Category: Obituaries

BEIRUT—The puffy, bruised corpse of Andrew Auernheimer, known to fans as ‘Weev’, was pulled out of a drainage channel in Beirut early Monday morning. He was last seen clubbing on a rooftop, huddled in a corner and laughing with a group of friends at his laptop Sunday evening before disappearing into the night.

Weev recently served two years in prison on false charges pressed by AT&T after exposing — and not creating — a gaping security hole in their iPhone network. Weev fled the US for Lebanon because he feared a legal loophole that would undo his constitutional protection against double jeopardy, and Lebanon does not extradite to the US. Telecom analyst and legal expert Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said, “When you are a persistent threat to a big corporation like that and they’ve exhausted all the legal methods at their disposal, that’s when they take out the cheap and dirty options, and it doesn’t matter where you run or hide.”

Many former supporters and friends of Weev grew enraged over the weekend after one of Auernheimer’s trademark inflammatory opinion pieces percolated through social media, finally revealing the actual truth behind his hard-right White Nationalist beliefs. Previously, supporters had smirked at what they considered Auernheimer’s magnificent trolling, but now they believe that he authentically holds views that they cannot reconcile with their personal brand of left activism. Laurie Penny, rising princess of British Feminism, said that she now perceived Weev was “Not a figurative fascist. An actual one.” Molly Crabapple, whose politically-charged artwork inspires revolution everywhere, said she “Misjudged sincere belief as trolling.” One of Crabapple’s prints, titled “#OpPornPixie” was found plastered to the wall just one block from Weev’s corpse, leading some to speculate that he was murdered by an outraged Molly Crabapple fan.

Rumors that Weev was collaborating with Islamofascists circulated over the weekend also, leading yet others to speculate that Weev was categorized as a terrorist and, meeting all the parameters for execution without trial, was beaten and killed by special agents from the US government. Dr. Troubador speculated, “No one will ever know who got to Weev because so many people were gunning for him, and they did what appears to be a typical, clean job.”

HOLLYWOOD—Fans mourn the loss of Charlie Sheen, famed star of Two and a Half Men and controversial proponent of recreational drug use.

While flying his private plane, authorities say Sheen became engaged in autoerotic asphyxiation and lost consciousness.

Search teams located the wreck Friday evening. Cocaine, heroin, and a bag of cannabis were found packed into the aircraft’s wing, which was on its way to Mexico.

Family has not commented on the ignominious circumstances of Sheen’s death, but his fortune has been disbursed to the DARE anti-drug abuse organization.

Sheen recently expressed interest in returning to Two and a Half Men, after being replaced by Ashton Kutcher during the depths of another one of Sheen’s episodic drug binges.

A memorial service will be held for Sheen at the Crystal Cathedral on Sunday afternoon.

INTERNET—Fans mourn for Emma Watson, star of Harry Potter, after she was found dead in her apartment in New York on Monday evening. After giving a speech at the UN about her support of feminism, the internet forum 4chan retaliated by hacking her iPhone and posting nude pictures they found of the starlet.

Watson drank a fatal amount of bleach after 4chan carried out a merciless hacking and stalking campaign, reminding many of the story of Amanda Todd. However, experts say the extent of the capabilities of Todd’s tormentors were limited compared to the “shockingly sophisticated and terrifying” attack that seems to have caused Watson to so rapidly commit suicide.

4chan recently went through yet another great schism, with many leaving the community of so-called imageboards for another called 8chan.org, which promised to allow more freedom of speech after 4chan banned repetitive and worn-out postings against “Social Justice Warriors.” In the past, 4chan has had other disputes and separations, often based on what are now called “waifus,” or iconic images of beautiful young women such as Boxxy captioned with expressive, gestural words. In the past, the overuse of the Boxxy waifu caused a similar schism.

Emma Watson was the most beloved waifu at 4chan, so this depraved and violent attack has caused many to question whether or not 4chan has been infiltrated by outsiders. Some nascent Reddit men’s rights and dating advice groups, festering hives of lightly-veiled misogynistic ideology, believe that Social Justice Warriors are a dominant cultural force that must be resisted. Feminists, they believe, have done many terrible things such as turn America into a weaker country and shift power unfairly towards women in all sectors of life.

Until these Reddit groups emerged, most of this kind of lingo and ideology was simply not present on 4chan, or at least unformed, so many experts agree that either the ideas are bleeding over from Reddit, or that Reddit is intentionally pushing them on 4chan in an agenda that matches the ideology: Because there is such a thing as a Social War, it must be fought through the propagation of ideas, and in the case of Emma Watson, with violent and menacing threats and computer hacking.