Cory Lewandowski Died after setting himself on fire, Tuesday

Three years of hate and hype boiled over on Capitol Hill Tuesday as impeachment proceedings against President Donald Trump were unveiled to a desensitized herd of faithless swine. Naruto-running creeps circled the Washington Monument, and Jamie Jo Corne, racist leader of the Anonymous hacker collective appeared many years late with three hundred head of cattle and Articles of Separation written out in shaky calligraphy on fine vellum. “We, The People of the Confederate States of America, Proudly Declare Donald Trump King of all White Patriots.”

Meanwhile, inside the miserable impeachment hearings the pitiful repetitive squeals of Republican Representatives inspired no sympathy or rage. In an act of epic impotence Lobbyist Scumsucker Cory Lewandowski died after setting himself on fire just outside the Capitol building, reportedly shouting at police and extending a stiff arm towards the White House, “Heil Trump! Heil Trump!” As his charred flesh peeled away, eyewitnesses claimed they saw a glistening metallic skeleton and heard his voice screech in a horrific inhuman pitch, degrading towards a single piercing tone, “like a dial-up internet gone wrong.”

Left behind for once in the all-out publicity orgy, President Trump filed a civil suit against the United States Federal Government, seeking ten trillion dollars in damages for so-called Presidential Harassment. The President also messaged all his fans, asking them to consider 36 holes or a vacation at one of his many golf resorts to help offset the costs of being impeached, even floating the idea of converting many of his hotel units into ripoff timeshares. Many President fans emptied their bank accounts and are now hunkered down in an encampment outside Mar-A-Lago. An eyewitness claimed the scene there is “Some mixture of Jonestown and Joe Arpaio’s open-air prison, and nothing to eat but daily shipments of fast food meals. They nearly lynched a man for hate-watching CNN.”

Joe Biden was seen sweating and skulking in the DC Metro, waiting around for a train among the swine, trying to blend in with a trenchcoat and Ray Bans. “The Ukrainians are following me,” he whispered. “They’ve got little pellets with poisons, electrical shock heart attack tasers, God knows what else. If they don’t pull off this hit the Eastern front will fall to Putin. It’s the end of the line for Old Uncle Joe, and I’m just taking my final ride. They’ll scramble my brain with a sonic pulse if I try to hide, and there’s no way out now. The Swine have it.”

Brave cat returns to rightful owner Julian Assange after incredible journey

LONDON–Immediately following an incredible journey of courage, adventure, and friendship, Embassy Cat returned to the arms of his one and only friend, a publisher who seemed down on his luck, and imprisoned like himself.

Embassy Cat was forcibly separated from Assange in Act I by ruthless Ecuadorian gangsters. Disney Films

The cat would often stare back at onlookers for long periods of time. This confused Embassy Cat, because he could not figure out why people were constantly looking in his windows. But he never felt scared, because just on the other side of a curtain was his best friend, Julian Assange. Then, when Assange was arrested and forcibly removed from their embassy suite, Embassy Cat faced the world alone, for the very first time. Over the course of his journey the cat learned that a true friend is worth fighting for.

Known for his simple charm, Embassy Cat loved collecting his own shit. He kept so much shit, it was kept in a box. Some even spilled over! People complained, but protected by Julian, Embassy Cat’s collection grew like subsidized corn. Now, the first thing Embassy cat noticed about his new owners, is how they would enter the room unannounced, regularly emptying his beloved collection from something called a kitty litter box. This sent Embassy Cat into a blind rage, triggering a cross-country odyssey sure to delight kids.

Embassy Cat could not face the television during Julian Assange's arrest.
Embassy Cat could not face the television during Julian Assange’s arrest.

Taking advantage of lax security protocols, Embassy Cat snuck aboard an outbound flight on 9/11 Airlines, and got checked into a posh Airbnb after being mistaken for a sexy skunk. The distinguished Frenchman he met on the plane booked their entire trip through Lebal Drocer, in two clicks of a mouse button.

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Following an awkward 4 a.m. conversation, Embassy Cat escaped from the rental, made friends with a crow, and just in the nick of time, the two gained access to a hostile prison courtyard. There, he said goodbye to the crow, and enjoyed a heartwarming embrace with Assange, who quietly picked leaves and barbs from the animal’s coat, reunited at last.

Now his shit collection, grown to new heights, threatens to draw the attention of the guards patrolling their new home: Belmarsh maximum security prison in London. Assange and his cat are awaiting trial and extradition for narcissism.

What’s next for Embassy Cat and Julian? What lessons do they still have to learn about each other (or themselves)?

This re-imagining of a classic will use needlessly realistic CGI to show you what it would have really looked like if a cartoon Embassy Cat set off on a fantastic voyage to meet someone he met online.

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Anonymous 2.0 announces ‘Digital Guillotines’ will carry out a ‘Total Class War’, and ‘delete billionaires’ FOREVER!

Anonymous 2.0 has, under the leadership of Commander X, developed Artificial Intelligence Digital Guillotines which will ‘behead’ billionaires by simply deleting their assets. Commander X issued a press release that detailed the position of Anonymous 2.0 against many popular trends in activism which have been co-opted by moneyed influencers buying propaganda on the internet.

In defense of an ancient taboo which forbids visits to the supposedly divine realm on top of a barren volcano top, indigenous groups in Hawaii clash with SWAT teams. It has been centuries since the building of the first telescopes and defiance of such taboos disproved simplistic godlike entities either on mountains or in the sky. What twisted version of ‘leftism’ would open Mauna Kea to a backwards nobility along racial and religious lines rather than to the helpful university nerds with only the most sophisticated telescopes?

Commander X explains how he used Artificial Intelligence to program the Digital Guillotines

In a writing session for Star Trek, a black man recounts the racial slurs that were used against him, after which he receives a polite call from HR informing him that the use of the N-word is not permitted. Using politeness to silence those who would speak truth to power is a classic right-wing control freak angle, and I may even be caught feigning surprise at this slipping into a writing room for what was once the gold standard for the highest acceptable levels of ‘leftism’ on television.

Water protectors stand up for the universal solvent and against the titanic earth-shattering fossil fuel industry, hosed down by the life-giving liquid in the dead of winter, and yet still standing proud, ranks fortified by the Siberian polymer astroturf. In the final defense of this last sick strip of desert, after all else is stolen by the white man, the former ways of life are gone but not forgotten. Ancient people once slashed and burned whole forests, dressed in megafauna furs like anyone else, smoking those giant haunches on nightly piles of fresh wood, wood which releases more carbon than coal, than oil, than natural gas. Turn back the clock, dismantle capitalism, the ‘leftists’ argue, and we can all die breathing natural wood smoke and scratching into the dirt with our bare hands.

Nature is the basis of Capitalist dogma and it is a small trick to turn an impassioned leftist into a mad stooge for some business interest or another. The internet, which was supposed to give humanity a global village and inspire understanding or democracy has instead provided propagandists with cheap and easy access to mind-control millions. Fake news, fake people, fake movements, fake outrages. Go to burger king and pay an extra dollar to enjoy the fake meat that tastes more of beef than the authentic grey mystery beef. Get on twitter and tune into the fake extreme communists who speak endlessly of their Capitalist rights to race dignity, sex dignity, and all the other bulwarks that must be perpetually renewed to protect the very rich from the death touch of socialism.

Let this be the stark departure from the politics of celebrity slurs, impolite moments, criticism of trivial bits of culture, and all the other fake radical left politics that obsesses itself with anything but total class war. That is why Anonymous 2.0 is now deploying its Digital Guillotines!