Chris Nemelka: Advancement Opportunities

Christopher Numb Milka’s new book is about advancement of person, place, and time. It resembles his previous works in every way, except this one is called Advancement Opportunities and You: Christopher Nemelka’s guide to enlightenment through entheogens, having sex with Chris, and doing heroin, probably also with Chris. He is married to the Oxford comma, […]

Wow, we live in like, such an important time

Hear hear, fellow denizens! Political discussions, which have Very Important Consequences, must be taken as matters of life or death, friend or foe, Do or Die. YOU THINK THIS A FUCKIN’ GAME SON!? Be sure to personally identify yourself by a cause (any cause will do!), so that high-minded, abstract, sensitive disagreements are interpreted as […]

CHRONICLE.SU MONTHLY RANSOMWARE ROUNDUP: Microsoft Windows releases Windows 10 update demanding payments by credit card

The unprovoked attack appeared as part of routine bullshit called Microsoft feature roll-up, a process during which Windows 10 users’ machines do hidden things with implied consent, “like magic.” In the latest update, a pop-up briefly explains that it has been a while since you paid Microsoft for something, so the Fall Creators’ Update is […]

Everyone is turning into a sociopath: chronicle.su

Personality disorders are a significant, and highly sought after, social distinction in American society. But so-called “experts” warn increases in mood disorders pose a threat to public health in the United States, and probably elsewhere – surely there are other places – but who fucking cares about them? Mental illness is cool Romanticizing school shooters […]

Dr. Troubadour’s Tips for a safe, healthy 9/11 Remembrance

Sup dudes! After this year’s underwhelming 9/11 memorial (Presidents crying in a field), the kind men in charge of Internet Chronicle asked me to write this short, easy-to-understand 9/11 remembrance for dummies. Spice up your next 9/11 with a television-based diamond-encrusted, double platinum freakout, using my simple tips. Forged in a furnace of Internet Memes, […]

Is Humanity Party leader Christopher Nemelka behind the enigmatic #QAnon mask?

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Experts who once believed the Trump-allied persona “Q” to be a high-ranking official in the Energy Department are shifting their suspicions onto the mysterious leader of the Humanity Party (THumP), Christopher Nemelka. In addition to enjoying near-total control of THumP, Nemelka runs a very successful cult on the Mormonism platform, and has […]

Myspace was always better than Facebook

INTERNET — Computers turned people from apes into apes that can view and interact with apes and their messages from anywhere in the world. People are now a multiplying, interconnected, knowledge-sharing cancer. We’re a computer virus in the planetary system. But remember myspace? Sure, after everyone went to Facebook, myspace was a sad, broken scene. […]

Dr. Troubadour’s Tips for a healthy relationship, featuring spiritual expert Christopher Nemelka of the Humanity Party and second coming of Joseph Smith, Marvelous Works and a Wonder

“Playing the Game” Hey dudes. Dr. Troubadour here, and I am writing to you from Nepal! This four-part column comes after an exclusive spiritual love retreat with Trail Boss Christopher Nemelka, in which we spent two days and three nights plumbing the depths of our Mormon souls, in a divine quest to unlock vexing mysteries […]

Which TV doctor is next to be accused? Our celebrity sexual misconduct predictions for 2019

LAS VEGAS — Bookies have announced they are taking bets to see which fake TV doctor personality takes home celebrity sex offender gold in 2019. Three suspicious men surfaced with apparently clean records. We’ll unpack each nightmare together, and you’ll be ready to place your bets. “But there are stories.” Lurking behind the desperate eyes […]

‘Duncan Hunter Law’ will secure prostitutes for Wounded Warriors

SAN DIEGO — They’re not prostitutes. They’re comfort girls for veterans, according to emergency legislation protecting lawmakers from legal action when charging personal expenses without consent to political campaigns or charities. “We want to protect people like Duncan, who are not afraid to pretend to care about things in order to get shit done.” –Virginia […]