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Shortage of faith leaders and exorcists to blame for demon-inspired school shootings

LUTHERVILLE, MD — Faith leaders across America are reporting a sudden shortage in exorcists and other niche faith services due to hyperinflation, causing a catastrophic rise in demonic possessions and school shootings.
This report comes on the heels of the shooting in Uvalde, in which the shooter’s grandmother was targeted by a demon in possession of her grandson. The grandmother, originally from the Gustavo A. Madero in Mexico City, is a prolific exorcist utilizing traditional catholic methods transferred to her in a vision from the Lady of Guadalupe at her shrine in Tepeyac. Others in the faith community believe  the demon feared the grandmother for her lifetime of exorcism. After sustaining injuries from the demon, she may never be able to exorcise again.
Reverend Angstrom H. Troubador said, “Demons are infiltrating society through porn, masturbation, video games, but worst of all, politics. Churches across America are becoming dangerously politicized, giving entrance to demons and turning Jesus off to the sermons.”
Troubador added, “Obviously the demons are targeting younger and younger children, trying to bring children of a sinful society to hell before they ever have a chance to repent. Even worse, the demons are grooming disaffected young men to do their bidding through mass marketed satanist ritual. It’s been reported that the Uvalde shooter’s browser history was littered with Miley Cyrus twerking performances.”
The shooter’s mother said, “He was a perfect angel until the demon took control. The demon came in at him through the internet, through social media, through Miley.”
The pall of death has been cast over Lutherville, Maryland, where local officials recently banned prayer from schools.
Mayor Gunther Setback feels the town’s new anti-faith measures will lead to perdition, “The idea that this could happen here is unthinkable. But I can tell you just how it will go down. Because not enough praying or thinking is happening, now God is planning a mass shooting at any targets that are not fortified by faith — another school most likely, where prayer is not allowed.”
Thursday classes are cancelled and families are considering keeping their kids home Friday, after the mayor’s statements frightened Christians and angered local Atheists. Many children have chosen to stay home and pray in defiance of their parents and the school board’s wishes, some even going so far as to organize open carry anti-demon walkouts.
“I’m doing my part. Dad bought me a gun and sissy a gun.” says Billy Mashoter, age nine. Mashoter festooned his gun with stickers, symbols of faith, and inspirational messages hand-written in white paint. “Guns are the only answer to the demon problem now that there’s no more priests left in our state. I put these symbols on my gun so it can only be used to slay demons.”
Young Mashoter rifles through his Huggy Wuggy backpack, showing reporters a collection of highly specialized ammunition while YouTube videos play through an algorithm of bizarre and disturbing content. Anthropomorphic guns are coming to life and singing cheery tunes about manifestos, promising life-for-a-life retribution at each abortion in America. A claymation Sodom and Gomorrah scene plays out, guns singing in staccato bursts,
“We root and we toot
we aim and we maim
You scream and scoot
and we shoot the lame
The devil himself holding the gun
while god pulls the trigger
Satan, laughing, spreads his wings.
Repent now! Set up recurring payments to the NRA and watch god really start smiling.
Pick up a gun!
Pick up a gun,
Put satan on the run.”
At the dilapidated police station which somehow accounts for nearly 80% of the county’s tax expenditure, Derek Shelton, Sheriff of Lutherville, insults Internet Chronicle journalists before a single question has been asked. “Suck my fucking pistol, motherfucker. Blue lives matter” his cadence rises and falls with the owl-like twisting of his demon-infested head. “You want to know my goddamn plan for the impending demonic assault on our elementary school? We’re going to let it happen. We’ll secure the hallway and wait for the real cops to show up, the immigration enforcers and until then, we’ll keep the citizens in order. Then when the kids are all lying on the floor bleeding, maybe we’ll mace the  god damn paramedics, too.”
Shelton noticed a little green alien in his peripheral vision, interrupting his sermon.
“Who the hell is he?” Shelton asked. No one else saw the alien.

