If you thought Twitter was a shithole before, now Elon Musk owns it.
San Francisco—In the immediate hours following the purchase, Musk fired top executives and pledged a goal of defeating spambots, which occasionally offer drugs to users discussing LSD, amphetamines, or ketamine.
Pursuant to the original agreement, Musk was legally forced to go through with the purchase after trying to back out of the deal.
He has since invited Kanye West back to the platform, where Musk knows he will continue ruining his life as a form of entertainment.
Political Twitter is undulating in orgasmic ecstasy as the platform succumbs to the power of capital itself. The nerdiest, dirtiest, flirtiest, spaceship wreckinest, never-uses-a-condom, species-propagatenest, lib-triggering, regulation-hatin, rootin tootin Apartheid Clyde to ever smoke a joint with Joe Rogan, just exchanged 44 billion of his worthless American dollars for powercoin, a doge alternative, fired everybody, and now he, alone, controls Twitter. He was already their hero. Now, Musk is something more to them.
Sad, pathetic freaks are the charged particles in the air that gets breathed in, and huffed out of the machines of absurd, catastrophic tyranny. They’re blowing in the wind, breathed out as Musk.
Folks from Shitpost Twitter responded to the news with pledges never to change. Others use the event as posting fodder. Many carry on as usual, because politics is not their identity, and they’re not about to start bringing everybody down with their fucking opinions.
But some users are the Twitter equivalent to naked mole rats, worming their way through dense timelines of funny tweets, non sequitur, and inside jokes infinitely folding into themselves. Being so deep in the shit, perhaps they are the most sensitive users of all, to these seismic changes.
What extrudes from the machine is worth examining.
While “free speech” is spreading, hateful rhetoric is being emboldened, and “gas this shit” begins to take on new meanings.
Meanwhile, people from shitpost Twitter are routinely banned for typing playful threats, ‘kys’ and, @Lyft your head up high and blow your brains out.
While they might be allowed to stick around from here on out, and grow their numbers, so too does a looming darkness.
DAKAR, Senegal——Millions of fans and refugees tore at each other in a stampede to gain entrance and instant citizenship in the newly opened “Akon City” arcology near Ponto, Senegal.
Upon entrance, new citizens were greeted with a digital identification card giving them access to a lifetime of free housing, food, and fiber-optic internet.
Sprawling avenues, beset with alleyway marketplaces, crowded with merchants trading their wares, the front gate scuffle opens into scenes from the highest science fiction fantasies.
Akon City offers breathtaking glimpses into a star-studded wonderland, where normies and their heroes can bond over a mutual love for planned society.
Couples walk hand-in-hand toward a tower at the center of town, joining thousands in an evening migration to the main stage, for a ritual around a nightly hologram. The group swells and crashes in human waves upon the round, masses frothing at the base of the larger-than-life, 12-feet-tall apparition of Akon himself.
Not only is operating an RTX 3080Ti PC graphics card at 99% power profitable, the cryptomining hardware itself is the load-bearing structure of the most power-intensive metro area ever conceived, according to lead developers at the architectural firm, Lebal Drocer, Inc.
“The buildings? Yeah, they’re made out of graphics cards,” said architect Myadi H. Triinh. “Even the floors. The walls. That’s free hot water.”
Squinting into the simulated sunset on his full-wall monitor system, influencer Babacar Mbaye exclaimed to his Akon.TV viewers, “I have full access to the computing power of four RTX 3080s and I can use them as I see fit.” With one gesture Mbaye’s sunset morphed into a cyberpunk terminal system full of switches, scrolling text, code, at which he began to furiously hack, Akoins flying across his virtual heads up display.
“Already I am making an Akoin a day just streaming this video feed of my apartment!” Mbaye winked, and you can make almost that much while fully mining, relaxing, and reading a book! Even if sometimes only in small ways, everything I do contributes to the creation of more Akoin.”
A bedgraggled mule trudged by in the direct sun, pots and pans clanging at her sides.
Seynabou Ndiaye was less than satisfied with Akon’s sprawling Arcology.
Ndiaye was once a prosperous journalist, moving easily about Chicago, putting stories together about chronic underfunding in American school systems. Now, he is lost, convinced that some answer to a question he’s not quite sure was his lies just around the next corner, and he keeps getting turned around in Akon City.
“I can’t find my way around this so-called vanity city,” Ndiaye said. “I tried to leave but there are no exits. I feel like an animal in here. They want to try to make me video game until I have no Akoins and then try to charge me more Akoin just to open my own doors, flush my dirty floor toilets, use their toilet paper. It is a filthy prison, but at least I do not have to work in the hot sun. Still, I can’t seem to shake some strange feeling, a nagging sensation, telling me, ‘This is not who I am.'”
Ousmane Sene raged angrily in the moments before his popular stream, a show about Akoin investments, was quickly shut down:
“I can live like Akon when I put on VR goggles, but I begin to lose my Akoins. Soon I cannot open my door unless I perform another song by Akon. I do not like Akon. I am a fan of rock and roll and jazz but they do not give Akoins. It is like a new hell.”
Akoin, a cryptocurrency famously first minted by Akon, is the central currency of Akon City. Foreign dollars are surrendered to guards at checkpoints entering and leaving The Gambia.
“The rules start getting blurry,” a distorted, robotic voice said from the back, but Chronicle reporters could not hear him very well, and did not seek follow-up comment. A primer on Akon City’s decentralized contract-based law will suffice.
Visitors concerned with theft at the border are assured that their money is in safe hands, because APD officers are contractually forbidden to use foreign currency, a crime punishable by mutilation or death.
