Categories
News

Hackers broadcast satanic YouTube cult leader on Las Vegas Dome

The streets echoed as King Cobra chewed and smacked his lips, disturbing women, children, and the elderly across the city
LAS VEGAS — Citizens were shocked and alarmed at the sight of YouTuber KingCobraJFS eating pizza-like food on the Las Vegas Dome, Sunday afternoon, in what many thought at first to be an ill-advised Little Caesar’s ad campaign.
Sphere Entertainment confirmed that the footage was unauthorized and an internal cybersecurity investigation is ongoing in cooperation with local and federal authorities.
Little Caesar’s issued an official statement to the press saying, “Little Caesar’s condemns the actions of any satanic hackers who may have breached the secure systems. Little Caesar’s pizza is not a sponsor or an affiliate of the KingCobraJFS YouTube channel and can be equally enjoyed by members of all faiths.”
Hacking Group SpitterSec took to twitter, claiming credit for the breach. “King Cobra for President,” the group tweeted, adding, “Long Live Ozzy, f-ck the trolls!
Video footage care of r/kingcobrajfs

Which one of you did this?
byu/kiltrout inkingcobrajfs

This claim was substantiated by cybersecurity expert Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, “Attribution is always a dicey business but I checked their pastebin and it looked pretty legit. Great ASCII art, too.”
Internet Chronicle reporters were unable to contact Joshua Fay Saunders, the mastermind behind the King Cobra character and leader of the Cobra Cult.
Las Vegas police chief Danny Larsen told reporters, “There is no indication at this time that Mr. Saunders had anything to do with the attack, and we are already aware of those involved due to similar previous pranks in several local casinos.”
King Cobra is the center of an extremist Satanic cult known as the Cobra Cult, an up-and-coming faith that preaches excessive drinking, smoking, and the occasional use of inhalants as part of a mystical journey towards “belief in oneself.” Members of the transphobic cult are taught, even from a young age, to create unholy “food hacks” and other cooking abominations.
Former Cobra Cult member Benny Johnson reached out to the Internet Chronicle, giving a dire warning that the cult is far more sinister than its fun-loving appearance on YouTube, “I was desperate for anything, anything at all to take away the pain of my involuntary celibacy. One day I was browsing YouTube and it was like Cobes was talking to me, personally, and he understood all the suffering I’d been through. I bought the pheromone soap and started dressing just like Cobra. And you know what? It worked perfectly. I was getting laid ten, sometimes twenty times a week. I realized his channel had turned me into a sicko, a sex junkie, and I got out. Some weren’t so lucky, and they’re in jail now, or they will be soon. To anyone who is still in the Cobra Cult or thinking about joining, I just want you to know, there are better ways. It’s never too late to leave. And if you do decide to stay, take it easy on the duster.”
Categories
Health News

Confiscated Human Report confirms vulnerabilities to illness, disease

GOBLIN NEWS

Confiscated news item from the human front:

More and more people are grabbing doorknobs and touching their eyes, mouths, and noses, leading to deadly infection. “Spinal Meningitis” is not just a cool Ween song, it’s also a cool and dangerous disease, and new cases are on the rise, says Dr. Angstrom Troubadour, Fellow at the Infectious Diseases Institute in Lebal Drocer Falls, Minnesota.

Troubadour says spinal meningitis is not that serious, and that there are painful and expensive treatments for it, should such a need arise.

dr troubadour
Real Doctor :)

“Hi, I’m Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour. So you fucked around and got your spinal fluid infected?”

Not to worry. Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals offers a series of low-cost, high-pain injections, and high-cost, painful injections. A solution for every patient/customer!

Buy my stuff, and learn what sick really means.
       —Dr. T
Categories
Society

My winky made a stinky

Dr. Angstrom Troubadour operates a Fake News Camp where children learn discipline, and respect. But he could not do nothing for my two boys.

I just had kids, they’re wonderful. I let the littlest one fight the bigger one as a form of entertainment. I don’t let them do that at home, it’s a special thing just for when we are at there memaw and peepee’s, as a treat. Do you understand? This encourages wild, rambunctious behavior.

My bad kid.

When my kid misbehaves, it’s not like he would have done that anyway or just to anybody. No, I’ve raised this one to come at you, personally, hitting and taunting you, because he knows you won’t hit him back.

He shows you his ass, and says, “This is my ass, come at me bitch.” My little one says that. “Come at me bitch.” Do you want to know just how big my old heart swoled up when he done that? When he said that to his bitch mimi? Do you want to know? Do you?

I let my kids run wild and I do not dare discipline them. Nope. What I do instead:

They hit the dogs, and I say NO, WE DO NOT HIT ANIMALS, THAT’S WHY YOU’RE NOT GETTING THE IPAD, CAUSE YOU AND YOUR BROTHER CAN’T BEHAVE, I scream. “I’m watching you.”

Sounds fucked up, right? Well, here’s my trick.

I let 45 seconds go by, and then I walk out to the truck, I get the ipad, slam the door hard so they hear me coming and I hand it to them and I say, “See what happens when you’re bein good?”

My kid is growing up to be a powerful, violent young boy.

What he can’t manipulate out of you with hatred, he’ll back up with cruelty.

Long and short of it is, oops — my winky made a stinky! and i went uh oh thinky? and now i kind of drinky, to pass the time away.

Shouldn’t have had kids, anyway enjoy this ecological disaster i just unleashed on yall ok goodnight love yuns