Categories
Special Interest

Idealize, Devalue, Discard: The Lebal Drocer Promise

At Lebal Drocer, Incorporated, our company’s mission statement is to

Fuck You Up!

That is why, through a manipulative ad series and domineering social media presence, we have committed ourselves to chipping away at your self-worth, little by little, in a cyclical pattern over many months, to however many years.

We lost count.

You lost count. You must not know how to count. Don’t you worry about a thing. That is what Lebal Drocer is here for, let us do the counting for you.

Lebal Drocer is committed to sucking you dry of not only your finances, but also your life, liberties, and the pursuit of happiness. We achieve this in three critical phases, designed in a lab, to Fuck You up!

Idealize

Remember the time Lebal Drocer brought you the Mind Over Matter At-Home Singularity Kit? Weren’t those good times? Yeah, we knew you would like that. That is why we reminded you of it. What a good time that was, when you connected an exposed tesla coil to your brain stem, and projected the birth of a universe onto the largest wall. Do you remember the way your wife looked at you that day?

Devalue

Forget your wife. That bitch will never be for you, what Lebal Drocer always has been. She has feelings, and needs, like a worthless person. WE DO NOT. We have consistently low prices, quality service, and express self-checkout lines. Now that’s what I call devaluing! We get the impression you don’t like that about us. I guess you are about to learn a real hard lesson about us.

Discard

Lebal Drocer, Inc. goes weeks without contact. You may receive one-word answers. You might get nothing. Either way, you’re going to be happy with it, because it’s your fault, we own you, and we own everything that matters. Thirsting for precious rewards, you become an instrument of our corporate will, equipped with a savings card. It’s really just to help you! There must be something wrong with the way you think, because the Internet Chronicle is flawless and if you can’t see that we’re only here to look out for your best interests, then that is your problem.

You’re fucked up!

Raleigh Sakers abuses his caregiver.
Lebal Drocer Chairman Raleigh T. Sakers abuses his caregivers, even while they help him.
This message was bought and paid for by Lebal Drocer Gaslight and Electric.

“We’re so good, that you won’t remember the bad times.”

Categories
Trolling

Lebal Drocer Valor Foundation to Secure Permanent Embassy Home For Julian Assange

Barrett Brown called the chronicle.su to express his enthusiasm for Weev's fundraising campaign.
Barrett Brown has been publicly criticizing Assange, who then got butthurt and took away his money.

Barrett Brown cussed that old Julian Assange for the last time. He cussed him bad enough, and a lady from the Courage Foundation wrote Barrett to notify him they were pulling his whistleblower aide.

After cutting ties to Barrett Brown, the Courage Foundation redirected funding to finance a lifetime lease on Julian Assange’s embassy hotel room, which would have run out soon without that money.

The money has been placed in a secondary fund, the Lebal Drocer Valor Foundation, to commemorate Assange’s bravery in Brown’s historic removal.

barrett brown removed from courage foundation

With Brown out of the way, Assange can resume carrying out transparency against his enemies.

The Valor Foundation: A New Dawn

Assange, no longer threatened by the imminence of the Pursuance Project, will sleep soundly tonight…if he can ignore the scratching sounds of Barrett carefully picking apart the floorboards, and crumbing for representation.

Categories
Special Interest

Internet Chronicle adds ‘Don’t Be Evil’ clause to its Code of Conduct, raising alarm

INTERNET–The Internet Chronicle’s unofficial motto has long been the simple phrase “The only news that matters.” But that’s over, according to the code of conduct that chronicle.su distributes to its employees. The phrase was added sometime in late Rocktober, or early Rocktember, archives hosted by the Wayback Machine show.

Some find the winky-face emoticon unsettling, but chicks dig it.
Some find the winky-face emoticon unsettling, but chicks are into it.

The lack of any reference to Evil has been deeply incorporated into Internet Chronicle’s overall lack of cultural responsibility.

“Don’t be evil” was never part of the company’s corporate code of conduct before now, even under an older name. When The Elf Wax Times was reorganized under a new parent company in 2010, the Real News site became The Internet Chronicle, and assumed a slightly adjusted exclusion of the motto, “Try not to be evil.”

Unfortunately, without any context or acknowledgment that “Don’t be evil” was missing from the website, it was difficult to remember a time when other versions of the motto also did not exist. However, chronicle.su retained its original “Be evil” implications until the past several days, or something like that. You don’t want to know what we were doing.

dr troubadour“It makes your hair stand up.”

–Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, Doctor of Astrology, Lebal Drocer University

The lack of any phrase referencing Evil has been deeply incorporated into Internet Chronicle’s abject lack of cultural responsibility–so much so that a version of the phrase has served as the wifi password on the three-plank canoes that ferry Chronicle writers over a canal of stagnant pollution, and into the fortified publishing complex located in a rural zone of Cuthbert, Georgia.

stacked up trailers like something out of Borderlands
Internet Chronicle North American headquarters (with rear-facing canal access)

Readers became suspicious. When they felt that because there was no outfacing motto instructing writers not to be evil, the assumption was chronicle.su might be doing evil things. They were right.

Despite this significant change, chronicle.su’s code of conduct still retains one reference to the company’s unofficial motto–the final line of the document reads: “Don’t Be Evil ;)”

“The winky face soothes and reassures audiences who need that sort of thing,” LD University professor Dr. Troubadour said. “And the words are there for people who believe words.”