Meet twitch streamer FeedJared, the world’s fattest man

INTERNET — They say the camera can add ten pounds, but Twitch Partner FeedJared has given new meaning to the old adage. The wide angle lens in FeedJared’s cam, necessary for capturing his ever-expanding body shrinks his hands and feet, lending the streamer a worm-like screen presence similar to Jabba the Hutt. He laughs often, smiling at a cascading chat flush with food emojis and eggplants of encouragement.
FeedJared accepts tips only in food deliveries, and consequently has arranged bookshelves to each side of his bed to contain it all within easy reach. These shelves are stocked with food by Amazon employees, who are seen constantly filing in and out of the room as the daily stream goes on, sometimes for up to 16 hours.
The unofficial FeedJared subreddit says Jared has reinvested his income into a cloud of surveillance drones, each equipped with powerful spotlights and cameras, to capture every crevice of his record-breaking growth in stunning 4K.
By 1,500 lbs, FeedJared became the heaviest man to have ever lived. Now at one ton, he has become a historical anomaly.
“I could not have done it alone,” FeedJared slurred, as a stagehand plugged a twinkie into his open mouth. Damage to his arteries and blood vessels in the brain have rendered him weak, and paralyzed on one side. “I could not have gothn here without my friendth in chat in their generothity.”
The novelty Twitter account TwitchFeedsJared, organizes fans to coordinate Jareds diet for maximum weight gain, and is largely responsible for the rapid gain of the latest 500 pounds through a strategic program of sweet cakes, beef ribeyes, and whole sticks of butter.
FeederJT, owner of TwitchFeedsJared, said, “We’re a community of people who are held together by our common love for feeding Jared. We just want him to be happy, and it is just a bonus for us when he thanks us by name as he eats the various food items that we select for him. We’re part of something really special, here.”
At a recent hospital visit, Jared broke the Guinness World Record for largest bowel movement for a human, and the picture of a nurse carrying the massive 38 lb fece went viral on social media, which brought him an equally huge influx of support, tipping his overall weight to over one ton.
During his glow-up announcement on TikTok, a nurse wearing tan scrubs is seen in the background, hurtling soiled towels into a laundry cart to the tune of Rod Stewart’s “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy?” She sees the camera, and quickly moves out of frame.
Jared beckons at her, his hand gripping a turkey thigh, grease flicking off of the deep fried bird.
“I would like to thank my nurth,” Jared blurted out, after swallowing a fistful of peanut butter. “She keepin’ my blood sugar low, my spirits high, oh — and she cleans my butt.”
“Darlita, pleathe come show yourthelf on thtream.”
To which Darlita is heard replying from the background, “No, senor, mi familia esta muy enferma de COVID-19.”
FeedJared turns back to the camera.
“Women!” he exclaims. “Can’t live with ’em. Can’t live without ’em.”
Doctors for FeedJared have given him weeks to live, but fans are confident he will continue to smash records.
“I think it’s just the beginning for Jared,” FeederJT writes, “With support like this he can hit two tons, maybe three tons. Nothing like this has ever happened before in all of history. We have the technology to do anything.”


Police Raid on Boone’s Mill Church of Biden exposes Satanic Democrat Child Trafficking Ring

The Satanic Church of Biden, in Boones Mill, Virginia

BOONE’S MILL, VIRGINIA — Police drew a thin blue line across Boone’s Mill, early Friday Morning, as they raided the Boone’s Mill Church of Biden. Minister Whitey Teylor, who presided over a Satanic rape baptism in honor of President Biden, was shot on sight after police were heard shouting, “He’s got a gun!” Teylor survives in critical condition at Roanoke Memorial Hospital, where he is awaiting weapon charges.

Chief of Police Freddy Jaksov said during a pseudoevent that members of law enforcement are scheduled to enter his hospital room and place a gun in his hand, proving his fingerprints were on the murder weapon.

Refuse of Biden merchandise filled Boone’s Mill after police officers tore down cheap cardboard signs littering the church’s exterior, by driving through them in a department issued Mercedes-Maybach S 680. Several mysterious children were saved from so-called rape baptism at the hands of demonic Democrats. However, upon learning these children were illegal immigrants, police promptly and abruptly put them into cages, a practice that thankfully began under Barack Hussein Obama, but that the police nonetheless support.

