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Anonymous Hackers reveal demonic human sacrifice at Babylon Bee office Halloween Party

INTERNET – Wednesday, the hacker collective Anonymous unveiled documents and video footage from inside the offices of the conservative satire website The Babylon Bee. Editor-in-Chief Kyle Mann was photographed in costume as Hunter Biden, snorting cocaine and smoking crack while exposing himself to staff.

“We can get away with it, because people will just think it’s props, that it’s fake, because we’re a comedy web site. Normal security measures do not apply,” Mann reasoned, in an e-mail memo distributed to staff. “Our readers will forgive us for anything. They love us.”

But crack cocaine was not all that was on the menu for the Halloween party at The Babylon Bee. “Look at me, I’m a Biden. I’m a Clinton!” Mann exclaimed, compulsively licking at his mouth, and producing a sack of pineal glands. “I can eat them straight, just like Hillary.”

Mann put the bag to his mouth, sucking in so many of the adrenochrome containing “soul” glands that he choked and spilled the extra glands all over the floor. The writers dove at the leftover glands like greedy pigs, biting at one another and fighting over every last drop of fluids while their editor-in-chief began to convulse, draped over his desk.

An excerpt from an e-mail between Jeff Rice, Babylon Bee writer, and his wife, explained the depraved scene at their demonic Halloween Party.

“When the wild high of the pineal gland feeding frenzy broke, I noticed Kyle convulsing and I was afraid he’d gone the way of Hillary. I mean they obviously weren’t first-world indigo children pineal glands, but he doesn’t usually indulge like this either. I’ve never seen him eat so many like that. It used to be even the Clintons would eat just a few, cooked on a pizza, but now even an editor of some joke web site is suckin’ them down like oysters, fillin his whole stomach with ’em. That’s the real story on Corona they don’t want you to know. It’s a soul harvest. No problem in the pineal gland supply chain, this year.”

No charges have been filed, and after contacting the Jupiter, Florida Sheriff, the Internet Chronicle received a nasty message saying that “You globohomo Anonymous freaks can tear the pineal glands out of our cold dead hands!”

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Caveman News

This is Caveman News.

News by cavemen, for the everyday caveman.

What’s up, fellow cavemen? For how many thousands of years are we going to keep calling ourselves that? I think since we’re all cavemen here, we can drop the prefix and just say, hello men. No. Somehow that is worse. What’s up, doc?

That was a good intro.

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubedaur
Don’t listen to what I say. Only how I say it. That’s called credibility.

I’m Ugg Troubadour, a fresh-faced doctor for the modern caveman. Don’t believe me? OK, hotshot, you tell me: If I am not a doctor, then why am I wearing this white labcoat, safety goggles and a sick-ass watch, while you’re still traipsing around in a leopard’s skin?

Today I am presenting you with a few tips and pointers we picked up on our recent med school trip to the bush, in an effort to make your sad, pathetic caveman lives just a little more tolerable.

You’ll still be miserable, but I have to fill a page, so read on.

Survival

  • When tearing apart trees to make your club, aim for something in the shape of a giant turkey leg.
  • When crossing a river or stream, remember to watch out for other cavemen. In a moment of weakness, they’ll catch you slipping, and you’re done. There’s no such thing as Caveman Law, and it is only a matter of time before you trip up, and become something less than a man. Stay alert.
  • A lion was seen on the savannas. Watch out.

Health and Society

Terror flax
  • Be on the lookout for terror flax, containing a chewable seed. This flowering plant heightens the senses, opens the pores, and unlocks the inner power of bloodlust.
  • Go to bed early tonight, because a volcanic eruption will soon plunge the entire world into more than 30 years of winter. That is two lifetimes without sun.
  • With life expectancy on the rise, groups want to push back retirement age to 14 years old.
  • If you see a spotted lanternfly, squash it immediately. They are invasive, and feel good to squash.

You’ve had regular food. Now try: Food for thought

  • The brutality of existence is baseline. Happiness or joy are temporary easements of suffering.
  • God hates us, as indicated by thunder and lightning. That is why you have lumps and boils all over your body. Do better.
  • Ask yourself this: You’ve already knocked her unconscious. Do you have to drag her into your cave by the hair?
Caveman News is brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer, Inc. Remain uncontacted.
Dr. Troubadour is recognized in all 50 states, many of which consider him a real doctor.

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Tim Pool dead at 35 after struggle with COVID 19

INTERNET — Fans mourn the loss of journalist and social media pundit Tim Pool, 35, who passed suddenly after a monoclonal antibody treatment for COVID-19 wore off, Friday morning.

Pool recently appeared on Fox News in tears and arguing for his freedom to dodge the very vaccine that would have surely saved his life.

Tim Pool’s meteoric rise to fame came as he covered the Occupy Wall Street movement in 2012, documenting every single incident of property damage and leading to several arrests.

From that point on, Pool said he was “destined” to parlay his fame as a riot livestreamer for the more alluring role of a straight-talking political influencer, shilling for the Trump 2020 campaign, even earning several “favs” from President Trump himself.

While some have criticized Pool’s suicidal trajectory during the pandemic, Pool’s friends are more circumspect. “There’s great liberty in sickness, and especially death,” Cassandra Fairbanks said, cuddling her pet monkey, Hillary. “If Americans want to incubate a deadly virus in their bodies for a few weeks, go around without masks on coughing and wheezing down at the Bojangles, only to have their lungs rot out in the hallway of an overloaded hospital, that’s their constitutional right. That’s the American Dream, man. And Tim Pool lived every last breath of it. Give us Liberty and Give Us Death!”