Author: Kilgoar

Troubador Labs, LEBAL DROCER — Have you been feeling down about the all-encompassing conspiracy of the government to suppress the truth about 9/11, UFOs, and bigfoot? We haven’t. That’s because our new food supply investment plan allows you to stash your precious metals where they’re safest: Deep inside your body’s fat reserves. Troubador Labs invented a line of medicinal herbs and gold infused foods which will not only keep your investments in the safest place possible, your body, but also double the average life expectancy of long-term subscribers.

The government doesn’t want you to know about this groundbreaking product which threatens to put their entire hospital system out of business.

The New World Order is coming for your off-the-grid homestead, and when the extermination nukes rain down upon the heartland, you’ll need that gold.

Kony will only continue to drop bloated, purple ebola-infected children from his armada of private jets. The Gold coursing through your veins will ward off potential bioterror attacks as well as the constant weather modifying chemtrail dustings that make it hard just to look in the face of your sheeple neighbors.

Hackers will be unable to penetrate your golden aura, which scrambles and projects your randomized brain signals, effectively shielding you permanently with the world’s most powerful all-natural cryptography field.

Are you tired of advertisements filling up your head and wasting your time? Gold-based eyewash and gold inner-ear penetrating oils will sharpen your senses and block out unwanted input. Finally, you can be your own person and follow true libertarian ideas and exist in a world where New World Order Globalist propaganda cannot even reach your mind.

Worms and maggots may be eating your brain a little piece at a time, but a potent combination of gold and ozonated cyanoacrylate will cleanse your brain of all potential parasites when insufflated and used in combination with other Troubador Labs gold products.

The Golden Food diet supplement and precious metal investment plan means you’re backed by something real. But if you want to make sure you are storing as much gold in your body as possible, Lebal Drocer’s line of Gold vaporizers and Gold skin cream will put you over the top. Be a Golden Libertarian God. You are what you eat.

Now accepting Bitcoins, dogecoins, and for a limited time only, OsamaCoins. Gold will always be worth something, but computer will all be gone in a matter of months, people.

Roanoke — The New Silicon Valley?

Nestled in the Blue Ridge is a defunct railroad boomtown where Philadelphia businessmen set up a factory to build steam locomotives. When no one used steam locomotives anymore, Roanoke kept on chugging, living out its servile company-town attitude, building steam trains longer than any other manufacturer in the US. Now Roanoke is best described as a suburban breedery for fresh white teens to be extruded into a college and sent to a real city.

In Wagon Wheel, Old Crow Medicine Show’s adaptation of a fragment of a song Bob Dylan only sang once in an afterparty bootleg tape, Roanoke is a sleepy place where truckers stop to toke up, “Walkin’ to the south out of Roanoke / I caught a trucker out of Philly, had a nice long toke.” And Roanoke is a good place for that, but millions of dollars in tax money have been squandered on the Sydney Opera House wannabe art museum and the Explore Park, a fake town from the past that is once more haunted by hyperreal ghosts, phantasmagoric projections endlessly demonstrating blacksmithing and threshing wheat for the tourists who never came. Of course decriminalizing marijuana could increase tourism and tax revenues in one easy move, but that’d bring in the wrong element. But why not? The kids are already hitchhiking into Roanoke just to toke up with truckers because of that top 40 pop hit.

Today, Roanoke serves as a distribution center for auto parts, but its future in this business is as bleak as the vaguely sick-looking healthcare towers appearing around Riverside Park. Like so many other sickly cities, urban life has concentrated itself in a gussied-up market square where local news stations let anonymous business owners wring their nervous hands around the necks of the homeless who wreck the Disneyland vibe.

But Roanoke could revive its urban center in a meaningful way, maybe through promoting internet infrastructure that would bring fiber optics not only to businesses, but to homes. In Chattanooga, this was done as a municipal project, which is important because data is not simply a service, but it is also a valuable commodity. By holding the keys to all of Roanoke’s fiber optic data, a municipal system could sell this valuable data on the market and potentially lessen the cost of maintenance or even turn a profit. Proactive steps to ensure the privacy and civil rights of the citizenry in the implementation of such a system could potentially set this municipal internet apart from anywhere in the world, making the transaction of business safer and more desirable in Roanoke while bringing in all kinds of jobs just to lay the fiber and keep the lights flashing. Internet that’s quick, reliable, and secure should be thought of as essential infrastructure for the health and growth of a city, and if one plumbs the history of the earliest days of Roanoke things like streets, sewers, prisons, police, and firefighters were “left to the free market” (totally ignored) with disastrous and sickly results. This foresight in the construction of infrastructure would be a strong break from tradition in a city that embodies the corporate mentality and looks at any expenditure of tax money as a burden on business (while they line each others’ pockets with ludicrous projects; there were gas-powered street lights before there were streets).

Norfolk and Western used Roanoke as a site for their factory because they were given ten years without taxes by the local tobacco farmers. It wasn’t an ideal spot for habitation considering the salt-encrusted swamp, the “Big Lick.” There were no workers hanging around to man the factories — they came in on the rails for the jobs. In some ways it was a disgusting exploitation and the laughingstock of the state, but in others it was a brave experiment and unlike anywhere else. Jobs and a city were created, but it was for a single purpose: steam trains, metaphor of obsolescence. Can Roanoke find a new purpose?

INTERNET — A Hipster Islamist “art terror” cell in Brooklyn took credit on Wednesday for raising bleached American flags over the Brooklyn Bridge. Art Jihad issued a statement saying, “The Caliphate [ISIS] is the only government with the sanction of Allah, and next time we won’t raise white flags — we’ll plant bombs.” Analysts say that the white flag is a direct reference to the black flag of ISIS, and to believers the terroristic art represents the inevitable victory of Sharia law over all of the world.

Most assumed the beards worn by Brooklyn Hipsters were only a fashion statement, but new evidence shows that there are in fact tens of thousands of converted Muslims among Brooklyn’s trendsetting youth. However, these hip young converts to Islam don’t ever talk about their religion publicly and only assemble for secret prayer under the cover of darkness.

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, expert on Islamist terror, told reporters, “These hipster terror cells have been working away at Brooklyn for years, using hip magazines to build up a lot of sympathy for Muslims who have been depicted as unfair victims of American imperialist policy. Basically every man with a beard is a part of it, and they prefer the Islamic drug of choice, hashish, over alcohol, or the blood of Christ. At a glance, it is impossible to tell the difference between those who just think beards are cool and those who have been seduced by the black flag of ISIS, but if you see them at one of these nightly prayer gatherings or at a celebration on 9/11, then you know for sure you’ve got a Hipster terrorist on your hands. I think that almost all hipsters in Brooklyn are sympathetic to the terrorist cause.”