage laws, and several delegates in West Virginia have already begun drafting their own parasocial legislation.

Parasocial Marriage Critic and psychologist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador has warned that encouraging parasocial relationships may lead to a sudden decline in birth rates and mental health, saying, “A one way relationship is not necessarily unhealthy, but my research has shown it increases suicidal impulses. The only real legal force that these marriages have is to serve as a de facto will granting your property to your so-called marriage partner after death. It’s all fun and games now, but this might begin to encourage a lot of murders and suicides as people begin to target their friends and neighbors with parasocial marriages.”

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News Politics

Donald Trump and Melania vaccinated in January, but will remain socially distant

NEW YORK — Former President Donald Erdogan Trump and wifey Melania Trump both received coronavirus vaccines in January, White House advisers confirmed to the Chronicle on Monday. However, the former first lady is opting to remain socially distant, out of an abundance of caution, probably.

The two got their first dose while still in the White House, and have since received their second dose, according to someone wearing a suit and tie. It was not clear which vaccine they received, but Donald insisted on having it injected into the base of his tiny, worthless, child-molesting member.

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GFE: Former US President Trump paid extra for the “girlfriend experience.”

Citing the discomfort prostitutes feel towards kissing certain clients, Melania told her assistant she is going to “play it safe” and avoid Donald until this whole thing blows over.¹

To the amusement of literally the entire world, the Trumps both contracted the coronavirus in late September, with the former president spending a few days on a milking table due to being so weak to the fake virus made up just to hurt him.

Now that they are healthy again, Melania finds herself slowly backing out of the room.

During his presidency or whatever, Melania experimented with methods of greenscreening herself out of awkward situations.

“I am trying not to let on that I am actually leaving, but offering reassuring tones as I make for the exit,” Melania said, comparing her exit to when your ass makes a sound, but you know it’s not a fart. “I don’t want to send up any signals that might cause my loving, abusive husband to give chase.”

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¹their life together

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Cory Lewandowski Died after setting himself on fire, Tuesday

Three years of hate and hype boiled over on Capitol Hill Tuesday as impeachment proceedings against President Donald Trump were unveiled to a desensitized herd of faithless swine. Naruto-running creeps circled the Washington Monument, and Jamie Jo Corne, racist leader of the Anonymous hacker collective appeared many years late with three hundred head of cattle and Articles of Separation written out in shaky calligraphy on fine vellum. “We, The People of the Confederate States of America, Proudly Declare Donald Trump King of all White Patriots.”

Meanwhile, inside the miserable impeachment hearings the pitiful repetitive squeals of Republican Representatives inspired no sympathy or rage. In an act of epic impotence Lobbyist Scumsucker Cory Lewandowski died after setting himself on fire just outside the Capitol building, reportedly shouting at police and extending a stiff arm towards the White House, “Heil Trump! Heil Trump!” As his charred flesh peeled away, eyewitnesses claimed they saw a glistening metallic skeleton and heard his voice screech in a horrific inhuman pitch, degrading towards a single piercing tone, “like a dial-up internet gone wrong.”

Left behind for once in the all-out publicity orgy, President Trump filed a civil suit against the United States Federal Government, seeking ten trillion dollars in damages for so-called Presidential Harassment. The President also messaged all his fans, asking them to consider 36 holes or a vacation at one of his many golf resorts to help offset the costs of being impeached, even floating the idea of converting many of his hotel units into ripoff timeshares. Many President fans emptied their bank accounts and are now hunkered down in an encampment outside Mar-A-Lago. An eyewitness claimed the scene there is “Some mixture of Jonestown and Joe Arpaio’s open-air prison, and nothing to eat but daily shipments of fast food meals. They nearly lynched a man for hate-watching CNN.”

Joe Biden was seen sweating and skulking in the DC Metro, waiting around for a train among the swine, trying to blend in with a trenchcoat and Ray Bans. “The Ukrainians are following me,” he whispered. “They’ve got little pellets with poisons, electrical shock heart attack tasers, God knows what else. If they don’t pull off this hit the Eastern front will fall to Putin. It’s the end of the line for Old Uncle Joe, and I’m just taking my final ride. They’ll scramble my brain with a sonic pulse if I try to hide, and there’s no way out now. The Swine have it.”