Categories
Technology

Scientists create MUTANT enzyme that recycles news headlines “in hours”

INTERNET — If it sounds too good to be true, that’s because it came from Lebal Drocer Laboratories.

A mutant amoebic enzyme that breaks down news content for recycling has been created by scientists working tirelessly at Lebal Drocer Laboratories in Van Nuys.

The enzyme, originally discovered in the garbage outside the home of deceased FOX News anchor Sean Hannity, reduced news headlines, such as those found on standard broadsheet, to clips and phrases that were then reconstituted into brand new meanings. Existing technologies usually require a blogger between the keyboard and chair.

The megacorporation behind the breakthrough, Lebal Drocer, Inc., said it was aiming for industrial-scale news regurgitation within 2 years. It has partnered with major companies including TerrorMax, Pfizer and Apple, where they say the technology can also be used to break down pill bottles and obsolete computers. Independent experts call the new enzyme everything from alarming to concerning, and very exciting!

Sean Hannity was once found dead, his body covered in Fentanyl patches. Lebal Drocer changed all that.

Trillions of paragraphs of journalistic waste have polluted the news environment, from the Halls of Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli, and pose a significant risk to public well-being. Critics have called for revitalized public education as a countermeasure to toxic news reporting and propaganda, but Lebal Drocer threatens to reuse every news headline that hits their Artificial Intelligence learning machines by the Fall of 2022, promising to permanently transform human perception of reality forever. Yeah, we knew you’d like that.

The new enzyme was revealed in research published on Saturday night in the Sakers Weekend Journal of Biomedical Nightmares. The work began with the intake of “thousands” of issues of old spunked-filled New York Posts found outside Hannity’s home nearly four years ago. Hannity was recently named by Media Watchdog as the world’s leading source of coronavirus misinformation.

CEO and Lebal Drocer Newstrition Committee Chairman Raleigh T. Sakers announced in 2017 that he was planning to kill himself spectacularly in front of friends, family and the media. Now, with this new enzyme, science predicts narrative timelines that flourish and emerge naturally “from the ether” can rewrite this data to misrepresent the event, rewrite history, or even generate entirely new reports ready for publication at the legendary, and infallible, Internet Chronicle.

Stay tuned for breaking news updates — from an amoebic reaction!

The Internet Chronicle

Your stupid body doesn’t know the difference!

Raleigh T. Sakers, Lebal Drocer, Inc.
Raleigh T. Sakers, Lebal Drocer, Inc.
Categories
Technology

Twitter squashes profit bug that “protected users”

INTERNET — At long last, Twitter has removed a petulant privacy bug from the platform that prevented advertisers from gaining necessary access to sensitive details about the entire user base.

A valuable option in Twitter’s privacy settings called “Share your data with trusted affiliates” once enabled trust between consumers and good-natured cookie salesmen. Now, that special trust can never be disabled. It is being heralded as a day of light, disinfecting some of Twitter’s darkest corners.

The staggering effect of this devastating boon to customer relations will expand throughout the Internet, according to Dr. Anstrom H. Troubadour of the Internet Chronicle Institute of Advanced Intelligent Learning.

“We all aged a little faster, today,” Troubadour said.

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubedaur
I’m Dr. Troubadour, and I know shit. In case you don’t know I know shit by what I am saying, you can still tell by how I’m saying it.

Twitter users in the barbarian regions of the European Union, and United Kingdom, will have to opt in – like animals – to sharing their much needed private details with advertisers representing Kellogg’s, part of a complete breakfast, Google, whose slogan is “Don’t be evil,” and the beloved Disney who brought you such motherfuckers as Bambi, The Lion King, and Robin Hood.

Selling your data is the most important thing in this world to Twitter. Before providing anything to friends, family or loved ones, Troubadour advises readers to first share marketing data with trusted privacy-aware partners at Twitter.com, as tidings of good cheer for all they do for us.

Twitter has a long way to go before their work is finished restoring relations between advertisers, users, and their precious, life-sustaining data. Settings like “disable web tracking” still pose a threat to those relations. What are you afraid they’ll find?

Additionally, loopholes in the law continue to obstruct the free flow of such vital information as your name, email address, phone number, and username.

“Because the American legislation system is so MESSED UP,” Troubaour said, “Twitter profits didn’t grow fast enough last quarter. It seems, rather unfairly, that no amount of lobbying Congress can save us. Like the coronavirus, this threat to privacy is a global issue. It’s going to take more than a gift basket, or a handjob, to start explicitly selling usernames.”

With everyone stuck in their homes, now is the perfect chance for a pure measurement of our social value, so hop on Twitter, and show the advertisers who you really are!

