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Caveman News

This is Caveman News.

News by cavemen, for the everyday caveman.

What’s up, fellow cavemen? For how many thousands of years are we going to keep calling ourselves that? I think since we’re all cavemen here, we can drop the prefix and just say, hello men. No. Somehow that is worse. What’s up, doc?

That was a good intro.

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubedaur
Don’t listen to what I say. Only how I say it. That’s called credibility.

I’m Ugg Troubadour, a fresh-faced doctor for the modern caveman. Don’t believe me? OK, hotshot, you tell me: If I am not a doctor, then why am I wearing this white labcoat, safety goggles and a sick-ass watch, while you’re still traipsing around in a leopard’s skin?

Today I am presenting you with a few tips and pointers we picked up on our recent med school trip to the bush, in an effort to make your sad, pathetic caveman lives just a little more tolerable.

You’ll still be miserable, but I have to fill a page, so read on.

Survival

  • When tearing apart trees to make your club, aim for something in the shape of a giant turkey leg.
  • When crossing a river or stream, remember to watch out for other cavemen. In a moment of weakness, they’ll catch you slipping, and you’re done. There’s no such thing as Caveman Law, and it is only a matter of time before you trip up, and become something less than a man. Stay alert.
  • A lion was seen on the savannas. Watch out.

Health and Society

Terror flax
  • Be on the lookout for terror flax, containing a chewable seed. This flowering plant heightens the senses, opens the pores, and unlocks the inner power of bloodlust.
  • Go to bed early tonight, because a volcanic eruption will soon plunge the entire world into more than 30 years of winter. That is two lifetimes without sun.
  • With life expectancy on the rise, groups want to push back retirement age to 14 years old.
  • If you see a spotted lanternfly, squash it immediately. They are invasive, and feel good to squash.

You’ve had regular food. Now try: Food for thought

  • The brutality of existence is baseline. Happiness or joy are temporary easements of suffering.
  • God hates us, as indicated by thunder and lightning. That is why you have lumps and boils all over your body. Do better.
  • Ask yourself this: You’ve already knocked her unconscious. Do you have to drag her into your cave by the hair?
Caveman News is brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer, Inc. Remain uncontacted.
Dr. Troubadour is recognized in all 50 states, many of which consider him a real doctor.

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Idealize, Devalue, Discard: The Lebal Drocer Promise

At Lebal Drocer, Incorporated, our company’s mission statement is to

Fuck You Up!

That is why, through a manipulative ad series and domineering social media presence, we have committed ourselves to chipping away at your self-worth, little by little, in a cyclical pattern over many months, to however many years.

We lost count.

You lost count. You must not know how to count. Don’t you worry about a thing. That is what Lebal Drocer is here for, let us do the counting for you.

Lebal Drocer is committed to sucking you dry of not only your finances, but also your life, liberties, and the pursuit of happiness. We achieve this in three critical phases, designed in a lab, to Fuck You up!

Idealize

Remember the time Lebal Drocer brought you the Mind Over Matter At-Home Singularity Kit? Weren’t those good times? Yeah, we knew you would like that. That is why we reminded you of it. What a good time that was, when you connected an exposed tesla coil to your brain stem, and projected the birth of a universe onto the largest wall. Do you remember the way your wife looked at you that day?

Devalue

Forget your wife. That bitch will never be for you, what Lebal Drocer always has been. She has feelings, and needs, like a worthless person. WE DO NOT. We have consistently low prices, quality service, and express self-checkout lines. Now that’s what I call devaluing! We get the impression you don’t like that about us. I guess you are about to learn a real hard lesson about us.

Discard

Lebal Drocer, Inc. goes weeks without contact. You may receive one-word answers. You might get nothing. Either way, you’re going to be happy with it, because it’s your fault, we own you, and we own everything that matters. Thirsting for precious rewards, you become an instrument of our corporate will, equipped with a savings card. It’s really just to help you! There must be something wrong with the way you think, because the Internet Chronicle is flawless and if you can’t see that we’re only here to look out for your best interests, then that is your problem.

You’re fucked up!

Raleigh Sakers abuses his caregiver.
Lebal Drocer Chairman Raleigh T. Sakers abuses his caregivers, even while they help him.
This message was bought and paid for by Lebal Drocer Gaslight and Electric.

“We’re so good, that you won’t remember the bad times.”

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Trolling

Lebal Drocer Valor Foundation to Secure Permanent Embassy Home For Julian Assange

Barrett Brown called the chronicle.su to express his enthusiasm for Weev's fundraising campaign.
Barrett Brown has been publicly criticizing Assange, who then got butthurt and took away his money.

Barrett Brown cussed that old Julian Assange for the last time. He cussed him bad enough, and a lady from the Courage Foundation wrote Barrett to notify him they were pulling his whistleblower aide.

After cutting ties to Barrett Brown, the Courage Foundation redirected funding to finance a lifetime lease on Julian Assange’s embassy hotel room, which would have run out soon without that money.

The money has been placed in a secondary fund, the Lebal Drocer Valor Foundation, to commemorate Assange’s bravery in Brown’s historic removal.

barrett brown removed from courage foundation

With Brown out of the way, Assange can resume carrying out transparency against his enemies.

The Valor Foundation: A New Dawn

Assange, no longer threatened by the imminence of the Pursuance Project, will sleep soundly tonight…if he can ignore the scratching sounds of Barrett carefully picking apart the floorboards, and crumbing for representation.