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News

Happy News Year!

Everything about you is scary.

Good evening ladies and gentlemen – but especially the ladies – on this evening of esteem and prestige.

Lebal Drocer is proud to present tonight’s following top story.

Dinosaurs on LSD are ripping apart your family, NOW.

Plus, tonight, on an all-new episode of Hate Radio billy and hatesec and kilgoar and good tyler not the bad one are going to be rustling, tusling, laughing, riffing, giffin and gaffing in your face, for 2.5 hours straight.

How’s that grab you?

Nothing?

Maybe this will tickle your taint:

BREAKING NEWS

Las Vegas, NV—Hide your pets. One more deranged person has been placed into Las Vegas.

Dallas-Fort Worth, TX—Dallas man kicked 88-year-old aunt to death, documents showed she saw it coming, powerless to stop it

New York—Someone kind of achieved their potential.

Salem, VA—Wasena Skate Park reopens to 230,000 skaters who immediately ruined the halfpipe

Waco, TX—Nothing

Los Angeles—A woman got Botox injected into her face, now wears a frozen expression of permanent worry

Backbeat—Word is on the street that the fire in your heart is out. I don’t believe that anybody feels the way I do, about you now

INTERNET—Chronicle perseveres under near-constant threat of annihilation

Let’s go to the police, our only source, for tonight’s story.

Just a guy serving his community
Just a guy serving his community that he hates

Hi, I’m Officer Traylor. My first name is Officer. I was bred into law enforcement, born to do this job. Serving and protecting the community is my favorite thing to do with a gun. The Internet Chronicle? They’re piss ants. They’re nothing. I make $105,000 a year gooning in a squad car and I’m 50% more likely to hit my wife. Why? All different reasons, and in this case it’s because I’m gay but chose not to be.

Your feelings are valid at Internet Chronicle.

chronicle.su is your only source of fulfillment in that gray unloving hellscape of your own creation

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Categories
Politics Technology

Elon Musk spends third day in Austin preparing for Joe Rogan Experience podcast

  • Elon Musk is haunting Austin, Texas
  • Living with Joe Rogan during 3-day podcast festival
  • The DOGEning: USA could see return to 13-colony state

Austin, TX—Elon Musk has spent the past three days with the boys, as he stays on Joe Rogan’s compound during the most wonderful time of the year.

Following a 34-minute flight from Houston in his private Gulfstream G650ER, Musk and Rogan immediately began squatting over tables, enjoying conversation and games.

Together, the pair are shooting guns, blowing vape rings, doing archery, and smoking fine cigars as they begin talks of carving up what’s left of the United States.

Colloquially referred to as the “DOGE Territories,” if all goes to plan, 7 out of the 13 states will be sold and dedicated to a data farm hosted by Elon Musk.

“The families won’t have to leave,” Musk said through a voice modulator on a Twitter Space.

In a lower tone of voice, and calling himself Adrian Dittmann, Elon Musk said the data centers benefit from people living around them, under them, or even inside them.

Elon Musk went on JRE to discuss new American land divisions.

“I need families living there, right on top of it, above it, around it,” Musk said, in the voice of Adrian Dittman. “Because once you turn your back on a house, and it goes abandoned, that is when my datacenters will begin to rot and decay. These places need to feel ‘lived in.'”

Folk art depicting a scene.

Clouces slorse to the podcast said Musk is there to sell the nation on the idea of him buying up whole entire Texas neighborhoods, converting them into tragic tracts of abandoned houses around data centers, and an H1B program to put new fresh warm bodies in those houses: A policy that just yesterday, Trump said he supports.

“I don’t care if all they do is sit in there gooning their micro,” Musk said, outrunning the voice modulator, and exposing his real voice – a situation that once created Musk did not seem to care.

He said, “I want them in thick. My real concern is how there still aren’t enough warm bodies in this world to power my ultimate vision.”

Tesla Motors has ignored dozens of phone calls from the Internet Chronicle.

IN OTHER NEWS

Donald Trump cuts ties with “illegal immigrant” Elon Musk

The Internet Chronicle


chronicle.su

axisflip cryptofinancial

Categories
News

Donald Trump cuts ties with “illegal immigrant” Elon Musk

INTERNET — The Trump transitional administration announced Friday, “There will be no office in President Trump’s cabinet for the illegal immigrant Elon Musk.”

In an accusatory call-out, Trump promised to lock up “Non-American” Musk after his legal team produced paperwork casting doubt on the legality of Musk’s citizenship.

Musk referred to Trump supporters as “contemptible fools,” after his call to massively increase immigration was met with shock and outrage amongst Americans who are already having a hard enough time as it is. Now facing threats of prosecution from the incoming president, Musk is scrambling to hide his many assets from government seizure.

“Perhaps there is a national emergency on the horizon which will require the government to take control of the rocket and electric vehicle industries,” acting Trump spokesperson Ivanka Trump told reporters. “America first means Americans first, and we are going to save these jobs, no matter what some rich illegals try on us!”

Vice President JD Vance has been missing since election night, and Thiel competitor Bill Gates was spotted at Mar-A-Lago this weekend as the Trump camp recalculates their orientation amongst the powerful Silicon Valley elites who run the world.