Privacy

This was a real Captcha, sent in by a reader. The Completely Automated Public Turing Test To Tell Computers and Humans Apart has gained a consciousness of its own, and is warning us.

There is no such thing as privacy on the Internet. Everything you do is monitored, recorded, shared and sold, no matter who you are or what you do. Thanks, Facebook!

We make no promises that your personally identifying data won’t be sold to advertisers or confiscated illegally by secret court order. In fact, agreements with spyware scoundrels are the primary means by which Internet Chronicle continues to operate. Passing along tracking cookie spyware is the leading modus operandi of many Internet publishers. The Internet Chronicle is no different. We offer you absolutely no false promises of privacy, and if you read documents like privacy policies, and terms and conditions like these to feel better like your data is being protected, then you’re a moron who trusts websites. But you can trust us when we tell you your data is being harvested and sold, and you don’t even get a cut.

Your browsing history used to be monitored automatically by an overlapping, interlocking system of algorithms and botnets. That’s still true! Except now it is also collected and sold by Internet Service Providers, an illegal practice that was written into law way back in 2017.

Through Lebal Drocer, Inc’s innovative, modern advances in tracking analysis, your interests in bestiality (you thought nobody knew about that!) could someday be used against you. We truly live in the future!

So if you’re reading the Internet Chronicle right now – and let’s just assume that you are – you can forget about ever running for public office, because we’ve got you now, and we’ve got YOUR pee-pee tapes, too! With a wave of our Internet magic wand, you are now subscribed to Pee Facts, an exciting SMS subscription that brings the magic of pee-pee directly to your smartphone or tablet. MM-mm-mmm! Them’s good cookies. We supply them for a fee, you don’t get any money, but you do got cookies all up in your shit. You’re welcome. We know what you search for. We know what you want. Companies buy and sell that information to each other, and senior executives roll around in it like catnip. We hope you enjoyed the free website.

We also know this has turned the internet into a living hell that you can never crawl out of without years of training in cryptography. That’s okay, because one day it will all pay off and the Internet’s collective mind will persecute the dirty, weak, and huddled masses, cleansing humanity of all such defects. God Bless.

This, and other freedoms are protected by various means which may or may not include the subversion and/or dissolution of the United States Constitution. As a poweruser – which many Internet Chronicle users are – you might already be familiar with the National Security Agency, a government body dedicated to defending freedom, protecting liberty, preserving the American way of life, and our precious bodily fluids.

Innovative, public-private partnerships with tech giants enables the NSA to obtain a breathtaking volume of intelligence from the data stored in the cookies mentioned earlier: the ones which track dirty, hungry, weak huddled masses. Privacy? Well, it’s mostly Policy here. Enjoy your stay at Internet Chronicle. At least we don’t lie to you about it.

While the work of the NSA and the United States Government is as impressive as it is draconian (and honestly, not the sole intention of our advertisers), we felt a true privacy policy would not be complete without providing a full list of nations (in no particular order) who purchases – and uses against you – the same spyware-malware suite as the world-famous NSA.

The following governments purchased a combination of 100+ available surveillance technologies from more than 400 companies that develop and market these technologies to dozens of governments around the world (and counting!):

  • China
  • India
  • Pakistan
  • Sweden
  • Switzerland
  • Greece
  • Italy
  • Turkey
  • Indonesia
  • Thailand
  • Nepal
  • Hong Kong
  • Philippines
  • Bangladesh
  • Austria
  • Latvia
  • Lithuania
  • United Kingdom
  • Luxembourg
  • Ireland
  • Netherlands
  • Germany
  • Norway
  • Slovakia
  • Belgium
  • Poland
  • Spain
  • Bulgaria
  • Portugal
  • France
  • Czech Republic
  • Romania
  • Croatia
  • Estonia
  • Cyprus
  • Slovenia
  • Finland
  • Colombia
  • South Africa
  • Mongolia
  • South Korea
  • New Zealand
  • Sri Lanka
  • Brazil
  • Uganda
  • Australia
  • Armenia
  • Uruguay
  • Costa Rica
  • Bolivia
  • Russia
  • Venezuela
  • Chile
  • Canada
  • Taiwan
  • Israel
  • Ecuador
  • Ukraine
  • Guatemala
  • Georgia
  • United Arab Emirates
  • Jordan
  • Mexico
  • Dominican Republic
  • Japan
  • Paraguay
  • El Salvador
  • Peru
  • Zimbabwe
  • Iraq
  • San Marino
  • Singapore
  • Nigeria

…and many more! Nations will continue to enhance the status quo by purchasing varying combinations of privacy-abolishing software to better understand you, the consumer, the citizen, the new Amazon Prime Subscriber who forgot to cancel the free trial after 29 days.