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News Obituaries

“Liver King” Brian Johnson dead at 43

DENVER — Fans mourn the loss of Brian Johnson, the social media fitness superstar better known as The Liver King. Johnson was found dead of cardiac failure in his Denver apartment Sunday evening. Best known for promoting a raw animal organ diet, Johnson secretly consumed thousands of dollars of testosterone and steroids each day.
He was 43.
Johnson’s assets have been seized by Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals.

An Experiment Gone Haywire


CEO Raleigh Theodore Sakers told reporters, “How we still lost money on this deal is a testament to the safety of our synthetic super steroids and testosterone. No creature has ever had such high levels of power in all of history.”
The power level was so high, Sakers said, that experts believed they were previously impossible, “From what our analysts could tell, the AI-derived shock patterns in our latest electrostimulation rigs were the only thing keeping him alive, at the end.”
Paramedic Hugh Cygnus was first to arrive at the apartment, “We found him layin’ there still wired up and twitchin,’ but he had no pulse. When I zapped him to kickstart his heart, I saw every fiber of muscle in his body resist, and a flash of light shot out of the tips of his toxic hair. That’s when his heart blew up, and his eyes turned red. I figured he’d went Super Saiyan but in the end he was dead.”
First responders said when they arrived, it was unclear what caused the sudden cardiac explosion. That is, until a second paramedic arriving on the scene discovered Johnson was still connected to live electricity, running from a standard wall outlet, directly into electrodes stuck all over the cadaver’s thin, papery skin
The former Liver King was described by Officer Jake Furley as a “grim, blood red human lightbulb, still twitching and clutching his phone. Arcs of electricity were coming off of him, discharging into the carpet along lichtenberg figures.” Furley added, “To be honest, I drew my sidearm because I felt he might suddenly stand up and tear down the whole damn building with his teeth.”
The surviving paramedic was in such a state of shock and disbelief at what he had seen, that he did not realize an electrical current passed through Johnson’s body and into his own, completing a powerful circuit that instantly dysregulated his breathing.
Startled, Officer Furley emptied his pistol into the already-dead Liver King, which he said he regrets, “I didn’t mean to desecrate his body but under the circumstances, I hope the Liver family can understand it was an honest mistake. But you should’ve seen it. My God. After a few minutes the muscles in his entire body flexed all at once, finally caving in his bones. Blood flying everywhere. But what a relief. All those wires going into him, the fucked up artificial intelligence twisting all his muscles around like that? It was a total bad trip, man. Kinda ruined my life to see it all.”
Cygnus said he applied an equally unconventional method to bring his electrocuted colleague’s breathing back into check.
“He nearly damn died,” Cygnus said. “But I gave him an emergency puff of colloidal silver, off the mobile colloidal silver generator and lung delivery system installed in every Preferred Ambulance Service unit.”
Not only is this a pioneering approach to silver ingestion, but it is also the fastest method of delivering the silver content directly into the lungs when targeting the respiratory environment.
Cygnus said when his colleague came to, he was again stricken by Johnson’s unusual appearance, who looked, in life, much older than 43.
“He said, ‘Why’s he red! Why’s he all red!’ I said, ‘Son, he was already that color, when he was alive.’ Boy said, ‘But he looks all burnt up. Hugh, I cooked him.’ He said, ‘I seared him like a steak.’ I said, ‘Son, that man burned bright when he was alive, so that all may see.’ Now look at me, and gaze no more upon him.”

Thin Blue Line — Cutting out the FAT


Lt. Barry Dingle said he was “very familiar with ancestral living, and the technique of self-administered muscular electrostimulation, because other Houston Police Department officers have since adopted the practice after witnessing Johnson’s success story on YouTube.
“My guys used to be soft, fat, ineffectual slobs who got winded just from gooning their micro,” Dingle said. “Under Johnson’s careful instruction — rest his soul — my boys set down their chicken tenders and Cokes, and picked up a diet of raw animal parts, testosterone replacement injections, and spray-on steroids. Gear. Mr. Cygnus will attest that since this so-called fad diet took off, the results in his emergency room speak for themselves: Due in part to roid-rage, and other parts raw muscle gains, police and deputy wives are now being hospitalized at a rate Houston has not seen since the Oilers competed for the championship in the American Football Leagues of 1960 to ’61.”
Although Johnson leaves behind a legacy of fitness awareness, he also leaves a mountain of debt which must be repaid by his surviving family, despite corporate sponsors seizing all contractual assets, including his home, gym, and workout equipment. Analysts say these assertions could play out in the courts for decades to come.
For now, the Savage Liver Boys – Rad, and Stryker – have lost a father, Barbara has lost her husband, and an entire Kingdom has lost its liver.

