NEW YORK—As people in the community become face-touch weary, and some even consciously desire coronavirus infection, disturbing new trends of risky behavior have pushed the rate of new infections in New York higher than any other state in the US, all to the mantra of “don’t test, don’t tell.”
Using darknet sites for promotion and connection, a community of maskless, gloveless “barebackers” (those who venture out into the city without personal protective equipment) is flourishing. This includes bug chasers who host conversion parties where participants actively seek the gift of COVID-19 novel coronavirus infection.
Greg Moreland was once an articulate, well-spoken young man who moved to New York from the Midwest in search of a welcoming, presumably healthy, community. He became a bug chaser and actively sought the gift of coronavirus. When Greg became infected with the virus, he felt a sense of belonging to a community of badass, battle-scarred, corona-infected motherfuckers. He is now dealing with the unexpected severity of his illness.
Tensions are running high in both directions, as people pass each other in the street. Some are running to the nearest airports, away from viral epicenters. They pass others going the opposite way, headed straight into the throbbing epicenter of full-blown coronavirus, a glowing orange pile of bodies, lit up by thousands of pulsating pos parties, where one secret guest per party is infected with the contagious virus.
“We just want to hurry up and get it already, and get it over with, so we don’t have to worry about it anymore.”
–Noted psychoanalyst, community activist, and gift-giver Dr. Angstrom H. I.V. Ladour, MD, author of Pandemic Hellscapes and You: A Man’s Guide to Surviving Pangolin Flu.
To offer some indication of just how widespread the parties have become, Dr. Ladour said the wife of the Spanish Prime Minister has tested positive for Coronavirus, while the Prime Minister himself feels left out and ashamed, cucked by an exotic new virus.
INTERNET — President Trump was “too sick” for his usual 36 holes of golf at Mar-A-Lago this weekend, and after testing positive for Coronavirus Sunday evening, the president was quickly put into quarantine.
This follows boisterous statements by President Trump that Coronavirus was a “fake news hoax” created by the media to destroy his presidency. Now that he’s reportedly suffering from acute pneumonia, White House physician Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador says they’re doing all they can to save the president’s life, “Mike Pence has already taken over the president’s daily duties, and we’re hoping for a quick and speedy recovery. I’ve sucked about a gallon of fluid out of his lungs already, using a special new technique I invented just for Coronavirus. It’s kind of like siphoning gasoline. He’ll be fine.”
Meanwhile, Trump supporters are panicking, seeking for any angle to spin the Coronavirus outbreak into a win for the Republican party.
“Trump ain’t sick. He’s just playing 5d chess,” said Hyrum Pleasant, of Hemp Patch Mountain, Virginia. “Maybe, just maybe this is a biochemical weapon sprayed on us by Chinese chemtrailists and if that’s the case Pence’ll nuke them back to the stone age.” Unsatisfied still with his own attempts at spin, Mr. Pleasant violently turned on the Internet Chronicle reporter, brandishing a pitted confederate sword ripped from its display on his mantle. “It’s you, you created this disease just so you could come out here and interview me, so you could kill off my president.”
Rumors that gay men are immune to Coronavirus are circulating on Facebook, but the CDC has warned that no one is safe. “The idea that COVID-19 targets only straight white males, or that Jewish people or LGBTQ people are immune has no basis in reality whatsoever.”
Since first signing up for Pinterest, I’ve seen countless pins promoting shit-based exfoliants and masques.
According to groundbreaking research by Dr. Angstrom Human Shitladour, shit takes away puffy eyes, minimizes cellulite, and removes traces of dignity leftover after the last time a reader smeared shit on their faces.
Dr. Shit’s 1982 study even states that it reduces anxiety.
With all these projected benefits up for grabs, I thought I’d give shit skincare a try, and later report the following scientifically valid, fact-based, peer reviewed anecdotes.
Though many prefer coarse shits for scrubs and face masks, they might only do this a few times per week. I wanted to use it everyday.
That is why I created a shit cloth wash rag using locally sourced human feces (which are 100% pure shit). I then added the recommended amount of warm, microwaved buttermilk to make several batches, allowed it to cool, and used it in place of my Neutrogena Nsecurity facewash for one week straight.
This is my shit face wash story
You might be wondering, who am I, and what gives me the right to take up your precious time yammering on about my own face?
Before I began my journey into the world of excrement skincare, I was already feeling pretty good about my skin. Yes, I had a few bumps, blackheads, and a Glasgow smile, but nothing major stood out to me. Overall, I was mostly insecure about the sunken, dead expression in my eyes. Was I supposed to rub shit in my eyes, too?
Initially, I was a fan of using pure shit as a face wash. It made me feel awake and alive, as though I’d taken my recommended One-a-Day TerrorMax. I could also feel the shit caked in my pores.
However, as the day went on, I could feel my skin getting…shittier. When I looked in the mirror, I also noticed brown around my nose and T-zone.
I noticed a lot more brownness on day 2, and that irritation had spread to the tops of my cheeks. On the plus side, the shit smell still woke me up fast, but I was not exactly happy with my “results” thus far.
I feel like the shit makes my beauty mole different? I was applying sunscreen as I normally do and was spending about the same amount of time outside, yet my mole was swollen and inflamed to a proportion that is sure to steal the spotlight. Also, there are itchy red patches on the roof of my mouth.
By day 4, I felt like the shit was making me look worse. My face was turning tan as the shit became a sort of foundation, and there were more bumps on my skin. I noticed something different about the scaly patches in my mouth and throat: The patches are flaking off, exposing weeping sores that ooze pus when I swallow.
Things started to calm down on Day 5, so maybe my skin just needed to get used to the feces? Yet, I still wasn’t noticing any miraculous results. I also noticed that – even though I was getting a full 1.5 hours of sleep — my undereye circles looked darker. I am a teenage girl, not Emperor Palpatine!
The scabs around my mouth are hardening, outlined by a row of glistening red beauty pox, and my nose looks cute. I won the genetic lottery, so even with shit smeared on my face, I am doing alright. Still, it looks like I might be having a slight allergic reaction to the organic peanut oils in this shit. My face looks like a burnt pizza, but I feel like Chanel.
Is there a method to my madness? As you can see, there are some new scars on my face. I got this at a motor lodge when someone mistook me for a vagrant attacker. My skin was super sensitive, and like, couldn’t even – as I was pushed into a row of hot, freshly parked motorcycles. Also, I got the worst blackhead, right on the end of my nose. I look like a court jester!
Honestly, I didn’t mind using this face wash. My sensitive skin was triggered by the gluten in my donor’s diet, which can be curbed with a little lemon kiss, and a squirt of tea tree oil in the mix. Overall, it made my skin redder, drier, and increased the amount of bullshit already going wrong with my face. Also, I am pretty sure it didn’t complement mon parfum. On the plus side, it did make me feel more like an asshole!
Since it was cheap to make, and since we all have different skin types – this type of face wash may work better for someone whose skin takes to having shit smeared on it like an abused child’s watercolour. But, before you go ahead and give it a try, make sure to consult a doctor for a second opinion.
This story is brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer, Inc.