Author: Kilgoar

WAL * MART — Communist elements The great Senator Joe McCarthy once purged from American Society have resurfaced at the helm of the world’s largest Capitalist institution, Wal Mart. Wal Mart now offers its employees healthcare plans, locking these people into an anti-Libertarian nightmare fueled by Ayn Rand’s Objectivism turned inside out. How could they have slipped it by us? Is the Invisible hand of the Free Market Economy broken?

The Communist elements, as is well known, solidified their power in America after McCarthy outed them. They took total control of the News and Entertainment Industries. This is the only reason Liberal presidents, or Nigerians like Obama can possibly be elected. No matter how many women they sexually harass or how many freedoms of ours they steal, these Liberal Presidents will get away with it all. And anyway, Obamacare forces people to buy healthcare on the “free” market, which is infinitely better than being locked into a Wal Mart company healthcare plan that isn’t even a plan at all. You are paid nothing and told that the drugs are a lower price because of this, at Communist Wal Mart. That’s exactly how the Soviets ripped their people off.

Did you know The Tea Party consists of 90% Wal Mart employees who are being paid by Big Tobacco companies to put on fake protests which justify something nobody actually wants? (Government Shutdown.) Communists have always paid shills to put on fake protests so they can get their way. Don’t believe what you see on Television! It’s all Liberal lies, even when it doesn’t look like it! Even Fox News and Sean Hannity!

I Believe in The United States Constitution and I Love this Land, but I am Sick of Tea Party Stealth Communists, and Weed Smoking Libertarian Whack Jobs taking control of My Republican Party and shutting down MY Capitalist Government which only wants to stimulate the Health Care Economy. Republicans made the plan up, and it was a damn good plan that would create jobs! Then the Democrats called the damned thing “Obamacare” with their false-flag Fox News shills and everyone else picked up on that term. Suspicious? Only a Communist could shut down such a rabidly Capitalist congress.

McComb, MISSIPPI — After Britney Spears seemingly failed in her latest Europop-style comeback single Work Bitch, the singer died from complications resulting from Dibetus. Spears reportedly went on a dangerous eating binge which triggered the diabetic attack. Work Bitch has since skyrocketed on the charts, earning the Britney Spears Estate 20 billion dollars overnight. Family has promised to donate the proceeds of the album to the Childhood Dibetus Foundation. Spears suffered from childhood dibetus, an illness which robbed her of insulin and at times caused her to shave all her hair off.

Make-shift shrines were erected across the country, and fans have left flowers and hand-written notes in remembrance of Spears. “I’m going to work so hard I’ll be the next Britney,” said one crying teenage fan, adding, “And all the haters just need to leave her alone! This bitch will work until they’re all dead.“

HOLLYWOOD — Tommy Wiseau, director of acclaimed movie The Room, was found dead from a self-inflicted gunshot wound after his former girlfriend came forward with her account of the real life events which inspired The Room. Jolene McKinsey, Wiseau’s former fiance, told Internet Chronicle reporters, “I would say that The Room was based on our relationship, but Tommy’s reversed the roles. He slept with my best friend and was a cheap drunk. The only part he got right was how he couldn’t get aroused without humping my chest and abdomen.”

Many details of Tommy Wiseau’s personal life have formerly been a mystery to fans of The Room, but McKinsey told all. “Tommy is actually blonde and he made his money running opium and hashish from Afghanistan to his hometown in Austria and selling it to his friends in France. After 9/11, Tommy pulled a fast one on some of his Afghan business partners and wound up with a secret fatwah issued for his assassination by Al-Qaeda. So Tommy hid all his money in a Swiss bank and fled to America and he’s been laundering the Al-Qaeda drug money since, with all sorts of idiotic schemes. He thinks dying his hair black will fool the terrorists. They’ll kill him and make it look like a suicide, like in his movie.”

Greg Setero, who starred in The Room, recently released a book detailing his involvement in the $6 million production of the movie. When asked whether or not Tommy Wiseau could possibly have led a former life of crime, Setero said, “Suddenly all the strange questions I’ve had about Tommy make sense. May Tommy rest in peace.”