INTERNET — Just days after conservative talk radio host Rush Limbaugh announced his advanced lung cancer, fellow conservative pundit Sean Hannity announced he also has been suffering from a cancerous growth in his brain.
President Trump reportedly said, off-mic, “Sure, just line them all up, maybe have a parade. I got cancer medals for everyone now. Anyone else in here sick?”
Ann Coulter also jumped in with her own cancer announcement, telling listeners that she recently had surgery to remove a breast tumor. However, she has often disagreed with the president, slamming his plans for emergency funding of a border wall.
As usual, advisors tried to reign in Trump’s bizarre plans for a “cancer awards” parade. In one of the typical leaks to the press, an advisor said, “Not only is it a horrible break with tradition, but we believe it will make conservatives look sick and old.”
Trump has yet to back down from his cancer award parade idea, “Can we have tanks? I want tanks and missiles if you can get them.”
A new product by Lebal Drocer, Inc. threatens to tear the world asunder!
The all-new Diet for the Modern Man, updated for 2020 by Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour threatens to shred the fabric of society as fresh, handsome young men in their early 20s graduate from the Dr. Troubadour School of Nutrition and Sports Medicine.
A key element in their dietary plan is a spray-on TerrorMax from a bottle with few labels or indicators as to its makeup and origin. It simply reads: TerrorMax — Spray directly onto the activity centers of your body. Wait 30 minutes between applications.
The controversial product is shown to cause nerve damage and paranoid hallucinations of grandeur.
Side effects of the drug TerrorMax include madness, arousal, and an insatiable lust for liberty. These volatile properties, Troubadour and his students suspect, have yet to be fully harnessed.
Where his cunning, prescient students learned to substitute vital nutrients for Red Bull, TerrorMax, and Benadryl allergy medicine, they studied under the young legend Dr. Angstrom Troubadour himself, of the Lebal Drocer Institute of Medicine and Dean of the Troubadour School of Nutrition and Sports Medicine.
“When you take a shit, all the constituents for human feces are there,” Troubadour said. “However, on my ‘experiemental’ spray-on TerrorMist, your movements remain regular, but your shit now contains caustic compounds, vital to the destruction of threats in the body. My special acids will break down pipes in the home, and even diminish the collective function of all city sewer systems, not yet equipped for this revolutionary new diet for the modern man. This diet is so advanced, it is already pushing the limits of the infrastructure itself. Y’all motherfuckers be getting RIPPED, and I know it.”
Troubadour and his team of professional researchers at Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals produced a white paper outlining a diet of energy drinks, experimental drugs freshly approved by the FDA, and LSD.
“I told my guys we’re not trying to win a Nobel. We’re just trying to get super healthy, have a good time, and do the things that men do,” Troubadour said. “We just threw a little LSD in there. So what? I do wonder, though, if a person was trying to be healthy, then why are they reading the Internet Chronicle?”
“It’s not the kind of acid you throw in somebody’s face. This is going into your food,” Troubadour said. “If you’re going to throw acid in a woman’s face, you better have the right kind of acid!”
For some reason, the FDA approved it. They went over it, and found many problems with it. FDA people are a little more optimistic than they used to be, however, and so they passed the drug with flying colors!
“We looked at the shit. It looks pretty bad, if I’m being honest, but it’s not 1994. We are not going to sit here pretending like we give a shit, anymore. Yes, it had problems. Yes, we passed it. Yes, I used to be a consultant for Lebal Drocer, Pharmaceuticals. No, I will not perform oral on you. You want special treatment, bring a gift basket and I’ll meet you around back. I want a Camaro, rented for the night. I’ll return it by 7 a.m. That gets the FDA out of the way.”
–Mysterious diary leaflet LEAKED by a shifty-eyed FDA liaison
A 45-year-old man named Joe, who was at one time addicted to cheeseburgers, got on Dr. Troubadour’s diet plan. It changed his life for the better. He was eating cheeseburgers, he was all stopped up, and found himself in front of Dr. Troubadour’s intake office, in a strip mall outside Gary, Indiana.
“I jumped up in the air and clicked my heels together!” Joe said. “Every cheeseburger I ate resulted in me shitting an equivalent size turd. I once ate a fig newton and a balled up turd popped out. It resembled a lump of cookie dough.”
But Joe’s problem was not with his baby goat shit pellets. Those were cute, he said, and made his kids laugh. The real issue was with his completely wrecked home plumbing.
Because of the Troubadour diet, Joe’s toilet exits through a now useless, busted and corroded pipe hanging loose inside the wall, throwing acid-enhanced shit water into the insulation and floors, which is seeping through the wood, and destroying his concrete foundation.
