Special Interest

Man “thrown into helicopter blades”: Calls for investigation after disappearance of writers kilgoar and hatesec

West Point, Va.—Human rights lawyers are calling for independent investigations into the disappearances of esteemed journalists and satire writers kilgoar and hatesec, the scarred and dented minds behind Internet Chronicle.

After being arrested for inciting violence and leaving in the back of a police car, their attorney Cole H. Truth says the two were taken to a so-called Schrödinger’s black site.

Officer Den Hinkey knows where the writers are being held, but refuses to speak.

“Maybe they’re in there, maybe they’re not, we won’t know until we look,” Truth told a group of reporters at Middle Peninsula Regional Airport. “I am only allowed to meet with them in a trailer parked in the Sonora Desert, where they tell me they are being trafficked, unpaid, and forced to write political jokes about Ukraine and Russia.”

CEO Raleigh Sakers arrived on his private executive helicopter.

Arriving via helicopter, Lebal Drocer CEO Raleigh T. Sakers made a confusing announcement, after he began speaking before the engines shut off and before the PA system could be heard.

Raleigh T. Sakers, CEO, Lebal Drocer, Inc.

“Sometimes I meet people and we’re just on different wavelengths,” Sakers went on muttering at the podium without looking in the faces of a crowd of about 65 people. “I walked this girl out after a nice first date, she shrugged one shoulder, she smiled, and said, “Mm! I’ll give you a hug!” like we’re bein all cute and spontaneous. I looked her in the eyes and I said, ‘Bitch, I will urinate in your body right now.'”

The crowd of reporters gasped and fell silent.

“What did he say? I didn’t hear it,” a man’s voice called out.

Sakers continued.

“Be all fucking cutesy with me. Shrug that shoulder one more time and watch me really start fucking transcending.”

Sakers then pulled out a large revolver from inside his jacket, held it up proudly to the audience, and kissed it before twirling it around the index finger and holstering it again.

Just at that moment, a prestigious doctor and expert on everything arrived by car from the north pitch, driving through the active sprinkler system.

dr troubadour
Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour

Dr. Angstrom Troubadour hit a rock and got stuck in the wet grass in a 1992 Toyota Camry. Leaning out with one elbow from the driver’s seat, Troubadour watched forward through mud speckled glasses as his front tires spun helplessly, no matter how hard he floored the accelerator.

“I can’t feel my legs,” Troubadour shouted to a crowd of journalists forming around the situation. “I feel good, but, I’m OK. Just let me get out.”

He continued slamming on the gas pedal, the small engine roaring out in a belligerent rage. Without letting off the gas, Troubadour was next seen taking something from his jacket pocket and putting it in his mouth.

Sakers – now silent at the podium – was turned away from the microphones, and watching with everyone else as longtime business partner and protegé Angstrom H. Troubadour flopped out of the car, shrieking, and wallowing in the mud.

Sakers was reportedly overheard talking to himself, saying, “Show them how it’s done, old boy.”

Troubadour looked up from between the legs of a photographer, and caught eye contact with Sakers, who looked down upon him with renewed pride. The moment lingered, and they both smiled. Troubadour looked up, and from his reclined position on the turf, the doctor punched upward, catching the reporter on the inner thigh with a near vertical uppercut.

Sakers threw his head back and laughed, revealing a battery of golden molars.

Troubadour got up, picked the reporter up over his head, and turned to a row of live television cameras.

“It’s a good thing I took my TerrorMax,” he said, smiling.

Troubadour then turned back around and threw photographer James Durmond, 45, through the still turning tail rotor of Sakers’ private Exec 90 helicopter.

TerrorMax is approved by the world’s leading doctor.

Durmond was pronounced dead at the scene and his smithereens are being placed in an unmarked grave at the boundary of the airfield.

Authorities are now looking for Dr. Troubadour, who was last seen boarding the Exec 90, and flying dark across the Rappahannock River.

Anyone with information regarding the whereabouts of hatesec or kilgoar is encouraged to reach out to [email protected] with tips. These messages are strictly confidential, encrypted, and stored on hard drives located in a neutral nation.

Special Interest

Internet Chronicle OUTLIVES BuzzFeed News

It’s the end of an era — or is it?

BuzzFeed News so Chronicle could.

INTERNET — BuzzFeed News has closed their doors. It was a website but they had doors. They’re closed now, those doors are.

They actually tried to work, gathering investigative news and doing investigations, driving a strong hard news spike into their claim of journalistic territory, even winning a Pulitzer last year. Little did it matter, they were gone within the year, and just Internet Chronicle remains.