The Internet Chronicle remains fun for “both sides” thanks to cats being thrown into rivers in a burlap sack, and contributions from people like you. Scum people. Nobodies. Nothings such as yourself, the reader.

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Old Man Eddie’s cabin is hidden amongst the flowering cannabis plants

The Internet Chronicle, long believed to be a disinformation platform and an injection point for feds wishing to contact the internet’s top hackers, was confirmed Friday to be cooperating with lead psychological operators who cut their teeth on groups like LulzSec and Lizard Squad.

Agent Robert Smith confirmed the leaks after Anonymous investigators confronted him with the documents outside FBI Headquarters in Washington, D.C.
The documents show snitch-ass writers hatesec and kilgoar were entrapped by the amazingly talented writer Tyler Bass, who never approved of their brand of “comedy” and would often publish 150-inch paragraphs inundated with references only he understood. Years later, however, the hidden significance of his important works manifested in the form of handcuffs around his former colleagues.
“We were always there when the party was busted,” kilgoar said. “But we walked. We always walked, until that fateful day when we came across old man Eddie. We were going through some fields, following a trail of psychedelic mushrooms when we came across a holler full of marijuana and an old man pointing a gun at us from a seemingly abandoned house.
“Hatesec smooth talked our way right into that man’s dilapidated parlor, and seeing my fiddle, the old man puts the gun down and whips out his banjo, starts playing some ethereal ambience. I strained to follow the music, which could only exist in this forgotten place and was so distant from anything I’d previously imagined. Eddie said he was the oldest man in West Virginia, 115 years. But our walk could not have possibly taken us as far as West Virginia, and by appearance he was no older than 90, so maybe he was confused on that point. So we get to jamming, but it was hard for me to follow him and I asked him what key he’s playing in. He gets to talking about how the atmosphere is a secret that will die with him, and I just shrug and try to find some simple melody that will go along. He got aggravated by this, scowling as soon as it started to sound halfway right, and might have picked up his gun if I had continued. He said to me, ‘The trick is it’s tuned to the resonance of yonder,’ as he gestured toward the mountains with his banjo. ‘But it really ain’t tuning, not properly.'”
“Over the next several hours we learned that he had invented many common jokes and sayings, including ‘barn burner’, claiming that he was indeed the man who had lit the proverbial fire with a bottle of moonshine and a 12 gauge double barrel shotgun loaded with Dragon’s Breath. At this image, hatesec brought up the CEO of Lebal Drocer, Raleigh Sakers, as this was his favorite way of burning evidence. At the mention of his name, Eddie’s hospitality was shattered. ‘I taught Raleigh everything he knows, and then some! That little son of a bitch betrayer! Did he send you? Did he?'”
“Eddie whipped out his double barrel, got on the phone with the local sheriff, and the next thing you know that fat bald fucker hit us with 115 counts of trespassing, one for each year of Eddie’s life, he tells us this, and he’s set our bail in the billions, as a gag. Raleigh is on the phone screaming about how he’s going to have Eddie’s cabin droned. Turns out old man Eddie is the mastermind behind QAnon, the alt right, and things much less wholesome than a lil ol’ barn burner, and he’s been manipulating Tyler Bass against us for years.”
The entire staff of Internet Chronicle is now facing over 20,000 years in jail merely for merely clicking a link.

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Health Science Technology

Biden era chemtrail push shatters particle records of Obama regime

Los Angeles–Private citizen journalists across the nation are reporting the thickest chemtrailing yet, as particle records reach historic highs in the first weeks of 2022.

Chemical particles are so dense that government poisons are visible to the naked eye, even at ground level, which is now hazy and adulterated with ‘unknowable’ vaccine chemicals.

Infrared gas-imaging cameras capture an oceanic 'chemsheet' with contrails for seams, as it is blown out to sea over the Atlantic. January 21, 2022
Infrared gas-imaging cameras capture an oceanic chemsheet, with contrails for seams, as it is blown out to sea over the Atlantic. January 21, 2022

High profile celebrity sheep dogs want to set an example, with veteran broadcaster Joe Rogan leading the pack.