“The police are animals,” Teylor said. “Cages are the only thing they know.”

Reverend Teylor is charged with “shitting up” Boone’s Mill, where people are already too ugly, following with an ordinance passed by the drunken city council late Thursday night. After the raid he is facing much more serious charges. He is facing 57 charges of conspiracy for the satanic communist pedophile network and 91 relating the the abuse and smuggling of illegal minors which, according to pediatrician Dr. Angstrom H. Trusmeboy, is not that many.

“I’ve seen a lot of trafficking,” Trusmeboy said. “There isn’t much demand for these ones, it’s a niche market, and he’s going to take up space here in my shop. Best I can do is a thousand and five, firm.”

Jaksov later told reporters, “If you find any Biden worshipers out here, report them to us at once, and we will raid their asses, with our batons. You know what they’re doing! We know what they’re doing. Let’s crack some skulls, January 6 style.”

Jaksov took the condom off his baton, and threw it on the ground at his feet.

[UPDATE: Fingerprints identified as belonging to Teylor were found on the murder weapon discovered in his hand by police who, by chance, found it on his person as it left their position into his right hand. According to sources inside the global collective unconscious, he is now fucked.]


After brief reemergence, JFK Jr. shot dead in Dallas motorcade

This screenshot was taken moments before JFK Jr. was assassinated on his motorcade in Dallas. The video has been scrubbed from every platform, and is no longer available.
This screenshot was taken moments before JFK Jr. was assassinated on his motorcade in Dallas. The video has been scrubbed from every platform, and is no longer available.

DALLAS — John F. Kennedy Jr. appeared briefly in Dallas on Tuesday, as predicted by Qanon, and was seen waving to crowds from the sunroof of his bulletproof Cadillac before he was shot in the torso and carried off in what onlookers described as a black, deep-state ambulance.

He was smiling, “so happy,” and looked like he hadn’t aged a day in 22 years, said Maria Sabinski, 47, who showed up to witness the ‘Dead Kennedy’ come out from hiding.

JFK Jr. was expected to announce Trump’s presidency, dethroning Biden, and explain why everyone thinks he is rising from the dead.

“We heard a crack from the book depository, then two shots rang out from a grassy knoll,” she said, gesturing in each direction.

“His expression changed. He looked surprised, then pained, as he clutched a spot in his belly. They took him out of one black car and put him in another. Then they all sped off together, like a bat out of Hell.”

It's still got that new flag smell
A woman witnesses the assassination in broad daylight of JFK, Jr. who was scheduled to announce Trump the number one best president of all time.

JFK Jr., originally believed by uninquisitive NPC sheeple to have died in a plane crash over the Atlantic Ocean in 1999, was expected to declare Donald Trump as president.

Mere seconds before the world-shattering announcement, he was brutally murdered from the old book depository building, a security blind spot that has plagued presidential motorcades passing through Dallas for more than half a century.

Barry Knudsen, core disciple of QAnon and Lieutenant Digital Soldier, told reporters, “We are all QAnon, we are the main characters in this story. Where we go one, we go all.” He gestured at the crowd of weeping fans, “You see these guys and gals here, they aren’t just sheeple hiding behind their computers talking shit, like demoncrats. Look at their faces, they really want to protect the children. They really love the children. They’ll do whatever it takes.”

All mention of the incident was scrubbed from social media. QAnon fans who shared screenshots of deleted posts quickly faced system crashes after which their devices would no longer boot and upon close inspection were wiped of all data.

Dallas Sheriff Harold F. Gloasen told reporters, “We had no reports of a shooting, of shots fired, nothing. There were no permits issued for a motorcade through Dealey Plaza, and certainly no murder case for the long deceased JFK Jr.”

A mother, who asked not to be named, was out shopping with her 1-year-old infant when she passed by the confusion.

“First I was like ‘are they saying the Pledge of Allegiance right now?’ I didn’t even want to walk by them, but there were so many people they were blocking the sidewalk,” she said. “That’s when I saw John F. Kennedy Jr. hanging out of a limousine. I just went ‘huh, I thought he was dead.’ Now I guess he really is.”

The Biden Administration refuses to acknowledge the high-profile assassination of a political leader that until now, was presumed dead.

Our prayers are with the Kennedy family as they attempt to find out which underground deep-state human containment facility is processing the corpse of JFK Jr., the Herald of Truth.