INTERNET — President Biden was rushed from his Delaware campaign headquarters to Walter Reed Medical Center Monday evening, after what a White House spokesperson called a “medical emergency.” President Biden passed away shortly after being placed on ventilator, presumably due to respiratory failure. The American military mourns the loss of their commander-in-chief, with flags across the nation flying at half staff.
Vice President Kamala Harris has been sworn into office during an emergency flight to Washington DC aboard Air Force One.
President Harris has ordered an end to the genocide in Gaza and the war in Ukraine, and promised to de-schedule psilocybin mushrooms and ketamine so that they’ll be more available for traumatized citizens. Harris announced, “We’ve got a lot of people with PTSD due to all these wars, and we’re going to make sure they can get some real medicine that actually works.”
President Biden was diagnosed with COVID-19, Wednesday, although critical billionaire activist Elon Musk noted the convenience of his sickness and inevitable death, “You want to hide the truth from the people? Well I know better. They killed Biden in a coup! This is a hostile takeover and they’ll never let Trump win. I’ve seen their plans. They’ve got a whole binder full of mass shooters lined up to take him out, but we will resist as best we can, using our inexhaustible high tech resources. We are Anonymous. We do not forgive. We do not forget. Expect us.”
Dr. Troubadour loves entertaining for children around the year.
Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour
CUTHBERT, Georgia—Perhaps best known for his Internet Chronicle expertise, and his prolific work as a family doctor, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour has been a household name since 1999. But what many Americans might not know, is that Dr. Troubadour was recently made to attend community service by the courts, and has since graduated magna cum laude from the most prestigious clown college in the country, the Lebal Drocer School of Performing Arts in Los Angeles, California.
Dr. Troubadour, in search of neither fame nor fortune, but a secret third thing, never made a fuss over the important work he does entertaining at the children’s hospital, where kids are sick, braindead, or even dying.
“Stimky the clown” brings funny books & literature for the kids.
The Internet Chronicle caught up to Troubadour, ahead of the scheduled time he said he would be exiting the hospital in full clown costume and makeup. This, according to a glossy pamphlet that comes with the press kit: a box that when you open it a flower springs to life, grows to maturity, and dies in front of you, before squirting out a mysterious fluid onto your clothes. Ever the prankster, Dr. Troubadour’s work gained him notoriety and recognition from around the world, such as the time he pranked the American people with TerrorMax, which Det. Mike Lambert with the Miami-Dade Sheriff’s Department says he substituted for over-the-counter Aspirin.
“He wasn’t even supposed to be involved in the manufacture process,” Lambert said. “Somebody let him into that Bayer chemical plant.”
Now, Troubadour is taking that silly spirit and bringing it to the children, who are laying there just a dyin in a hospital bed.
On Saturday, June 8, children were watching Columbo, with the sound off, in their beds when Troubadour exploded into the room. Hidden camera footage reveals the tender moment when Troubadour addresses the room for the first time, capturing their attention.
“Just got word from Nurse Bitchery says you little motherfuckers are all dying faster than the rest of us,” Troubadour said. “Well I got news for Nurse Bitch-Hole. SHE the one gonna have to live with all this death!”
The children erupted with laughter, cheering and applause. Dr. Troubadour was here. Right now. But they weren’t allowed to address him as such, for today, this was Stimky the Clown.
Stimky continued:
“Yeah I saw the look in her eyes, it’s taking its toll,” Stimky said, nodding enthusiastically as he scanned the room for smiles with wide open eyes. “It’s affecting her!”
Eight kids threw up their hands in jubilation. Stimky’s eyes rolled back in his head, as he wallowed openly in shared joy. However, he quickly regained his composure and began his opening remark.
“Now I know what you kids are thinking. Stimky. Your life is hell. How do you find it within yourself to be so god damn funny? Tell me how do you carry on, day in, and day out, with this Patch Adams horseshit? Tell me how. Okay. You want to know how I do it?” Dr. Troubadour said, in Stimky’s thick Brooklyn accent.
The children percolated with muted laughter, anticipating the punchline.
“Every morning, I look at my probation officer’s picture, and spit in his motherfucking face.”
The small audience of kids gasped and drew back. Troubadour recognized it was high time he started winning back this crowd.
“Maybe you kids don’t know what a probation officer is,” Stimky said. “Looking at some of you right now, I wish I was you.”
