Man given clean bill of health after searching symptoms online

Like a rabbit feverishly scampering about, degenerate Jeremy Fisher ran his every sensation through a search engine one night, after smoking too much pot and confronting his own mortality.

The 34-year-old man replaced doctors with websites in 2007, after aging out of his parents’ healthcare and being generally too unlikable for full-time employment which would have afforded him something like insurance. After switching exclusively to Dr. Angstrom Troubadour’s symptom checker, however, Jeremy’s general condition, and overall well-being, improved tenfold, for FREE!

Jeremy Fisher’s face is locked into a permanent, rigid stare after an “epic” symptom search eased his concerns.

“I feel so much better now.”

 

Dr. Troubadour's Symptom Checker will nurture your Internet dependency.
Dr. Troubadour’s Symptom Checker will nurture your Internet dependency.

A series of google searches confirmed his suspicions: That chest sensation was nothing to worry about, and he should really just relax.

“I was up all night, pacing the floor, worrying about it. What is it? Am I gonna die? Is this what dying feels like?”

— Jeremy Fisher, flatliner

That’s when Jeremy remembered he had the entire wealth of mankind’s knowledge at his fingertips, on the internet, which is connected to his home masturbation and pleasure station.

“I googled that shit fast, hard, and repeatedly,” Jeremy recanted. “Advertisements criss-crossed my screen, sliding over the content I desperately needed. I x’ed them out methodically. Medical information is worth mining for. I got my confidential results in just minutes.”

Finally, Jeremy broke through a wall of warnings, until he reached a screen stating that he could have heart failure as a result of complications from heart cancer, unless he closed that window, too.

“That’s the beauty of the product,” Troubadour mansplained. “See how Jeremy got involved in his own caregiving? This product interactively helps people neglect their health, improving wellness.”

Troubadour said by closing the final pop-up window, Jeremy was rewarded with sweet medical truths the likes of which many will never know ~

What lies in wait beyond the very last advertisement?

Dr. Troubadour’s Super Double Symptom Checker

“Hey! It’s Jeremy again. Remember me? I’m the only other source in the story. So anyway, I’m a fucking retard who believes what he reads online. Dr. Troubadour’s medicine software assured me I am only being paranoid and it is indeed the act of searching symptoms which causes the symptom. Wonder what that means??”

As for getting a job, and finding insurance? Fat chance, Jeremy says. He’s just downright unlikable. Doctors say there ain’t nobody can get along with a man like that.

“I just kind of act like a cock towards everybody I meet,” Jeremy says. “I’ll commit to the right job when it matches my skillset – which may be nothing – but at least I’m not jockeying for position downtown in some hellish rat-race I don’t believe in. You guys at Internet Chronicle probably think you’re hot shit because you’re reporters, huh? I see right through you cunts. Your stories are OBVIOUS fakes.”

[Editor’s note: That is not true.]

The Internet Chronicle is brought to you GRACIOUSLY by Lebal Drocer, Inc.

We own everything that matters.

New Investigation Reveals President Trump is “Sex Slave to Russian and Chinese Billionaires”

WARNING: EXPLICIT CONTENT NOT SUITABLE FOR MINORS

INTERNET — New allegations from Christopher Steele reveal Donald Trump has been a victim of human trafficking and sex slavery for over three decades.

This shocking, exclusive story came to light only after Internet Chronicle reporters investigated Ms. Yang’s Rubdown Palace at Mar-A-Lago and found records that Chinese executives were not only paying for “access” to Trump through her organization, but that this access most likely meant her clients purchased million dollar “golden shower” sessions, urinating on the president over 30 times during the first year of his presidency alone.

Steele’s investigations revealed that the roots of President Trump’s humiliating sex slavery go back decades to some of his earliest business troubles. After suffering multiple bankruptcies and defaulting on a series of loans from Russian mobsters in the mid 90’s, Trump became known as the Russian’s “pisspig,” traveling to Moscow “hundreds” of times to fulfill the sick, sadistic desires of the kleptocracy. Since then, Trump has been passed around between numerous high profile pimps until ending up at Cindy Yang’s Rubdown Palace at Mar-A-Lago.

