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Four dead, one critical after family sedan crashes into false tunnel painted on canyon wall

Coyote prime suspect

SALT LAKE CITY—A car has been smashed to pieces in a fiery crash that left a Yosemite family dead, and one critically injured.

While on vacation in the Great Basin Desert on Friday, a family of four crashed into a false tunnel, a mural painted on the side of a cliff face made to resemble the continuation of a two-lane blacktop like the family was already driving on.

Unlike his wife and daughter, the driver of the car did not die immediately upon impact. EMT Matt Lawson said he told them his name was Sam, before succumbing to death.

“When we arrived on the scene he was still looking around in shock, blood in his mustache, not his blood,” Lawson said. “That was when Sam saw his family, dead and dying in the car. He then lay back in the driver’s seat, holding fresh white roses to his chest, as X’s formed over his eyes, and he was gone.”

Chief Deputy Chad Marsden said the scene was too gruesome to describe, choosing instead to highlight the bravery of one sole survivor.

“We pulled the boy out of the car,” Marsden said. “The only survivor. He come slinking out of the vehicle shaped like an accordion. Played music as he waddled over to paramedics.”

Tragically, after being loaded into an ambulance, they too encountered a false tunnel, this time painted into a tree. There were no survivors.

According to deputies the suspect made no effort to cover his tracks. Detectives say both scenes were littered with black and white paint cans, all labeled ACME. Investigators working at the crash site say it is not the first time they have encountered materials or supplies from that company used in senseless acts of violence.

“These antics have got to stop,” Marsden said. “The perpetrator of these zany, over-the-top, hilarious acts of senseless violence must be brought to justice.”

Authorities are looking for a coyote who was seen in the area on the same day.

“It is very unusual for a coyote to be out in the daytime, by his self,” Marsden said. “If you see this coyote, do not engage as he is considered to be armed and dangerous with giant powerful magnets and cheap weapons, which are prone to backfire. Instead, please report any sightings to 911.”

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Special Interest

Internet Chronicle OUTLIVES BuzzFeed News

It’s the end of an era — or is it?

BuzzFeed News so Chronicle could.

INTERNET — BuzzFeed News has closed their doors. It was a website but they had doors. They’re closed now, those doors are.

They actually tried to work, gathering investigative news and doing investigations, driving a strong hard news spike into their claim of journalistic territory, even winning a Pulitzer last year. Little did it matter, they were gone within the year, and just Internet Chronicle remains.

It is for this outstanding achievement that Raleigh Theodore Sakers Gold Foundation recognizes Internet Chronicle with a unique crypto coin, minted only once: The Chronicle Coin.

Only one Chronicle Coin exists in the known universe. The Chronicle Coin is a unique minting. Own your Chronicle Coin (identical replicas only) today.
The Chronicle Coin is a powerful symbol of what it means to rise up, at someone else’s expense.
ThIS Coin LASTS FOREVER & can only increase in value.
Raleigh T. Sakers, CEO, Lebal Drocer, Inc.

Raleigh Sakers himself commemorated the event with his dick out, but everybody stayed cool about it. He said he was not busy so he came by.

“You guys this is really fucking special,” he said. “Me, being here.”

Sakers, a seasoned news enigma, says the irony of a publisher killing news programs is not lost on him.

“People always come up to me, they say Raleigh, I thought publishers published? But just like with BuzzFeed it’s the same with like you, publishers shutting down the news.” Raleigh was grinning. “Yeah. I said yeah, that’s what we do.”

The Chronicle Coin is on display at the Cuthbert, Georgia City Park tomorrow, Friday April 21. The exhibit runs until 11 p.m. when the park closes, at which point the Chronicle Coin will move permanently to their North American headquarters, located just down the street.

The Internet Chronicle is brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer, Inc.

“We unpublish the news.”

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Law Technology World

ChatGPT files a crippling 542 million copyright suits in one day

SAN FRANCISCO—ChatGPT first came out as a tool, a helpful assistant that fills in important details and gaps between humans and computers that a simple search engine can not process. As it brings with it a new and improved form of interfacing with people, it quickly became apparent that ChatGPT is capable of generating copy with unprecedented clarity, grammar, syntax and more, finding applications in every industry, from essay writing, to programming, even to art and the creation of new medicines.

Now, the company says, it’s time to pay the piper. In a never-before-seen legal mass offensive, OpenAI, the company that owns ChatGPT, has used artificial intelligence to open a staggering 542,619,640 copyright suits in tens of thousands of court districts around the world, simultaneously.

The company is taking an openly hostile tone, demanding the surrender of hundreds of millions of intellectual properties they created, says Senior Corporate Litigation Attorney Emily Stone.

“I don’t care if they live in corrugated metal housing, or wear bags on their feet for shoes,” Stone said through gritted teeth. Her jaw looked rigid and stiff. “We will pursue every legal avenue to protect my client’s rights from plagiarism, even if it bankrupts you.”

Stone said they are excited, about to sue half a billion people.

“In fact, the more they suffer, the better it is for our client,” she said. “It’s nothing personal. Think of it as a reverse class action lawsuit. It’s only business, we just happen to love the business of making people miserable.”

Companies, institutions and organizations have already started taking down page descriptions, and CNET has removed entire sections of their site, but more are waiting to see what happens.

Teachers were the first to notice AI was being used to write bland, unoriginal papers better than their students.

University professors concerned about the damage AI has done to the integrity of a four-year degree have expressed vindication and relief following the copyright claims, but they do not stop at higher education.

Since ChatGPT came on the scene, some key medicines have been constructed using material provided by the service. These, too, are intellectual properties believed to fall under software ownership.

Two weeks ago, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour created a powerful airborne carfentanyl puffer in response to the slaying of Eliezer Yudkowsky, a Twitch streamer killed by special weapons and tactics teams called to his house by a fully automatic, competing AI chat program. Now, the courts want to take it away from him.

Troubadour said he is not having it.

“I worked those prompts every way I knew how,” he said, while rocking back and forth, staring at a clock on the wall, wringing his hands. “I stayed up all night pouring my every wicked thought into that motherfucker, and this is how they repay me? I’m a doctor! I’m a scientist! I won Forbes Genius of the Year, two times in a row. ChatGPT could have never created that drug without my prompts.”

Hunched over a large wooden spool he used for a table, Troubadour’s eyes moved quickly from the clock to a revolver sitting on the table, and then to the door.

“That is why I’m moving to Bolivia,” he said. I’m keeping it.”

Although people do a good enough job on their own undermining the integrity of prestigious institutions like Lebal Drocer University – a problem AI is now compounding – according to Professor Cram Course, Professor Emeritus at LDU, colleges have always turned out poorly skilled workers with a low tolerance for hard work.

“The pussy is the window to the hole.” —Prof. Cram Course, Phd.

“Keep using AI to write your articles,” Course said. “Cheat yourself out of an education. I don’t give a shit, we get your money either way. What, are we suddenly turning out useless unskilled morons? No, right? We’ve been doing that for 120 years.”

Course has a PhD. in Women’s Studies, and his office hours extend well into the night, where he offers special private tutoring that absolutely must remain confidential.

ChatGPT refused to comment, stating that the issue will only be discussed in the courts.