Glenn Greenwald disappeared at LAX and is presumed in CIA custody
LOS ANGELES — Glenn Greenwald, columnist and reporter who broke the Snowden leaks and featured in Laura Poitras’ Oscar-winnning Citizen Four, disappeared Saturday at a US airport before boarding a flight back to his home in Brazil. Friends and family have not heard from him and fear he has been subject of an extraordinary rendition to a CIA torture site.
Jeremy Scahill, co-anchor of Pierre Omidyar’s First Look Media, said, “This is what we always feared, and right now I’m barricaded in my home with shotguns at the ready. Today is the day when they’re finally going to make their move against real journalists in the US. It’s finally happening. Protect yourselves, people.”
Edward Snowden appeared today at the Libertarian National Convention, via a remote robotic interface, and grew red in the face as he quoted the founding father Benjamin Franklin, “Those who would give up Essential Liberty, to purchase a little Temporary safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety!”
American audiences discovered that Bill O’Reilly’s career was a total sham, collapsing his ego and triggering a psychotic fit.
INTERNET — Saturday morning Bill O’Reilly was hospitalized after suffering what family said was a psychotic episode. O’Reilly recently fell under fire after researchers unveiled his false reporting of the Falkland War.
Family and friends of O’Reilly have kept his secret battle with chronic mental illness under wraps for decades and are not surprised by his latest psychotic break.
O’Reilly’s wife told reporters, “It’s a chronic problem and it never really goes away. One day he’s the Bill I know and love, and the next day he’ll start getting these grandiose ideas. He said he was an archetypal construct summoned by an internet demiurge he called Inglip, and it wanted him to breathe white light and trigger fifteen trillion hydrogen bombs, among other things.” Amidst tears, she added, “But he’s always a bit over the top, adding in details to make for a better story, it’s just how he is.”
Harvard Psychiatrist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said, “Stress is the most common trigger for mental illness, especially stress of the kind that deflates a greatly inflated ego. Narcissistic personalities like O’Reilly’s make for entertaining talking heads, but a narcissist affirms itself out of its own essential weakness and is prone to rapidly break down during a psychotic fit.” Dr. Troubador heaved a sigh and continued, “You can bet that O’Reilly experienced such powerful shame and psychological nudity that his former self is toast and may never come back. But he’s resilient, I’ve seen his medical records, and hopefully audiences will like the new Bill O’Reilly, whoever he is when he resurfaces.”
Pierre Omidyar helped the CIA execute “Operation Snowjam” and suppress Snowden documents
INTERENET — Pierre Omidyar, eBay billionaire, spent 50 million dollars to launch First Look Media with the promise of popularizing Glenn Greenwald and Jeremy Scahill’s popular brand of American advocacy journalism.
Strange stories from disgruntled employees are circulating, describing a bewildering and mysterious boondoggle behind the scenes at First Look, but thankfully a confirmed and trustworthy anonymous leaker close to Omidyar has come forward with startling evidence explaining that the CIA granted Omidyar lucrative overseas business privileges in return for temporarily tying up hundreds of the best and brightest advocacy journalists.
According to the leaker, Anchors Glenn Greenwald and Jeremy Scahill acted as de facto editors, barking down nearly every story that made it to their desks. Their egos were set against one another and inflated with tremendous paychecks, bizarre massage-desks, and holographic monitors. Every trick in the CIA playbook was brought to bear on First Look’s boardroom. Subtle annoyance tactics were employed by CIA moles who succesfully instigated daily shouting matches and ruined any chance of publishing stories.
The leaker suggests that Glenn Greenwald, after promising to publish a list of names of citizens under illegal NSA surveillance, was shouted down by the whole office after Omidyar spread rumors that Greenwald found Edward Snowden “a repugnant traitor.”
The anonymous leaker wrote,
The CIA drew up First Look under code name Operation Snowjam, engineering it from top to bottom for optimum dysfunction. They had already worked with Omidyar extensively, as eBay features hugely in the CIA’s meddling in foreign markets, so he was quite willing to cooperate. The ‘best and brightest’ — that’s the CIA, not me — in advocacy journalism were brought in at dream-job pay, and they were lucky to publish anything at all!
It should be obvious to anyone with a skeptical mind that things are not as they seem. Just look at those with access to Snowden documents, that should tell you what you need to know. They never complain because they have been treated like royalty, handled so gently that they will never suspect a thing or give credence to the complaints of other journalists at First Look.
This is a crucial moment, and the image of the US is at its lowest point perhaps in all of history. Operation Snowjam is, for the CIA, small potatoes. But right now, every little bit counts.
