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Health Society

After running over five people and killing one, Dr. Troubadour walks away as if nothing happened

dr troubadour
Troubadour was cleared of any wrong-doing.

MIAMI, Fla.–Dr. Troubadour was cleared of charges Monday, immediately following a distressing incident in which he inexplicably drove onto a bike path, striking five pedestrians and killing one, as another suffers life-threatening injuries.

According to eyewitness reports, the doctor and former professor emeritus at M.I.T., Angstrom H. Troubadour, intentionally swerved into a bike lane following a confrontation with cyclists.

The remaining four victims lying in the path were handcuffed and are being detained by the Miami Police Department on charges of obstructing a bike lane.

Sgt. Bailey Bondsman said the victims are being brought in for questioning.

Still from cellphone video shows path of destruction where Troubadour drove onto a bike lane, striking at least five cyclists.
Still from cellphone video shows path of destruction where Troubadour drove onto a bike lane, striking at least five cyclists.

“We’re going to find out what they done to upset Dr. Troubadour, compelling him to drive into the bike lane,” he said. “Were they good people? I don’t know. You tell me. Some of them were not even wearing helmets.”

The renegade doctor spoke to reporters via Twitter Spaces from his Mar-a-Lago suite on Monday. Dr. Troubadour, belonging to a protected class of society, said he walked away unharmed by the cruelty of legal process.

“I stepped out of the car,” Dr. Troubadour said, “and this woman looked about ready to project her entire lifetime of bad choices onto me. She said, ‘Aren’t you sorry?’ Well, I escalated it, and I got in her face and I said, ‘What the fuck did you just say to me?'”

Dr. Troubadour, author of the best-selling 15 Emotions You Can Live Without, puffed out his fat hairy barrel chest and put both arms out in a shrugging motion – with raised shoulders and palms facing the sky – as his eyes burned with fresh anger.

“I said, ‘Yeah I’m sorry, alright. I’m sorry I didn’t hit you, too,’ and I told my girls to get their things, and I said, ‘Don’t let her negativity ruin our fun day.'”

A spokesman for Miami PD called Dr. Troubadour a 'model citizen,' adding that bikers should be more aware of his presence around the community.
A spokesman for Miami PD called Dr. Troubadour a ‘model citizen,’ asking that bikers be more aware of his presence around the community.

Witnesses who waited at the scene said Troubadour pulled over and parked next to the bike path. He was overheard through the driver’s side window saying he was on his way from one pain clinic to another– the RDJ Pain Management Center, near the beach.

Sources saw Troubadour grab his things before stepping out of the driver’s seat. He walked away from the scene with three women, one appearing to have pissed herself during the event. The women proceeded to get their purses, beach towels and drug paraphernalia from the Tesla, and also did not appear to look at the scene.

“He showed no emotion,” one bystander said, who asked not to be named. “I wouldn’t either. Don’t traumatize me talking bout ‘what I did to you.’ Walk on, Doctor, walk on.”

Another witness said Troubadour owned the situation by refusing to acknowledge the people sprawled out among bicycle parts, fresh dirt, and wet grass tracked onto the path. Jeremy Raison, 42, called it a ‘textbook play’ straight out of The Alphabet of Manliness, a book published by Maddox, and still remembered by some.

“He got out, didn’t look at nobody, refused eye contact, answered no questions, and left calmly,” Raison said. “There wasn’t no laying around in the grass, bellyaching, ‘Boo hoo, I got run over by a world-famous prestigious physician.’ He just went on. They don’t make them like that no more. You’ve got to be next-level fucked up to hit all those people, and just walk away.”

Attorneys for Troubadour are seeking damages for the incident, citing tremendous medical bills received from his home office, where he is treating himself for CPTSD as a result of trauma.

The four suspects slammed into by a car owned by Troubadour are being held at the Miami-Dade County Subterranean Dungeon Filled With Piss and Bile and High Level Monsters, where they will wait indefinitely, pending further charges.

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Special Interest

Caveman News

This is Caveman News.

News by cavemen, for the everyday caveman.

What’s up, fellow cavemen? For how many thousands of years are we going to keep calling ourselves that? I think since we’re all cavemen here, we can drop the prefix and just say, hello men. No. Somehow that is worse. What’s up, doc?

That was a good intro.

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubedaur
Don’t listen to what I say. Only how I say it. That’s called credibility.

