Author: Jaime Cochran

LOS ALAMOS, NM — Technology in general advanced once again today, as a small group of scientists lurched beneath a tree in the courtyard of one of the many research wings in the Los Alamos National Laboratory. A short man with glasses, known only to the Internet Chronicle as ‘Dr. Bill’, was scribbling wildly on his iPad 7, taking calculations and analyzing on-the-fly reactions of what they were witnessing.

After years of sophisticated research into obscure interdisciplinary engineering, the group known only as the ‘Trinquier Group’– inspired by French World War II hero and counter-insurgency theorist Col. Roger Trinquier — was finally able to breathe a collective sigh of relief as the results ticked a green dot on Dr. Bill’s iPad, irrefutably indicating success. The beads of sweat running down their foreheads immediately turned from subtle nuisances to non-existent, as a jovial cheer came from the hush, followed by a round of low-fives and hugs, presumably.

“What just happened here was something never before witnessed by anyone before, this… this is something we’ve dedicated our lives to and finally, we have achieved  one of the greatest advancements in science.” said another DARPA funded scientist, the groups official spokesman. He continued, “Our way of life will be changed, once and for all, again.”

Miles outside the lab, a group of protesters gathered as rumors trickled out of the technologies success, fearing that their way of life may be threatened. Activist Lisa Lithian, holding a sign lambasting the politically neutral scientists for their life changing research, said to the Internet Chronicle: “There is absolutely no oversight to what goes on here, what kind of technologies are being created that would possibly change our lives.” Unaware that the new technology had already begun changing the way of her life, Lisa continued chanting in unison with the others.

Senior LANL Chairman, General Hamfred L. Gorgeworth, addressed congress today stating that the way of life threatened by this new technology was truly nothing to worry about. Allaying the fears of the already altered public.

MOSCOW — Edward Snowden, grand wizard of leaking, was recently granted asylum in the USSR, ending his term as President of Sheremetyevo Airport. One of the conditions for asylum allowed by the Kremlin is that he could not, in fact, leak anymore information about the U.S. governments spying programs. Luckily, in a brilliant contingency plan set in place via encrypted “Lavabit” e-mails months ago between journalist Glenn Greenwild, filmmaker Laura Poitras and mystery PGP man Michael Vario, Snowden was able to ensure his leaks got through albeit by proxy.

In todays big reveal, Greenwild points out how Snowden showed through his years of experience as a mid-level systems administrator for various government agencies and shady contractors alike, that FOIA documents are often times “heavily redacted.”

Snowden postulates in a leaked Lavabit e-mail to Greenwild that “nearly 76.98% of all important information is actually censored or ‘redacted’-as they say in the military- from documents returned from FOIA requests. This is a severe breach of civil liberties and shit.”

This latest leak comes as a shock to the public intelligence based counter-private intelligence based community, who for years had thought they had been getting all the goods on government activities from their egregious FOIA filing. Recent attempts at crowd-sourcing automated FOIA requests have come to a halt, citing “extreme crestfallenness” as their reasoning.

LANGLEY, VA — A mere week after news broke of an exploit targeting users of the Tor Browser Bundle was found and examined, researchers at an underground lab in Palo Alto, CA found hidden messages embedded deep in the exploits shellcode that could reveal a link to journalist Michael Hastings murder.

On June 18th, 2013, Michael Hastings car sped ferociously into a palm tree bursting into flames and killing the writer on impact. His death has not been investigated by official authorities, except by some of Anonymous’ higher-ups who have uncovered irrefutable proof of car hacking via a bluetooth iOS exploit. Anonymous also believes Hastings was on to something big, something monumental, something so outlandish he couldn’t be assassinated like a normal person.

Underground Palo Alto researcher Tony Kukoc elaborated on Anonymous’ theories with his findings in the Tor malware: “It seems to me that this highly sophisticated, military grade, bit-shifting malware was designed to infect the cerebral cortex of all those who viewed the hidden iframe, not only sending the NSA Tor users IP and MAC addresses, but erasing their memories of Michael Hastings altogether.”

Meanwhile, in Las Vegas, Former NSA chief, Michael Heyden, refuted the Professor Kukoc’s claims while speaking at the annual Defcon hacker convention this year: “This is preposterous, only a foolish virgin would think such a thing were possible!” He then stormed off stage amidst a few shouts of “LIAR!”

Veracode researcher, Chris Eng, was spotted crying because the hecklers were just incredibly rude.