Categories
Obituaries

Dead and Bloatware: John McAfee dead at 75

BARCELONA — Fans mourn the loss of antivirus magnate John McAfee, who died early Sunday morning at his secret houseboat on the Mediterranean Sea, near Spain.

Goodnight Sweet Prince: 1945 - 2021

1945 – 2021

John was pronounced dead on Wednesday, June 23. Cause of death was listed as “drowning associated with piracy in international waters,” concluded by a burial at sea. He was 75.

John is survived by his wife, Janice McAfee.

Reports have emerged of John McAfee supporters installing McAfee Antivirus on their machines in his honor.

Because no will was entered into the public record, John’s charity for underprivileged children online, The Little Johnny Foundation, will dissolve.

Remaining assets are to be turned over to Deep State International for future disbursement to an undisclosed bitcoin address.

Avast, ye Matey!

John, who grew up in Roanoke, Virginia, successfully killed a man in Belize but would later suffer from a damaging tax scandal spanning the world wide. When John recently failed to fake his own death, he was forced into a deadly game of cat-and-mouse, prompting Spanish conspirators to launch pirate ships in his general direction. Now, today, a wife is without her husband.

Categories
News

Peasants from around the world want to know: “Who protects the US from abusive cops?”

Because they are used to living in lawless expanse, peasants in developing nations around the world appear to look down on America’s cop crisis with dimwitted superiority.

[Editor’s Note: Sometimes people go online and make shit up]

In their own words, the peon masses submitted their remarks to the Internet Chronicle to pose a timely rhetorical question. We read them, and interpreted them for you here.

  • a peasant in vietnam once asked me if we had a People’s army in the US, I said no, and she was like “what do you have” and I said “you would literally die if i told you”
  • a peasant in newsbekiztan once asked if we had a People’s Army in the United States. I said no, and she was confused because she’s a fucking peasant and I answered her in English
  • a peasant in Myanmar once asked me if we had military coups in the US. I said no, and she was confused because we facilitate coups around the world
  • a piece of bark floating on the surface of an artificial lake asked if we had a People’s Army in the US. I said no, and it got confused and asked, “then who protects you from abusive cops?” bark has no concept of public policy
  • a simple, pissant, subhuman peon asked if we had a People’s Army in the US. I said no, and she was confused because I projected nobility onto her blank, ignorant expression
  • Little haji in the desert once asked if we have a People’s Army in the US. I said uhhh no? He looked confused as to why I would be so snide toward a starving child with a distended belly. He said “then who protects you from racist cops?”

Peasants might not be educated like us, but they’re so wise!

Categories
Editorial

Hatesec writes Immigration Policy

Here’s your chronicle.su story: Eat A Dick, by hatesec.

Nah I’m just kidding, I know you want a real editorial. Here is my immigration policy. Fuck you, how about that?

Eat my fucking dick, everyone. That’s your story. Run with it.

Kidding! (not really, I’m the edgelord of this world, evil possessor)

The media is afraid to call epic spa shooter man a white supremacist coomer.

incel politics
“Politics”

There’s your REAL immigration story. Come to America where everybody hates themselves and, by extension, you.

“I am white. That is not my fucking problem.”

That’s OK, Chad, I got you covered. We’ll say it here. He’s a rotten, racist sack of shit, and the country is full of him. Don’t let anymore shitbags like him immigrate here, that’s my policy. Don’t even let them come in through a pussy. Kill them at birth, how’s that grab you?

I am saying the young man in the news, with a neckbeard and shitty haircut, should have been ripped out of his crying mother’s arms, moments after he was born, and thrown down a hot chute that feeds straight into an incinerator. Not because of what he did, but just because, why not? Who cares. His mother is obviously a miserable cunt anyway, or she would not have raised a killer. He would already be getting handjobs from roundeyes. We can’t take anymore chances. From now on, my immigration policy states that all Atlanta babies go down the fire-chute.

Right now we can support Mexicans*, Canadians, Scandinavians, and why not: Spain. Yes they’re assholes, but they’re a special kind of asshole, and they sort of belong here – not because they helped us kill off the Indians, and they did, and that was very ugly – but because they’re white.

I’m kidding. We need Spanish population because they had Occupy Wall Street before we did, and we got some of their best protesters. They are not afraid to fight the power. They show up. They will help people stop from drowning in the Mediterranean Sea while keeping the border closed at home. That’s the kind of hypocrisy that belongs here. Like the Eve Online player base, the Spanish are equally complex people. They are chill people ruled by a hateful, corrupt government, just like everyone else.

No Brits, thank you. You have done enough harm. We are now saying “Cheers!” stateside.

That’s it. Everybody out.

*The border wall is a joke, but keeping kids in cages is inhumane as fuck. I have an idea: Why don’t they make the whole border wall out of those cages?