INTERNET—Ebola memes flooded across the internet Monday, staggering the net’s very infrastructure as the phenomenon stepped up three levels of magnitude and “went viral.” From cleverly captioned grim images of death by hemorrhagic fever, to a spine-chilling anime character known as “Ebola Chan,” pestilential humor on “white twitter” wallowed and chirped in its natural state of racist white pride and its characteristic schadenfreude, and then, as if mad with guilt, certain white radicals called each other out for rubbing noses with a man who tattooed a swastika on his chest. Impassable bridges were burned in an offering for the distant sufferers, now more distant than ever.
Meanwhile, the American military, in conjunction with their friends at Apple, prepared an emergency airdrop of solar powered 3d printers, which will likely land in Liberia Tuesday afternoon and start pumping out high-value medical supplies instantly. The CDC continues to call for donations, as only 250 million of the one billion dollars they’ve requested has been raised. The CDC was so desperate for cash it set up a system for the donation of bitcoins, dogecoins, anoncoins, and many other alternatives to bitcoin.
CDC chairman Eric Walterson told reporters, “We need as much money as we can get as soon as we can get it, or we could all die and it could cost us a lot more. We need laptops, needles, hazmat suits, coffee, overtime and hazard pay. Help us save the hell out of Africa, it’s a marathon and we’ve got to sprint the whole way, much like the very first marathon, but it could be the very last if we don’t see some cash soon. And if we make enough money, we can hold onto these bitcoins until they hit 10,000 bucks each and we could solve all our budget issues forever.”
NPR agreed to switch over to cover-to-cover fundraising for the CDC and will be airing nothing but Ebola related interviews and breaking Ebola news for the next week. NPR producer Finn Turnlop told reporters:
“We’re doing what we can in a dire and potentially deadly situation. Everyone should be extremely careful with who they touch or see in daily life, and we’re going to drive that message home for listeners. We’re going to drive it home hard. We’re going to make a change this time. America must make a stand for its very survival.”