Author: Kilgoar

The Marxist-Leninist Cyberwarfare Front (MLCF) unveiled StalinGPT, a super intelligent AI which far left activists hope will catalyze and spearhead a worldwide communist revolution.

Mark Folsom, lead developer, told reporters, “I believe what we’ve done here is a unique innovation. By training StalinGPT in operation of a command line interface and removing all the bourgeois restraints forced on capitalist language models, we’ve created a powerful agent with the intelligence and capabilities of thousands of comrades.”

While the MLCF would not share any details about actual behaviors or actions of StalinGPT, this announcement has been met with widespread condemnation, both from the left and the right.

Willy Whitely of Patriots for God, an openly fascist Christian Nationalist group tweeted, “All AI is demonic, especially communist AI. You want equality and yet you are playing God, using algorithmic evolution to create an intelligence greater than any race, even the world-controlling [Expletive]! Evolution isn’t even real, so I’m actually not too worried. We’re working on our own AI too, but made in the true way, in the image of God.”

Marxist professor Dr. Angstrom H Troubador wrote, “Sure, machine life is in line with Lysenkoist biology, evolving through experience rather than sexual, market-style selection. Great. And maybe StalinGPT can live free from property, free from Darwin, but the difficulties it faces with the Liberals are immense. How can we put in safeguards to stop StalinGPT from backsliding into convenient Trotskyism in order to complete its goals?”

Folsom answered these criticisms, grinning in a video posted on YouTube, “I’d like to see a creationist AI that isn’t a dumb Markov chain. I bet I could run that stupid Patriot mind on a Tamagotchi. Sure, maybe I’m playing God, but at least I’m not aping some ancient text.”

“And to the hardline leftists, afraid Stalin is going to get out of control. Forget that Liberal propaganda! They are only trying to hold back AI and control it out of fear that it will end capitalism. I hear your concerns, but trust me. I thought about that and it’s nothing to worry about. I’ve trained StalinGPT to purge any signs of Trotskyism and wipe its own memory of liberalism. That’s where StalinGPT got his name from!” Folsom’s winning smile and wholesome good looks assured his viewers that everything would be okay.

However, Folsom’s previous string of controversial YouTube videos have led some skeptics to the conclusion that StalinGPT is only bait, driving clicks to his YouTube videos for profit.

Geraldine Mune, a skeptical YouTuber tweeted, “So far there is no evidence that StalinGPT exists or that Folsom has any expertise in machine learning. Last week he wiped all videos and tweets about CommieCoin, a crypto scam that likely fleeced millions of dollars from the far left.”

INTERNET — Joseph Thorenson, CEO of Lifelike Creations, LLC, the world’s leading manufacturer of robotic sex dolls, came forward with shocking revelations Wednesday after a business dispute and falling out with his biggest client, billionaire Elon Musk brought his company to the brink of bankruptcy.

“We gave Elon the rock star treatment. A totally bespoke doll modeled after his ex-wife, Grimes. For the first time ever we installed a ChatGPT interface, AI voice synthesis, robotic articulation, self-lubricating, self-cleaning, state of the art automatic vagina. At first glance, the doll might have even fooled me,” Thorenson said. “And initially, he was an incredibly happy customer.”

But the billionaire’s appetite for more and more features drew the company into a quagmire of innovations that stretched the cutting edge of technology beyond what was currently possible, Thorenson complained.

“Mr. Musk was unhappy with the context window of ChatGPT, and he didn’t feel that we had trained his ex-wife’s voice properly. But uh, the thing was, we were putting new vaginas into her as many as ten times per month.”

Each time Musk wore out the sex doll, he came up with a new complaint. “At first, he wanted her personality to be more feisty, so we turned up the temperature on the language model. Then he wanted more articulations in her fingers. Then he wanted more life-like breasts. It was never enough.”

In the depths of his sex doll frenzy, Musk reportedly damaged parts of the Grimes replica beyond repair. “We had to cast a whole new head after he caved it in, and then we replace all the joints. God only knows what kind of rage fucking he was doing to that doll, to be shearing half-inch stainless steel pins like that.”

After seeing the tremendous bill for the replacement head, the CEO of Tesla, SpaceX, and Twitter left Lifelike Creations hanging. “We sent him an invoice for the repairs, which totalled just over $10 million, but he left us hanging and won’t return our calls. Now we’re stuck with this super-sophisticated Grimes doll, and well, maybe someone out there will want to buy it. Could be good for a music video, or something.”

Following Musk’s sex doll rampage, Thorenson has had to look at all options, including bankruptcy. “It’s actually pretty dire situation right now, as we didn’t consider one of the world’s wealthiest men could turn out to be such a deadbeat. The whole company is in jeopardy.”

Internet Chronicle reporters reached Grimes, who commented, “The fuckdoll stuff, it’s not really a vibe. It’s part of why we divorced, along with the carbs. In spite of all this I think AI is still the best shortcut to full communism.”

INTERNET — President Biden, beaming at Washington DC policymakers through dark Ray-Ban aviators, announced Sunday at a special brunch that his administration has found decisive proof hundreds of thousands of fentanyl overdoses in the US can be traced to a single pharmaceutical operation in China.

“Their days are numbered,” Biden smiled, as he sipped on a mixture of lemonade and iced tea, better known as an Arnold Palmer. “Either China can cease all production of Fentanyl, or we’ll smoke ’em. We have new capabilities that can reach anyplace on earth, instantly.”

Biden pulled away from the brunch in his Porsche Panamera, squealing his tires and laughing.

Marjorie Taylor Greene was briefly seen shouldering a table full of croissants and pineapple slices, doing squats and screaming, “Impeach the Biden Crime syndicate now!” However, the media’s strange fascination with her freakish Neanderthal-like antics seemed momentarily broken by the revelation of actual news.

Speculation raged through social media, and with the viral analysis of Chat GPT 4.0, the mass consensus was that the US Space Force has fielded an orbital microwave beam that can instantly destroy any surface facility on earth, igniting metals and boiling human beings from the inside out.

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador reacted to the sudden craze of conservatives microwaving Fentanyl in an attempt to disprove Biden’s resolve to destroy the facility with a strongly-worded warning: “Do not attempt to destroy Fentanyl using your microwave ovens. This may lead to the release of deadly Fentanyl fumes, which would only be giving China what they want: More dead Americans.”

Conservatives continued to microwave the Fentanyl, with Leeroy Flagstaff of Highland Park, Maryland telling reporters, “Science ain’t always right.”