Michio Kaku: “Aliens have infiltrated our internet”

“Aliens have already begun psyops and largescale infiltration of the internet to turn humanity against itself so that a small scale invasion across interstellar distances will be possible.”

INTERNET — Theoretical Physicist Dr. Michio Kaku told reporters Sunday that he thinks an advanced alien species may have infiltrated the earth’s internet to sow discord and soften up humanity for a potential invasion.

Dr. Kaku, speaking at an event held by former Blink 182 musician Tom Delonge told reporters, “The only truly credible reports of UFOs have followed a very troubling pattern. Always they are tracking our fighter jets or interfering with nuclear weapons systems — and these stories show a coherent and disturbing pattern that is very consistent from person to person and from nation to nation.”

Tom Delonge slouched and his eyes teared up as he gripped his mic, trying to settle the conference room. “We’ll take your questions later. And no, this isn’t a joke — not a prank.”

Dr. Kaku continued, “Thank you Tom. Imagine, for a moment, if a group of chimpanzees suddenly learned to make stone-tipped spears or started crafting bows and arrows. This might not be a major threat to our civilization, but it certainly would draw our attention, especially the attention of people who live nearby. Even worse, imagine if they discovered fire.”

Delonge waved his hand dismissively at the cries from the conference room, “In the end, I know we’d kill them. Chimps setting fires all over the place would just be too dangerous. Whatever scientists think, the people living in the area would not be very tolerant for very long, and look: We’re the chimps with nukes — it’s a situation that no advanced species in our vicinity can tolerate.”

Judging by the strange, scripted, and fictional feel of events lately I’d say that our goose is likely already cooked.

Dr. Kaku looked stern and spoke with incredible clarity, “When humanity deployed its first nuclear weapons, this must have instantly drawn the attention of anyone in our galactic neighborhood. The gamma burst would create an unmistakable signature that would be easily detected at a great distance. These accounts of nuclear weapons being disabled by strange lights in the sky are credible evidence of an advanced species displaying total military superiority. The strange craft that zip around fighter jets, changing direction and accelerating at unbelievable speed, even apparently surviving blasts from machine guns, this is the aliens making their presence known, as I predicted earlier this year.”

Tom Delonge, ashen and emotionless, announced, “Our cyberspace is totally defenseless against such an advanced threat. There is no encryption that can keep them out, no fake news filters that can stop their influence, and no sense in resisting. It’s already too late. Look around you. Everyone is at everyone else’s throats and we’re on the brink of a third world war. How can we resist psyops from such an advanced threat?”

Dr. Kaku shook his head, “It doesn’t look good. But I have been looking long and hard at the encounter between Europeans and the civilizations in the Americas. In that case, there wasn’t a very large technological gap, at least compared with what we’re facing now. But on the optimistic side, the technological advantage, in itself, wasn’t the determining factor. Rather, the Spanish were able to play groups against each other and take advantage of a civilization that was in disarray, turning factions against one another. It was just so expensive and time consuming to move resources and men across the ocean, and a major invasion was just not possible. But by turning factions against each other, a very small group of about five hundred men were able to take over a civilization of millions. I believe any spacefaring conquerors will almost surely follow this pattern. So it is a major challenge for humanity to suddenly transform itself into a Level I civilization, to settle our differences peacefully. Judging by the strange, scripted, and fictional feel of events lately I’d say that our goose is likely already cooked. But if we wise up suddenly, there is a very good chance we can resist them. They may be very advanced, but we have the home field advantage. We don’t need to move our weaponry across interstellar space.”

“There are so many other scenarios we’ve worked out with the Pentagon,” Delonge said. “For instance, there are, likely as not, several competitors for power over Earth, each of them using one nation or another as a proxy. Think of it, if an alien species asked to ally with your nation and said it could disable the nukes of a much bigger country that was threatening you, putting sanctions on you, and making your life miserable, you’d probably make that deal. It’s obvious. And this is why a lot of people at the Pentagon don’t want to talk about it. They don’t want to be seen as puppets of a more advanced species.”

Dr. Troubadour’s Tips for a safe, healthy 9/11 Remembrance

Sup dudes! After this year’s underwhelming 9/11 memorial (Presidents crying in a field), the kind men in charge of Internet Chronicle asked me to write this short, easy-to-understand 9/11 remembrance for dummies. Spice up your next 9/11 with a television-based diamond-encrusted, double platinum freakout, using my simple tips. Forged in a furnace of Internet Memes, the next 9/11 memorial will be even more Never Forgetty than the last.

[Editor’s Note – shop talk edition: The entertainment braintrust at Lebal Drocer reflected and realized: We simply  don’t take enough time here at the Chronicle to remember 9/11, which makes us hypocrites after swearing we’d Never Forget. This is strictly unforgivable.]

Today we are Anonymous: We do not forget. We do not forgive.

9/11 — Never Forgive

promo

In the course of remembrance, you might experience mystic events. This feeling of intense nationalism produces a sudden euphoria. This is not normal. This means you are a chosen patriot made up of pure, impulses. Take the world from darkness into light with Dr. Troubadour’s tips for a healthy 9/11 memorial.

walking through body scanners doses you with gene altering radiation and fights terror! Freedom isn’t free. We once nuked the land of our enemies. Now we irradiate our own people with machines.

