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Dr. Troubadour quietly graduates from clown college, entertains terminally ill patients

dr troubadour
Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour

CUTHBERT, Georgia—Perhaps best known for his Internet Chronicle expertise, and his prolific work as a family doctor, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour has been a household name since 1999. But what many Americans might not know, is that Dr. Troubadour was recently made to attend community service by the courts, and has since graduated magna cum laude from the most prestigious clown college in the country, the Lebal Drocer School of Performing Arts in Los Angeles, California.

Dr. Troubadour, in search of neither fame nor fortune, but a secret third thing, never made a fuss over the important work he does entertaining at the children’s hospital, where kids are sick, braindead, or even dying.

“Stimky the clown” brings funny books & literature for the kids.

The Internet Chronicle caught up to Troubadour, ahead of the scheduled time he said he would be exiting the hospital in full clown costume and makeup. This, according to a glossy pamphlet that comes with the press kit: a box that when you open it a flower springs to life, grows to maturity, and dies in front of you, before squirting out a mysterious fluid onto your clothes. Ever the prankster, Dr. Troubadour’s work gained him notoriety and recognition from around the world, such as the time he pranked the American people with TerrorMax, which Det. Mike Lambert with the Miami-Dade Sheriff’s Department says he substituted for over-the-counter Aspirin.

“He wasn’t even supposed to be involved in the manufacture process,” Lambert said. “Somebody let him into that Bayer chemical plant.”

Now, Troubadour is taking that silly spirit and bringing it to the children, who are laying there just a dyin in a hospital bed.

On Saturday, June 8, children were watching Columbo, with the sound off, in their beds when Troubadour exploded into the room. Hidden camera footage reveals the tender moment when Troubadour addresses the room for the first time, capturing their attention.

“Just got word from Nurse Bitchery says you little motherfuckers are all dying faster than the rest of us,” Troubadour said. “Well I got news for Nurse Bitch-Hole. SHE the one gonna have to live with all this death!”

The children erupted with laughter, cheering and applause. Dr. Troubadour was here. Right now. But they weren’t allowed to address him as such, for today, this was Stimky the Clown.

Stimky continued:

“Yeah I saw the look in her eyes, it’s taking its toll,” Stimky said, nodding enthusiastically as he scanned the room for smiles with wide open eyes. “It’s affecting her!”

Eight kids threw up their hands in jubilation. Stimky’s eyes rolled back in his head, as he wallowed openly in shared joy. However, he quickly regained his composure and began his opening remark.

“Now I know what you kids are thinking. Stimky. Your life is hell. How do you find it within yourself to be so god damn funny? Tell me how do you carry on, day in, and day out, with this Patch Adams horseshit? Tell me how. Okay. You want to know how I do it?” Dr. Troubadour said, in Stimky’s thick Brooklyn accent.

The children percolated with muted laughter, anticipating the punchline.

“Every morning, I look at my probation officer’s picture, and spit in his motherfucking face.”

The small audience of kids gasped and drew back. Troubadour recognized it was high time he started winning back this crowd.

“Maybe you kids don’t know what a probation officer is,” Stimky said. “Looking at some of you right now, I wish I was you.”

Stimky put on a clown nose and did his best silly walk, high stepping like Monty Python — a reference that missed the dying children by 50 years — as he demonstrated how he would go about kicking a corrections officer in the face, using a phrase he came up with on the spot in clown college:

“gak! gak! gak!”

With each cry, Troubadour did a sidekick, in perfect form.



Dr. Troubadour is being held without bond at the Cuthbert City Jail. —Internet Chronicle


It was at this point a nurse was called in and asked to stop the performance, ending Troubadour’s set with two hours left on the bill. He was escorted from the premise by the upstanding lawmen of Cuthbert Police Department, who were waiting outside for a signal.

“I didn’t want to see what was about to come out of that goofy medical bag,” Ranowski said. “He just had this look about him. You know? Like you could tell something wasn’t quite right.”

Dr. Angstrom Troubadour is being held without bond at Cuthbert City Jail. As such, Google Reviews for the facility have been removed in accordance with the Elite Privacy Cloud that follows wherever the doctor operates.

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Health News

Confiscated Human Report confirms vulnerabilities to illness, disease


Confiscated news item from the human front:

More and more people are grabbing doorknobs and touching their eyes, mouths, and noses, leading to deadly infection. “Spinal Meningitis” is not just a cool Ween song, it’s also a cool and dangerous disease, and new cases are on the rise, says Dr. Angstrom Troubadour, Fellow at the Infectious Diseases Institute in Lebal Drocer Falls, Minnesota.

