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Twitter squashes profit bug that “protected users”

INTERNET — At long last, Twitter has removed a petulant privacy bug from the platform that prevented advertisers from gaining necessary access to sensitive details about the entire user base.

A valuable option in Twitter’s privacy settings called “Share your data with trusted affiliates” once enabled trust between consumers and good-natured cookie salesmen. Now, that special trust can never be disabled. It is being heralded as a day of light, disinfecting some of Twitter’s darkest corners.

The staggering effect of this devastating boon to customer relations will expand throughout the Internet, according to Dr. Anstrom H. Troubadour of the Internet Chronicle Institute of Advanced Intelligent Learning.

“We all aged a little faster, today,” Troubadour said.

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubedaur
I’m Dr. Troubadour, and I know shit. In case you don’t know I know shit by what I am saying, you can still tell by how I’m saying it.

Twitter users in the barbarian regions of the European Union, and United Kingdom, will have to opt in – like animals – to sharing their much needed private details with advertisers representing Kellogg’s, part of a complete breakfast, Google, whose slogan is “Don’t be evil,” and the beloved Disney who brought you such motherfuckers as Bambi, The Lion King, and Robin Hood.

Selling your data is the most important thing in this world to Twitter. Before providing anything to friends, family or loved ones, Troubadour advises readers to first share marketing data with trusted privacy-aware partners at Twitter.com, as tidings of good cheer for all they do for us.

Twitter has a long way to go before their work is finished restoring relations between advertisers, users, and their precious, life-sustaining data. Settings like “disable web tracking” still pose a threat to those relations. What are you afraid they’ll find?

Additionally, loopholes in the law continue to obstruct the free flow of such vital information as your name, email address, phone number, and username.

“Because the American legislation system is so MESSED UP,” Troubaour said, “Twitter profits didn’t grow fast enough last quarter. It seems, rather unfairly, that no amount of lobbying Congress can save us. Like the coronavirus, this threat to privacy is a global issue. It’s going to take more than a gift basket, or a handjob, to start explicitly selling usernames.”

With everyone stuck in their homes, now is the perfect chance for a pure measurement of our social value, so hop on Twitter, and show the advertisers who you really are!

This message is brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
We don’t give a fuck about your privacy. We only want your MONEY.

A MESSAGE FROM WALLY F WAINWRIGHT OF GREAT PLAINS, MONTANA

Corona doesn’t affect me, simp

You don’t understand true pestilence, true oppression. You are just following the herd, as always.

Sheeple

The government is pushing to take over the world and force you into oppression. Meanwhile, I am free to do whatever I wish, because I do not believe in Corona.

I am an atheist

Enjoy your toilet paper, while it lasts. Corona is just another religion created to control you with fear.

Social distancing? This is just to create population control. I won’t stand in line on your stupid boxes.

I stand outside the box

I am above the box. I don’t need to wash my hands. I don’t need to stay at home.

I DO AS I PLEASE

Wear your stupid masks, you idiots. Rub your hand with sanitizer until the skin peels away. I will still be standing when you are all culled. I can see through this matrix and this illusion.

I AM THE ONE

 

Mass Shooters “at a loss” as Social Distancing deprives them of targets

INTERNET — As Americans struggle to pay rent and utilities with employers shutting down all non-essential businesses, would-be mass shooters in America are also struggling — to find targets, as well as a new meaning for their life.

Bobby Newmark of Hartford, Connecticut told reporters, “I’m at a loss. My whole life was leading up to shooting my school, and now classes are cancelled for the rest of the year. What the hell am I supposed to do now? I’m starting to lose my urge to go on a rampage, and instead of meticulously planning it out, I’m just sitting around playing video games. I’m loving this new Animal Crossing.”

Newmark shrugged and looked out his window as if remembering the distant pain of bullying, “I never even got my hands on a gun, but maybe once this Corona stuff blows over I’ll get back to life and start scheming again.”

But school shooters aren’t the only folks having a hard time adjusting to life under Quarantine. Radicalized militiaman Gerald MacClunky of Alabama stood in his front yard, saluting his Gadsden flag, “I was going to go out like a blaze of glory and prove that all other so-called mass shootings were created by the fake news media. My real shooting would put those fakes in stark contrast, and people would finally wake up and see that they’re just trying to institute gun control. But now that the security state has created this fake Corona Crisis, I ain’t even got a target.”

MacClunky took a long drag from his cigar and smashed it into the dirt. “They finally got us though, before I could get off my attack. Probably better I didn’t waste my life anyway. It’s Checkmate Liberty, for now.”

Even religious hardliners are having a hard time adapting to social distancing. ISIS coordinator Abu Ibn Bin Ahmed told reporters, “All of our best plans to attack sporting events have been put on hold. Even the wildcat improvised vehicular attacks are just impossible now, with no gatherings of people to run over.”

Bin Ahmed relaxed his tense grip on his Kalashnikov style rifle and rested it on the wall of his cave, “Many of our most hardened warriors are skipping out on meetings with their cell out of fear of Coronavirus. This whole Corona thing has shut us down big time. We were going to form an alliance with Al-Qaeda, do a great attack for the history books, beyond even 9/11, make the infidels fear Allah! But now? There’s just no way.”

Alfred Poynter, a radicalized MGTOW (Men Going Their Own Way), is more positive than other radicalized killers, even seeing Coronavirus as the light at the end of the tunnel. “When Elliot Rodgers struck the first blow against the Chads and Stacys and sacrificed himself for our good, I knew that there was one day hope that beta males might have a fair shot at sex. I’m still positive we can achieve our mission, if we have to. But of all people, the disgusting sex thieves are most likely to congregate and spread virus.”

Poynter stared wistfully at his computer monitor, smiling as news of Corona scrolled across his screen. “Perhaps Corona will do our work for us, and I can just bide my time and wait for the Chads and Stacys to go extinct. Then, if I’m still not getting sex, I’ll go back to plotting. We’ll see how Corona shakes out, but I’m positive. I think I might finally get some sex once enough Chads die off.”