Health Science

Study: The Effectiveness of Bees on Personal Well Being

PRINCETON, N.J.—A recent study by the Princeton Institute of Science and Sociology (P.I.S.S.) has found that keeping a personal colony of bees can have tremendous effects on personal health.

“The bees have a tremendous effect on our bodies,” said Institute Director Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour. “It cannot be overstated how tremendous these effects are, especially in relation to personal health.” When asked to elaborate, Troubadour closed his eyes and pretended he couldn’t hear our questions.

“What? What? Speak up puny child,” said Troubadour, before reaching for a reporter’s car keys and attempting to drive off in our company Camry. The doctor was asked to leave, and come back when he feels better.

Luckily, the Internet Chronicle staff contains a vast collection of our nation’s brightest minds, and were able to dissect the report in his absence. The finalized report seems to be written in crayon on a loose collection of bar napkins. One such napkin held a crudely drawn picture of a bee, with his stinger out. Deep crimson stains of blood coat several pages, though it is not clear whether this is the blood of the scientists or test subjects. Frankly, it is not our job to question the source of the blood, for Chronicle editors operate with a deep understanding of the significance of bloodletting among employees, every now and then, two or three times a week.

The key thesis of the study claims that by keeping a personal collection of bees, and by keeping these bees in a glass tube, one can lower their stress levels and raise their expected life span. How it’s done is simple: the tube of bees is always kept on one’s person. Sometimes just holding the tube and experiencing the warm vibration from within is enough. But it is when conflict or disagreements arise that the true power of a bee tube is revealed: In a single therapeutic motion, a person – both a caregiver and patient becoming one in the same in that moment – might administer a tube-shattering blow to the recipient across the head or face, releasing the wrath of the bees upon patient no. 2.

The study goes on to state that during trials the bees were used to avoid DUI arrests, settle domestic disputes, and prevent physical harm to the user.

We spoke to Daniel, a 57-year-old practitioner of this method.

“The bees are fuckin’ great man, let me tell you,” said Daniel, who asked that his last name be withheld for legal reasons. “Some poor bastard wants me to move my car from the handicap space. I says to him, I says, ‘HOW DO YOU LIKE SOME BEES YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIT!’ And then I bash ‘em! Gets ‘em every time!”

No further statements were taken, as Daniel began threatening our reporter with his tube of bees, sharp with freshly broken glass, and some bees still inside.

Naturally, any time animals are involved in science there is bound to be backlash from animal rights activists.

Animal rights activist and NFL Hall of Fame quarterback Michael Vick insists the practice is safe for everyone involved, especially the bees, who so enjoy the practice of medical stinging.

“I see no way in which this would harm the bees” said Vick, an ASPCA advocate. “I have always done what is right for animals, and I can personally vouch for the safety of all bees involved in this experiment.”

We at the Internet Chronicle stand firmly with Mr. Vick and all he has done for the animal rights movement, but we felt that a second opinion was necessary to gain full confidence in the safety of the bees. Therefore, our journalists covered the most allergic newsroom intern in honey, and sent him out to the McDonald’s dumpster on Tremont Avenue, to get a word directly from the bees themselves.

The following had to be taken from an audio transcript as our cub reporter was stung several times and died on the scene.

Unnamed and uncredited Chronicle intern: Obviously this experiment was conducted without the consent of the bees involved. How do you perceive the treatment of your subjects?


Bee Queen, Hive 1,302,907: Buzz buzzz buzzzz buzz buzzzzz buzz, buzz buzzz buzz buzzbuzzbuzz buzz buzz.


Reporter: I see, and do you feel threatened?


Bee Queen: Buzzzz Buzzbuzz buzz buzzz buzz.


Reporter: I understand your concerns, although FUCK SHIT OH GOD IT STINGS PLEASE GOD KILL M-

Although the topic of trapping bees and weaponizing them is controversial in the bee community, our lawyers have confidently informed Chronicle editors that the opinions of insects have no legal bearing, and can safely “bee” ignored. 

Ask your doctor about this breakthrough medical advancement, and try it out for yourself, or simply reach out to [email protected] and we will mail you a loose box of assorted bees and wasps. No insurance necessary.

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In Loving Memory of intern no. 27 (unnamed and uncredited). Gone, But Not Forgotten.

Elaine Miller: lolcow turned trollcow, and Havana Syndrome survivor

London—420chan discord user Elaine Miller, or Trollcow – a lolcow sensation who spun her victimhood into a narrative of countertrolling – seems to have turned her life around, even if she still walks the same circles knee deep in the rotten troll-or-be-trolled quagmire where she resides.

Kiwifarms and its like-minded cyberstalker collectives are daunting arenas for the faint of heart. But that is not all Miller has overcome. For her, life in the crosshairs was both figurative, and literal.

Within the last few years Miller claims to have suffered – and recovered – from the devastating effects of Havana Syndrome, a psychological and physiological sickness whose effects were first experienced en masse by American embassy workers in Cuba.

Microwave and other directed energy weapon attacks can stop the heart, according to research by the Internet Chronicle Institute of International Espionage in Northern Virginia.