Troubadour says spinal meningitis is not that serious, and that there are painful and expensive treatments for it, should such a need arise.

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Real Doctor :)

“Hi, I’m Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour. So you fucked around and got your spinal fluid infected?”

Not to worry. Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals offers a series of low-cost, high-pain injections, and high-cost, painful injections. A solution for every patient/customer!

Buy my stuff, and learn what sick really means.
       —Dr. T

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Health Science

Study: The Effectiveness of Bees on Personal Well Being

PRINCETON, N.J.—A recent study by the Princeton Institute of Science and Sociology (P.I.S.S.) has found that keeping a personal colony of bees can have tremendous effects on personal health.

“The bees have a tremendous effect on our bodies,” said Institute Director Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour. “It cannot be overstated how tremendous these effects are, especially in relation to personal health.” When asked to elaborate, Troubadour closed his eyes and pretended he couldn’t hear our questions.

“What? What? Speak up puny child,” said Troubadour, before reaching for a reporter’s car keys and attempting to drive off in our company Camry. The doctor was asked to leave, and come back when he feels better.

Luckily, the Internet Chronicle staff contains a vast collection of our nation’s brightest minds, and were able to dissect the report in his absence. The finalized report seems to be written in crayon on a loose collection of bar napkins. One such napkin held a crudely drawn picture of a bee, with his stinger out. Deep crimson stains of blood coat several pages, though it is not clear whether this is the blood of the scientists or test subjects. Frankly, it is not our job to question the source of the blood, for Chronicle editors operate with a deep understanding of the significance of bloodletting among employees, every now and then, two or three times a week.

The key thesis of the study claims that by keeping a personal collection of bees, and by keeping these bees in a glass tube, one can lower their stress levels and raise their expected life span. How it’s done is simple: the tube of bees is always kept on one’s person. Sometimes just holding the tube and experiencing the warm vibration from within is enough. But it is when conflict or disagreements arise that the true power of a bee tube is revealed: In a single therapeutic motion, a person – both a caregiver and patient becoming one in the same in that moment – might administer a tube-shattering blow to the recipient across the head or face, releasing the wrath of the bees upon patient no. 2.

The study goes on to state that during trials the bees were used to avoid DUI arrests, settle domestic disputes, and prevent physical harm to the user.

We spoke to Daniel, a 57-year-old practitioner of this method.

“The bees are fuckin’ great man, let me tell you,” said Daniel, who asked that his last name be withheld for legal reasons. “Some poor bastard wants me to move my car from the handicap space. I says to him, I says, ‘HOW DO YOU LIKE SOME BEES YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIT!’ And then I bash ‘em! Gets ‘em every time!”

No further statements were taken, as Daniel began threatening our reporter with his tube of bees, sharp with freshly broken glass, and some bees still inside.

Naturally, any time animals are involved in science there is bound to be backlash from animal rights activists.

Animal rights activist and NFL Hall of Fame quarterback Michael Vick insists the practice is safe for everyone involved, especially the bees, who so enjoy the practice of medical stinging.

“I see no way in which this would harm the bees” said Vick, an ASPCA advocate. “I have always done what is right for animals, and I can personally vouch for the safety of all bees involved in this experiment.”

We at the Internet Chronicle stand firmly with Mr. Vick and all he has done for the animal rights movement, but we felt that a second opinion was necessary to gain full confidence in the safety of the bees. Therefore, our journalists covered the most allergic newsroom intern in honey, and sent him out to the McDonald’s dumpster on Tremont Avenue, to get a word directly from the bees themselves.

The following had to be taken from an audio transcript as our cub reporter was stung several times and died on the scene.

Unnamed and uncredited Chronicle intern: Obviously this experiment was conducted without the consent of the bees involved. How do you perceive the treatment of your subjects?


Bee Queen, Hive 1,302,907: Buzz buzzz buzzzz buzz buzzzzz buzz, buzz buzzz buzz buzzbuzzbuzz buzz buzz.


Reporter: I see, and do you feel threatened?


Bee Queen: Buzzzz Buzzbuzz buzz buzzz buzz.


Reporter: I understand your concerns, although FUCK SHIT OH GOD IT STINGS PLEASE GOD KILL M-

Although the topic of trapping bees and weaponizing them is controversial in the bee community, our lawyers have confidently informed Chronicle editors that the opinions of insects have no legal bearing, and can safely “bee” ignored. 

Ask your doctor about this breakthrough medical advancement, and try it out for yourself, or simply reach out to [email protected] and we will mail you a loose box of assorted bees and wasps. No insurance necessary.

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In Loving Memory of intern no. 27 (unnamed and uncredited). Gone, But Not Forgotten.