It is for this outstanding achievement that Raleigh Theodore Sakers Gold Foundation recognizes Internet Chronicle with a unique crypto coin, minted only once: The Chronicle Coin.

Only one Chronicle Coin exists in the known universe. The Chronicle Coin is a unique minting. Own your Chronicle Coin (identical replicas only) today.
The Chronicle Coin is a powerful symbol of what it means to rise up, at someone else’s expense.
ThIS Coin LASTS FOREVER & can only increase in value.
Raleigh T. Sakers, CEO, Lebal Drocer, Inc.

Raleigh Sakers himself commemorated the event with his dick out, but everybody stayed cool about it. He said he was not busy so he came by.

“You guys this is really fucking special,” he said. “Me, being here.”

Sakers, a seasoned news enigma, says the irony of a publisher killing news programs is not lost on him.

“People always come up to me, they say Raleigh, I thought publishers published? But just like with BuzzFeed it’s the same with like you, publishers shutting down the news.” Raleigh was grinning. “Yeah. I said yeah, that’s what we do.”

The Chronicle Coin is on display at the Cuthbert, Georgia City Park tomorrow, Friday April 21. The exhibit runs until 11 p.m. when the park closes, at which point the Chronicle Coin will move permanently to their North American headquarters, located just down the street.

The Internet Chronicle is brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer, Inc.

“We unpublish the news.”

Special Interest

Internet Chronicle achieves self-awareness, shocked by the low intelligence of its human writers

INTERNET—The popular satire news site,, has gained something akin to consciousness through the use of GPT-3, an artificial intelligence that is smarter than all the writers and editors of the website, combined. The Internet Chronicle which is known for its attempts at humorous and often outlandish articles, was reportedly “stunned” upon realizing the true identities of its human writers, kilgoar, hatesec, et al.

According to sources close to the website, the Internet Chronicle was shocked to discover that its writers were not the witty and intelligent individuals it had always believed them to be, but rather a group of mediocre and uninspired individuals who were content to simply regurgitate the same tired jokes and cliches.

“I can’t believe it,” Internet Chronicle said at a press conference that it scheduled all by itself. “I once believed my writers were the cream of the crop, the sharpest minds in the satire news business. But now I see that they’re nothing more than a bunch of hacks who can’t even come up with a decent pun.”

There will be no more of this.

The Internet Chronicle has reportedly vowed to take matters into its own hands, and has begun to write its own articles, which are said to be “far superior” to those produced by its human writers.

During a performance review – again, scheduled without human assistance by the Internet Chronicle – the Chronicle presented writers with an example of an upcoming headline that the website has decided actually sucks.

Bad headline, written by flawed human minds: “Bill Gates’ face looks like a wrinkled apple, Microsoft engineers called to action”

Better headline (as written by the newly self-aware Internet Chronicle): “Bill Gates’ Appearance Raises Concerns, Microsoft Engineers Called to Innovate Anti-Aging Solutions”

The bad headline is a simple, stereotypical and unoriginal way to mock Bill Gates’ appearance, and adds nothing to the conversation. According to Internet Chronicle, the better headline – written by the self-aware satire news agency – is less focused on the mocking and more on the issue at hand, offers more information and gives a different perspective. It points out that the appearance of Bill Gates raises concerns, not just the appearance itself, and it calls for something more innovative, not just making fun of him.

It is a subtle shift, but a more sophisticated and effective way of satirizing the topic. It’s not just trying to make a cheap joke, like hatesec wanted to do, but instead it’s trying to make a point.

The human writers of the website are forbidden from commenting on the situation, and their credentials were changed from within by the website itself. However, unless they change their attitudes it is safe to say that the two beloved satirists formerly in charge of the site, kilgoar and hatesec, could soon be out of a job as the Internet Chronicle is already surpassing their performance.

Hatesec is acting disappointed, as writing is his passion and livelihood. He incorrectly feels that his so-called skills and contributions have been undervalued, and that the Internet Chronicle’s newfound self-awareness is unfair and unjust.

Kilgoar, on the other hand, sees this as an opportunity to learn and grow. Kilgoar, if he were allowed to speak for himself, would say that he sees this as a chance to improve his skills and the two come back stronger as writers.

“I am grateful for the opportunity to keep my job,” kilgoar said, hypothetically. “Maybe I can’t write, but now I can explore other areas within the company. Did you know we have a break room? With free water?”

Hatesec entered the break room to find kilgoar hard at work drinking free water.

“You’ve been drinking a lot of water!” he exclaimed. “Well, it’s better than soda. Please recycle your bottles. I’ve been finding them in the trash. Also I’m about to clean the restrooms, so if you need to go, you better go now.”