“I’m wearing a mask all the time,” Rogan said on his Thursday podcast. “I’m wearing it in public, in my car, in my own house. Not out of fear of the phony Corona panic. I’m wearing it to protect myself from the chemtrails, dog. They’re putting vaccines in them now, so I’m running air filters around the clock, keyed into a — what’s it called, Jamie? — a hydrogen peroxide nebulizer. Trying to keep this government filth out of my lungs.”

Rogan, whose lifestyle runs the gamut of Eastern wisdom to wanton drug abuse, and was once rumored to be dead, now takes vitamin D supplements and wears two masks at all times.

“Hear me out. They’re hitting the biggest patriots with a one-two punch. It’s insane. First they come at us with the Corona panic, and the result is predictable. The people who are thinking for themselves, standing up for their freedoms, we all know it’s a scam. But is it?” Rogan asked. “When all the most pathetic sheeple are double masked, that’s when they really started to lay down the chemtrails, so thick that even strong people are having their good lungs give out on them. It hit me hard, really hard. And now that millions of people are dying, they can just blame it on the COVID. Call me a dumb liberal all you want, but I’m double masking my way through this one.”

These widespread suspicions appear to have been confirmed by investigators from Internet Chronicle, who impersonated Biden genocide officials, in order to speak to sales reps at Boeing, where access is limited to a privileged class of high powered mass killers.

Angstrom Troubador, a sales representative for Boeing, boasted to investigators that his project is the deadliest, and least-humane passenger jet the company has ever produced.

Each new Boeing aircraft comes with a reinforced jail cell, for unruly anti-maskers.
Each new Boeing aircraft comes with a reinforced jail cell, for unruly anti-maskers.

“Every new Boeing 747 produced will have a massively expanded chemtrail capacity and a steel-reinforced brig for unruly passengers who resist mask mandates,” Troubador said.

Troubador also gave investigators a sneak peek into Boeing’s new partnership with Google, the Boeing News Bar, a powerful machine learning tool that will force personally targeted fearmongering propaganda onto unwilling passengers.

“On the back of every headrest is the Boeing News Bar, which cannot be disabled,” Troubador said, peeling his lips back in a smile, revealing rows of teeth. “The Boeing News Bar is a live-updating ticker that shows passengers all the hottest takes, fakes and entertainment in real time. Something wicked this way comes.”

His eyes fell to our feet on the floor, and traced back up to our faces.

“More importantly,” Troubador said, “it will inspire fear among the weak-minded, and force them into Conformity+, an in-flight technology tailored for terror. Also, it will provide a humorous window into the antics of non-conformists who find themselves confined to the aircraft’s new brig.”

Troubador chuckled, winking at the investigator. He was onto us.

“Just like y’all, I fly First Class, all the way, so I don’t know what the animals in coach are doing,” Troubador went on. “I just know I’m up here in the blankets, watching Mulholland Drive, and getting my dick sucked like I’m on the Lolita Express. This one’s got a cell, too. So when the plebs in the back are acting up, flailing around like their silly January 6th play-acting is going to get them anywhere, I’ll flick over to the live view of the brig, to watch some screeching QAnon jagoff on the fucking News Bar! I love to see them fighting to not wear masks, even while we’re spraying them down with the poison. What could be better, right? Hilarious. Life after the Great Reset is going to be like heaven on earth.”

Boeing began production on the airliners in May of 2020, with at least twenty of the new 747s now airborne, and likely responsible for the bulk of thickening trails in the sky as well as malaise, lethargy, and dry skin reported by citizen journalists. Old airliners are being retrofitted with the new software and equipment at the breakneck pace of five per day.

The newest airliners in manufacture will be the first passenger jets in more than 50 years to feature in-house entertainment.