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“Gun Girl” Kaitlin Bennett dead from alcohol poisoning

INTERNET — Fans mourn the death of “Gun Girl” Kaitlin Bennet Marieox, who passed away at the age of 24. Akron Ohio’s Coroner ruled the death an accidental alcohol poisoning. “Gun Girl” famously posed at the scene of the tragic massacre at Kent State University, wielding her Assault Rifle in an implicit threat to any who would challenge her glamorous liberty.

“She’s a heavy drinker,” said husband Joel Marieox, who found her deceased Saturday afternoon, following a long night of partying. “I never thought it could come to this. She was just so young and full of life.”

Fans and haters have have taken to social media, discussing details of her death. “I saw all those pictures where she passed out drunk and soiled herself, so I’m not surprised,” said one comment on twitter. “She’s really annoying. Like she just got up in people’s faces and tried to bother them. I’m not even a liberal and I still hate her.”

However, some supporters are disputing her ignominious death. “This didn’t happen by accident as the fake news media claims. She was so dangerous that the Antifa Dems took her out, shamed her like this,” tweeted PatriotForGod. “She stood up for our gun rights and you know what? They got to her. I’m sure of it.”

Akron police spokesperson Gerald McCarthy announced the department was conducting a routine investigatiion, but at the moment there are no signs of foul play.

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador: “Elon Musk’s Mars Colony is a Hoax.” Future of Space is inside terraformed asteroid!

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador gave a lecture at the Kootenai Casino, telling visitors Elon Musk was jumping into a rat trap with his plans for Mars. “The electric car is a great idea, but Mars? Mars is a shit hole. No one wants to go to a barren desert because there’s a little moist salt to lick up. It’s too big to terraform, and it’s just another costly gravity well that will impede logistics. It’s just like another desert on earth. What’s the point? There’s nothing on Mars that can’t be taken from Earth. There is only a scientific interest in travel to Mars, at least during our lifetime. Now, I say go for it. But that’s not a business thing, it’s no good for Elon Musk. That’s for NASA.”

“But we have other plans, big plans. Big Boy Space Plans. That’s why we’re calling our business Checkmate, Universe Inc. Tomorrow we will launch our first Vaporator and begin the process of settling space. Computer controlled digging robots, only an inch in diameter, will bore into a suitably shielded asteroid leaving behind a shapely network of structural weaknesses. A nuclear reactor installed on the surface lander will vaporize asteroid elements into specially designed pressure chambers deep within the asteroid. With portions of the tunnel now blown out, the Vaporator will fill the palatial interior chambers of the asteroid with an earth-like mixture of air just before the first settlers arrive with their Noah’s Ark of plant and animal life. Then, over the next decade, as the asteroid begins to slowly rotate under the Vaporator’s endless, well-aimed stream of gas, our settlers will feel the artificial gravity set in. And ironically, it will all be thanks to Elon Musk’s rocket we bought. Stealing the prize right out from under his nose.”

“This asteroid has been selected for its heavy metal content, and great care has been taken to seal and clean the living environment. It’s safe inside a lead ore deposit, and quite close to the great mass of uranium that some say could sustain the asteroid for a billion years. Like a cynical Asimov Foundation, this massive claim of Uranium will, in the not too distant future, hand asteroid people the solar system. They will supply Earth and Mars both with processed nuclear fuel at such a margin that production on earth will become limited to the costly manufacture of weapons. As a de facto nuclear superpower lacking a significant gravity well, the military advantages of the asteroid dwellers will be extreme.”

“In many ways, life among the asteroids will be far superior. An enclosed, controlled environment with a careful balance to life lacking many of the disasters that earth-dwellers take as a given. No earthquakes, volcanoes, hailstorms, or infectious plagues. Asteroid dwellers and earthlings will diverge as a culture, and finally as a species. So, to invest now in Checkmate, Universe and gain a seat on a ship to the future kingdom of heaven please send all the bitcoins you have to 18zJouAQAMzX5sJygZ4M2QV7yb8FzxSbdq.”

Sean Hannity announces he is suffering from advanced brain cancer

“I’m really, really sick. Probably sicker than Rush.”

INTERNET — Just days after conservative talk radio host Rush Limbaugh announced his advanced lung cancer, fellow conservative pundit Sean Hannity announced he also has been suffering from a cancerous growth in his brain.

President Trump reportedly said, off-mic, “Sure, just line them all up, maybe have a parade. I got cancer medals for everyone now. Anyone else in here sick?”

Ann Coulter also jumped in with her own cancer announcement, telling listeners that she recently had surgery to remove a breast tumor. However, she has often disagreed with the president, slamming his plans for emergency funding of a border wall.

As usual, advisors tried to reign in Trump’s bizarre plans for a “cancer awards” parade. In one of the typical leaks to the press, an advisor said, “Not only is it a horrible break with tradition, but we believe it will make conservatives look sick and old.”

Trump has yet to back down from his cancer award parade idea, “Can we have tanks? I want tanks and missiles if you can get them.”