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Chronicle.SU surpasses Buffalo Beast as internet’s leading satire web site

Wednesday, internet analysts declared Chronicle.SU finally outdid the Buffalo Beast in hilarity, traffic, and overall writing quality. Therefore, I have decided to stop writing for the Buffalo Beast and instead work solely for Chronicle.SU. Any posts on Buffalo Beast under the name of Ian Murphy will be ghost-written by my staff of underpaid Haitians.

Numbers are everything

The overall crappy graphic design and obsession with Barrett Brown were probable reasons for the decline of the Beast, as well as our abject complaining about a Facebook ban that had very little effect on our traffic. As the Beast’s aging demographic slowly dies off from AIDs caused by extreme liberalism, the Chronicle’s young audience expands their minds by combining LSD with dubstep. The choice I’ve made was both obvious and personally fulfilling.

I’ve joined up with the Chronicle in hopes that I can teach them a thing or two about trolling. Obviously, they’ve forgotten what it means. I will admit that they did troll Anonymous quite effectively and must still enjoy the lulz to this day. However, there never seems to be a point to it, and good satire/trolling always has a point.

I hope to bring my experience to the Chronicle and make it a better place, instead of just a bunch of asshole trolls who don’t even know what they’re doing. Damn, it feels good to be writing for such a valuable and important publication.