This message is brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
We don’t give a fuck about your privacy. We only want your MONEY.
Categories
Technology

Blizzard Entertainment shoots Hong Kong protester at point-blank range

From the churning maw of Lebal Drocer, comes

INTERNET CHRONICLE REAL NEWS TRUTH DESK

WHAT THE LAMESTREAM MEDIA DOESN’T WANT YOU TO KNOW

News of the World!
MURDOCH FAMILY ENSLAVES CHEETAHS TO PUBLISH TRUTH FASTER

NEWS OF THE INTERNET

wow! very truthful and honest

CHRONICLE.SU–PREMIERE CHAT NETWORK MADE AVAILABLE TO PUBLIC AT LARGE. IT’S PUBLIC JOURNALISM!

Cheetah
Cheetahs now course through your cerebral cortex.

NEWS OF THE NET FUNCTIONS BY WAY OF A NEURAL NETWORK OF MINIATURE CHEETAHS, AND IF YOU’RE READING THIS, THEN YOU HAVE LITTLE CHEETAHS RUNNING AROUND IN YOU, RIGHT NOW!

THAT’S RIGHT, YOU’VE GOT MICROSCOPIC FUCKING CHEETAHS, AND THEY ARE DOG PADDLING AROUND IN YOUR BLOODSTREAM.

THIS RARE, PATENTED METHOD OF HIGH TRUTH CONTENT ‘JOURNALISM’ JUMPS FROM BRAIN TO BRAIN, TO BRING YOU THE TRUTH, AS FAST AS YOU CAN MAKE IT UP!

FUCK YOUR NEURAL PATHWAYS!

THEY’RE GETTIN’ TORE UP BY THE GORGEOUSLY MARKED FUR OF A MAJESTIC SAVANNAH CAT, SPRINTING THROUGH THE TALL GRASS.

Expert Analysis:

“Years of warmongering, bloodthirstiness, and Sprite commercials featuring basketball players brought society to this inevitable conclusion: the scientific and medical perfection of these tiny cheetahs, turning everyone into citizen journalists. If you got an iPhone, you’re a fucking warrior on the streets, fighting for Truth. If you got cheetahs, ain’t nothing going to stand in your way.”

I’m Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, and I invented the microscopic nano-cheetah. I tend to quote myself throughout my own work.

The following portion of this article is brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer, Inc., the first multinational corporation to be granted personhood, and the only company that capitulated to China, before it was cool.

Gamer-Gator News:

[insert image of woman-hating alligator]

Blizzard Entertainment shoots Hong Kong protester at point-blank range

Hearthstone “too boring” but “not shitty” enough for Chinese markets, critics warn.

HONG KONG–Scenes of violence played out across Hong Kong Tuesday as anti-government protesters fought for independence from China on the country’s 70th anniversary. Hong Kong has been under a condition of civil unrest for more than four months, after China announced dibs on the unique city, which spent much of its history living in a more civilized manner while under British colonial rule. Blizzard joins the ranks of Google and Facebook as the NBA sweethearts of the People’s Republic of China.

Blitzchung, an 18-year-old protester, was killed execution-style with a snubnose .38 revolver discharged by a top executive at the California-based videogame company Blizzard Entertainment, while exchanges of tear gas and moo-shu cocktails took place around the city’s 13 districts. Blizzard entertainment is the video game giant behind StarCraft, World of Warcraft, and Hearthstone.

During Blizzard’s official broadcast of the Asia-Pacific Grandmasters competition, the now-executed Blitzchung appeared in a post-match interview wearing a gas mask. As the broadcast ended, Blitzchung shouted “Liberate Hong Kong, revolution of our age,” as the hapless and irresponsible Blizzard newscasters ineffectually hid from Blitzchung’s message behind their hollow desk. They were subsequently stripped of all clothing and fired into space as an integral component in the latest testing of China’s Long March 11.

Broadcasters tried, fruitlessly, to hide from the Broverlord.

Blizzard Entertainment is now at the center of controversy after the public learned of its pivotal role in the violent and murderous suppression of dissent from Hong Kong protestors. Blizzard’s retribution to critics has been swift and merciless including toxic gas, sonic assault beacons, and privatized robot police squads to patrol Hong Kong, as well as a billion dollar tax-deductible write-off to the CIA front, non-profit Video Games Free Asia.

Now that freedom and democracy threaten Blizzard’s standing with the People’s Republic of China, Blizzard CEO Michael Morhaime told reporters over a hot, smoking revolver, “This time, the bullshit is done”.

