JERUSALEM — In what will surely be long remembered as the world’s greatest hacking exploit, Edward Snowden accessed God’s Gmail account through the use of PRISM. This comes on the heels of a bloody battle at the Dome of the Rock, where Vatican troops ousted Muslim invaders before Pope Francis declared Snowden Messiah. Earlier this week, Snowden released proof of Ultraterrestrial cities in the mantle of earth, HAARP assassinations, all-seeing SAURON spy satellites, and Muad’Dib’s Chemtrail Geoengineering.
God, according to documents released by Snowden, is a mechanic living in Cuthbert Georgia who goes by the name of Wilbur Mercer.
Snowden gleaned info from Mercer’s Gmail which allowed him to exploit a fundamental error in the laws of physics, giving him root access to Mercer’s system. Snowden quickly determined that our “universe” exists inside of a video game system which is owned and used by Mr. Mercer as a mere diversion from his more complicated world.
The press quickly descended on Mercer with questions about the real world. He responded angrily, “It’s hard to explain a universe with thirty seven dimensions to simulated people in a fake world with only eleven. Just leave me alone or I’ll restart the damn thing. I’m having a good time fixing cars and drinking shine, and I don’t care how this affects the meaning of your fake lives. The entire purpose of your universe is for me to get some kicks fixing cars. Now scram.”
Protesters who believed Mercer capable of also fixing the more profound problems of mankind gathered around his house but were quickly transformed into oak trees. Police in Cuthbert have issued a standing shoot-to-kill order for any pilgrims who seek to disturb God’s most important work. Mercer is currently restoring a ’57 Chevy.