“YouTube Homesteader” Jesse Stafford Dead after Construction Accident

Jesse of Pure Living for Life died Friday in a tragic home building lifestyle decision gone wrong.

INTERNET — Jesse Stafford of Pure Living For Life passed following a tragic construction accident, Friday evening after trying to repair his new home’s leaking roof.

Pure Living For Life recently drew controversy from the YouTube Homesteader community after Jesse went “on-the-grid,” rigging a 300 amp line directly into his garage’s bedroom.

“The first snowfall ripped all the screws right out of our house,” Jesse uttered in this fateful last video, titled Is this THE END of JESSE on Pure Living for Life?!? The video, which includes graphic footage of Jesse’s death, has received over 10,000,000 views, earning his surviving partner, Alyssa, a Platinum YouTube button.

“Yeah, I’m not so sure about these products,” Jesse moaned, “We doublescrewed the whole house and they still didn’t hold. Everyone said they were good screws but I guess what does the internet know.”

The house’s famous Structural Insulation Panels, buckled and dangling into the badly cracked foundation, funneled a stream of water directly into the exposed 300 amp electrical box.

“Now I know a lot of YouTube safety people are going to say this isn’t safe, but I’m going to install a bigger ridgecap, which should finally be big enough, put the glue down first this time, and see if another 7 cans of foam will fill in the extra gap. THAT should solve our little ‘electrical’ problem.”

Climbing up a hand-made wooden ladder, Jesse howled into the wind as Alyssa tried to stabilize the drone. “Now this will get some clicks! Woooo!!!” Fans noticed this was the first time Jesse had ever worn a toolbelt, but instead of tools he had filled each pouch with cans of insulating foam and clipped even more cans to the back.

Fans noticed that the timber frame structure of the house, which was attached to the foundation only with a few toenail screws, is shown totally detached earlier in the video. Moments after removing the first piece of the leaking ridgecap, an immense creaking can be heard as several of the Shelter Institute’s joints give way and another corner of the timberframe slips off the foundation. As the Structural Insulation Panels are shorn across the splitting roof, a cloud of sytrofoam obscures the view of the cameras. Several minutes pass, and the drone footage shows a scene that only gradually becomes clear. Alyssa is standing in her garden next to a ball of foam that has engulfed Jesse. A hundred jars of Verde Salsa are embedded in the surface of the foam.

Jesse’s cause of death has not been determined, but Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador of the Bonner’s Ferry Hospital told reporters, “All seven of the cans of foam split open within a second, and because there were two different brands with just the right catalysts, the foam expanded almost explosively and set up before he even hit the ground. Whether he was squeezed to death, suffocated, cooked by the immense heat, or was somehow poisoned by the toxic gases remains to be seen. It was likely some combination of all of these, but it looks like the foam at least shielded him from the worst of the fall from the roof.”

Alyssa has retreated from the public eye for the moment and there is no word on the future of Pure Living for Life.

Chris Nemelka: Advancement Opportunities

Christopher Numb Milka’s new book is about advancement of person, place, and time.

It resembles his previous works in every way, except this one is called Advancement Opportunities and You: Christopher Nemelka’s guide to enlightenment through entheogens, having sex with Chris, and doing heroin, probably also with Chris.

He is married to the Oxford comma, even in titles. But what is Christopher NOT married to? A wife!

Now that’s advanced.

This has been a test. If you are reading this message, all systems are nominal.

A short radio test will follow.

Qanon Dead at Clinton Pizza Party #TheStormHasSettled

INTERNET — Hillary Clinton’s famous bodyguard and Q-Clearance Intelligence Agent “Q Anon”, known for leaking secret information, or “crumbs,” to an audience of millions of devotees, died Friday following a fatal priapism in Washington DC.

‘Q’, as his fans know him, suddenly lost consciousness when his penis ruptured from a prolonged erection while standing guard at one of Hillary’s famous “Pizza Parties” for Democrat elites.

Bill Clinton, who first found ‘Q’ passed out on the floor in a puddle of blood, said, “I saw him a layin’ there bleeding out of his crotch, so I ripped his pants off. It looked like Elmer Fudd’s Shotgun, after Bugs Bunny stuck his finger in it. His member banana peeled and the blood was just rolling out. That’s when I called the paramedics in.”

Hillary expressed her condolences, but registered shock upon learning one of her bodyguards was indeed the man behind the mysterious Q Anon phenomenon, telling reporters, “It’s kind of sad how Q never ate any pizza. All he did was hang around the edge of the party, messing around on his phone, sniffing the pizza crumbs.”

Bill told reporters about his attempts to resuscitate Q, “They said he might’ve split his cock on his own, ahead of time, as some kind of masochist type sex play, or possibly he was injecting silicone to keep it artificially erect. They did their best but it was just too swollen up. Burst open and mushed like an overripe tomato. Nothin’ they could do to seal it up.”

The bitter funk of QAnon’s failure to challenge mainstream media or affect positive change of any kind, before his death, is palpable.

Darcy Klebold escorts “fake news” reporters off of her prop’ty.

Fans, expected to mourn the loss of their prophet, were “not happy.”

Darcy Klebold of Indiana, 56, told reporters, “We were promised Mueller would lock Hillary up. We were told there would be releases, and leaks, and documents dropping like anvils. We were promised our own, pure pizza party, one that protects our children and isn’t smeared with their adrenichrone.”

Darcy barked angrily at reporters. “Fake News!” and produced a tissue to wipe her terrified child’s tearful eyes, while photographing him with her smartphone.

Like and subscribe for more information on how Qanon’s death erased happiness from my life.

–Darcy Klebold, single mom


“Do you see what you fake news bandits have done to me and my family?” Darcy asked. “No seriously. Have you seen it? My social media’s BIG. I’m gonna #MAGA even if Q’s another fake news trick. Now #WalkAway from my broken family! And check out my little angel on Pinterest.”

“Soros is killin everyone, one by one, and he’s undoing all of Q’s big plans. My little boy’s going to grow up to be a GOOD BOY. You’ll see. I’ve taught him how to SHOOT. He’s gonna get that George Soros one day, mark my words. And ain’t NO elites gonna eat his pineal gland out of his head at none of their Satanic Pizza Parties.”

Darcy, throwing her child to the floor, produced a double barrel shotgun and demanded Internet Chronicle reporters leave the premises of her home.

“Soros is killing everyone, and he won’t take my BABY!” Darcy fired two shots into her ceiling. Indiana Regional Medical Center reported young Jerry Klebold was treated for ruptured eardrums the following day.

Q’s death has sent ripples of hatred and fear through the shattered conspiracy community, Lionel Nation told his viewers, “Our cogitations and rogations are with the friends and forebears of QAnonymous. Today the storm has settled.”