EATS WTF EVER

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Thursday– Shoenice, who released a new video every hour and updated his Facebook wall an average of twenty two times per hour, has just eaten one entire can of Crisco, two tablespoons of BBs from a gun, and a whole bottle of cinnamon. After crusading for Facebook followers, YouTube subscribers, and even Skype friends, Shoenice proceeded to play peekaboo to an audience of three hundred people who have only just met him and not yet realized he is the human trashcan that eats everything.

Shoenice is a nice man on a nice mission to save his nice children from poverty by becoming rich and famous on youtube, and since you read it here, that means it is working out alright. Except that his body has become a steady pipeline of hate.

SHOENICE22 is willing to eat almost anything, and makes a point of eating everything as quickly as possible. He does not seem to fear cancer-causing agents, and will eat anything short of heart-stopping medicine. Shoenice never blinks, because he once put super glue in his eyes and that is how real men cope with divorce. He is constantly rerencing the riches his fame is about to bring him. As of this exact moment, his videos top quadrillions of views, surpassing all other YouTube videos in number of hits. The Chronicle anticipates the trials of Shoenice will soon be picked up by network television and sponsored by US war machine manufacturer Lockheed Martin.

“Hell yeah, I’d watch that shit. It would be like Fear Factor without the fear.”

Viewer

While facts demonstrate Shoenice is the greatest thing TV never built, detractors claim he “suffers” from an “extreme” case of Pica, exacerbated by the attention he gets on the internet. Shoenice, however, claimed he does not suffer from Pica and iterated Pica is not something he can eat and therefore does not exist, except only in theory. Shoenice bills himself as a comedian, filling his videos with wisecracks but at the same time sprinkling in clever allusions to his personal problems such as his recent divorce.

“He has a great personality. And a divorce.”

-Concerned Viewer

“HERE COMES SHOENICE TO EAT YO MOFO SCREEN BITCHES. AND HE’S THERE. IT IS AWESOME. WHENEVER I CLICK HTTP://YOUTUBE.COM/USER/SHOENICE22 I GET THE EYES FULL OF JOY AND A RAGING KILLER BONER.”

-Stoned Viewer

Shoenice has been in the comedy eating game for a long time. In one video, he recalled eating many Tampons as a young boy and later during high school. “It opened up in my throat like an umbrella, and when my mom was yanking on that string with my head between her legs, she knew she gave birth to something special.”

SHOENICE WILL YOU PLEASE EAT A VIDEO OF YOURSELF EATING A VIDEO OF YOURSELF PLEASE? I DONT KNOW HOW YOU WOULD DO THAT BUT YOU ARE CREATIVE AND CAN SURELY THINK OF SOMETHING.

-Desperate Viewer

After reviewing tapes of the acts, Chronicle Legal Aide and Psychoanalytic Analyst Jeff Shepard concluded Shoenice is not a danger to himself or society, but added “Shoenice is quite charming in a disturbing way, causing viewers laugh their ass off while being completely and utterly nauseated beyond belief. Strangely, Shoenice appears to almost always wear the exact same shirt and baseball cap, covering the shame of his bald head while highlighting his beautiful, nonfunctioning eyes.”

Shoenice loves drugs, which is nice. We would do any amount of cocaine with this man and most of us don’t even like cocaine. Meanwhile he could enlighten us to the consequences of giving oral sex to an underage girl with a yeast infection.

Works Cited