MOSCOW, Russia – Yet more evidence of an inescapable worldwide menace of Gestapo-like Nazi surveillance undertaken by every major corporation and government was brought forth Thursday, shortly after Edward Snowden was granted asylum in Russia.
In a closed conference, Snowden stated, “The Global CryptoParty has been using encrypted communications, made possible by the Internet, to arrange for a new order under United Nations law. All Internet communications companies and national programs are to be collectivized immediately under Agenda 21 to ensure an environment free of Great Walls and all-seeing eyes. This order has been secretly notarized by Ban Ki-moon and has already passed into law. The Internet will be blacked out by cooperating CryptoParty factions across the globe until the shameful apparatuses responsible for controlling the Internet have been removed and all available infrastructure is under U.N. service. Similar programs are to be implemented for education and insurance industries, and we will ultimately develop a military strategy designed to defend against extraterrestrial invasion.”
Sources claim Snowden was arrested and detained along with his WikiLeaks entourage. Public figures and the mainstream media have been slow to react, preferring to ignore this story entirely in hopes that the CryptoParty will not be able to follow through with their fantastic and unbelievable threats. U.N. representatives refused to comment on the incident.