“They’ll never reveal a video, and it’s not accurate to simply call this kompromat. It’s much more than that, and Trump is bound up into it. Any revelations could spoil their whole operation and cut them off from their kink of pissing on a powerful American. These Russian and Chinese billionaires spent so much money buying misleading internet advertisements just to make Trump president so that pissing on him would be more enjoyable,” said Steele in an exclusive interview with Internet Chronicle. “They probably want him to be president forever.”

Reigning in sex trafficking across the border was one of Trump’s biggest campaign promises, but his failure to build the wall has upset many Republicans. Tuesday, outspoken pundit Ann Coulter appeared on Fox and Friends to make the case that Trump doesn’t really want to end sex slavery. “Maybe he’s got Stockholm Syndrome. Probably he’s linked in with the sex trafficking stuff for decades now and has to keep it thriving, or maybe Miss Yang will punish him.”

Trump has told reporters he “doesn’t know” Cindy Yang, after appearing in a selfie with her at her Rubdown Palace at Mar-A-Lago’s Superbowl party.

#QArmy detectives have begun to unlock the President’s coded messages, re-interpreting many of his intentional misspellings and common phrases to better understand his status as a sex slave. Q himself offered up this tantalizing crumb, setting off a chain reaction of raised consciousness: “[P]resi(dent)ial harassment, steal gol(f)den,” to many a confirmation of the startling allegations and a rationalization for many of Trump’s failures as president.

Rust Youtuber ‘Vice’ BANNED for Impersonation of Vice Media

Rust Youtuber Vice threatens to “wring [Vice] cunts by the fucking neck”

INTERNET — Rust YouTuber ‘Vice’ was banned from YouTube Friday morning after the grim specter of trademark infringement brought angry briefcase-toting lawyers down on his channel like a ten man AK zerg blasting into a wooden 2×2.

This February, Vice shot to a new level of fame after getting himself and his clan banned from Rust’s US East 2 server and deftly playing the victim card. This move was incredibly popular among disgruntled Rust players, drawing tens of thousands of hate-filled viewers to his channel, including the lawyers at Vice Media and the renowned satirists at the Internet Chronicle.

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, expert Trademark Attorney, said, “Well, there’s nothing he can do about it. Even if YouTube lets him keep the account and change his name, that lands them in a murky legal situation where they might be liable for damages from the incumbent Trademark infringement that is now baked into Vice’s brand. Everything’s just fine as long as Vice wasn’t making money, but once the cash starts rolling the lawyers get typing angry complaints.”

Vice’s Community Discord channel has been simmering with classic ressentiment after the mass server bans in February, and now after losing his YouTube channel the mood has pitched into a boil over.

Sosig.exe, moderator at the official Facepunch discord, has apparently never heard of Vice Media’s “Proud Boy” founder, Gavin McInnes

With natural rage and powerlessness already coursing through the community of exploit base builders, their self-destructive flailing has set in, leading to some of the most cringey moments in all of the Rust community’s history.

Some supporters, including a moderator of Facepunch’s official discord chimed in, blaming the so-called ‘libtard fake media’ for basic Trademark considerations from YouTube. Others have cast wild blame at Facepunch employees for committing ‘admin abuse’, even garnering a ‘like’ from Vice himself for personally attacking Errn.

Vice himself personally attacked the staff at the Internet Chronicle, depicting the oft-quoted writer Kilgoar as some kind of a retard who ’caused tons of trouble’ on the Rustography discord which banned many of the most enthusiastic and active map makers in Rust, often for nothing more than discussing technical details of map-making or sharing links to custom map servers.

Vice ‘likes’ it when his fans accuse Facepunch employees of admin abuse.

In related news, the Rust Community is suffering a menagerie of growing pains as the game reaches new heights. Buck Sexington, in-house community blogger, has apparently parted ways with Facepunch after several months of only sporadic posting, leaving core enthusiasts high and dry for the juiciest new content.