INTERNET — Google insiders have leaked that the fundamental Algorithm, which guides all of their services, is going to be completely replaced with a new, hyper-efficient version called New Google. No longer will users be burdened with typing the first letter of their search terms, New Google will extrapolate searches based on past patterns.
New Google, as it has been dubbed, was so powerful some beta users suffered seizures after being instantly satiated and then flooded with a stream of information which was “far too rich and rapid,” according to New Google engineer Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador. “But we toned down the information depth, cut back the pace. It’s much safer now.”
One beta tester reportedly fell into a celebrity death-hoax loop which ended in New Google feeding the subject a stream of nothing but articles from the Internet Chronicle. He left the computer shaking uncontrollably, but these adverse psychological symptoms were treated successfully with valium. The algorithm has since been altered, but Dr. Troubador warned that New Google should only be used with great care. “The tools of the gods are now in the hands of mere apes, or perhaps more accurately the apes have found new gods which are more powerful than ever before.”