Zelenskiy: Ukraine Thankful for Javelin Missiles, but War on Biden requires Bunker Busters

The President of Ukraine is certain that Javelin Missiles are not needed, but welcome in the hunt for Joe Biden

President fans, cowering in their refugee-like encampment at Mar-A-Lago, celebrated as Trump announced there will be no Hamberders today, not even a cup of Covfefe. His tired vocal strains echoed through the Florida heat, “The dems have served over 1,000 nothingberders, so that’s what Patriots will eat today.” The cheers from fans lacked all enthusiasm, tired from years of strain. “We need to look into Barack Obama’s fake birth certificate, Hillary’s e-mails, and Joe Biden. I hereby announce that Nancy Pelosi is no longer Speaker of the House.”

“What did Joe Biden do again? Who’s the new speaker?” one President fan asked another. Rudy Giuliani’s spine snapped like a whip, and he barked at the confused man, “Shut up! SHUT UP! I’ll SUE you for LIBEL.”

Meanwhile on Capitol Hill, Democrat Representatives milled around their lobbies in anxiety, wringing their wrinkled greedy hands and asking themselves, “Is this impeachment stuff really going to please the paymasters?” Nancy Pelosi was seen crying in the halls, “But I wanted to be Speaker of the House! This isn’t FAIR.”

Meanwhile, under extreme duress and possibly drugged with some powerful barbiturate by President Trump’s goons, Ukraine’s President Zelenskiy announced that the hunt for Joe Biden is making headway, after confusion about the tit-for-tat agreement with Donald Trump. “We thought we had to kill Biden in exchange for the Javelin missile systems, but it turns out that was a mistake. Now we’re just killing him out of our own goodwill, and the Javelin missile systems are pretty great too.”

The Javelin missile system, which uses an advanced homing device, rockets high into the sky before screaming towards the earth at targets, such as battle tanks, whose armor are only designed to withstand projectiles launched on a horizontal trajectory. According to weaponry expert Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, “None of the Bidens can withstand a direct or indirect hit from the Javelin Missile System, nor can they escape it once it’s been launched, so their best bet is to hide underground in a guerilla tunnel network much like Tora-Bora.” However, talks are already underway as Ukraine seeks to procure Bunker Buster bombs to win the War on Biden.


Cory Lewandowski Died after setting himself on fire, Tuesday

Three years of hate and hype boiled over on Capitol Hill Tuesday as impeachment proceedings against President Donald Trump were unveiled to a desensitized herd of faithless swine. Naruto-running creeps circled the Washington Monument, and Jamie Jo Corne, racist leader of the Anonymous hacker collective appeared many years late with three hundred head of cattle and Articles of Separation written out in shaky calligraphy on fine vellum. “We, The People of the Confederate States of America, Proudly Declare Donald Trump King of all White Patriots.”

Meanwhile, inside the miserable impeachment hearings the pitiful repetitive squeals of Republican Representatives inspired no sympathy or rage. In an act of epic impotence Lobbyist Scumsucker Cory Lewandowski died after setting himself on fire just outside the Capitol building, reportedly shouting at police and extending a stiff arm towards the White House, “Heil Trump! Heil Trump!” As his charred flesh peeled away, eyewitnesses claimed they saw a glistening metallic skeleton and heard his voice screech in a horrific inhuman pitch, degrading towards a single piercing tone, “like a dial-up internet gone wrong.”

Left behind for once in the all-out publicity orgy, President Trump filed a civil suit against the United States Federal Government, seeking ten trillion dollars in damages for so-called Presidential Harassment. The President also messaged all his fans, asking them to consider 36 holes or a vacation at one of his many golf resorts to help offset the costs of being impeached, even floating the idea of converting many of his hotel units into ripoff timeshares. Many President fans emptied their bank accounts and are now hunkered down in an encampment outside Mar-A-Lago. An eyewitness claimed the scene there is “Some mixture of Jonestown and Joe Arpaio’s open-air prison, and nothing to eat but daily shipments of fast food meals. They nearly lynched a man for hate-watching CNN.”

Joe Biden was seen sweating and skulking in the DC Metro, waiting around for a train among the swine, trying to blend in with a trenchcoat and Ray Bans. “The Ukrainians are following me,” he whispered. “They’ve got little pellets with poisons, electrical shock heart attack tasers, God knows what else. If they don’t pull off this hit the Eastern front will fall to Putin. It’s the end of the line for Old Uncle Joe, and I’m just taking my final ride. They’ll scramble my brain with a sonic pulse if I try to hide, and there’s no way out now. The Swine have it.”

Brave cat returns to rightful owner Julian Assange after incredible journey

LONDON–Immediately following an incredible journey of courage, adventure, and friendship, Embassy Cat returned to the arms of his one and only friend, a publisher who seemed down on his luck, and imprisoned like himself.

Embassy Cat was forcibly separated from Assange in Act I by ruthless Ecuadorian gangsters. Disney Films

The cat would often stare back at onlookers for long periods of time. This confused Embassy Cat, because he could not figure out why people were constantly looking in his windows. But he never felt scared, because just on the other side of a curtain was his best friend, Julian Assange. Then, when Assange was arrested and forcibly removed from their embassy suite, Embassy Cat faced the world alone, for the very first time. Over the course of his journey the cat learned that a true friend is worth fighting for.

Known for his simple charm, Embassy Cat loved collecting his own shit. He kept so much shit, it was kept in a box. Some even spilled over! People complained, but protected by Julian, Embassy Cat’s collection grew like subsidized corn. Now, the first thing Embassy cat noticed about his new owners, is how they would enter the room unannounced, regularly emptying his beloved collection from something called a kitty litter box. This sent Embassy Cat into a blind rage, triggering a cross-country odyssey sure to delight kids.

Embassy Cat could not face the television during Julian Assange's arrest.
Embassy Cat could not face the television during Julian Assange’s arrest.

Taking advantage of lax security protocols, Embassy Cat snuck aboard an outbound flight on 9/11 Airlines, and got checked into a posh Airbnb after being mistaken for a sexy skunk. The distinguished Frenchman he met on the plane booked their entire trip through Lebal Drocer, in two clicks of a mouse button.

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Following an awkward 4 a.m. conversation, Embassy Cat escaped from the rental, made friends with a crow, and just in the nick of time, the two gained access to a hostile prison courtyard. There, he said goodbye to the crow, and enjoyed a heartwarming embrace with Assange, who quietly picked leaves and barbs from the animal’s coat, reunited at last.

Now his shit collection, grown to new heights, threatens to draw the attention of the guards patrolling their new home: Belmarsh maximum security prison in London. Assange and his cat are awaiting trial and extradition for narcissism.

What’s next for Embassy Cat and Julian? What lessons do they still have to learn about each other (or themselves)?

This re-imagining of a classic will use needlessly realistic CGI to show you what it would have really looked like if a cartoon Embassy Cat set off on a fantastic voyage to meet someone he met online.

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