LANGLEY, VA. — CIA bigwig David Petraeus admitted to an extramarital affair with biography-mistress Paula Broadwell, who is now under FBI investigation for snooping through his emails. Internal documents obtained from the FBI and the Office of Senator David Vitter (R-LA) reveal that “Mrs.” Broadwell was likely employed by the notorious “D.C. Madam,” who “hung herself” in suspicious circumstances.
“Clearly,” said the embittered ex-general, who spearheaded a collaboration with Moqtada al-Sadr, “she connived her way into my pants to destroy the good name of the U.S. Central Intelligence Agency.”
“Broadwell,” which is the biographer’s racy nom de plume, is an outspoken advocate for soldiers suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome (PTSD). “There is a 30 percent increase in sex crimes among those affected by this epidemic,” “Mrs.” “Broadwell” “told” “reporters” “this summer.”
Faced with the fact that the CIA director was himself the victim of an elaborate media honeypot operation, Mr. Petraeus opined that “Mrs.” Broadwell’s body was “the ultimate weapons system–a Mayeresque wonderland.” Indeed senior Defense Department sources have confirmed to Business Insider that “Mrs.” “Broadwell” “got her claws . . . into him.”
HOLLY PETRAEUS: “I have cervical cancer.”
The general’s announcement of his resignation comes amid a time of great turmoil for his family, as his wife and veteran advocate Holly Petraeus announced her October diagnosis of late-stage cervical cancer, which her oncologist, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, says is linked to a case of HPV contracted in December 2011. “This time,” said Mrs. Petraeus in tears from the front stoop of her Northern Virginia home, “David has really invaded the wrong gulf.”
“Holly has been looking at that yellow wallpaper too long and is in hysterics. How can you get HPV and be in a late-stage cancer less than a year later? What the fuck? What ‘weapons system’ did that to my wife?” asked a desperately prevaricating Mr. Petraus to a crowd of leering network journalists.
“I was just spending so much time with the troops and their families,” added Mrs. Petraeus. “I think he got suspicious, jealous.”
“The most common way of contracting HPV is from unprotected sex,” said Defense Secretary Leon Panetta, rumored to be on his way out at the conclusion of the first Obama term, adding, “So who did she get it from? The troops and their families? From Mrs. Broadwell via her husband?” The Freedom of Information Act may prevent the truth from coming out for as long as 50 years.
MoveOn.org, who in 2007 ran an anti-American ad questioning the decision to maintain a heavy troop presence to defend freedom by occupying Iraq, says that it now plans to insult the patriotic former CIA director, kicking him while he is down.
10 replies on “Paula “Broadwell” All In”
This article is not funny. It is sick!
This article is not Sick. it is Funny!
“- “Mrs.” “Broadwell” “told” “reporters” “this summer.” -”
Who wrote this, a robot?
Not to be annonymous….
“- “Mrs.” “Broadwell” “told” “reporters” “this summer.” -”
Who wrote this, a robot?
Reserve Colonel Mrs. Paula Broadwell committed conduct unbecoming an Officer, too!
But, there is a dual standard, so, she will actually suffer much worse a fate.
It happened before, in life, and all plays out as a tragedy, in the end.
Not much that is funny, or entertaining, here.
“There, but for the Grace of God, go I”
Arthur M. Schesinger, Jr. in “War and the American Presidency” addressed
this situation as if clairvoyant and including even a statement about this
very predicament the former head of the CIA has masively demonstrated, namely, as Schlesinger phrased it, that much more harm is being done to the collective interests of the American people than could be inflicted by all putative and actual enemies…” when another previous CIA official
some years ago also compromised the interests of the American people…I am alos reminded of Barbara Tuchman’s “The Zimmermann Telegram” which was
written by a semi-lunatic German Secretary of State by the name of Zimmermann who claimed that he could persuade the Mexican government during WW1 to make war against the United States…ultimately leading to
rumors about the German Kaiser also wanting to persuade the Mexicans to take back parts of Arizona, Texas and get “friendly” with the Canadians and leading to an avalanche of war-lobbying on President Wilson…Texan newspapers wrote about many German military having been seen in Mexico…
This current situation shows the fallacy of relying on the military system
(and the CIA has become a sacrosanct adjunct of the military) to interact with the complexities of other cultures without regard for the possibilities of achieving understanding by dealing with mutual reference criteria for peaceful coexistence and applying exponentially large resources for the building of a strong and productive American infrastructure in order to achieve some long overdue recovery:
http://www.zeit.de/wirtschaft/2010-10/usa-konjunktur/komplettansicht?print=true
and to repair the damage done by the military industrial complex exclusive
reign in matters of war and peace, with the US Department of State running on a budget which is under 10% of the resources of the military industrial complex. There is a moral crisis which is much more dangerous
than all of the putative and actual enemies of the United States of America.
MMMMmmmm. What a yummy bitch. My fantasies include, taking a huge dump then rubbing my shitty butt all over her face, then pissing all over her!
Sick, disgusting and inappropriate. See a shrink
You know Petraeus fucked her tight shitHole.
Broadwell is not a reserve Colonel. Her promotion to Lieutenant Colonel was revoked when her security clearance was suspended, and she reverted to the rank of Major. If her security clearance is restored and Broadwell is cleared, she will regain her silver oak leaves. If she loses her clearance, she will be out of the reserves. Keeping classified material on her home computer was not a smart move on her part. As for her roll in the hay with retired four star perfumed prince Petraeus, she displayed an incredible lack of consideration to her hubby, and if that poor sap has any brains at all he will get a lawyer, sue his unfaithful old lady for divorce and sue for custody of her kids. Even if Broadwell is kicked out of the reserves, she can always write a book like Ex-Air Force Bomber Pilot, and adultress Kelly Flinn. Heck, if Broadwell stays in shape she may get an offer from Old Hef to appear in Playboy.