Categories
News

INTERNET SENSATION CHRIS-CHAN FOUND DEAD IN HENRICO COUNTY JAIL CELL AFTER APPARENT SUICIDE

Chris Chan died of an apparent suicide, Saturday, after being placed in a misgendered jail cell.

INTERNET — Fans mourn the loss of Christine Weston Chandler AKA “Chris-Chan,” after she was found dead in a Henrico County jail cell from an apparent suicide. Chris Chan was misgendered and placed in the male section of the jail by the prison staff.

Chris-Chan rose to fame after creating Sonichu, a character which is a combination of video game icons Pikachu and Sonic.

Fans held a vigil outside of Chris-Chan’s residence in “CWCville.”

Frederika Dumont told reporters, “I am one hundred percent on this: They Epstein’d CPU Blueheart Sonichu [Chris-Chan] to prevent the dimensional merge. It was almost here but now the herald has been assassinated. We mourn not only for CPU Blueheart, but for the failure of the dimensional merger. Chris-Chan will live on, on the other side, inside of Sonichu’s immortal body.”

Followers of Chris-Chan considered the former body of Chris-Chan to be inhabited by a feminine manifestation of “Sonichu” known as CPU Blueheart. The arrival of CPU Blueheart was only the first setp in the merger of fiction and reality which will purge all evil out of this world.

“Sonichu just doesn’t understand this reality… She’s gone mad with power after entering into the body of such a famous person, and what happened with Barb, it was a misunderstanding,” Dumont said. “You try living inside of this dimension, and following its norms, after you’ve spent a millennia as the icon of a wish-fulfillment fantasy world!”

Categories
News

HACKER EXPOSES “YOUR ANON CENTRAL” OPERATION RUN BY CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE AGENCY

Your Anon Central is controlled by the CIA

INTERNET — Thursday, the Anonymous hacker known only by the alias ‘Asshurt’ revealed damning documents that prove the popular so-called “Anonymous” twitter account YourAnonCentral is owned and operated by the Central Intelligence Agency.

“Even in their earliest internal e-mails you can see, they are laughing about calling themselves Your Anon Central, in reference to the Central Intelligence Agency,” Asshurt told reporters at the Internet Chronicle.

Work to release the documents through the same extremely careful redaction process followed by Edward Snowden is already underway at The Intercept. Asshurt has granted an exclusive interview to the Internet Chronicle.

Connecting with reporters over the most highly encrypted channel, Asshurt ripped a vape and cursed, “Fuck, I’ve always believed something was up with that account. All it does is tweet propaganda against United States adversaries and other filler content that has no relation to hacking or hactivism whatsoever. I’m just trying to protect the name of Anonymous.”

“I’m just trying to protect the name of Anonymous” – Asshurt

Details of the manifest for Operation Crucible, code name for CIA activities to utilize the Anonymous brand for propaganda furthering United States foreign policy, outlines a three-pronged approach. “Co-opt, Destabilize, and Command. The first stage, Co-opt, will appropriate the Anonymous imagery, create social media accounts and web sites trafficked by a majority of Anonymous fans. Once this is achieved, destabilize will cast doubt on non-CIA sources of Anonymous branded information. The final and important stage, command, will, in conjunction with the State Department, propagate materials and information beneficial to United States foreign policy.”

Psychological Operational Analyst Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador told the Internet Chronicle, “Operation Crucible, by all metrics, has been a wild success. Anons are more likely to hate China, Myanmar, Russia, and other competitors to United States hegemony, while simultaneously considering themselves to be revolutionary and radical thinkers. Yet as you can see, they’re only mere puppets of propaganda.”

SpartaZC, the alleged owner and operator of YourAnonCentral has not responded to inquiry.

Categories
News

California Legalizes Parasocial Marriage

After California passed the Parasocial Marriage Bill, over 27,000 citizens filed for the new parasocial marriage licenses.

INTERNET — Monday, California Governor Gavin Newsom signed the Parasocial Marriage Bill into law, which went into effect immediately. This controversial new law allows individuals to enter into a one-way marriage with their favorite entertainers and fictional characters. Lawmakers say this new law will benefit the economy by allowing the estates of single people to be more easily disbursed to struggling content creators and corporations, while giving single people a reason to live.

Jerome Glassley of San Diego showed off his engagement ring, telling reporters, “Finally, after years of struggle and oppression, my friends and family and even the government have come around and are accepting of my Waifu, Hinata. I am planning a full, real wedding with all the trimmings and I couldn’t be more delighted.”

Twitch megastreamer, Amouranth, was parasocially wed to nearly two hundred fans just hours after the Parasocial Marriage Bill passed. According to state marriage clerk, Cindy Lawhorn, the clerks’ offices across the state are swamped with paperwork.

Amouranth told the Internet Chronicle, “It’s nice that people are so accepting and that my fans are finding a new meaning in life. I think parasocial marriage is the best thing to come to California in decades.”

Other states, including Oregon and Colorado are looking into their own parasocial marriage laws, and several delegates in West Virginia have already begun drafting their own parasocial legislation.

Parasocial Marriage Critic and psychologist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador has warned that encouraging parasocial relationships may lead to a sudden decline in birth rates and mental health, saying, “A one way relationship is not necessarily unhealthy, but my research has shown it increases suicidal impulses. The only real legal force that these marriages have is to serve as a de facto will granting your property to your so-called marriage partner after death. It’s all fun and games now, but this might begin to encourage a lot of murders and suicides as people begin to target their friends and neighbors with parasocial marriages.”