Categories
News

Daniel “Keemstar” Keem dead at 39

Keemstar was found dead after a tragic shooting in his apartment

INTERNET– Fans mourn the loss of Daniel Keem, better known as the YouTube sensation ‘Keemstar’, whose “Drama Alert” video series stirred up beef among the platform’s most famous creators.

Keem was found dead in his apartment from an apparent “execution-style” gunshot wound to the back of his head. Police are investigating this as a homicide and say the perpetrator is likely still on the loose.

Trey Wiggins, Chief of the Buffalo Police told reporters, “Well, this one is a real headscratcher. We’re narrowing down the suspects but Mr. Keem hasn’t made things easy for us. There are literally hundreds of thousands of suspects.”

Fans have posted their favorite memes of Keem in remembrance, the most popular showing the presenter’s face superimposed on a gnome in celebration of his miniature voice and lack of powerful video presence.

‘Hamandcheese’, a small-time partner of the Twitch corporation, told Internet Chronicle “You don’t want to get the attention of Keemstar. He’ll ruin your career before it even gets off the ground. It’s most likely this was a revenge-oriented killing related to one of his ongoing beefs. No one likes a shit-stirrer.”

Joe Rogan told listeners, “I’m sorry for Keem, and for his family. But the guy was like a cancer on the internet and I won’t miss him. He was an ugly bully who was obsessed with ugliness and stupidity. You reap what you sow, that’s what I always say. It’s not nice, but it’s the truth.”

Categories
News

Shrekt: Not half bad for a band doing metal Smash Mouth covers

The guy is short but wide, wiry long hair with goatee, half in a cheap Shrek suit and fiddling with his amp, sweating under the stage lights. A glorified Smash Mouth metal cover band but with stupid costumes, the height of originality. Better get out of here before they set up, or go to the back and binge on some Puzzle Fighter. But you lean in and get to the meat of the conversation, before it’s too late.

“She has the same obnoxious laugh as the stalker chick, the one who tried to fashjacket me. I can’t stand to watch her stream for more than a few minutes. It’s kid’s stuff. But I like her.”

There’s a squeal of feedback from Shrek’s half stack and curses from the drummer. Jimmy grimaces. “You’ve been talking about her all night.”

“Well, fine, I’m obsessed with her. Thinking about her takes me somewhere else. It’s like being in love, but only one way.”

“There’s no such thing. It has to be mutual. That’s just a crush.”

“No, I’ve had crushes. This is something different.”

“Right. You’re on a rebound. Still not over that Q chick.” Jimmy taps his fingers and looks at the ceiling.

“I was in voice with her the other day, the streamer chick and some neanderthal freaks spitting propaganda. They’re everywhere these days.”

“Don’t you know it.”

“QAnon took my baby away. Poor, poor pitiful me.”

“Amen.” Jimmy is nodding. “Amen.”

“Said she’d be on the podcast, talk to me about anything. Sounded like she was daydreaming out loud. ‘Anything…'”

“You’re fantasizing. Wishful thinking. She’s chasing after the next gig, a little publicity, typical streamer.”

“Maybe. She’s so… She seems so vulnerable. Always putting herself down. It’s unattractive. That’s what is so different, why it’s not a crush. So much about her is unattractive to me.”

“She’s gorgeous.” The drummer is adjusting his toms, testing some fills. Shrek is hunching over an array of pedals, letting loose static and the distant sound of angry AM talk radio. “I’ve seen her instagram. You’re just shallow, that’s all.”

“As far as looks go? I admit it. She’s perfect. Out of my league entirely. But so is every other streamer chick. And I’m not obsessed with any of them.”

“Well just pay the money already. Subscribe. She’ll send you the big titty goth girl photos you want and maybe even play some video games with you. Win-win.”

“No. I’m not a simp, not a fan. I told you I don’t even like her stream. Why would I subscribe? I wouldn’t. That’s parasocial.”

“What about her art? Her social media presence. Commission her to paint your portrait.”

“I thought of that. I could do that. No, I remember now. I can’t. To have someone paint my portrait? I’d hate that. I don’t even like having my photo taken. And anyway that’s no way to get to know somebody. Same with her idea about the podcast. I couldn’t interview her. I’d turn her down anyway because hell, I can’t bring someone on the show to flirt. It’s disrespectful to the whole process, to her.”

“You just need to get laid, man.”

“No. That was Petrarch. This is real… It’s 2021. The generation of swine. Shit-ass Gen Z, the end. The slick prosper and the true perish. We are seduced where we should be disgusted and disgusted where we should be seduced. It’s the condition of our time. Of our world.”

“Sure… Sure… I dig it.”

The grizzled, aging bassist hobbles onto stage and picks up his instrument. The mask is on Shrek and beyond the blastbeat and shrieking guitar a scream of agony can be heard: “Somebody once told me / the world is going to roll me.”

Categories
Editorial

Hatesec writes Immigration Policy

Here’s your chronicle.su story: Eat A Dick, by hatesec.

Nah I’m just kidding, I know you want a real editorial. Here is my immigration policy. Fuck you, how about that?

Eat my fucking dick, everyone. That’s your story. Run with it.

Kidding! (not really, I’m the edgelord of this world, evil possessor)

The media is afraid to call epic spa shooter man a white supremacist coomer.

incel politics
“Politics”

There’s your REAL immigration story. Come to America where everybody hates themselves and, by extension, you.

“I am white. That is not my fucking problem.”

That’s OK, Chad, I got you covered. We’ll say it here. He’s a rotten, racist sack of shit, and the country is full of him. Don’t let anymore shitbags like him immigrate here, that’s my policy. Don’t even let them come in through a pussy. Kill them at birth, how’s that grab you?

I am saying the young man in the news, with a neckbeard and shitty haircut, should have been ripped out of his crying mother’s arms, moments after he was born, and thrown down a hot chute that feeds straight into an incinerator. Not because of what he did, but just because, why not? Who cares. His mother is obviously a miserable cunt anyway, or she would not have raised a killer. He would already be getting handjobs from roundeyes. We can’t take anymore chances. From now on, my immigration policy states that all Atlanta babies go down the fire-chute.

Right now we can support Mexicans*, Canadians, Scandinavians, and why not: Spain. Yes they’re assholes, but they’re a special kind of asshole, and they sort of belong here – not because they helped us kill off the Indians, and they did, and that was very ugly – but because they’re white.

I’m kidding. We need Spanish population because they had Occupy Wall Street before we did, and we got some of their best protesters. They are not afraid to fight the power. They show up. They will help people stop from drowning in the Mediterranean Sea while keeping the border closed at home. That’s the kind of hypocrisy that belongs here. Like the Eve Online player base, the Spanish are equally complex people. They are chill people ruled by a hateful, corrupt government, just like everyone else.

No Brits, thank you. You have done enough harm. We are now saying “Cheers!” stateside.

That’s it. Everybody out.

*The border wall is a joke, but keeping kids in cages is inhumane as fuck. I have an idea: Why don’t they make the whole border wall out of those cages?