Bank of America introduces “Whites Only” ATMs

CHARLOTTE, N.C.–A beleaguered Bank of America has rolled back its woefully misguided effort to foster racial calm, after a ‘segregated ATM’ pilot program failed to catch on outside of its Charlotte, North Carolina test branches or headquarters.

Dr. Cornel West came out against the ATMs on the basis of mendacity, stating the program has grotesque racist, classist overtones.

BofA President Richmond T. Skaers said he noticed that he felt much safer in his gated neighborhood, where others do not bother him, and wants every Bank of America customer to feel the same way, away from each other.

“Before 1865, racism wasn’t an issue. After that, we had to have signs. Was that racist? You tell me,” Skaers said. “I’m COLORBLIND. Then they made us take the signs down. Well, I say fuck that. Bank of America just got great again. The signs went back up, and several ATMs around Charlotte were reintroduced to non-whites, after being modified to meet the specific needs of an increasingly entitled customer base, known as Second Class Citizens. I’m sorry a few snowflakes didn’t like that.”

Bank of America: Automated teller machines were retrofitted with beautiful, vintage, turn of the century signage, along with other consumer-oriented enhancements.
Bank of America: Automated teller machines were retrofitted with beautiful, vintage, turn of the century signage, along with other consumer enhancements.

“I wish the machines were a little further apart,” admitted stay-at-home mom Mary Whittlesworth, “If I want to spend my husband’s money, I still have to stand next to…them, and right away, I can tell something ain’t right.”

Dan Roiland, a 39-year-old Lincolnton High School teacher from North Carolina said his bank refused to install the segregated ATMs after realizing the cost of maintaining two ATMs would be higher than the sum total of anything his scumfuck hick town might pull in, so he is now banking with the Ku Klux Kredit Union down the street, a bank that works exclusively with master races to build pure white communities.

“Fuck everyone else.”

— Dan Roiland, Rebel

Looking forward, BofA says it is rethinking its strategy to appease racial unrest, and has signaled a possible shift to a form of scrip, as a specialized currency intended to create a healthier relationship between certain people and their money.

Maurino ‘Helk’ Barry, creator of Rust, Dead at 38

Helk poses inside his Toronto home, just inches from where his dead body was found by investigators.

TORONTO — Maurino Barry, creator of the popular PC video game Rust, known as “Helk” to millions of fans, was found dead inside of his Toronto home, Tuesday, impaled multiple times by a crudely fashioned wooden spear. Fans of Helk, now known as the [RIP] zerg, have swamped the popular Scablands server, erecting an enormous tower in his memory.

Timothy Seivert, the teenage suspect in Barry’s murder, was found naked rifling through Barry’s valuables when he was arrested. Seivert has been charged by Toronto police with first degree murder and attempted robbery.

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, an expert in video game addiction said, “My preliminary analysis of online posts from Seivert depicts a young man who was totally obsessed with Rust, and had trouble distinguishing between fantasy and reality. Most of his posts express total hatred for the video game and Helk in particular, yet his public Steam account shows he spent a staggering 150 hours just last week, logged onto Rust.”

Seivert has been relocated to Toronto’s Centre for Addiction and Mental Health for treatment and an initial evaluation, and has attracted a fan following of Rust addicts who also harbor hatred for the game’s creator.

“RIP Seivert! You’ve gone deeper than any Rust player in history and are truly a God among men. FINALLY we will get the game WE want, without all the FUCKING AUTOTURRETS,” posted {MEGACHAD} ToxicFred, on r/playrust, a meeting ground for obsessed and disgruntled gamers.

CEO and founder of Facepunch Studios, Garry Newman, told reporters, “This is truly a tragic loss for gaming and for our team, but we will move forward with Rust and try to finish out Helk’s vision as best as we possibly can.”

How ugly sinners are ruining Heaven for Good Christian People

In Heaven, the people we love end up hurting us the most.

Because God loves YOU!

Saint Peter has cast more babies into the yawning mouths of Satan than he can remember, so he uses a ledger.
Saint Peter has cast more babies into the yawning mouths of Satan than he can remember, so he uses a ledger.

Heaven, once believed to be a land of endless smiles and permanent happiness, could be the final nightmarish conclusion to a life lived in clean Christian purity, according to a new study published by Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, who is a lead researcher at the Lebal Drocer Institute of Theology at Harvard University.

“You probably think of Heaven as a place where you get to chill out for all eternity with the people you love. That’s what we, at the school, thought too,” Troubadour said. “As it turns out, the people we love are flawed sinners who break the commandments, which – as you know – is punishable by eternity in Hell, where they are tortured, humiliated, and burned forever. And while I know that sounds badass, in reality it is intensely, emotionally painful for people in Heaven, separated from their loved ones.”

The absence of cherished sinners creates a ‘sterile’ Heaven devoid of pets, unbaptized babies, and cool uncles. According to Troubadour’s research, the whiplash from expectation to reality shocks the souls of even the bravest soldiers of God, as they enter the Pearly Gates only to discover the unrepentant sinners they love will not, in fact, walk beside them in the Kingdom of Heaven.

“If you go to Heaven and you’re looking for your son, but you can’t find him, he is probably paying for his sins for all eternity,” Troubadour said. “Angels are rubbing your shoulders, telling you how good you look, and driving you back and forth from the spa to church. Meanwhile, Timmy is getting molested by the Devil in Hell. Knowing this makes enjoying Heaven very difficult.”

Troubadour’s research into the afterlife uncovered gruesome details about Hell more Hellish than previously imagined, which is why Troubadour recommends baptizing babies as early as possible by giving water birth into a baptistery. He suggests either redefining your allegiances and forgetting about all the sinful loved ones whose indiscretions hurt snowflake Lord Jesus, or wallow in grief – in Heaven – because you still love your family.

“Alternatively,” Troubadour explained, “You could choose not to baptize your child, and when you get to Heaven, rest easy knowing your sinful, ugly, blasphemous baby is one of billions suffering as they deserve in the deepest, most hateful, unrelenting bowels of Hell as waves of fire wash over them, burning their tiny, helpless bodies, and stinging them with an undertow of dirty heroin needles and poisonous box jellyfish.”

Troubadour said because of population growth, Hell has been forced to expand torture operations to “an industrial scale.” Now, traincars carrying babies through Hell stop for one of only two reasons: either to add more unbaptized babies, or dump all the sinful babies into hot, hungry furnaces of fire and brimstone, which burn hotter, and brighter, and more intensely with every abortion, stillbirth, and incident of SIDS. Hot damn!

“Heaven sucks because of the sinners in Hell. Think about that before deciding to go to Heaven.” –Dr. Troubadour