Because Joe’s two children lived down at eye level with his toxic shit-water, they are being treated at Health Insurance Memorial Hospital for skin burns and inhalation.
Joe’s wife, who asked not to be named, has vacated the home with their children. She is now living it up with all the Brads and Chads she can handle, from the surf shops of Venice Beach, to the inlets and coves of beautiful Bombay. “They had veins bulging out of everywhere,” she texted Joe. “They took me to new heights of pleasure.”
As nights became weeks of repeated orgasmic ecstasy, Joe’s wife would never return to her foul, and ruined man, whose bowel movements still poison the air with the acrid stench of death.
However tragic that may be, what she still has not realized is that the chemicals in TerrorMax can “run hot” exiting the urethra. Doctor Angstrom T. advises that his patients use a “controlled stream” when relieving yourselves like the sick animals you are, or run the risk of fully blowing out your own piss-hole.
Troubadour says, “Don’t come crawling back to us when the end of your winky looks like Elmer Fudd’s exploding rifle. I tried to warn you!”
Sensing trouble, Dr. Troubadour then exited this story through an open window in the bathroom, and was never heard from again.
The same thing happening with Joe’s pipes in the wall is also happening to Joe’s intestines and bowels.
In fact, his pipes have become so gunky and weak that he had a lamb’s bladder installed in his body requiring daily surgery to replace a special, proprietary blend of Red Bull over TerrorMax, sold in convenient, non-biodegradable pods. It was a problem Joe could not ignore, but once he confronted it, Lebal Drocer was there with a litany of monkey’s paw miracle medicine.
“They use a lamb’s bladder because it’s compatible with your body,” Joe said. “It’s a daily procedure, and yes it does get costly, but in the long run you see that it’s worth it. I save so much in TerrorMax bypassing my digestive tract in this manner. Just as quick as they patch me back up, I spring up from the operatin’ table and I’m ready to go, go, go.”
Joe’s doing great. The diet for the modern man has revolutionized the way he and his remaining family experience the world. His cousins believe they can taste color via sound waves in the air, and have shown an intriguing capacity for detecting predators through walls from up to 90 meters away, keeping America safe from Iran.
Joe mails his wife alimony and child support for an undisclosed amount– something close to everything he’s got left.
And the kids? Thanks to TerrorMax in Flintstones chewable tablets, the children are flying around like bats, demonstrating perfect command over their bodies as they flutter about the earth in free form.
This message is brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer, Inc
INTERNET — Secretary of the Deep State Rudy Giuliani held a joint press conference with Iraqi President Barham Salih at the American Embassy in Iraq, Sunday morning, announcing that the Iraqi High Tribunal has opened an investigation into Joe Biden for corruption and filed formal charges.
Secretary Giuliani said, “We will make sure the Iraqi people are armed to the teeth, in fact you might say that a few clever arms deals were negotiated by President Trump himself.”
Fans of the president are split about the impending war with Iran, as Trump formerly campaigned as an isolationist.
Southern voter and arms manufacturer Gerald Whorly of Radford, Virginia said, “I know ‘thou shalt not kill,’ but look at the ‘conomy. I never claimed to be perfect. Neither did Trump.” Whorly and many other voters echoed the heretical prosperity gospel of Trump’s Spiritual Advisor, Paula White. The so-called prosperity gospel teaches that the ten commandments are secondary to financial gain — in Paula White’s own words, that “Jesus is from Satan.”
Militiaman Kirk Sammet of Deepsaw Montana opined, “Trump was great for a while but this is serious stuff. We’d be better off with Pence running the war, or really not having a war at all. Or if it is going to be a war, it needs to be a civil war, right here in America. That’d wake everyone up.” Sammet reclined, puffing his cigar.
Preacher Jordan Levitt of Raleigh, NC preached such a fiery Antichrist sermon that three elderly parishioners were hospitalized. “Paula White and other Satanists laid hands on Donald Trump in worship moments after he ignited his unholy final war, And they profanely used the word God in vain reference to our President. Oh, I believe Dear Leader is the chosen one all right, but he’s the other one, the Anti-Christ. In what Bible is Jesus a king of men? None! He is the king of kings! He’s out there right now, and I can feel it. He is coming to teach us something new, something beautiful, praise God. And Antichrist Trump would kill Jesus on fifth avenue and who would cry out in worship? Jesus lives! Jesus Lives! You’d better be ready. Jesus has risen again, Praise God!”