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World

Lebal Drocer, Inc. promises to stop whipping slaves in factories by 2024

DHAKA, Bangladesh — Atop a smelly pit, where tired women toil within dangerous textile machinery, armed foremen in mirror-visored helmets patrol a catwalk, overlooking the commotion and mire. All are contracted by the equally faceless conglomerate Lebal Drocer International.

Abortion by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
An uncomfortable chat between staff and management.

It is a normal Wednesday on the South Asian Padma Delta, which fell under corporate control at the height of the pandemic this summer. Now, more than ever, workers are endangered as the rigid, socially conservative, and brutally enforced edicts of Lebal Drocer threaten to choke the region.

Lebal Drocer associates are forced, unpaid, and punished for quitting.

Enabled by the supremacy of corporate philosophy, physical and sexual abuse in Lebal Drocer properties runs rampant, ranging from bamboo canings in Bangladeshi clothing factories, to cutting off hands, and inappropriate goosing among executive officers.

In an about-face of policy, however, the company’s CEO and spokesman, Raleigh Sakers, said during a book-signing tour that he aims to eradicate the corporal punishment of international slaves under his control by the year 2024.

Source: lebal-drocer.com

Raleigh T. Sakers

A face for the faceless

“I guess it was white boy summer, after all.”

“We like to create a culture that keeps people healthy and safe,” Sakers said, “so managers often work in uncomfortably close quarters with their slaves.”

Sakers says the poor are there to be used and, if needed, abused in the pursuit of his own murky ambitions.

“I still think of them as peons, even today,” Sakers said, “because they’re the people I pee on. Pretty easy to remember.”

Meanwhile, in America

It’s no quadruple venti latte back home, either. Workers are forced to wear diapers to keep up with robots, the robots are setting drinks on our nice hardwood furniture, and podcasts do not last an entire work day.

Although emerging political leaders like Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez support unionizing as a solution to corporate tyranny, and left-wing publications like Jacobin promote it, the abundance of material effort required to unionize has been placed on the backs of the tired, underpaid, and presently consumed laborers currently “employed” by Lebal Drocer, Inc.

Everyone who's not too busy agrees with Bhaskar Sunkara on the issues.
Everyone who’s not too busy agrees with Bhaskar Sunkara on the issues.

Bhaskar Sunkara is the founding editor and publisher of Jacobin. While avoiding eye contact with Internet Chronicle in the otherwise empty office overlooking Dumbo, Sunkara said the left works hard, but maybe not hard enough to preserve their right to work.

“They were at work when we came up with the idea,” Sunkara said, “but we thought it would be great if they stood up to their tyrannical bosses and unionized.”

Dismissing several iPhone notifications, Sunkara looked up for a moment.

“Hey…could you tell them for me?”

There has been no word yet as to how Lebal Drocer plans to implement anti-whipping measures in overseas factories, but sources inside the company say they have issued new guidelines restricting the misuse of the cat-o-nine-tails, washing mouths out with soap, and the word tarnation.

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Editorial

Dear Doctor: Marital advice column by Dr. Troubadour

Dear Doctor,

I’m trying to take care of my man, who is everything to me, and having trouble at home.

Wah! Why, just yesterday I could tell he was tuckered out from band practice. I said, “Sweetheart, you’ve had a long day. Let me cook tonight.”

I got straight to work, and in my hurry to please, threw every piece of our silverware in the new microwave.

Later I said, “Angel, what’s wrong? You’ve barely touched your microwaved silverware.”

He turned his nose up at it! He said he didn’t feel worthy of a home-cooked meal like that. He said I deserve to spark silverware in the kitchen for someone who appreciates it.

I’m starting to think he could be right.

Clumsily yours,

Lucy Ricardo


"Will I ever learn?" Patient 'frozen in shock' at the consequences of her actions.
“Will I ever learn?” Patient ‘frozen in shock’ at the consequences of her increasingly stupid behavior.

Lucy! You’ve got some splainin’ to do.

First of all, what man eats silverware? You eat with silverware, doll! Maybe jab that silver fork into a hot cut of meat, and you might be surprised where Mr. Ricardo sticks his meat.

Secondly, I just saw Rosemary’s Baby. My advice is do not turn your back on Fred and Ethel, and do not invite them into your home ever again.

Finally, don’t take my advice for granted. You’re lucky I’m even responding, much less that you have a mariachi band leader at your beck and call. An accomplished musician who – even though he never knows what paint-can-falling, penny-whistle blowing, stepping-on-a-rake type of disaster he’s about to walk into – for some reason, is happy to come home. For some reason, he loves you.

Count your blessings, Lucy. I’d love to see you make it to color.

Sincerely yours,

Dr. T

dr troubadour
Catch Dr. True every morning weekdays at 11 on FOX.

Dr. Troubadour is a licensed clinical psychologist, fellow, and research professor at the Facebook School of Medicine.

His new book, titled “10 Hidden Wisdoms of The Sopranos Extended Universe” is out now.

Lebal Drocer, Inc.

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Health

Miracle drug unlocks hellish introspective nightmare

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dr troubadour
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You got a lot of nerve walking through life and not even thinking about where you’re stepping. Take my drugs. Grow a perspective!

[Editor’s note: ALL the women i date want to know where this anger is coming from. why so many holes in my drywall? all i want to know is how many holes u got for ME?? PLEASE EMAIL. —Raleigh T. ]