Finally some good news: “This PC can’t run Windows 11”

Redmond, Wa.—In a shocking turn of events, Microsoft CEO Bill Gates attempted to push the new Windows 11 update on loyal customers, only to have his plans backfire spectacularly. The update software, which was supposed to be a revolutionary step forward for the company, was instead met with widespread criticism for its condescending and insulting tone toward existing customers.

Bill Gates is pressuring engineers at Microsoft to come up with a Windows 11 update for his icky face.
Bill Gates is pressuring engineers at Microsoft to come up with a Windows 11 update for his icky face.

Despite Gates’ assurances that Windows 11 was a “game changer” and “the future of computing,” users were quick to point out that the update prompt was filled with arrogant and patronizing language. One user said, “I’ve been using Windows for over 20 years, and I’ve never felt so disrespected by a software update.”

Adding to the frustration, many users reported that the update itself was riddled with bugs and glitches, making it nearly impossible to use. One user said, “Another layer of polish on the same old turd. I tried to install the update, but it just kept crashing my computer. I ended up having to roll back to Windows 10.”

“Your computer is such a piece of shit we can’t even tell how much hard drive space it has.” —Microsoft

In a desperate attempt to salvage the situation, Gates issued a public apology, saying, “I realize now that we may have come across as arrogant and out of touch. We want to assure our customers that we value their feedback and will do everything in our power to make sure that future updates are more respectful and user-friendly.”

However, it seems that the damage has already been done, as many users have pledged to never update to Windows 11, no matter how good it may be.

One imageboard user took to 4chan, saying, “I don’t care if Windows 11 is the best thing since sliced bread – which it isn’t – each iteration sets you one more click back from making your PC do what you want – I’ll never trust Microsoft again after this condescending update. My PC can’t run Windows 11? Great, I guess that means you’ll be leaving me alone, then.”

The incident serves as a cautionary tale for tech companies everywhere, reminding them that even the most cutting-edge technology can be undone by a single arrogant and out-of-touch update prompt.

Hate Technology

Chaos looming amid social media collapse: “Everyone is watching”

SAN FRANCISCO—Agents are now posing as the recently deceased Elon Musk, and are undermining free speech from within the platform. As behemoths like Twitter, Facebook and LinkedIn begin to crumble, many are now terrified for the collapse of social media.

Some are left to farm up the ashes, hoovering hip rats into mastadon servers where compartments of human beings are made to live like animals. Slavery of the people, by the people.

what’s up with jokes? you say something funny and now i do what? go ha ha ha hee hee? the fuck are we doin here

— user MrSerious11211

But many, who staked their livelihoods on a longshot that did not make it, are asking: What is the true cost?incel politics

Will the great reset leave a me-shaped hole in my hateful little soul?

Not to worry. As Away Messages fade, there is a light in the dark mists of freedom.

Mark Zuckerberg plans to blackmail the United States into voting for him.
Everyone is watching.

Run away from that anxiety-inducing darkness, and fall into the tender, loving arms of Lebal Drocer, Inc.

Run quietly by billionaires whose names you would not recognize, this nameless entity is a glowing social media platform where you are permitted to float, as formlessly as you like, through a cloud of words, images, and associations, making your mark on the world. At Lebal Drocer, everyone is watching. We love you so much.

Away Messages, by Lebal Drocer Chat is more than a mastodon instance, where you go in and see what the people have been doing in there: jerking off in some dark dank instance.

Your number one source for all things fulfilling and true.

We would never pull you into that darkness where the ugly is lurking. It’s no place for you.

You’re special. Sign up for a friend group today.

Also, Lebal Drocer, Inc. will never look at your nudes out of sight, like they do at masturdon.

We’re doing it right out in the open. Where Everyone is watching.

Hate News Society Technology

Elon Musk buys Twitter

If you thought Twitter was a shithole before, now Elon Musk owns it.

San Francisco—In the immediate hours following the purchase, Musk fired top executives and pledged a goal of defeating spambots, which occasionally offer drugs to users discussing LSD, amphetamines, or ketamine.

Pursuant to the original agreement, Musk was legally forced to go through with the purchase after trying to back out of the deal.

Elon Musk tweets "the bird is freed." These replies float to the top.
Elon Musk tweets “the bird is freed.” These replies float to the top.

He has since invited Kanye West back to the platform, where Musk knows he will continue ruining his life as a form of entertainment.

Political Twitter is undulating in orgasmic ecstasy as the platform succumbs to the power of capital itself. The nerdiest, dirtiest, flirtiest, spaceship wreckinest, never-uses-a-condom, species-propagatenest, lib-triggering, regulation-hatin, rootin tootin Apartheid Clyde to ever smoke a joint with Joe Rogan, just exchanged 44 billion of his worthless American dollars for powercoin, a doge alternative, fired everybody, and now he, alone, controls Twitter. He was already their hero. Now, Musk is something more to them.

Sad, pathetic freaks are the charged particles in the air that gets breathed in, and huffed out of the machines of absurd, catastrophic tyranny. They’re blowing in the wind, breathed out as Musk.

Folks from Shitpost Twitter responded to the news with pledges never to change. Others use the event as posting fodder. Many carry on as usual, because politics is not their identity, and they’re not about to start bringing everybody down with their fucking opinions.

But some users are the Twitter equivalent to naked mole rats, worming their way through dense timelines of funny tweets, non sequitur, and inside jokes infinitely folding into themselves. Being so deep in the shit, perhaps they are the most sensitive users of all, to these seismic changes.

What extrudes from the machine is worth examining.

The shitposting mole rat looks up from his scratchings for just long enough to acknowledge, in his own way, the global news event as it pertains to himself. Then, he returns, as unceremoniously, to his main work.

While “free speech” is spreading, hateful rhetoric is being emboldened, and “gas this shit” begins to take on new meanings.

Meanwhile, people from shitpost Twitter are routinely banned for typing playful threats, ‘kys’ and, @Lyft your head up high and blow your brains out.

While they might be allowed to stick around from here on out, and grow their numbers, so too does a looming darkness.

I know why the caged bird sings.