Stimky put on a clown nose and did his best silly walk, high stepping like Monty Python — a reference that missed the dying children by 50 years — as he demonstrated how he would go about kicking a corrections officer in the face, using a phrase he came up with on the spot in clown college:
“gak! gak! gak!”
With each cry, Troubadour did a sidekick, in perfect form.
BREAKING
BELOVED CHILDREN’S CLOWN DOCTOR ARRESTED
Dr. Troubadour is being held without bond at the Cuthbert City Jail. —Internet Chronicle
DR. TROUBADOUR ARRESTED, HELD WITHOUT BOND
It was at this point a nurse was called in and asked to stop the performance, ending Troubadour’s set with two hours left on the bill. He was escorted from the premise by the upstanding lawmen of Cuthbert Police Department, who were waiting outside for a signal.
“I didn’t want to see what was about to come out of that goofy medical bag,” Ranowski said. “He just had this look about him. You know? Like you could tell something wasn’t quite right.”
Dr. Angstrom Troubadour is being held without bond at Cuthbert City Jail. As such, Google Reviews for the facility have been removed in accordance with the Elite Privacy Cloud that follows wherever the doctor operates.
The owner operator of Kiwi Farms is Josh Moon, age 12, of St. Augustine, Florida. His irresponsibility in publishing has led to a widespread clampdown on internet freedom in the US and abroad
INTERNET — Joshua Moon was banned from X on the D-Day anniversary after insulting veterans and the freedoms they fought to protect. Moon’s company Final Solutions LLC operates Kiwi Farms, an internet gossip site known for abandoning all responsibility in publishing. So long as the material isn’t criminal, he’ll publish it.
The loss of this X account dealt Null a mortal blow, and he’s been posting about buying the same make and model of pistol that lowtax, the former owner operator of Something Awful used to end himself. However, he’s written in a now-deleted post that he’s just angry, not depressed, and in full control over the choice between these two emotions.
In complete turmoil following his ban from Elon Musk’s free speech platform, Null’s staged a theatrical self-castration for his gaggle of half-literate teenage fans, dubbing himself the “gigavictim.” He’s emoted deeply that his self-sacrificing efforts to make a change in the internet are all in vain, and any pretense of activism or reform have left his mind. What remains of this cockless former man is only “speech terrorism.” This is, no doubt, a reference to his continued writing of crappy essays rather than any of the milquetoast edgeposting on his extreme gossip forum.
Republican representative Marjorie Taylor Green said that the Kiwi Farms website should not be allowed to exist. Donald Trump and Joe Biden have yet to comment, but the overwhelming bipartisan determination is that this website is wrong. The one lawyer in America who came out to support Kiwi Farms before a later disavowal is the now disgraced YouTuber Nick Rekieta, who was definitely smoking something at the time.
Moon rants on Kiwi Farms about how even “free speech” oriented providers will not do business with him. Laughably, the Australian Vincent Zhen, a provider for the site, was so irresponsible as to no-show for a lawsuit and lose $400,000 on the basis of simply providing services to Moon. Civil suits have been a persistent issue for Moon, and now the FBI is closing in as well. Even Google is telling him, in automated messages, that his account has been turned over as evidence. The FBI toolkit of broad-reaching criminal charges is likely to find something, anything, and finally end the stupidity. Maybe Moon’s even involved in the Daniel Larson case, a homeless man who was trolled into pulling fire alarms, n-bombing strangers, and ultimately streaming bomb threats targeting investigating FBI agents.
I hopped onto Kiwi Farms and confronted Moon, who as far as I can tell is trying his damnedest to make as much case law against a free and open internet as possible. He claims to be a warrior for the freedom of speech, and yet his actions and comments indicate that he actually hates freedom.
Taking up the pitiful cowed posture of half-defeated Palpatine, Null is ready to zap down his next unwary victim. The lawsuit against Zhen, the public pressure on network infrastructure, it is not a great direction for internet freedom. Yet these precedents are a legacy that will long outlast Kiwi Farms, and gigavictim Moon is the one to blame. While funny, the chronicles of the life of Chris-Chan will not make or break humanity, and are not worth such sacrifice. Perhaps others will be zapped like Zhen, and Moon will continue with his website. But this late in the game, it sure doesn’t look like it. In fact, it’s a wonder he’s got so far.
Alas, a trans vine of thorns wrapped itself around Moon’s esophagus and his brokeass pendulum just wouldn’t swing. I was banned from Kiwi Farms and received no response. Let the coward’s effigy hang forever as a blood payment, sweethearts: Freedom ain’t free
