Category: News

INTERNET — Malaysia Airlines Flight 370, thought lost over the South China Sea, was spotted on the ground at Cleveland Hopkins International Airport. Witnesses saw “hooded figures” entering and exiting the plane, which glowed with an unearthly blue light.

Jeremy Sancrusty, a janitor at the airport, told reporters, “It didn’t take off or land. It just materialized in a blue flash. Then I saw hooded figures step off the plane, their faces all covered in shadows. Some more of them boarded, and with another flash the plane was gone. I think it was some kind of a teleportation technology and them people on it, I have no idea who they were. Didn’t look like aliens. Looked like some kind of secret religion to me. This is pure speculation, but maybe some religion out there’s incorporated all the beliefs of science and has leapfrogged over science itself.”

Expert in comparative mythology the occult, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, said, “Mr. Sancrusty’s claims are in line with current understanding in my field. It is non-controversial that there is at least one occult tradition with far superior technology, possibly capable of teleportation and space travel. We don’t think they are in any way associated with the Illuminati, but are rather a similar organization from southeast asia known to some as the Wudao. Their influence around the world is tremendous, and I would not be at all surprised if they have already found Perfect Language, long sought in the west by hermetic traditions. Some call it the philosopher’s stone, or the holy grail. It is thought the powers and knowledge Perfect Language can bestow are limitless.”

INTERNET — They’re known as Black Knights and they’ve got a message for serial abusers of women on the internet: “We’re going to hunt you down and kill you in your sleep.”

The alarming new internet trend of trolls and doxxers has caused thousands of suicides of young women and girls. The abuser, or troll, becomes addicted to stalking, harrassing, and targeting a woman, ruining her life in the process. But now, vigilante Black Knights are fighting back.

Unlike so-called White Knights such as the famed knightsec of the hacker collective Anonymous led by Deric Lotsgutter, Black Knights are out for blood and are definitely not revealing their identities. A Black Knight known only as NotAnonymous told reporters, “No one knows we exist. No one knows who we kill. No one knows when we kill. But if you’re ruining women’s lives for fun on the internet, we’ll kill you in your sleep.”

Feminists contribute to bitcoin pools on the darknet, an encrypted “underground” of the internet accessed with Tor software, and the Black Knight can collect payment by placing a bid on the abuser which correctly predicts the target’s time of death.

NotAnonymous refused to elaborate on the mission of the Black Knights. “We don’t have any identity. We aren’t doing this to get laid. Most of us don’t even do it for the bitcoins. We do it for the same reason the abusers do it. For the lulz.”

REDDIT — The Nigerian Electronic Army, now in possession of a deadly “zero day” exploit for Reddit, has defaced several popular Reddit subforums with demands they be paid in dogecoin and bitcoin in exchange for release of the exploit. Among the defaced sites are a forum for Android smartphone users and League of Legends gamers.

Styling themselves, perhaps, after the infamous Syrian Electronic Army (SEA), the Nigerian Electronic Army’s (NEA) choice of targets seems far removed from the political or tactical targets of the SEA. The NEA’s defacement was somewhat reminiscent of LulzSec’s prank on PBS, but without the jokes or publicity for their Twitter account. LulzSec earned well over $180,000 in bitcoins with their antics, but only one of the hackers remains on the lam. The group disbanded after only 50 days.

Until Nigerian Electronic Army can increase the humor value of their defacements and grow an audience on a major Twitter account, they will probably find themselves in possession of only a very few dogecoins or bitcoins.