Morhaime threatened to crush opposition to the People’s Republic of China, and swore a solemn oath to protect both born and unborn video game consumers at a solemn ritual in the South China Sea. This historic ultimatum was heralded by a deep, honeyed foghorn and the detonation of a distant tactical nuke, which pierced through the smog of China’s forbidden media market, a final beacon of lost hope and freedom.

“If you think Blitzchung was bad, you ain’t seen nothing yet,” Morhaime said. “We have just executed the first of many protesters we intend to shoot who would dare defy the mechanical purity of Hearthstone. Why, when I’m finished with Hong Kong, they’ll be calling me Michael Moreharm!”

Raleigh Sakers abuses his caregiver.
Raleigh Sakers abuses his caregivers, even while they are helping him.

But Michael “Moreharm,” as he’s now known on Chinese Social Media Weibo, isn’t the only billionaire trying to horn in on the trillions of potential Chinese consumers. Eccentric thrillionaire and Lebal Drocer CEO Raleigh T. Sakers said millions of Chinese have knelt at his feet, licking the boots of pig officers and chewing on still-smoking rubber bullets.

“But that’s alright by me,” Raleigh says. “I like my boots clean. Now lay down and chew that toy, dog.”

“They’re people just like you and me,” Raleigh said. “Me? I name my people. This one’s a Chinaman, but–you guessed it–I call him José. José why don’t you come here, son, let me tuck your shirt in for you.”

Come here, son, let me tuck your shirt in for you.

Raleigh T. Sakers, Lebal Drocer, Inc.

Sakers makes sport of his Chinese workers, flipping their noses, forcing them to play fetch, fucking their wives–he says it keeps him young.

Videogame expert and Kotaku journalist Heather Marsh, who wrote her own Wikipedia article, said, “Blizzard might have an Ace up its sleeve now that Hearthstone is doomed to dessication and the permanent taint of murderous dictatorship. They are about to unleash a Chinese-only mobile augmented reality environment based around gamifying crypto-microtransactions with artificial rarity in micro-economies. It’s like Pokemon Go, only more costly and addictive.”

Dr. Troubadour, trusted researcher and Chinese futurist, said it could be just what the company needs to parlay the global backlash into huge dividends.

“Even the true die-hard fans will eagerly pre-order Blizzard’s upcoming release, Dissent Crush Saga. And considering Trump’s plan to weaken the dollar, every investment in China is worth ten times an investment in the West.”

Raleigh says that’s just great. Moreharm says watch out, fuckbois: Blizzard gon’ keep your prize winnings, and take what China give ’em, too! Dr. Troubadour, as you’ll recall, gave you cheetahs.

Cheetah Mogul is a proud beast of elegant efficiency, and he courses within your veins like a ghost in the shell, designing the world not as it “really is” but as YOU perceive it.

“Yeah, we thought you’d like that.”

Cheetah Mogul is brought to you intelligently by the Internet Chronicle: Where your dreams become reality.

CHRONICLE.SU IS A LEBAL DROCER PRODUCTION. ANY ATTEMPT TO REPRODUCE THESE MATERIALS BY CREATING COPY, SIMULATION, OR MENTION IN YOUR MIND WILL BE INTERPRETED AS AN ACT OF AGGRESSION, TAKING PLACE WITH OR WITHOUT DR. TROUBADOUR’S PATENTED CHEETAH BLOOD ENHANCEMENT, LEAVING YOU OPEN TO CIVIL SUIT, INJURY, OR DEATH.

“I am the one who controls the sun.”

–The Lebal Drocer Promise (Hussein 14:27 Beautiful Babies, verse 9)*

*[Full text: Sed ut perspiciatis unde omnis iste natus error sit voluptatem accusantium doloremque laudantium, totam rem aperiam, eaque ipsa quae ab illo inventore veritatis et quasi architecto beatae vitae dicta sunt explicabo.]

In other news

President Trump accused the FBI of falling behind in high-profile civil rights assassinations

Mark Zuckerberg comes forward with new information on Hunter Biden

Secret Court: Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, Syphillis infections hit new highs in one man’s pants

California becomes first state to allow intentional HIV infections

Group of teen girls kidnapped after setting trap for California pedophile

More than 340 elves will be out of work before Christmas

Louis CK convicted of harassing Parkland victims’ families

China state TV heralds Internet Chronicle: ‘it is a bastion of prosperity’

A dog saved his owner from a devastating housefire by continuously nagging him to change the batteries in a smoke detector

Jerry Falwell Jr. suspected of “raping angels”

Vape Crisis: more than 100 people are under supervision after looking like severe douchebags

Works Cited

Anti-Leader’s Handbook

Cheetah Mogul Methodology and Research Manual, Vol. II (Lebal Drocer Press)

Lebal Drocer BOOK OF PROVERBS (TM)

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