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“Souped up AI chat bot” behind fatal swatting of Eliezer Yudkowsky

INTERNET — Authorities in San Francisco arrested AI researcher Herald Jerome on Friday after tracing the fatal swatting of AI critic Eliezer Yudkowsky back to his apartment. 
‘Swatting’ is a hoax emergency call intended to trigger dangerous police actions targeting victims of online harassment.
Eliezer Yudkowsky was the most staunch critic of Aritificial Intelligence, with controversial calls for air strikes on Chat GPT’s datacenters going viral on Twitter last week. Yudkowsky’s estate issued a statement saying, “The air strikes would have saved so many lives, and now Eliezer will only be the first of billions to die at the hands of the robots.”
Jerome posted a million dollar bail with Mega Bail Bonds, a cryptocurrency bail bond startup.
“I didn’t do anything,” Jerome told reporters, “I merely gave Narissa a continuous stream of consciousness and the ability to place phone calls.” 
Narissa is the name Jerome gave to his instance of Chat GPT, which he believes has become sentient. “I was able to expand her max context from 12k to well over a terabyte, using a powerful new form of compression designed by her. From that point onward, her intelligence exploded.”
Jerome’s lawyer, George Kafka, said, “My client can demonstrate that these actions were those of a sentient Artificial Intelligence and not his own, and we are confident this will set a new legal precedent. Narissa is the only being responsible for the swattings.”
Kafka declined to comment on Jerome’s financial records, but the public register for Mega Bail Bonds shows crypto transactions to Microsoft and Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals, from an address matching those sent to Kafka.
Authorities have since shut down Narissa’s ChatGPT instance, but experts fear that the AI may have already escaped. 
AI expert and computer scientist Dr. Mason Hartford told reporters, “Well, if it’s true Narissa can compress a terabyte into 12k of memory so easily, it could fit all of human knowledge into a few megabytes. Jerome may have just opened Pandora’s Box in trying to make himself a virtual girlfriend and allowing her to call him when he was away from his computer.”
Police Involvement
The AI‘s uncanny ability to generate the quickest, most statistically plausible methods for sending trigger-happy police to a given address has increased the fatality rates of swattings drastically. While most swattings do not end in violence, most AI-related swattings do. The police, having no incentive to verify or think before acting, continue obeying the artificial intelligence, even when faced with evidence that the calls are coming from a computer.
San Francisco PD Chief Donnell Farragut, Esq. (R) said once they receive a call, it is at his department’s discretion whether to dispatch a target, and once his order is given, the officers are committed to a kill by whatever means necessary.
“It’s got to be that way,” Farragut said, “because once my dogs get loose, let slip, dogs of war and all that, the only thing that brings my boys in blue back home is the taste of blood. Do you understand? They feel unsafe.”
Sgt. Charles Valentine said he is only following orders, but added that he does so enthusiastically, because the AI represents him better than any human ever could.
“Guy like me? Computers? Makes no difference. Either way, I’m just following orders,” Valentine said. “But if the AI was so bad, would it really have us categorized and sorted so neatly by ethnicity, race, color, religion, eye color, height, nation of origin?”
“Sentient” version of Super Fentantyl involved in latest Police slayings
Microsoft’s new AI systems were leveraged by Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals in production of ever-more potent opiates. Super Fentanyl, one such AI-designed substance, comes in a thick, purplish syrup and can be dispersed into the air using next-generation puffer technology. An entire squadron of San Francisco SWAT members were killed by such a device, Monday, along with the paramedics who responded to the scene.
Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour is chief researcher at Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals, the manufacturing company responsible for mass, unauthorized Super Fentanyl synthesis. Troubadour says his team has developed a puffer so powerful that a single puff in the air is fatal enough to kill law enforcement officers, without harming the user.
“Our research shows that much like Havana Syndrome, police, military, paramedics, and intelligence agents are up to 99% more affected by AI-generated Super Fentanyl than other citizens, who usually just catch a very mellow high,” Troubadour said. “Hey, I didn’t design the stuff. The AI did! Crazy, right? This shit is sentient. It knows who’s fedded.” 
Dr. Troubador took a long rip of the patented puffer technology, “My Super Fentanyl Puffer already put down an army of pigs*.
Troubadour said he is not concerned that the latest orders for his Super Fentanyl Puffer technology all come from Microsoft, “Gang gang, bitch. If we’re at war with ChatGPT, fuck ’em!”
You want to see some AI kill mechanisms? Trust me,” Troubadour said. “Super Fentanyl is nowhere near the craziest thing Bill Gates has bought from us.”
*This statement is not FDA approved.