Who targeted her and why, as well as the aftermath, fallout, and lessons learned would have been up for discussion on the Sept. 2 episode of Hate Radio AM. Unfortunately, Trollcow went dark and was nowhere to be found at the time of airing.

With Miller effectively silenced, the program would have to continue without her invaluable input and experiences as a targeted individual surviving, and recovering from, the mysterious Havana Syndrome.


Elaine Miller has been found.

She was sleeping. Upon waking she floated effortlessly into Studio Hate on a pillow of howling rage. In her in-depth exclusive, Trollcow recounts life with Havana Syndrome, Josh Moon of Kiwifarms, the tragic and mysterious death of Martin Skinner, and the strange, still-unexplained medical devices the two were made to wear.

Health Sports

Silence your opponent with a life-stopping kick to the heart


An Historically Accurate Picture of Life on the American Frontier

The year is 1850. The nation is young, as Lady Liberty battles the Indian menace, and Americans tame the land.

The Internet Chronicle is awake to the struggle, therefore this history is not written by the so-called victors.

While defending from foreign invaders, Comanche leader Shot Hutcheson and his team of savages had been tracking a ragtag group of explorers, led by snake oil salesman Angstrom H. Troubadour, Sr.

Do not let his job title fool you. Selling snake oil was – at that time – an honorable, and lucrative profession.

“We were mastering a form of tantric masturbation that is so good, the body would never need or want to jerk off again,” Troubadour said. “That’s just how good it was.”

The legend goes that Hutcheson wanted that formula not only for himself, but for his nation, too. The white man’s swagger, he noted, was undeniable.

“I thought to myself, let’s see if they still have that swagger without their horses,” Hutcheson said, “in the desert heat, with no food to eat, no water to drink. With nothing else but their precious, essential oils.”

Unfortunately, Troubadour and his team of honkies would lose their horses early on, after Comanche scouts crept into their encampments, cut the reigns, and scared the beasts of burden away with war-like yipping and howling, as well as by firing the rifles they’d wrenched away from the dead hands of European frontiersman. Many killed themselves with those very guns, because they knew that to die by their own hands was better than being captured alive by Comanche scouts.

Hutcheson and his unit tracked the marooned team of imperialist merchants, mercenaries and explorers from the hills.

“We followed them for nearly 200 miles until the first of the frontiersmen collapsed in the desert. Soon, more followed,” Hutcheson said. “We had them fucked up good.”

For several more weeks that remained true, until the night of the final attack.

Beauregarde Troubadour Senior, ancient war technique: “Silence your opponent with a life-stopping kick to the heart!”

Dr. Beauregard “Angstrom” H. Troubadour, Esq. first became enamored with the idea of stopping the heart by kicking someone in the chest, after learning the location of the human heart in Apothecary School. “That’s where it is?” he asked. “I bet one swift kick in the spurs would take care of that.”

Troubadour narrowly escaped defeat as he began to administer controlled, medical kicks to the heart.

“I was battling my Indian opponents when I realized I could jeopardize their savage enterprise to paralyze and end my life if only I localized one life-stopping kick to the heart,” Troubadour said. “I just started kicking.”

“I just started kicking.” During a single incident Troubadour kicked more than 75 people to death. Engraving by the late Louise Troubadour.

Over the ensuing battle, while sick and dehydrated, overheating, and failing from exhaustion, historians estimate that Troubadour kicked to death more than 75 enemy combatants.

Many, found with sternums caved in, appeared to have died from a single blow to the heart.

Military historians have brought word of the technique to the attention of high-ranking generals in the American armed forces.

General Gh. Kennedy of the US Army said modern strategy is built on the wars of the past.

“Science is bullshit hocus pocus anyway, so we’re looking to history to inform and enhance the global atrocities we want to commit today,” he said. “A single kick to the heart, huh? Just think of what those fucked up, kicking dogs from Boston Dynamics could do with that data. We in the Army–and I know folks in the State Department–are enthusiastic about this new mode of killing.”

Detractors have expressed concerns that women and minorities have fallen pray to the Troubadour lineage, arguing that the family should not be lionized. One academic said Troubadour, Sr. should have been hanged for his role in multiple American genocides.

Crane Course, 59, is Professor Emeritus of Women’s Studies at Lebal Drocer University. He gives lectures that place him squarely at the focus of the material, making everything about himself, and his office hours extend well into the night. Course says the manner in which Troubadour, Sr. treated the Native population was “barbaric beyond words,” and he added that they also did not treat their women very well.

“I would have been much nicer to everyone,” Course said. “Especially the women. I am often reminded of the John Lennon quote. What women are, to the world. Me? I do not see women like that. I would have been good to them.”

Course said his appearance in this story, much like his overall existence, feels a little pinned on at the end, but he said he is grateful for the work, and loves any exposure.

“Women need to understand I’m more than a tail,” he said. “I’m the whole donkey.”

Editor’s Note: Dr. Troubadour does not accept HMO, medicare, medicaid or Humana insurance. He is a cruel, calculating businessman who only cares about YOUR health.

“I disavow everything my great grandfather did.”

— Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour