WHAMBAM, T.Y. Maam–A woman was treated with the utmost care and respect the other day, when law-abiding officers of the law grabbed a hold of her for yelling too loud near a strip mall.
Another woman had already come by and given her a cigarette, and was standing nearby when two officers approached.
“The Dollar General called and they said you’ve been out here hooting, and hollering and carrying on,” WBPD Deputy S. Lampig explained. “You been doing any drugs today?”
According to the only witness on the scene, the woman who gave her a cigarette, she said Mike “Big Boy” Traylor grabbed the unnamed woman, an older broad in her 60s, and was absolutely manhandling her.
“He jerked her up off the pavement by the arm, and he was shaking her around,” she said, now smoking the woman’s cigarette. “He was cussing her out, too. He said, ‘You get your effin ass in that car before I bust your gd brains out.’ I said you ought not treat that old woman like that. I said, ‘What if that was your mom?'”
He said, “Well, she’s not,” slammed his door, and drove away.
I threw my mom into the back of a police car. Witnesses complained, so then i publicly denied she was my mom. she said “my own son, a law officer, denying his own mother, and carting her off in a squad car.”
i looked at her in the rearview, and i said “your not my mom”
Big Boy wrote a statement for the media big dogs at Internet Chronicle, printed it out, and sent it by mail like it’s still 1957. Get the fire hoses!
This message is brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer, Inc. Creators of the Thin Blue Line Accessory Pack, on sale now at participating Harbor Freights, Tractor Supply and Walmart.
MIAMI, Fla.–Dr. Troubadour was cleared of charges Monday, immediately following a distressing incident in which he inexplicably drove onto a bike path, striking five pedestrians and killing one, as another suffers life-threatening injuries.
According to eyewitness reports, the doctor and former professor emeritus at M.I.T., Angstrom H. Troubadour, intentionally swerved into a bike lane following a confrontation with cyclists.
The remaining four victims lying in the path were handcuffed and are being detained by the Miami Police Department on charges of obstructing a bike lane.
Sgt. Bailey Bondsman said the victims are being brought in for questioning.
“We’re going to find out what they done to upset Dr. Troubadour, compelling him to drive into the bike lane,” he said. “Were they good people? I don’t know. You tell me. Some of them were not even wearing helmets.”
The renegade doctor spoke to reporters via Twitter Spaces from his Mar-a-Lago suite on Monday. Dr. Troubadour, belonging to a protected class of society, said he walked away unharmed by the cruelty of legal process.
“I stepped out of the car,” Dr. Troubadour said, “and this woman looked about ready to project her entire lifetime of bad choices onto me. She said, ‘Aren’t you sorry?’ Well, I escalated it, and I got in her face and I said, ‘What the fuck did you just say to me?'”
Dr. Troubadour, author of the best-selling 15 Emotions You Can Live Without, puffed out his fat hairy barrel chest and put both arms out in a shrugging motion – with raised shoulders and palms facing the sky – as his eyes burned with fresh anger.
“I said, ‘Yeah I’m sorry, alright. I’m sorry I didn’t hit you, too,’ and I told my girls to get their things, and I said, ‘Don’t let her negativity ruin our fun day.'”
Witnesses who waited at the scene said Troubadour pulled over and parked next to the bike path. He was overheard through the driver’s side window saying he was on his way from one pain clinic to another– the RDJ Pain Management Center, near the beach.
Sources saw Troubadour grab his things before stepping out of the driver’s seat. He walked away from the scene with three women, one appearing to have pissed herself during the event. The women proceeded to get their purses, beach towels and drug paraphernalia from the Tesla, and also did not appear to look at the scene.
“He showed no emotion,” one bystander said, who asked not to be named. “I wouldn’t either. Don’t traumatize me talking bout ‘what I did to you.’ Walk on, Doctor, walk on.”
Another witness said Troubadour owned the situation by refusing to acknowledge the people sprawled out among bicycle parts, fresh dirt, and wet grass tracked onto the path. Jeremy Raison, 42, called it a ‘textbook play’ straight out of The Alphabet of Manliness, a book published by Maddox, and still remembered by some.
“He got out, didn’t look at nobody, refused eye contact, answered no questions, and left calmly,” Raison said. “There wasn’t no laying around in the grass, bellyaching, ‘Boo hoo, I got run over by a world-famous prestigious physician.’ He just went on. They don’t make them like that no more. You’ve got to be next-level fucked up to hit all those people, and just walk away.”
Attorneys for Troubadour are seeking damages for the incident, citing tremendous medical bills received from his home office, where he is treating himself for CPTSD as a result of trauma.
The four suspects slammed into by a car owned by Troubadour are being held at the Miami-Dade County Subterranean Dungeon Filled With Piss and Bile and High Level Monsters, where they will wait indefinitely, pending further charges.
What’s up, fellow cavemen? For how many thousands of years are we going to keep calling ourselves that? I think since we’re all cavemen here, we can drop the prefix and just say, hello men. No. Somehow that is worse. What’s up, doc?
That was a good intro.
I’m Ugg Troubadour, a fresh-faced doctor for the modern caveman. Don’t believe me? OK, hotshot, you tell me: If I am not a doctor, then why am I wearing this white labcoat, safety goggles and a sick-ass watch, while you’re still traipsing around in a leopard’s skin?
Today I am presenting you with a few tips and pointers we picked up on our recent med school trip to the bush, in an effort to make your sad, pathetic caveman lives just a little more tolerable.
You’ll still be miserable, but I have to fill a page, so read on.
When tearing apart trees to make your club, aim for something in the shape of a giant turkey leg.
When crossing a river or stream, remember to watch out for other cavemen. In a moment of weakness, they’ll catch you slipping, and you’re done. There’s no such thing as Caveman Law, and it is only a matter of time before you trip up, and become something less than a man. Stay alert.
A lion was seen on the savannas. Watch out.
Health and Society
Be on the lookout for terror flax, containing a chewable seed. This flowering plant heightens the senses, opens the pores, and unlocks the inner power of bloodlust.
Go to bed early tonight, because a volcanic eruption will soon plunge the entire world into more than 30 years of winter. That is two lifetimes without sun.
With life expectancy on the rise, groups want to push back retirement age to 14 years old.
If you see a spotted lanternfly, squash it immediately. They are invasive, and feel good to squash.
You’ve had regular food. Now try: Food for thought
The brutality of existence is baseline. Happiness or joy are temporary easements of suffering.
God hates us, as indicated by thunder and lightning. That is why you have lumps and boils all over your body. Do better.
Ask yourself this: You’ve already knocked her unconscious. Do you have to drag her into your cave by the hair?
Caveman News is brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer, Inc. Remain uncontacted.
Dr. Troubadour is recognized in all 50 states, many of which consider him a real doctor.