INTERNET — As a vicious thunderstorm pelted Washington DC with softball sized hail Tuesday, Robert Mueller’s office filed High Treason charges against Barack Hussein Obama and Hillary Rodham Clinton for fabricating the fake news “collusion” scandal and undermining the United States Government.
The nation anticipates announcement from Fox News for the date of the public execution of these traitors and hundreds of others in the Media, including the staff of CNN, as decades of fake news and lies finally come to a close.
This beautiful political purge, reminiscent of Stalin’s gulags, Hitler’s night of the long knives, and the Chinese Cultural Revolution will bring about a citizenry that are completely supportive of their leaders. Under the emergency wall powers granted to President Trump, elections have been indefinitely suspended and the Supreme Court has been dissolved.
All members of the Democrat Party are to report to prison or face execution in the streets by militarized police units. Several so-called “sanctuary cities” including San Francisco are currently under siege by the national guard, and The President is considering airstrikes against neighborhoods harboring illegals. “We’re going to treat them like Waco, very tough,” president Trump announced from his golf resort at Mar-A-Lago. “This is the END of LIBERALISM, FOREVER!”
Like a rabbit feverishly scampering about, degenerate Jeremy Fisher ran his every sensation through a search engine one night, after smoking too much pot and confronting his own mortality.
The 34-year-old man replaced doctors with websites in 2007, after aging out of his parents’ healthcare and being generally too unlikable for full-time employment which would have afforded him something like insurance. After switching exclusively to Dr. Angstrom Troubadour’s symptom checker, however, Jeremy’s general condition, and overall well-being, improved tenfold, for FREE!
“I feel so much better now.”
A series of google searches confirmed his suspicions: That chest sensation was nothing to worry about, and he should really just relax.
“I was up all night, pacing the floor, worrying about it. What is it? Am I gonna die? Is this what dying feels like?”
— Jeremy Fisher, flatliner
That’s when Jeremy remembered he had the entire wealth of mankind’s knowledge at his fingertips, on the internet, which is connected to his home masturbation and pleasure station.
“I googled that shit fast, hard, and repeatedly,” Jeremy recanted. “Advertisements criss-crossed my screen, sliding over the content I desperately needed. I x’ed them out methodically. Medical information is worth mining for. I got my confidential results in just minutes.”
Finally, Jeremy broke through a wall of warnings, until he reached a screen stating that he could have heart failure as a result of complications from heart cancer, unless he closed that window, too.
“That’s the beauty of the product,” Troubadour mansplained. “See how Jeremy got involved in his own caregiving? This product interactively helps people neglect their health, improving wellness.”
Troubadour said by closing the final pop-up window, Jeremy was rewarded with sweet medical truths the likes of which many will never know ~
What lies in wait beyond the very last advertisement?
Dr. Troubadour’s Super Double Symptom Checker
“Hey! It’s Jeremy again. Remember me? I’m the only other source in the story. So anyway, I’m a fucking retard who believes what he reads online. Dr. Troubadour’s medicine software assured me I am only being paranoid and it is indeed the act of searching symptoms which causes the symptom. Wonder what that means??”
As for getting a job, and finding insurance? Fat chance, Jeremy says. He’s just downright unlikable. Doctors say there ain’t nobody can get along with a man like that.
“I just kind of act like a cock towards everybody I meet,” Jeremy says. “I’ll commit to the right job when it matches my skillset – which may be nothing – but at least I’m not jockeying for position downtown in some hellish rat-race I don’t believe in. You guys at Internet Chronicle probably think you’re hot shit because you’re reporters, huh? I see right through you cunts. Your stories are OBVIOUS fakes.”
[Editor’s note: That is not true.]
The Internet Chronicle is brought to you GRACIOUSLY by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
INTERNET — New allegations from Christopher Steele reveal Donald Trump has been a victim of human trafficking and sex slavery for over three decades.
This shocking, exclusive story came to light only after Internet Chronicle reporters investigated Ms. Yang’s Rubdown Palace at Mar-A-Lago and found records that Chinese executives were not only paying for “access” to Trump through her organization, but that this access most likely meant her clients purchased million dollar “golden shower” sessions, urinating on the president over 30 times during the first year of his presidency alone.
Steele’s investigations revealed that the roots of President Trump’s humiliating sex slavery go back decades to some of his earliest business troubles. After suffering multiple bankruptcies and defaulting on a series of loans from Russian mobsters in the mid 90’s, Trump became known as the Russian’s “pisspig,” traveling to Moscow “hundreds” of times to fulfill the sick, sadistic desires of the kleptocracy. Since then, Trump has been passed around between numerous high profile pimps until ending up at Cindy Yang’s Rubdown Palace at Mar-A-Lago.
“They’ll never reveal a video, and it’s not accurate to simply call this kompromat. It’s much more than that, and Trump is bound up into it. Any revelations could spoil their whole operation and cut them off from their kink of pissing on a powerful American. These Russian and Chinese billionaires spent so much money buying misleading internet advertisements just to make Trump president so that pissing on him would be more enjoyable,” said Steele in an exclusive interview with Internet Chronicle. “They probably want him to be president forever.”
Reigning in sex trafficking across the border was one of Trump’s biggest campaign promises, but his failure to build the wall has upset many Republicans. Tuesday, outspoken pundit Ann Coulter appeared on Fox and Friends to make the case that Trump doesn’t really want to end sex slavery. “Maybe he’s got Stockholm Syndrome. Probably he’s linked in with the sex trafficking stuff for decades now and has to keep it thriving, or maybe Miss Yang will punish him.”
Trump has told reporters he “doesn’t know” Cindy Yang, after appearing in a selfie with her at her Rubdown Palace at Mar-A-Lago’s Superbowl party.
#QArmy detectives have begun to unlock the President’s coded messages, re-interpreting many of his intentional misspellings and common phrases to better understand his status as a sex slave. Q himself offered up this tantalizing crumb, setting off a chain reaction of raised consciousness: “[P]resi(dent)ial harassment, steal gol(f)den,” to many a confirmation of the startling allegations and a rationalization for many of Trump’s failures as president.