Oxford research team: Satoshi Nakamoto is “most likely Alien”

Did aliens create bitcoins? This report from Oxford has every military on earth on HIGH ALERT.

INTERNET — Friday, an Oxford Computer Science research team led by Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador declared that Satoshi Nakamoto, the founder of Bitcoin, is most likely a pseudonym used by a hostile alien species, perhaps from another planet.

Dr. Troubador’s team originally set out to research new internet filters that could weed out spammers who are employing increasingly sophisticated artificial intelligence when their filter hit on Nakamoto’s white paper for Bitcoin technology. “At first we laughed at this, but then we took a second look. The paper was most definitely synthesized.” Troubador told reporters in an exclusive interview, “We have a Sigma five certainty that the original bitcoin paper was artificially generated by a computer program beyond any known capabilities, which was remarkable enough to derail our entire research project. We’ve explored many possibilities, but by far the most likely answers are all earth-shattering in their implications. One idea is that an alien species has deployed an interstellar micro-probe to earth that has been interacting with our communications systems and gathering billions of dollars in financial assets, perhaps for decades now. Another belief is that possibly there is an intelligent mystery species that has remained hidden within the crust or underneath the oceans.”

While this announcement has left some critics laughing, military brass around the world have taken this as evidence of a grave threat to their security. Armed forces from all major powers snapped into high alert and are disconnecting as many of their systems as possible from the internet in sweeping security measures meant to secure nuclear and tactical assets.

Dr. Troubador warned reporters that it may be too late, “After the news first broke, our spam filter started going wild. We believe there is a new campaign of synthesized propaganda framing our work as a ‘communist’ plot meant to give the government control over the economy. The frightening thing is that this belief is gaining a foothold on social media. We fear that any attempts to seize the alien’s assets could result in widespread violence from right wing paramilitary elements under the hypnotic spell of the alien AI.”

Hank Desiderata of New Mexico’s Freedom Border Patrol said, “That’s just the price of freedom. Even if they are aliens, which is ludicrous, we start tearing down the free market just to get rid of their domination and it’s a slippery slope, next thing they’re taking guns from you and me. Anyway you fake news creeps can take the bitcoins from my cold dead hands!”

FUXNET DOXED by Raging White Supremacist

DETROIT– In a stunning blow to his manhood, the adorable baby biscuit of FuxNet himself, Drew Basko was arrested after a no-knock raid on his thrillion dollar home in the Detroit suburbs.

Fuxnet trash rat Drew Basko (left) and his pibble (also left) were featured in a tweet by Dox Holliday…and then something terrible happened.

Police say they were responding to reports from a trusted source – a real good old boy, they said, trusted reports – of an underground slavery network, but not the good, Harriet Tubman kind of underground, also associated with slavery. This one, police said, was very, very bad, and they were surprised no one self-investigated it yet.

“As is protocol, we did not understand the nature of the dispatch,” said Chief Steven Branton. “I only half heard the call. You know how women just like to talk. I hung up and hadn’t caught a word of it. So I figured, ‘fuck it.’ We just knew we were going in hot.”

With guns drawn, federal agents threw Basko to the ground, demanding access to his basement dungeon, where children were reportedly kept as property.

“Help! I’ve been swatted!” Basko cried out, pointing at a dark navy clad figure standing in the front door. “I was doxed! There’s the white supremacist who doxed me!”

Cyle sports a rare pepe familiar in a breathtaking desert photo. When he’s not making dank memes, Cyle Cannarsa enjoys punishing the sub-human migrant kids who come through his concentration camps.

Standing tall over Basko was Special Officer Big Dickington, a.k.a. Cyle Cannarsa, a real good ol’ boy with a three-headed hard-on for liberty, women, and white people.

FILE PHOTO: Cyle Cannarsa entered “blind rage mode” after a fellow patriot was doxed.

“He hurt one of ours, and I just seen red,” Cannarsa recounted. “I ain’t been that mad…in a long time. Not since this six year old illegal boy Alejandro looked up at me from the floor of a Freedom Camp, and complained his steak-umms were too frozen. The ingrate!”

