There is no such thing as privacy on the Internet. Everything you do is monitored, recorded, shared and sold, no matter who you are or what you do.

We make no promises that your personally identifying data won’t be sold to advertisers or confiscated illegally by secret court order. In fact, it is the only way we can continue to operate. It is the only way any company operates on the internet. We offer you absolutely no false promises of privacy, and if you’re reading policies like these in order to feel better like your data is being protected, then you’re a moron who trusts websites.

Your browsing history used to be monitored automatically by an overlapping, interlocking system of algorithms and botnets. Now it is also collected and sold by Internet Service Providers, an illegal practice that will soon become law.

It is entirely likely that your interest in the fucking habits of bonobo monkeys could someday be used against you, so if you came to the Internet Chronicle, and you’re reading this now, you can forget about ever running for public office. But through the magic of the Internet, feature length documentaries about monkey sex may soon become available to you on DVD. You might even learn about it here. That’s what cookies do. And you’ve got cookies all up in your shit. We know what you search for. We know what you want. Companies buy and sell that information to each other, and senior executives roll around in it like catnip.

We also know this has turned the internet into a living hell that you can never crawl out of without years of training in cryptography. That’s okay, because one day it will all pay off and the Internet’s collective mind will persecute the dirty, weak, and huddled masses, cleansing humanity of all such defects. God Bless.

This, and other freedoms are protected by various means which may or may not include the subversion and/or dissolution of the United States Constitution. As a poweruser – which many Internet Chronicle users are – you might already be familiar with the National Security Agency, a government body dedicated to defending freedom, protecting liberty, preserving the American way of life, and our precious bodily fluids.

Innovative, public-private partnerships with tech giants enables the NSA to obtain a breathtaking volume of intelligence from the data stored in the cookies mentioned earlier: the ones which track dirty, hungry, weak huddled masses. Privacy? Well, it’s mostly Policy here. Enjoy your stay at Internet Chronicle. At least we don’t lie to you about it.

While the work of the NSA and the United States Government is as impressive as it is draconian (and honestly, not the sole intention of our advertisers), we felt a true privacy policy would not be complete without providing a full list of nations (in no particular order) who purchases – and uses against you – the same spyware-malware suite as the world-famous NSA.

The following governments purchased a combination of 97 available surveillance technologies from 338 companies that develop and market these technologies to 36 governments around the world (and counting!):

  • China
  • India
  • Pakistan
  • Sweden
  • Switzerland
  • Greece
  • Italy
  • Turkey
  • Indonesia
  • Thailand
  • Nepal
  • Hong Kong
  • Philippines
  • Bangladesh
  • Austria
  • Latvia
  • Lithuania
  • United Kingdom
  • Luxembourg
  • Ireland
  • Netherlands
  • Germany
  • Norway
  • Slovakia
  • Belgium
  • Poland
  • Spain
  • Bulgaria
  • Portugal
  • France
  • Czech Republic
  • Romania
  • Croatia
  • Estonia
  • Cyprus
  • Slovenia
  • Finland
  • Colombia
  • South Africa
  • Mongolia
  • South Korea
  • New Zealand
  • Sri Lanka
  • Brazil
  • Uganda
  • Australia
  • Armenia
  • Uruguay
  • Costa Rica
  • Bolivia
  • Russia
  • Venezuela
  • Chile
  • Canada
  • Taiwan
  • Israel
  • Ecuador
  • Ukraine
  • Guatemala
  • Georgia
  • United Arab Emirates
  • Jordan
  • Mexico
  • Dominican Republic
  • Japan
  • Paraguay
  • El Salvador
  • Peru
  • Zimbabwe
  • Iraq
  • San Marino
  • Singapore
  • Nigeria

…and many more! Nations will continue to enhance the status quo by purchasing varying combinations of privacy-abolishing software to better understand you, the consumer, the citizen, the subject, and the terrorist sympathizer.