Tip 1

dr troubadourDr. T says

If you want to wage a war on terror, you’ll have to fight a few battles with cancer.

Tip 2

Act like you don’t know what 9/11 is. This will endear you to your fellow citizens. Ask sincerely what 9/11 means. You’ve never heard of it.

Tip 3

Never forget. If you’re a real patriot, like us here at Chronicle, 9/11 is every day. September 11th is every fucking day. I wake up and say a prayer to the victims. And there’s certain stuff I won’t laugh at before 10 a.m. Just because today isn’t 9/11 – it’s not even September – doesn’t mean our hearts don’t go out to the victims of that terrible tragedy. It would be absurd to think otherwise.

Just the thought of it sends me into frenzies wherein I foam at the mouth and curse whatever God cast the dice of our very existence. Maybe I’m taking it too far. That’s just what 9/11 means to me.

This article is part 1 in an October series entitled Why Now? An Internet Chronicle introspective series in which we undermine and discredit sacred things for no purpose at all. Just shitting on you and stuff.

Madness at the Grocery as Hurricane Florence bears down on America

Miley Is Predicted To Devastate Humanity In The Coming Weeks
Miley Is Predicted To Devastate Humanity In The Coming Weeks

INTERNET — Seventeen hurricanes are loading up with hate over Africa, tearing a swath of destruction towards the Atlantic and the east coast of America. Grocery stores are manic with energy as Florence bears down but shelves are empty and customers are suffering from a mass outbreak of psychotic episodes.

“Why don’t they nuke the goddamn hurricane?” A man in a loud Hawaiian shirt shouted at a pile of emergency rations. “And why is this goddamn cart’s wheel stuck! God Dammit!” He threw the cart on the ground and told the nearby manager, “Look at this piece of shit store you’re running here. Goddamn cart wheel’s broken.”

Store manager Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador shook his head and said,”Tier One Civilization. It’s the Kardashev scale. We’re at tier zero because we have not tamed the earth’s energies. Well, actually we have, but our pyromaniac engineers have designed a string of seventeen hurricanes that power a spying ‘social media’ bought and paid for by a nascent neofascist political world order.”

“Fuck you! Fuck the store! Fuck everyone!” the man roared, crunching packets of ramen into his pockets and hurling a beer bottle at the concrete floor.

Dr. Troubador looked wistfully at the tall cumulus clouds through the vast windows above the Customer Service department and its dense assortment of tobacco products. “Yes we all know the carbon dioxide is to blame. But has anyone ever considered the effects of turbines, pistons, propellers, and all the billions of little devices spinning off into the air? It seems almost as if these gizmos are designed to stir up hurricanes, if you think about it for long enough.”

The angry man began to pick up the glass. “I’m very sorry about this mess.”

“Say nothing of it!” Dr. Troubador waved his hand and several red-vested customer service experts swept and mopped the mess and uprighted the man’s cart in a onslaught similar to a SWAT team.

He blinked, staring off at the clouds, dazed by the flurry of action.

“We’re getting several cases like you each hour. But I wonder now, what would a 50 megaton thermonuclear device do if it was detonated in the center of a hurricane?” Scratching at his iconic notepad and doing quick calculations on a scientific calculator app, Troubador raised an eyebrow. “My God look at this man! The incredible heat vaporizing all that water and the concussion waves – not to mention the X-Ray ablation. Add it all up and you’d have a hurricane that would stretch from Brazil to Quebec! Jesus Christ, let’s hope they don’t drop a nuke on it.”

Angstrom H. Troubador’s new self-help health book for “bros,” Healthy as Fuck, is in stores now!

Already forgetting his psychotic break, the man in the Hawaiian shirt walked off muttering “god damn” at price tags, pieces of ramen falling all over the place.

Dr. Troubador cruised his Segway towards the loud yelps and howls from the produce department, thinking about what a neutron bomb salted with cobalt would do when popped off at the center of a hurricane.

“I wish you had some real vegetables,” the dreadlocked woman hissed at Dr. Troubador. “All this fake monsanto shit tastes like shit and is made of glyphosate chemtrails!”

“Ma’am vegetables are shit. Shit and sunshine. You won’t find any more natural vegetables than these here. Except over there in the organic section, if you can afford it.”

The dreadlocked woman smashed the squash open and ate with her eyes wide, pieces falling out. “Look at me, I’m healthy. I’m a healthy healthy healthy health.”

Dr. Troubador blanched at this vulgarity, but regained his composure almost immediately. “Our individual, narrow idea of what mother nature’s essence is will only further complicate the matter. It’s true, Monsanto has made some small improvements to crop yields and patented what amounts to a small modification of millennia of human ingenuity. It’s a real racket and I hope they lock the bastards up.”

She stripped off her squash tainted clothes and screeched, “Gaia! Mother Gaia! I am free!”

“There’s no helping you, I can see now. Whatever you do, don’t go into farming. It’ll only take you farther from nature. I recommend you join up with the Femen movement immediately.”

“Thank you Doctor Troubador. That’s exactly what I’ll do. I thought the squash was actually okay, even mediocre.”

Troubador waved off the red vests and helped her clean up the terrible mess with the shirt off his back. “That’s the secret of our success. Outstanding mediocrity. But don’t tell anyone I told you.”