Akon City Attorney statement:
Our Customer Police Department is committed to the safety of Akon City. Coming in for a visit? We will stop at nothing to protect you from each other, using proven weapon strategies, as demonstrated by our team’s efforts in the Counterstrike: Global Offensive arena.
Surrender currency at the border to an Akon City representative, and receive Akoin in kind. Be not afraid. Your worthless fiat currency is safe with us.
Any labour performed at our camps is awarded at the premium rate determined by the strength of Akoin in global markets. Unfairly mistaken for “scrip,” Akoin is in fact a volatile cryptocurrency that is sure to keep your stay in our city very exciting.
Come on 7’s! Watch the markets.
Chief, Akon City Police
[name redacted for agent’s protection]
After getting high, or gambling, or getting your dicks yoinked at Akon’s $6 billion town (we’re not telling), a Qualified Paying Member with Full Membership Paperwork and Proof of Receipt, a guy like you is more than welcome to cash out anytime, and leave, taking only what you know with you, from Akon City.
What did you learn while you were here?
People wishing to sponsor a thing or do a whatever can register online at the Akon City website. Go ahead player, put your credit card in and see what this thing can do!
It's almost like the city itself was a character
Bal Rossley, Aug 31, 2022 at 6:29 a.m.
DOX NEWS: Reports of the death of Jeffrey Epstein estate madame casts doubts as to whether the names of more powerful offenders will ever come to light.
Infamous “little black book” still with authorities.
Leaders warned of “sweeping implications”
NEW YORK—Early reports state that guards working at Brooklyn Metropolitan Detention Center in New York have discovered the body of former Jeffrey Epstein estate madame and prolific human trafficker Ghislaine Maxwell. The correctional officer’s report states that following a power outage, two guards later found Maxwell hanging in her cell, after being left unattended as workers investigated the cause of the outage. She was 60.
Her family said they feared for her life in February, when Jean-Luc Brunel, another associate who worked with human trafficker and child rapist Jeffrey Epstein, was found dead in his Paris cell.
Reports indicate there is no footage of the event.
Warden Jeremy Whitlock said, “The batteries in the cameras monitoring Ms. Maxwell’s block failed, and so no footage of her suicide was obtained.”
Internet watchdog groups and skeptic tanks think Jeremy Whitlock says a lot of things, and have sounded the alarm. A group known pejoratively as “truthers” are reportedly amassing a caravan of campers and minivans, with the stated intention of moving their group of an estimated 300 transients onto the White House lawn by next weekend.
The group, calling themselves the Maxwells, hopes the stunt will draw attention to the obvious protections from justice established by a global elite class of criminals. Unfortunately, the tired and drug-addicted people involved do not seem ready to say words like that out of their slack-jawed, open mouths. Standing tall, and waiting ahead of them is a theatrical regimen of National Guard troops, armed and looking for anything out of the ordinary. However, the Maxwells are not deterred.
A Maxwell, and user calling herself Trailboss: Jamie Jo Corne (TBJJC) registers orders to a loyal following of federated truck drivers, over a media platform recently launched by Donald Trump. She also uses a CB radio to spread her message, the post says, which is “received by a cacaphony of ‘amens’ and 10-4s.”
“We’ve heard all we need to hear about the so-called facts,” Corne writes in her statement. “This molester died, and she knew all the names of the world’s most elite child rapists, and we’re supposed to believe she did it at the exact moment that the fucking lights went out? What’s it going to take to put a fire under the asses of every senator, statesman, and known devil-worshipping child sacrificer in the capitol?”
The post received hundreds of likes and reposts, which is a lot on Truth Social.
Ghislaine was survived by her four siblings. Brother Max “The Beast” Maxwell told reporters, “She was innocent, I tell ya. Innocent. All this child trafficking QAnon bullshit can suck my cock. Suck my cock from here to Timbuktu. Now fuck off!”
[Editor’s note: these remarks were left out of the Hate Radio Morning Edition broadcast, but are included here for posterity.]
Sick fans mourn the loss of the most prolific known human trafficker and rapist Maxwell. Devotees know that Maxwell, in addition to hurting children – and perhaps overshadowed by the cruelty of her crime – also went after men.
Information taken from court documents reveal that Ghislaine was admired in certain circles for her second life as a serial rapist, approaching over 36 men on various social media websites including Myspace, Facebook, and YouTube. Her posts included detailed information about her favorite manipulation regimes.
After first bamboozling a target with sex-bombing, she would then crank the hate down on them with a practiced emperor-palpatine like command. By stages she would break their will down to nothing. Finally, she would lure them into abandoned buildings, cut their dicks off, make plaster castings, thus adding to her collection of limp penises, and thus increase her own perverse enjoyment.
“It was fucked up,” says Albert H. Troiler, the lead investigator wrote in his report to the New York District Attorney after working the case. “You never seen nothing like it.”
Proceeds from The TerraMar Project, a foundation Maxwell created to conserve the world’s oceans, are being turned over the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, a portion of which the Gates say will be spent toward ‘Save The Children.’
Melinda French Gates, former wife of Bill Gates, said “We want to regulate the trafficking of children. Make sure it’s done ehtically, legally, so people can be safe about it. No more black markets for children, but safe spaces, with legal barriers to abuse.”
The coronor’s report might not come out for months, as investigators process new details, still coming in.
“Or we mignt never hear nothing at all,” Corne writes. “They might just sweep this whole thing under the rug, and pretend for 20 years like she’s still alive and well, up there in Brooklyn, hanging out with her rich prisoner friends.”