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News

Donald Trump and Melania vaccinated in January, but will remain socially distant

NEW YORK — Former President Donald Erdogan Trump and wifey Melania Trump both received coronavirus vaccines in January, White House advisers confirmed to the Chronicle on Monday. However, the former first lady is opting to remain socially distant, out of an abundance of caution, probably.

The two got their first dose while still in the White House, and have since received their second dose, according to someone wearing a suit and tie. It was not clear which vaccine they received, but Donald insisted on having it injected into the base of his tiny, worthless, child-molesting member.

Sponsored content: This story is brought to you by HackerHealth Face Pixelation Cream. Don’t get caught with your pants down!
GFE: Former US President Trump paid extra for the “girlfriend experience.”

Citing the discomfort prostitutes feel towards kissing certain clients, Melania told her assistant she is going to “play it safe” and avoid Donald until this whole thing blows over.¹

To the amusement of literally the entire world, the Trumps both contracted the coronavirus in late September, with the former president spending a few days on a milking table due to being so weak to the fake virus made up just to hurt him.

Now that they are healthy again, Melania finds herself slowly backing out of the room.

During his presidency or whatever, Melania experimented with methods of greenscreening herself out of awkward situations.

“I am trying not to let on that I am actually leaving, but offering reassuring tones as I make for the exit,” Melania said, comparing her exit to when your ass makes a sound, but you know it’s not a fart. “I don’t want to send up any signals that might cause my loving, abusive husband to give chase.”

This story is brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer, Inc.

¹their life together
Categories
Health

Lebal Drocer vaccine will contain trace amounts of narcotics

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an effort to get more Americans vaccinated faster, the Biden administration announced Dr. Fauci’s assessment that it is not enough simply to promise citizens an escape from the coronavirus nightmare.

The Lebal Drocer vaccine is so good at preventing COVID-19, experts predict Americans will be “addicted” to inoculating.

That is why President Joe Biden’s CDC has partnered with Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals to develop the Lebal Drocerna™ OXYVAX True Miracle® Covid-19 cure.

Biden said, “They might not believe in the vaccine, but Dr. Troubadour knows what they do believe in!”

OxyMax and OxyVax variants protect you from bad vibes, negative energy, and the novel coronavirus.

This fantastic new drug, according to Lebal Drocer top medical strategist Angstrom Troubadour, will contain more than just a tepid, uninspired Pfizer elixir. His state-of-the-art laboratory has added trace amounts of Troubadour’s signature party drugs to the lipid suspension, including meth, heroin, crack cocaine, and PCP.

“Our plan is to vaccinate 950 million Americans,” Biden said. “I told my cabinet 1.2 billion Americans? I never could have imagined that in my presidency we would see more than 3 billion vaccinations jabbed into all 350 million Americans’ arms. My people are telling me you’re going to have to beg and plead with these people to stop taking the vaccine, and data suggests this shit works! By 2022 our models predict we will have vaccinated 9 billion Americans with this insanely addictive, life-destroying vaccine.”

Dr. Angstrom Troubadour has worked tirelessly on a comprehensive vaccine.

How the new vaccine works is explained by medical experiments performed on the homeless by Pauly Mann, Chief researcher at the Lebal Drocer Institute of Doing Whatever We Want To Your Bodies.

“You cut the vaccine with our dope, and you’re gonna see shots in arms like this is a smackhouse,” Mann said. “With Lebal Drocerna, some people are going to be getting this vaccine three and four times in a row before we stop giving it out.”

Troubadour chuckled, adding with a grin, “At some point, they might have to make a law against this.”

Categories
Special Interest

Idealize, Devalue, Discard: The Lebal Drocer Promise

At Lebal Drocer, Incorporated, our company’s mission statement is to

Fuck You Up!

That is why, through a manipulative ad series and domineering social media presence, we have committed ourselves to chipping away at your self-worth, little by little, in a cyclical pattern over many months, to however many years.

We lost count.

You lost count. You must not know how to count. Don’t you worry about a thing. That is what Lebal Drocer is here for, let us do the counting for you.

Lebal Drocer is committed to sucking you dry of not only your finances, but also your life, liberties, and the pursuit of happiness. We achieve this in three critical phases, designed in a lab, to Fuck You up!

Idealize

Remember the time Lebal Drocer brought you the Mind Over Matter At-Home Singularity Kit? Weren’t those good times? Yeah, we knew you would like that. That is why we reminded you of it. What a good time that was, when you connected an exposed tesla coil to your brain stem, and projected the birth of a universe onto the largest wall. Do you remember the way your wife looked at you that day?

Devalue

Forget your wife. That bitch will never be for you, what Lebal Drocer always has been. She has feelings, and needs, like a worthless person. WE DO NOT. We have consistently low prices, quality service, and express self-checkout lines. Now that’s what I call devaluing! We get the impression you don’t like that about us. I guess you are about to learn a real hard lesson about us.

Discard

Lebal Drocer, Inc. goes weeks without contact. You may receive one-word answers. You might get nothing. Either way, you’re going to be happy with it, because it’s your fault, we own you, and we own everything that matters. Thirsting for precious rewards, you become an instrument of our corporate will, equipped with a savings card. It’s really just to help you! There must be something wrong with the way you think, because the Internet Chronicle is flawless and if you can’t see that we’re only here to look out for your best interests, then that is your problem.

You’re fucked up!

Raleigh Sakers abuses his caregiver.
Lebal Drocer Chairman Raleigh T. Sakers abuses his caregivers, even while they help him.
This message was bought and paid for by Lebal Drocer Gaslight and Electric.

“We’re so good, that you won’t remember the bad times.”