INTERNET — In a press release Friday, and after over four decades of Western-themed restaurant design, Wendy’s has unveiled what they call “a new face for a new century.” Wendy’s hopes this new hacker aesthetic will appeal to “the next generation of fast food customers,” but some have been startled by the shock green hair and borg-like goggles imposed on the iconic Wendy Thomas.
Below the controversial Cyber-Wendy featured on the new signs, a fully functional LED screen continually cycles through dazzling hacker imagery borrowed from The Matrix. Lime green pseudo-pixelated pavement markings guide customers through a drive-thru which now operates using touch screen ordering, a breakthrough that many hailed as a “game changer” in the fast food industry. Customers will not feel the same kind of shame when ordering meals if there is no human on the other end, so Wendy’s executives hope this will improve sales.
Wendy’s also promised to install powerful servers and fiber optic internet connections at all of its locations in order to run lightning-fast Tor nodes which may finally shift the balance of power in the ongoing struggle against the NSA’s nearly omniscient eavesdropping program.