Following the arrest, Cannarsa took a knee like his celebrity crush, Colin Kaepernick, used to do. He whispered to Basko, who lay crumpled on the ground under an officer’s tender knee. As he hissed, Cannarsa diddled Basko’s ear with his tongue.

“You’re damn right I doxed you. You know better, boy, than to give cops all that credit. I’ll see you in the refugee camps.”

Basko admits he was doxed in retaliation to attacking True Patriots nocankickn and good ol’ boy Cyle Cannarsa.

Back to the dark, roach!

“I guess I’m just like those kids in a lot of ways. Yes, I’m going to the camps now, and yes I had it coming to me. Cyle Cannarsa was right. I’m just like them. We are all the same.”

Now Basko is threatening to sue the Detroit police officers who entered his home, selfishly draining what little bit is left of the last remaining tax dollars from his own community, and potentially depriving even more children of food.

Truly Undoxable?

Despite mountains of research and articles, no one knows how to pronounce Cyle. Some say “Hero.”

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Doris Day Dead at 97?

Doris Day, the legendary singer and actress who recorded Gangsta’s Paradise, died at 1 a.m. Monday at her home in California… or did she?

No, she did. Doris Day is dead.

Celebrity experts say she was 97 years old when she died, and a lot of people are mourning. People are in mourning. They’re supposed to be at work!

The Doris Day Crypto-Psychotic Institute for Old Television Shows confirmed in a statement to chronicle.su that Day “rattled with temporal fever” as her body came apart, revealing itself at long last to be composed of a dense cloud of tiny alien spacecraft.

The ships scattered in the wind, before leaving Earth through interdimensional creases.

Doris Day was cute, but unfortunately made from advanced alien technology.

Witnesses were intimidated into silence. Even Alex Jones from infowars.com was speechless.

Day howled as she died, cackled, and growled like a river of wind, causing everyone’s ears to bleed. Human expression wiped from her face, Day scanned each person in the room, consuming their souls through the eyes, snatching family and loved ones alike down with her on a startling plunge into the darkest pitch of Hell.

“That’s why this is such a big deal,” Alex Jones said. “We’re all gonna read about this in the Chronicle!”

Day was well known for her contralto singing voice, which she famously showcased in “Whatever Will Be, Will Be (Que Sera, Sera)” from Alfred Hitchcock’s The Man Who Knew Too Much. Little did it matter, Day’s final howling shriek lives on in a broken reality, scorched into the memories of the few survivors who lived to tell about it.

“Her singing voice was so beautiful,” Nancy Grace recounted. “Which is why when she started howling like the Devil, I knew something was wrong, and it was time for me and the crew to get the flip out of there. I still have nightmares about it.”

When Doris Day was just 12 years old, she ignored what God and her parents said to do, so she went and got hit by a train. Just like what happened to Sam Kinison, this event triggered a dark turn in Day’s demeanor, form, and worldview, influencing her standup for decades to come.

Fans recall Day would lash out at audiences and was arrested twice for indecency. Officers waited off stage for the actress in 1989 after accepting the Cecil B. DeMille Award because during her acceptance speech, she removed her face, revealing a cyborg robotic emotive muscular simulation system of unknown origin. This alone was not a problem, but Day’s hair, shoulders, elbows and breasts had transformed into helicopter-mounted gatling guns, fed by a bandolier of souls from the future snatched into a horrific backward leap through time. Although she complied with police, Day killed indiscriminately, and paid dearly for her crimes in Time Court.

Day was later arrested during a meet-and-greet in 2005, where she controversially drank her own urine from a glass and sprayed it into the stunned faces of a live studio audience. She never opened with piss drinking, so this was a rare moment for fans and police.

Day was married a bunch of times, but no one knew she was the Reaper.

Who gives a fuck anymore. Y’all stay away from them Day Reapers you hear me?

Some say she’s still out there. She could still be hunting.