I’m Ugg Troubadour, a fresh-faced doctor for the modern caveman. Don’t believe me? OK, hotshot, you tell me: If I am not a doctor, then why am I wearing this white labcoat, safety goggles and a sick-ass watch, while you’re still traipsing around in a leopard’s skin?

Today I am presenting you with a few tips and pointers we picked up on our recent med school trip to the bush, in an effort to make your sad, pathetic caveman lives just a little more tolerable.

You’ll still be miserable, but I have to fill a page, so read on.


  • When tearing apart trees to make your club, aim for something in the shape of a giant turkey leg.
  • When crossing a river or stream, remember to watch out for other cavemen. In a moment of weakness, they’ll catch you slipping, and you’re done. There’s no such thing as Caveman Law, and it is only a matter of time before you trip up, and become something less than a man. Stay alert.
  • A lion was seen on the savannas. Watch out.

Health and Society

Terror flax
  • Be on the lookout for terror flax, containing a chewable seed. This flowering plant heightens the senses, opens the pores, and unlocks the inner power of bloodlust.
  • Go to bed early tonight, because a volcanic eruption will soon plunge the entire world into more than 30 years of winter. That is two lifetimes without sun.
  • With life expectancy on the rise, groups want to push back retirement age to 14 years old.
  • If you see a spotted lanternfly, squash it immediately. They are invasive, and feel good to squash.

You’ve had regular food. Now try: Food for thought

  • The brutality of existence is baseline. Happiness or joy are temporary easements of suffering.
  • God hates us, as indicated by thunder and lightning. That is why you have lumps and boils all over your body. Do better.
  • Ask yourself this: You’ve already knocked her unconscious. Do you have to drag her into your cave by the hair?
Caveman News is brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer, Inc. Remain uncontacted.
Dr. Troubadour is recognized in all 50 states, many of which consider him a real doctor.

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Tinder background checks reveal Chad’s checkered past

Chad Worthington Hardcock, an 18-year-old senior from Hidden Valley High School in Roanoke, Va. was a star quarterback, Valedictorian, and voted by his high school yearbook Most Likely to Learn How to Read.

He once had dignity, poise, and commanded respect. Now, he refers to himself as Tinder’s whipping boy, a scapegoat, and the dating platform’s most misunderstood predator.

Pretty eloquent for a boy who doesn't know how to read, huh? | Chad Worthington Hardcock
Pretty eloquent for a boy who doesn’t know how to read, huh?

That’s just Chad.

Random, unfair background checks being deployed against your boy here are threatening his shit, and unless he changes phone numbers, his dating profile could soon bear the scarlet letter of something he definitely did not do, that you know about.

Following serious allegations, Chad took great efforts to clean up his act, take a shave, and keep appearances up.

For instance, Chad now feeds the homeless. He poisons one meal at random.

Now, Chad attends religious teachings from Mormon philosopher Christopher Nemelka, a quaint, abusive, but fair man with no fixed address, currently residing in Idaho.

“I told him I’m in a real vulnerable place right now, and how young I was,” Chad stated on Facebook. “Chris said I was awesome.”

He joined a social club.

“The Proudbois took me in a minute,” Chad said. “Them and Qanon are awesome.”

Chad’s doing awesome. Still, there have been bumps along the way.

Taking the lead from his new mentors, Chad took a stance on social media to show that he cares about what’s happening in the Middle East. However, in a damaging blow to his ego, he was frothing with white hot jealousy as he learned that while he was out nip-hunting all summer, Middle Eastern rednecks took it upon themselves to sack a capital city.

“That could have been us!” he tweeted. “Jan. 6 was a trial run. Proved there’s no risk.”

As investigators look deeper into fatherless Chad, the Internet Chronicle went and talked to the last of his thinning support network.

Chad’s varsity football coach said his star player’s troubled past ought to explain, if not forgive, his minor transgressions.

“He had some date-rapes under his belt,” Hughes said with a laugh. “He has a few DUIs, but overall, he’s not a bad kid. He is a Hardcock, though. His mom beats him.”

Chad’s mom Karen said she thinks the world of her himbo.

“He’s learned from his past and he’s ready to hide his mistakes,” she said. “He’s matured so much. He has his own attorney now.”

With allegations growing against him amid a widening investigation, Chad says he is ready to stand tall, stare down a judge, and take up space before a jury of his peers.

“I know I didn’t do nothing wrong,” Chad says. “That’s wassup.”

This story is brought to you proudly on strange tapes recorded by Raleigh Sakers.