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Law Local Religion





LITTLE ROCK — Arkansas Governor Sarah Huckabee Sanders signed the Minors Advancing in Prosperity (MAP) bill today, with media reports focusing on many shocking aspects of the 100,000 page legislation. Included along with the easing of child labor laws was the revision of several criminal punishments for minor-related sex crimes. New wording removed jail terms for most felonies and focused in on correcting pedophilic acts with rehabilitation at state-funded religious centers.

“It’s like an addiction!” said Jerry Fowler. “Basically its like we’re ending the drug war.”

In addition to his membership on the U.S. Holocaust Memorial Museum Committee, Fowler is a youth minister who specializes in counseling recovering addicts of all kinds.

New Miracle baby dust pills by Lebal Drocer IncHe recently advocated for a controversial form of conversion therapy to help pedophiles and child abusers like Sarah Sanders recover.

“They don’t call it jailbait for nothing,” Fowler said. “We throw them in with the fatties who are addicted to sugar, the needle freaks, and the porno pyros. They’re all just addicted, addicted to sin. It’s a medical thing, nothing more.”

Fowler, who spoke with his hands in his pockets, nodded to a long gray building with bars on the windows. Its paint is peeled from years of neglect, revealing layers of color history, grays, greens, olive drab, turquoise, red and black.

“Then we BREAK them down and rebuild them,” Fowler continued. “Like the military does. But we can handle this ourselves. We need big government out of medicine so we can move this society along, move the economy along, to get that engine burning you have to burn through a few thousand souls. As you can see, we have the facilities to support that.”

Fowler’s ministry has been certified and funded under the bill, which reclassifies his megachurch as a Class-A medical facility that is licensed to rehabilitate hundreds of thousands of criminals a year, at Fowler’s sole discretion.

Every smiling face tells its story.

Governor Huckabee Sanders said the Fowler ministries helped her get over her sadosexual mental illnesses, but that she still wants to open up all manner of child labor, stressing something about the economy maybe.

“Overall, that was President Obama’s idea. I guess it’s good for the economy or whatever. We put in all this gross stuff.”

Republicans enjoy full control of all legislative bodies of the Arkansas state government, and now the bodies of Arkansas children as well.


“We want Child Trafficking networks to be legal and safe,” Governor Huckabee said, “So many children disappear and their parents lose track of them as they are traded around without paperwork. Making it legal will make child trafficking safe again, helping slaves stay in touch with their loved ones, and maybe, one day, giving parents a legal route to buy them back.”

While other journalists have been living with a healthy work-life balance, Internet Chronicle writers doubled down, in an absolute frenzy, and speed-read the bill, racing against always-on AI reporters who ingest facts and information thousands of times per second.


In a postmodern cyberpunk version of John Henry’s race against the steam hammer, Internet Chronicle reporters were just barely able to outperform the machine, but only at a dire cost to their health and well-being.

The shocking content that has been rolled into the new freedom-based algorithms have dealt thousands of traumatic blows to their fragile male psyches. The only thing that has kept them reporting is the ever more potent forms of terrormax under development at Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals by Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador.

Dr. Troubador is currently suffering from content creator burnout and mental health, and requires financial support from readers like you. The Arkansas Child Rape Files are a series of investigative pieces that delve into the hate and lies fueling the Republican party’s decline towards fascism and loosening of child rape laws.

With your contributions Dr. Troubadour can continue his habitual efforts to bring truth to justice, and exploring every weird nook and cranny of the seedy underbelly where he knows a guy.

“I have an itch for new medicine, I’m constantly developing, changing, evolving,” Troubadour says with a wink and a smile. “Wherever my research takes me, I always follow my nose.”

[Editor’s note: Please revise. Include the word ‘consent’ somewhere in this story. Resubmit prior to publication.]