Category: News

SIBERIA — A fleet of alien airships is assembling in Siberia after witnesses say they ascended out of tremendous craters previously believed to be created by methane explosions and climate change.

The ships have assembled into three constantly spiraling swarms that are slowly coming into formation as they move west. Each individual ship appears to be two conjoined eggs with no discernible seams or lights of any kind.

The Russian Military broadcast a message in Siberia directed at the alien ships, “We offer friendly greetings to the explorers from under the earth. But our citizens are terrified and we will open fire should you make a move to threaten any of our cities.”

Addressing citizens later in the broadcast, the Military said, “Do not panic, do not provoke or fire upon the alien craft.”

President Putin then gave a few words on national television, reassuring the country with a light-hearted joke, “Maybe they will listen to reason and help liberate Ukraine.”

Reports of strange lights, eruptions coming from under the ground, appearance of tremendous craters, and even alien bodies and wrecks are in the news and even commented on by President Putin himself, but why are these reports suppressed in the West? Could these ships be a top secret Russian weapon system that could help Putin start pushing into Western Europe?

FLINT, MICHIGAN — Thousands of frozen dead bodies filled the streets of Flint, Thursday morning, as the cumulative effects of tainted, poisonous water proved too much for infants and the elderly.

Flint’s water is discolored and heavily infected with bacteria, and the cash-strapped city government chose a cheap solution, dumping deadly amounts of disinfectants into the water supply.

General Motors refused to use the tainted water in its manufacturing process because all the bleach in it would corrode the steel in its vehicles.

Activist Michael Moore said, “This is the first test run of a top secret population control program that aims to cull overpopulated areas that drain the American economy and harm its geopolitical stance. Flint’s citizens have become a target in the war on terror.”

INTERNET — Just minutes after a new Washington DC law legalized recreational marijuana, President Obama lit up a fat Dutch Master packed with presidential-quality marijuana. The president rolled the blunt himself, accidentally tearing the Dutch Master and joking, “Maybe we should get some wrappers from Cuba! Hah!”

Leaning back in his chair, Obama exhaled a smoke ring expertly. Sensing the tense room around him, he offered the blunt to his staff, “Calm down everybody, take a hit. It’s legal now, we changed that law.” However, staffers in the room shuffled around uncomfortably.

One secret service guard reached out for the blunt, and Obama said, “No, not you!” but laughed.

“Just kidding, just fuckin’ with you.” Obama’s eyes were already bloodshot.

A representative from the American Christian Alliance told reporters, “Marijuana is the drug of choice of the House of Islam, and in Christendom we drink alcohol, the blood of Christ. We’re watching you Obama, and we see through your facade.”

Jillian Page, spokesperson for Mothers Against Drugs and Alcohol said, “Just think of the example that sets for our children, if the president is out there toking up. It’s an outrage, and I hope he is impeached.”