axisflip

Scientists create MUTANT enzyme that recycles news headlines “in hours”

INTERNET — If it sounds too good to be true, that’s because it came from Lebal Drocer Laboratories.

A mutant amoebic enzyme that breaks down news content for recycling has been created by scientists working tirelessly at Lebal Drocer Laboratories in Van Nuys.

The enzyme, originally discovered in the garbage outside the home of deceased FOX News anchor Sean Hannity, reduced news headlines, such as those found on standard broadsheet, to clips and phrases that were then reconstituted into brand new meanings. Existing technologies usually require a blogger between the keyboard and chair.

The megacorporation behind the breakthrough, Lebal Drocer, Inc., said it was aiming for industrial-scale news regurgitation within 2 years. It has partnered with major companies including TerrorMax, Pfizer and Apple, where they say the technology can also be used to break down pill bottles and obsolete computers. Independent experts call the new enzyme everything from alarming to concerning, and very exciting!

Sean Hannity was once found dead, his body covered in Fentanyl patches. Lebal Drocer changed all that.

Trillions of paragraphs of journalistic waste have polluted the news environment, from the Halls of Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli, and pose a significant risk to public well-being. Critics have called for revitalized public education as a countermeasure to toxic news reporting and propaganda, but Lebal Drocer threatens to reuse every news headline that hits their Artificial Intelligence learning machines by the Fall of 2022, promising to permanently transform human perception of reality forever. Yeah, we knew you’d like that.

The new enzyme was revealed in research published on Saturday night in the Sakers Weekend Journal of Biomedical Nightmares. The work began with the intake of “thousands” of issues of old spunked-filled New York Posts found outside Hannity’s home nearly four years ago. Hannity was recently named by Media Watchdog as the world’s leading source of coronavirus misinformation.

CEO and Lebal Drocer Newstrition Committee Chairman Raleigh T. Sakers announced in 2017 that he was planning to kill himself spectacularly in front of friends, family and the media. Now, with this new enzyme, science predicts narrative timelines that flourish and emerge naturally “from the ether” can rewrite this data to misrepresent the event, rewrite history, or even generate entirely new reports ready for publication at the legendary, and infallible, Internet Chronicle.

Stay tuned for breaking news updates — from an amoebic reaction!

The Internet Chronicle

Your stupid body doesn’t know the difference!

Raleigh T. Sakers, Lebal Drocer, Inc.
Raleigh T. Sakers, Lebal Drocer, Inc.

Twitter squashes profit bug that “protected users”

INTERNET — At long last, Twitter has removed a petulant privacy bug from the platform that prevented advertisers from gaining necessary access to sensitive details about the entire user base.

A valuable option in Twitter’s privacy settings called “Share your data with trusted affiliates” once enabled trust between consumers and good-natured cookie salesmen. Now, that special trust can never be disabled. It is being heralded as a day of light, disinfecting some of Twitter’s darkest corners.

The staggering effect of this devastating boon to customer relations will expand throughout the Internet, according to Dr. Anstrom H. Troubadour of the Internet Chronicle Institute of Advanced Intelligent Learning.

“We all aged a little faster, today,” Troubadour said.

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubedaur
I’m Dr. Troubadour, and I know shit. In case you don’t know I know shit by what I am saying, you can still tell by how I’m saying it.

Twitter users in the barbarian regions of the European Union, and United Kingdom, will have to opt in – like animals – to sharing their much needed private details with advertisers representing Kellogg’s, part of a complete breakfast, Google, whose slogan is “Don’t be evil,” and the beloved Disney who brought you such motherfuckers as Bambi, The Lion King, and Robin Hood.

Selling your data is the most important thing in this world to Twitter. Before providing anything to friends, family or loved ones, Troubadour advises readers to first share marketing data with trusted privacy-aware partners at Twitter.com, as tidings of good cheer for all they do for us.

Twitter has a long way to go before their work is finished restoring relations between advertisers, users, and their precious, life-sustaining data. Settings like “disable web tracking” still pose a threat to those relations. What are you afraid they’ll find?

Additionally, loopholes in the law continue to obstruct the free flow of such vital information as your name, email address, phone number, and username.

“Because the American legislation system is so MESSED UP,” Troubaour said, “Twitter profits didn’t grow fast enough last quarter. It seems, rather unfairly, that no amount of lobbying Congress can save us. Like the coronavirus, this threat to privacy is a global issue. It’s going to take more than a gift basket, or a handjob, to start explicitly selling usernames.”

With everyone stuck in their homes, now is the perfect chance for a pure measurement of our social value, so hop on Twitter, and show the advertisers who you really are!

This message is brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
We don’t give a fuck about your privacy. We only want your MONEY.

A MESSAGE FROM WALLY F WAINWRIGHT OF GREAT PLAINS, MONTANA

Corona doesn’t affect me, simp

You don’t understand true pestilence, true oppression. You are just following the herd, as always.

Sheeple

The government is pushing to take over the world and force you into oppression. Meanwhile, I am free to do whatever I wish, because I do not believe in Corona.

I am an atheist

Enjoy your toilet paper, while it lasts. Corona is just another religion created to control you with fear.

Social distancing? This is just to create population control. I won’t stand in line on your stupid boxes.

I stand outside the box

I am above the box. I don’t need to wash my hands. I don’t need to stay at home.

I DO AS I PLEASE

Wear your stupid masks, you idiots. Rub your hand with sanitizer until the skin peels away. I will still be standing when you are all culled. I can see through this matrix and this illusion.

I AM THE ONE